discreet and fear

"hindi ako takot, discreet lang ( I am not scared. I am just discreet)"

way back, i always believed that the reason why some gay guys chose to be discreet is because they are simply scared. they behave and act based from what is expected or to simply put it to blend in, which is probably the most effective means to protect one self.

but would it be possible for someone to be discreet without being scared?

perhaps, i am one of those fortunate enough to have walk this route of life and met people not everyone has the chance to: or perhaps they have, but failed or refused to recognized them.

many would argue that life is simply composed of bilinear concepts. two fundamental elements that compose life: good and bad, black and white, man and woman. several years ago, the introduction of a wide spectrum brought about the introduction of several colors, which in turned caused massive arguments, even until now.

but what makes it surprising is how an emerging concept sprout even in between these struggling spectrum.   its as if it is continuously giving birth; as long as there is someone who will contemplate about it. many societies have discovered various preferences from gay to transvestite, transgender, bisexual, asexual to straight-acting, tripper, top, bottom, versatile, effem, butch, fairies and it seems like the classifications are endless. its interesting how from labels it transgress to preferences. how it creates political mistakes, modern sensitivities and even quasi-confusions bring about argument, debates with the end goal of introducing newer perspectives. its interesting how life will no longer be limited to just two, three, seven nor any definite number  that it has finally reach a range wherein it will eventually becomes endless as long as people will continue to contemplate and understand or even there mere denial.

hence, many would argue that you do not need to cross dress nor to be flamboyant  to say you are gay, which could probably be the same as saying: you can be discreet without being scared.

however, the mere claim of being "discreet" connotes several meanings. by definition, to be discreet is to be hidden. regardless, of reasons, the mere recognition of being one would mean that s/he is uncomfortable of revealing something. but i guess, this would not necessary say that someone is already scared.  or probably i am just contemplating on the statement too much, which was simply uttered out of the loss of a better term.

or am i?

why i chose to draw with pens

on a supposed to be busy monday, i saw myself just staring blankly at my desk. i hear my phone endlessly ringing, people chattering, and my email profusely alarming.

its a bit odd for someone as visual as me to actually notice these. so i tried plunging on the difference. i  put my headset and played a cynthia alexander album on.

comfort in your strangeness. perfect!

***

i randomly reached a pen and started scribbling. funny how the lines and strokes fell on their places. how it decides its own length, how it figure out where to curve and how it weaved itself with the rest of the other lines.

eventually, the randomness turned its back from absence.

***

who can tell if they were really supposed to be there? who can say if they should be thin or thick? black or of a different color? or if its good or bad.

"why don't you use a pencil?" a friend wondered while he was staring at how i drew one boring afternoon.

"i guess, i am just more comfortable using pens," i answered.

"e, what if you made a mistake?"

"then i own it."

he startled.

"you take the mistake and make something out of it, that is the beauty of being imperfect. you just have to be brave enough not to hesitate because the moment you do, you will never know what is up ahead. and i guess, in this life, regret is the only thing worst than being selfish."

***
and for that, thank you for making me draw again.

someone from the north

*free writing

i am in a place far away. always in transit; nurtured by hellos and farewells. but at the end of it all, it still leaves me wondering, what am i really looking for?

***

there was uncertain silence for every uncertain questions i threw.

but what i only know was he lives in a very remote tribe village in the north. a community, wherein time have already forgotten them. the thought of poverty as their dish served on empty plates and cold corruption as their resting beds.

then he looked at me. his eyes, a bit shy. clearing his throat and composing every words he was about to utter. he smiled again and made his eyes disappear in a dark uplifting arc.

then he said,

i don't know.

perhaps, i just go somewhere ---away here. i already 27 years and done all works just to find i really want. construction, farming, porting, even assistant pastor.

what i experience, i guess never find answer here. so if my response convince you that i true, then, you'll think that i am to do any job regardless small or hard it be. at least, i can something to start.

in an ordinary conversation, the uncertainty and softness of his words can just simply leave someone asking, what did he just actually said?

but for me, the word escape instantly appeared.

in a way, he kinda reminded me of myself a couple of years back or even until now. he made me realize how fortunate i still am and introduce me to the pettiness of my day-to-day rants.

i don't know how am i going to tell it to my boss. if i will lie and tell him he is qualified just to give him that favor. but after we shook hands, i figured that i just cannot stain the honesty of what he said. so i totally told everything to my boss.

and for some weird reason, he understood where the both of us were coming from. hence, i was so surprised when he asked me to contact him again and ask him to go with us to manila by the end of the month. i will find something that he can do and take him as a secret company scholar for a course he always wanted to get--- criminology.

i must admit it definitely gave me goosebumps.

for this lad at least gave me something to hold on; a small piece of what i am really looking for. i may not know what it really is for now. but it feels like i already made my first step going there--- wherever that maybe.

kilig

i'm 25...

and i recognize the fact that i am at that point of my life, where i thought puberty had already passed just to wake up one day, being swept away by a larger hormonal tide.

i remember what T once told me over those rare coffee table moments that we are beginning to lose lately,

"there will always be those times when you will just realize that your urges will be stronger than your rationals and morals; and there will no other way but to give in. for the smarter you are, the stronger your urge will be."

in a way, his words struck me and from that point, i am always reminded with it every time i go elsewhere.

there will be those nights when the heed needs a response and all i can do is just surrender.

like any first, the fear and anticipation drive anyone insane. not to mention those inner ghosts that would annoyingly nag and constantly remind you. but i guess, there is indeed no clear answer for anyone who only lives among the mirage of his assumptions.

but i never thought, twitter-pat could also be that treacherous.

excuse my religion

*this will be a lengthy post.

never argue about religion.

this is the one thing that i have realized from multiple discussions i had so far. for me, regardless, of how interesting or promising the flow of the conversation may be, i always try to avoid it as much as possible; especially at times, when someone insist it to me.

let us admit it, it is never easy to tackle and question another people's belief. for first, it is simply disrespectful, not only to the individual, but to the long history of the community s/he belongs. and lastly, you will never ever reach a common point. it will always be just an (heated) arguement, rather than a healthy debate or conversation.

religion is the sum total of a long history of beliefs and traditions of a particular community. in sociology, it is believed to be practiced and observed for it is deemed appropriate, or better yet beneficial, for the survival of both human individual and society.

i was born and raised roman catholic. and i can say, that my family is pretty strict and compliant when it comes to our religion. signs of it include the fact that all of us studied in exclusive catholic schools. we observe novena everyday, attend mass during sundays, pray grace to each meal we have (even if its just small snacks and meriendas); and even required (by our parents) to memorize, fully understand and discuss each passages of the bible before we go to bed. i even remember my dad bringing me to a seminary when i was sent to the province to take highschool. but since i was a transferee from manila, the rector did not allow me. nonetheless, i never ended up being religious. but i could not classify myself neither as an agnostic nor atheist. i'd rather prefer being called spiritual.

for me, the belief of (a) god/s is always present. but i can not help myself from doubting some claims whenever it is being interpreted and applied by its institution (or the church) to my life. and other than these, i refuse to elaborate further. for as i have earlier mentioned, i am avoiding crossing other people's boundaries, until that day.

he was my immediate supervisor from my previous job. i never really knew him that well. all i knew was, he seriously wants to be a seminarian and hopefully to be a priest. but since the responsibilty of being the eldest son in the family indirectly called him, he set aside this ambition first and took the role of being the bread-winner of his family. nonetheless, he claims that he kept a spiritual adviser in contact whenever his devotion is put into the test because of work.

"eric, are you a catholic?" he politely asked me while i was busy signing some work-related documents.

"by paper, yes. by practice, no."

"meaning?"

"i believe in the presence of god. but i value my free will more than what my church calls for me."

"interesting. but why?"

"i am sorry, boss. but i am really not comfortable elaborating my answer."

"i understand. its okay."

i smiled at him as a sign that i appreciate him respecting my decision. but at the back of my head, i was also itching to know why he raised the question. thus,

"why did you ask?"

"nothing really. i just wondered, how are you with your teammates considering they are... you know.. they are..."

"gays and lesbians?"

yes. all of my teammates, if not for one straight guy , are gays and lesbians.

"i am pretty okay with them. actually, i enjoy their company and i never really considered their sexuality as a problem to their performance or to mine."

"it is surprising that you are pretty open and considerate with this."

"of course, why can't i?"

"you see, personally, i have already accepted this idea (idea??? strike one!), especially in this kind of industry (aha! stereotyping. strike two!). but as a religious person, all i can do is to tolerate. but what i am really against with is the... (he was already twitching just thinking of the word) sex or promiscousity associated with this kind of life style for it is a sin (SIN. strike three. OUT!)."

there goes my queu. gathering all the thoughts in my head, i composed myself and just smiled back at him. for i knew, he would definitely asked for my opinion.

"how about you? whats your stand about this?"

told you.

"for me, sex is neither a need or want. it is a drive. and human nature will tell us, that regardless if it is about sex or not, the more you repress or supress something, the more an individual reacts, craves and does it. thus, in terms of the behavior, we perceive it as being promiscous.

i guess, what i am just trying to say is that the behavior is due to the lack of institutional recognition; that is deemed wrong or a sin because of the absence of that one thing that justifies sex: marriage. though i am not really a big fan of the general concept, i still believe that it will definitely be beneficial to the general welfare of the individuals concerned and even to the society they belong; for the fact, still remains, that regardless of how non-traditional the concept may be, all of us are still deeply rooted with a big part of our common traditions and beliefs.

i believe that human nature is not as complex as what we think it is. what we just need to do is to try being more open to the wide variety of possibilities, in order for us to understand it. besides, there is no such thing as a stationary individual or society. each entity evolves based from each needs in order to survive. thus, if a society is faced with such problem, it does not mean that it needs to throw away everything that it has long-established and change entirely. what we are just being called for is to adjust, if deemed necessary, and then move further. for the only thing that changes in this world is time alone."

then i immediately looked at my supervisor's reaction and i swear, i heard a voice inside of my head saying, "nganga!" hahaha!

he did not follow up anything anymore. he just slowly nodded and asked me to go back to my desk. when i sat on my station, T was seated beside me, "what is that about? it took you guys almost an hour."

"nothing. just trying to know each other."

then i saw a subtle smile on the side of his lips.

"whatever, T."

days after i ended my contract, i received a text message from an unknown number.

"hey eric. how are you? i have heard of what happened. wanna have coffee this weekend?"

it was my supervisor, N.

destinations

he felt the weight as it pressed the bed on his side. still catching his breath, he looked at the face in front. it felt as if he was staring at all the things that had completely forgotten him.

for a moment, he became a stranger to his own self. it felt like his soul was residing inside a different body. then he recalled the things he had to do that day, yesterday, tomorrow and the even the day next to it. he tried making things he can blame, but then it was already too late.

he tried picturing himself as he stared above the blank and dark ceiling. it was easier for him to outline the images in his mind. the curves on his side. the running bulges along his stomach.

how he swayed to each beat of every night and how he heed to his every drive,

he remember how he used to surprise himself and how they call him the rock.

the impression spread like a tasty rumor and how it made him an instant celebrity, to a niche he began calling as his own. but if there is one thing that he wasn't able to impress, it was time.

for him, time is like a bitter lover, who betrayed him behind his back. it came out of nowhere and never really thought it was coming.

he just woke up one day, feeling a bit tired, literally and physically. until its bits started to compile like sediments that began rising, building a dam that separated him for the world he used to own.

suddenly, his responsibilities started following, he got acquainted with different forms of fulfillment. but he believed that nothing really beat that drive, those memories and impressions. he do not recall turning over something. so technically, he is still reigning.

nonetheless, he noticed something different in his preferences. unlike before, he never really put age as one of his qualifications. perhaps, he already made it with all the old ones and now he sees the younger or fresher ones more challenging. or probably, this was his sign that he is already "maturing."

but at the back of his head, he was bothered about something. he didn't know if it was the milk or the vitamins they took that was different; or there was something along their growing up that made them a bit aggressive and boost their endurances by a mile notch. he is starting to feel the difficulty of catching up.

until finally, the call for settling down already knocked his door. for the tunnel of uncertaibty is already appearing in his horizon.

fortunately enough, his innate looks and charisma were still enough to bait him someone.

but he admits it was not easy, he never really saw himself as the partners he used to go out with on certain moments of his life. it was just then that he have realized that all the pampering and spoiling were not mere acts of desperation to keep someone, rather they were gestures or material reminders that he was, for the first time, sincere of showing his real emotions and affections.

there were times that friends prohibit him from continuing what he is doing, scaring him of names such as sugar daddy, dirty old harry and sometimes even a male cougar. but how can he stop himself from expressing something so genuine?

its just ironic how people keeps on telling him to be more open to his feelings and be more sincere in handling his relationships before, and then prohibits him now when he finally followed their advises.

he admits there is truth on the issue of compensating, especially when its your body and mind thatraise the white flag down there.

but he guess, its something more understandable when people reach where he is at this moment.

now, he looks at that stick of cigarette on the other side of the bed. balancing between the legs of a transparent ash tray. he always wondered what it really taste like. but he guessed it was already too late to even know it. nonetheless, at this point of his life, he figured, there is no longer any room for regrets.

or is it?

*written under a rainy midnight and over three cups of earl grey.

hating this part of the day

they say, its okay to commit mistake and to get hurt out of it. because in experiencing so, we learn and become a better person. but its funny how some of us keep on doing the same mistake and lingering on the same pain even though we already know where the same old road leads--- a dead end.

are we just plain hopefuls, believing that in striving and repeating it over and over again, we can correct thise mistake? or are we just fed up with the same circles that we are already trying to numb ourselves and suck up our fate?

it is not the first time, a friend told me he got broken hearted; that he fell for someone whom he had slept with; that despite of our hundred conversations about the boundaries of love and sex, he still falls for it--- he still gets hurt.

source

it is like a violent game, where everyone is trying to defend themselves but trying to have fun at the same time. we chase each other, feed each other with pretensions and images for the other to bite the bait. we feast the price. then we drop him/her off before s/he drops us. its ridiculously vicious but its reality, at least on this side of the fence.
some call it being jaded while others call it self preservation.
but the real questions are, when is it going to stop? and when will settling in sinks in?
is it when time drains our youth? is it when desperation starts knocking on our door? or is it when we finally meet our most painful heartbreak?
i want to believe that we should not stop people from making mistakes, from getting hurt and from enjoying what he can but should not do because as raised earlier, it is where we learn and becomes a better person.
but whenever i see, hear and feel people dear to me, crying all his hopes out, i couldn't stop myself from thinking, is this really what they deserve from not or resisting what reality is teaching?
but then again, i realize, how do we actually define mistakes? what if this is just another product of another or larger mistakes? how will we larn and how will we handle it?

argh.

there are just too many questions and despite the urgency of answers, what really matters is our own individual calls.

reopening the close season

*a week worth of blog hiatus. school load killing my muses!

its been a long time since i last saw her. and honestly, i no longer remember when it was, where we were, what she wore nor which side her last smile to me leaned.

all i could remember was, everything that we were--- before that. when we were still in college. when we used to share the same bed, same plate, and even the same shirts and pants. and most especially, when we found our comfort from each other's differences.

so it was really an indescribable delight when i heard a familiar screech while i was working on some illustrations in a nearby coffee shop. it asked me in a very thin and almost intolerable voice, "kamusta ka na??!!!"

it was her. it was really her. blankly staring at her, felt like i have been teleported back to the past. as if time had forgotten to include her from the trip all of us is supposed to take. she didn't change a bit. she has the same smile, the same hair dance and even the same stance. and it was when we went to our kamustahan, that my initial reaction was confirmed. she is still single, no suitors and as we used to joke it, hymen still intact.

but if theres one thing that really caught my attention from what seemed to be an almost endless conversation that day, was this story she told me. when her friends actually asked her, if she still wants to be a woman in her next life. and she answered, "NO. i prefer to be a man." ofcourse her friends followed up,

"so you mean, you want to try the "other dish" without having what you could have right this very moment?"

"who said i am changing my menu?"

basically, my friend has this very absurd believe that nowadays, it is easier for men, compare to women, to get a fellow men for a partner.

"where did that came from?" i asked after laughing at the top of my throat.

***

three days after, i then overheard H telling Q, who is on the verge of losing hope with the love hunt, that there is so many men in the metro that you wouldn't really run out of one. infact, there are even some who got two or more for their fun.

come to think of it, he has point. the realization started to sink in, as if the universe took a sudden pause from its order, to connive on this idea in me.

well with the problem of over population that our country is currently facing, indeed, its impossible for someone to ran out of a potential partner. but the real question here is, how to fish that "one" out of a pen of a million jumping anyones?

the difficulties of finding a partner don't really reside on the absence of a possibility rather it is from how an individual take those chances for granted.

some say, you have to be rigorous and never lose hope in finding him/her. thus, one put him/herself in this what seemed to be an endless pile of date buffet. doing ocular inspections, sorting out the enticing, interesting and attracting one from the nots. then try if it will suit one's pallete and if it will even last.

while some argues that you just have to wait for that invisible hand or that wheel of fate to place it infront of you.

but personally, i would rather go with the former rather than depening on the latter and miss and regret something that i haven't done a thing. you see, i want to believe that i could be so clueless and insensitive sometimes--- alright, make it most of the time.

for my friend's case, i can offer her a hundred reason why she can't land herself with a partner despite having the looks, personality and brain. she may either be looking in the wrong place, may have a very high requirements, or she maybe doing nothing at all.

but i believe that regardless of sex and gender, it is indeed easy to get a partner. but determing what kind of it is the one that really matters.

nowadays, one can get laid easily over a bottle or two. some can even get it at the back of of bus; seats or even on the walls of a public urinal. the possibily is endless and with the aid of technology, it can even be not a problem at all.

but looking for a long time/life partner, however you may define it, in aspects of commitment and set ups, is an entirely differnt thing.

i think looking for love is difficult simply beacuse of its worth. i may sound too idealitic or romantic on this, but for personally, this is where i want to put my nose on.

come to think of it, it can also be practical depending on how you look at it. for i know a good number of people who find it difficult to let go, despite the depletion of love and passion to their partners, simply because of the "investments" they've put in the relationship.

it is pratical because it avoids decisions and regrets out of whims and immature arguements. it is pratical because it tends to remind someone of the hardships he have gone through to have this, before crossing the line of infidelity or even unforgiveness as the result of the prior. it is practical because in the end, it is no longer the love or sex that will bind the two, rather it is the companionship or friendship they have built before and during the time they've known each other.

lastly, i guess the whole love hunt is indeed a part of a process. though there can never be a concrete formula for love, the struggle of finding it contributes to the totality of the entire experience. and at the end of the day, we will then realize, that everyone still deserves his own fair share of life--- whatever that may be.

everyone has his own story

they grace earth with such color and elegance. redefining the word beauty as they strut their hips in such rhythm. their body nearly bare. clothes hanging almost on the edge of their souls. they laugh as if they were concealing something. they smile to atleast draw the same line on other peoples' lips (or atleast thats what their intentions were).

but despite their presence, no one really knew who they were or understood why there were there. and that even i, could not claim i know nor understand.

people, just like most people, only thought of one thing, that they are just sores that give their place a bad name.

someone once told me that eavesdropping and/or staring at someone is rude. but for me, judging them is far more worse.

the other night, we were having cups of warm drinks and a tasty conversation, when i noticed a group took the table just across ours. believe me, you'll never fail to miss them if you were there.

at first glance, i thought that they were just a simple group of friends having their regular afternoon tea. but then in an instant, i suddenly noticed how their eyes moved like winter birds and how their gestures caressed the air. it was an instant give away. but there was something more; their attention didn't settle to any man that passed them by.

it was as if they were into a hunt. a game that only the preys know.

suddenly the cafe's guard started walking away from his post. then i noticed the sudden but gradual change from his welcoming smile to every customer that walked in to an arrogance that could not be described, as he approached them.

in the table, one of them even raised his cup and took a deep sip. but it didn't stop the guard. then tension nerves appeared. the once fierce and calling eyes mellowed down to mere pairs of dark balls filled with fear.

i didn't catch what they were talking about. they were just too far from our table. but what i saw next, surprised me.

the guard checked and lifted one of their paper bags, with his arrogance still unmoved. i could see how difficult it was for them to answer and no one even tried to take back what the guard was holding. now, everyone is watching them.

what is the guard asking them? is he asking if they really bought those things? is he implying that they shoplifted it? why are they not reacting violently? why do they look so scared?

questions flew inside my head like papers being swept away by the afternoon breeze. i could think of a million possible scenarios from all the movies and stories i have watched and read. but it seemed like nothing really fit in. until the guard took the bag away and put it inside a box near his post. surprisingly, still no one in the table reacted.

so what's the real score?

when the guard put back his welcoming smile and stood beside the wide and heavy glass door again, the group started talking. they look like they were conniving and cooking something. one by one they stood up and walked toward different directions until only one was left.

then he stood up, went to the guard post and retrieved his paper bag. the guard took it from his shelf and politely handed it over to him. he then went back to his table and slowly finished his cup of tea. and the hunting game resumed.

after a while, i noticed a middle age caucasian passed by, went inside the cafeteria, ordered a cup of coffee and sat three tables away from us. it was no big deal since a good number of foreigners usually go to this mall. but that scene actually gave me, the huge piece of the puzzle that i am missing. and it was later confirmed when the caucasian walked pass us and casually sat beside him. then a transaction was made and they left the place together.

later that night, an acquaintance told us about how these groups are now being driven away by cafes inside this mall. despite the running courtesy rule of big coffee shops around the world, that prohibits them from doing so regardless if they are buying customers or not.

only in the philippines, he added.

in this kind of situation, i have only three things to say.

first, its agitating how people have devised ways to stereotype this kind of preference to mere act of prostitution, to a point that even celebrities or people with big names are of no exemption.

how we dress reflects only a part of who we are and not the entire story of our life.

second, its just sad to know that nowadays, a filipino can feel so alienated to his own country, whenever a foreigner is situated in the same place that s/he is. probably thats the problem of us being too hospitable to other people other than our own. we just keep on thinking foreigners are messiahs: great and kind. while us on the otherhand, are just any other brown skin guy up to something not good.

lastly, yes, i am against prostitution but not to those being prostituted (which i think should be more politically correct term for the word prostitute). thing is, not because someone does something immoral, makes us above them. the morals that we have, will never give us the right to do something bad against their like. there are proper venues.

now, i wonder. what if it will be a group of prostituted foreigners wearing the same kind of clothes and behaving the same manner as they do, will the guard still approach them? will the people around them think of the same thing against them? or will it be an entirely different thing?

come to think of it, all of us have our own flaws. its just that its different from others, for its based upon our own life stories. thus, this makes us not entirely different from them.

all of us have stories other people don't know and may not understand.

*photos taken from the movie irreversible