dilemma

A and I decided to meet in glorietta at 7pm last saturday. i just came out from work while she came from the gym and we thought of pigging out in dads afterwards.

A is one the closest clients i had for a project. as unprofessional as it may sound, unexplainably, we were able to transgress our working relationship outside of business.

she is a very interesting woman. she has this weird fascination with lace and loves wearing them on her hair, stitched it on her dress and even make it as a bracelet and accessories. and regardless, how disconnected they were with her pink gym rubber shoes that day, she still chose to wear it. indeed, she is weird. but i like calling her unique. even her work is unique. well, she happens to be the only woman doing her job in the country. and no, she is not dra. fortun.

on our third plate, i called for a tummy break. darn! we weren't even on the dessert part yet. then i wondered,

"A, why haven't you settled down yet?"

oh no, did i just think it out loud? good thing she didn't take it personally.

"actually, i am not sure. i just can't find him, i guess. why did you ask?"

"mmm... just curious."

she is already on her 30s but looks way younger. she is pleasantly unique and good looking, intelligent, witty and funny. she confessed over one of our past dinners that she haven't had any serious relationships nor went back to the dating scene since she broke up with her last boyfriend years back.

"so who are you often with?"

then she started saying guy names. there i figured,

"all gay men i supposed?"

surprised, she asked, "how did you know?"

" well other than the times you keep on answering me with, 'WIT!' as 'NO' and asking me, "bakirt?" for "bakit?" is already a give away but realizing that you are still single and often hang out with gay guys actually made a lot of sense."

* * *

then i remember, a close friend, a self-confess hardcore fag hag.

"im convinced! i want to be a man in my next life."

"why? giving up in finding mr. right?"

"actually, it is the very reason why i want to be reincarnated as a man. i just find it easier for gay men to find a relationship."

"but have you ever thought how long these relationships last?"

"it doesn't matter! it is better to challenge yourself rather than just wait and witness life chances pass you by."

she actually made a point.

* * *

"i enjoy their company after my best friend introduce me to their circle," A explained.

"let me guess, is he your male best friend from college, who you fell in love with before you knew he was gay."

she laughed with embarrassment, "and the worst part of it, was i cried and blamed him for not telling me because i already have too much emotional investment and expectations on him."

we both laughed.

"imagine, when he introduced me to his secret circle in one of their parties. all good looking men that you will never have a hunch they were gay. i was just laughing the entire time. even came to the point that i end up sleeping in between them on a king-size bed that night and realize at the end that it was the safest place in the world. who needs a boyfriend if you have an entire crowd, right?"

"i think, you just don't know anymore."

"uhm. so are you playing fortune teller now? don't know what?"

"hahaha. you just don't know how to handle men anymore. i mean heterosexual men"

from there, i just noticed her turn red.

"perhaps, i just find straight men boring these days and difficult in keeping a good conversation with."

"OR you just can't stop comparing them with your gay friends."

silence.

"are you open with the idea of being single your entire life?" i was starting to be straight forward at that point.

"i think so."

"but do you still hope of having a family of your own?"

"of course!"

"A, I am not suggesting you detach yourself with your gay friends because i perfectly understand how you enjoy being with them but i guess, for the hope of you having a family, it will be best for you to prioritize."

"what do you mean?"

"lets say after this dinner, you received a text from that good looking new office mate of yours, inviting you for a coffee and then seconds after, you also receive an invitation from your best friend saying his throwing another house party. who will you say yes?"

another brief silence.

"i guess, i know what you mean. it just feels like im facing this dilemma and the only way out is to always go back to where i feel i am comfortable with."

"well, i guess, that's an innate response."

in the perception of some girls, particularly fag hags, gay guys are the epitome of a perfect man. they believe, most gay guys are smart, intelligent, possess remarkable sense of humor, emotional, thoughtful and most importantly, very sensitive and empathic. and if extremely lucky, they can also be really good looking and at the same time physically fit compare to other heterosexual men.

unfortunately though, they knew, being perfect is next to being impossible--- simply because of preference. while some are just believers. they believe that there is that hope that they can turn a gay guy (they like) straight then eventually end up crying but becoming the best of friends at the end.

i guess, i just find A a catch. a treasure that most men fail or miss to turn as of the moment. she may be unique on her own way but i believe that she can be the best other half for someone who is also looking for a lifetime partner.

funny what A told me before we called it a night. how she would love to be reincarnated as a gay guy too just to find mr. right easier (when i was just about to tell her that story of my close girlfriend).

if she only knew.

hey, did we just confirm a sign here or what? :)

the person i do not want to be

if there was one thing i remembered about her youth, it was her ambition.

her parents told her, she was the smartest among all the nine children they have. thus, being in a poor family of farmers, they always had high hopes for her.

she dreamt of taking up a degree in economics and pursue a career out of it. she wanted to be a career woman, save up and live a life out from a land that they can't even call their own. but its hard to live a life when you started from scratch. thus, she also pursued the (only) road most people like her takes--- an entirely different alley.

she took a vocational course and worked as a secretary in an appliance store in caloocan to save up for her dreams. but along the way, she met her employer's nephew, a young, charming seafarer with a big sense of humor. to make it short, she fell in love with him and before she knew it, she was already conceiving their first child.

source

so she had to set her dreams aside for the meantime and focus on the arrival of another unexpected path, being a wife and a mother.

without even getting married, they decided to move together and eventually saw the downfalls of each other. the seafarer, still in denial that he was about to become a father, began playing around. while she on the other hand, was left inside their small apartment, brewing a strong concoction of frustration and depression.

i really can't speak on her behalf about what she was going through that time. but if there was one thing i am sure of, it was very severe. so chronic that it actually cost us our supposed oldest sibling. but on the brighter side, it made my dad realized he was already a commited family man.

as time passed by, we then came. all four of us; two boys, two girls; and me being the eldest now. and life flew above my mom like a swift passing afternoon breeze. it was so fast that she even forgot about the dream she once set aside. and for her, it was already too late.

***

two months ago, my mom and i had a big fight over this huge favor i was desperately asking from her. she refused simply because my dad disagreed.

i forgot the last time i went that ballistic that it totally made me cry. i was so mad at her that i decided to give her the silent treatment i thought she deserved.

i began asking questions like why can't she make up a decision of her own? why does she always link her life with other people? why can't she be independent? i guess, it was the feminist in me that added the flare in my anger.

for weeks i refused to get her calls. i never replied back whenever she sent me messages asking how am i? did i already find a job and all those other motherly questions, which i live for the most part of growing up.

basically, during that time, i lived a segment of my life telling myself, kung natiis niya ako, kaya ko din siyang tiisin. that was how far i could be when i am mad.

then early this morning, i woke up a bit awkward. i felt there was something different. then i realized, she was there. my entire family went back home here in manila to spend the holidays.

source

as usual, there she was again, living in her own world, built on that part of our house with a knife and a crop in her hands. silent, reserved and almost frail. though i always remember her to be very eager and a bit stronger before.

it always makes me wonder whats going on inside her head. i always wonder what she feels, about choosing to fulfill other people's life other than her own. i wonder what she will rant if given the chance or if she is even capable or brave enough to give out one? did she ever regret living a life behind us?

i grew up telling myself, i don't want to be like her. i don't want to live my entire life behind the shadows of other people. i don't want to lock and stagnate myself doing household chores only and that i will never allow love to hinder me from achieving my dreams. i want to live my life to the fullest. i want to be as successful as i can be until i will be remembered.

suddenly, she turned on my direction and caught me just staring at her. i was literally dumbstruck in that moment. for the first time, i couldn't think of anything that would get me out of that awkward situation. for i still want her to believe that i am still not okay and that i am still mad at her.

but then she smiled at me. something she rarely does and that completely swept away all the grudges i have for her. then she wrapped it all up by saying, "kumain ka na? pinagluto kita ng sinigang na baboy. tinanggalan ko na din yan ng buto para hindi mo na himayin tulad ng gusto mo"

i never thought, she knew. although it was a given fact in the family that sinigang is my favorite dish (probably because, for me, my mom cooks the best sinigang like all other children will say about their mother).and compare to other kids who usually separate the fat part from the meat, i on the other hand, would never touch any meat which has bones with it and i hid this from my parents because of the fear that they will call me stubborn(again). eventually, i have outgrown this habit but never i have realized she would remember.

i guess, if theres someone who knows you better than anybody else, it would be our parents, and for me it would be her.

in that moment, as much as i want to deny it to myself and despite being taller and bigger than my mom now, i felt like a kid again.

her scent crumbles down all the knowledge and strength i have proudly acquired from my education and experiences. the touch of her warm skin as it accidentally brushed on mine, brings back memories of me crying for her name for refuge whenever i wake up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream. and her gentle voice can just conjure serenity and calmness, i kept looking for.

indeed, its really hard to talk or write something about the person you genuinely love. that is why i never wrote something about her until now.

i guess, i still don't want to be the person like her for the simple reason i can never be like her.

she is beyond any words of description that only the child in me can comprehend. perhaps, she have already fulfilled her dreams, although not the dreams she intended to be but of a better one, and that is raising us well.

source

and now im writing this entry to affirm her success. so that every person who will read this will know that she has been as successful as she can be and she will be remembered to be the mother of this son who once wrote that simple but victorious story of her life.

also read:
letter in the closet

excuse my religion

*this will be a lengthy post.

never argue about religion.

this is the one thing that i have realized from multiple discussions i had so far. for me, regardless, of how interesting or promising the flow of the conversation may be, i always try to avoid it as much as possible; especially at times, when someone insist it to me.

let us admit it, it is never easy to tackle and question another people's belief. for first, it is simply disrespectful, not only to the individual, but to the long history of the community s/he belongs. and lastly, you will never ever reach a common point. it will always be just an (heated) arguement, rather than a healthy debate or conversation.

religion is the sum total of a long history of beliefs and traditions of a particular community. in sociology, it is believed to be practiced and observed for it is deemed appropriate, or better yet beneficial, for the survival of both human individual and society.

i was born and raised roman catholic. and i can say, that my family is pretty strict and compliant when it comes to our religion. signs of it include the fact that all of us studied in exclusive catholic schools. we observe novena everyday, attend mass during sundays, pray grace to each meal we have (even if its just small snacks and meriendas); and even required (by our parents) to memorize, fully understand and discuss each passages of the bible before we go to bed. i even remember my dad bringing me to a seminary when i was sent to the province to take highschool. but since i was a transferee from manila, the rector did not allow me. nonetheless, i never ended up being religious. but i could not classify myself neither as an agnostic nor atheist. i'd rather prefer being called spiritual.

for me, the belief of (a) god/s is always present. but i can not help myself from doubting some claims whenever it is being interpreted and applied by its institution (or the church) to my life. and other than these, i refuse to elaborate further. for as i have earlier mentioned, i am avoiding crossing other people's boundaries, until that day.

he was my immediate supervisor from my previous job. i never really knew him that well. all i knew was, he seriously wants to be a seminarian and hopefully to be a priest. but since the responsibilty of being the eldest son in the family indirectly called him, he set aside this ambition first and took the role of being the bread-winner of his family. nonetheless, he claims that he kept a spiritual adviser in contact whenever his devotion is put into the test because of work.

"eric, are you a catholic?" he politely asked me while i was busy signing some work-related documents.

"by paper, yes. by practice, no."

"meaning?"

"i believe in the presence of god. but i value my free will more than what my church calls for me."

"interesting. but why?"

"i am sorry, boss. but i am really not comfortable elaborating my answer."

"i understand. its okay."

i smiled at him as a sign that i appreciate him respecting my decision. but at the back of my head, i was also itching to know why he raised the question. thus,

"why did you ask?"

"nothing really. i just wondered, how are you with your teammates considering they are... you know.. they are..."

"gays and lesbians?"

yes. all of my teammates, if not for one straight guy , are gays and lesbians.

"i am pretty okay with them. actually, i enjoy their company and i never really considered their sexuality as a problem to their performance or to mine."

"it is surprising that you are pretty open and considerate with this."

"of course, why can't i?"

"you see, personally, i have already accepted this idea (idea??? strike one!), especially in this kind of industry (aha! stereotyping. strike two!). but as a religious person, all i can do is to tolerate. but what i am really against with is the... (he was already twitching just thinking of the word) sex or promiscousity associated with this kind of life style for it is a sin (SIN. strike three. OUT!)."

there goes my queu. gathering all the thoughts in my head, i composed myself and just smiled back at him. for i knew, he would definitely asked for my opinion.

"how about you? whats your stand about this?"

told you.

"for me, sex is neither a need or want. it is a drive. and human nature will tell us, that regardless if it is about sex or not, the more you repress or supress something, the more an individual reacts, craves and does it. thus, in terms of the behavior, we perceive it as being promiscous.

i guess, what i am just trying to say is that the behavior is due to the lack of institutional recognition; that is deemed wrong or a sin because of the absence of that one thing that justifies sex: marriage. though i am not really a big fan of the general concept, i still believe that it will definitely be beneficial to the general welfare of the individuals concerned and even to the society they belong; for the fact, still remains, that regardless of how non-traditional the concept may be, all of us are still deeply rooted with a big part of our common traditions and beliefs.

i believe that human nature is not as complex as what we think it is. what we just need to do is to try being more open to the wide variety of possibilities, in order for us to understand it. besides, there is no such thing as a stationary individual or society. each entity evolves based from each needs in order to survive. thus, if a society is faced with such problem, it does not mean that it needs to throw away everything that it has long-established and change entirely. what we are just being called for is to adjust, if deemed necessary, and then move further. for the only thing that changes in this world is time alone."

then i immediately looked at my supervisor's reaction and i swear, i heard a voice inside of my head saying, "nganga!" hahaha!

he did not follow up anything anymore. he just slowly nodded and asked me to go back to my desk. when i sat on my station, T was seated beside me, "what is that about? it took you guys almost an hour."

"nothing. just trying to know each other."

then i saw a subtle smile on the side of his lips.

"whatever, T."

days after i ended my contract, i received a text message from an unknown number.

"hey eric. how are you? i have heard of what happened. wanna have coffee this weekend?"

it was my supervisor, N.

clairvoyance

i had a dream.

in it, i saw myself standing on the center of a spacious patio, covered with colorful but broken tiles. i really can't picture what the entire collage looked like, from where i am standing. but looking at the dark and gloomy clouds above, i guess, its showing sadness to heaven.

then i started walking towards that massive cathedral, blankly staring at me. as if calling my name and knew who i am. i never thought that such structure can be that seducing. thus, i heed.

its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

then i remembered pushing a pair of huge wooden door, that despite its size, it was so light that i doubted if my palms were really touching and pushing it. when i stepped inside, there was an ongoing mass. i really cant remember the last time i heard one. so in a way, it was already plain nostalgia to me.

i don't even remember what the sermon was all about but whatever it was it made me remember J again.

it has been years since the last time i saw J and it was just that night that i wondered where J is.

as usual, we lost communication from the last time we saw each other. it was never been an issue to me since it has been that way ever since. i guess where not really fond of talking and it was mostly silence that moved us together (and apart too).

you see, even in such young age, we were already in this kind of set up. eventhough we don't know what it is called during that time. lets say it was distance that pushed us to take or risk it. and for me, it was hope that made me stay. but never really knew what J had that time.

i never believe in love is waiting. probably because if it is indeed true love, you'll never let the person to wait for you in turmoil. and of course, all these realizations just came after J.

i remember there were nights before that i would received messages from unknown numbers soliciting comfort and advises from their problems. and being the goody goody me, i would always reply back to them even without asking who they were. i never had problems with it. perhaps, because at the back of my head, i always believed or made myself to believe, it was J.

i sat on a long empty bench, positioned almost infront of the altar. patiently observing almost everything infront of me. trying to patch up the memories that have been wiped away by time. the cross, the face on it, the picture of pain on a mother's face and even the conviction on the priest's sermon.

then i wondered how J was. probably because, i never received any messages from unknown numbers anymore. i wonder if J has the same problems again? how is J dealing with it? why is J not texting me anymore? or if J already found another person to ask?

honestly, i am no longer expecting for any of these questions to be answered. i am already contended with the pace that i am going through with my life. and i guess, what i could only hope for is for J to have the same and to have a good life.

suddenly, i saw a small boy struggling as he approached me. then he tripped, fell and hugged my knees. i picked him up and asked him if he was alright. then he giggled. hahaha. i almost blushed.

then i looked at him. he had a smile that could melt all the loneliness away. a pair of dreamy eyes that could lift anyone's soul. he was such an adorable kid that for a moment made me think if cherubins are real. i wanted to take him home. then nostalgia hit me again.

whats with this dream and nostalgia thing? i asked myself.

then i heard his parents softly calling him. so i gently carried his left arm as he turned back from me and looked at him as he struggled back to his parents. when he reached them, one of his parents smiled at me as a sign of gratitude. but when i was about to smile back, in my surprise, i saw J sitting beside the two. and J smiled too.

from there, i caught myself making the longest smile that marked my lips at this very moment and even woke up still smiling. in a very strange way, i felt really REALLY good about it.

***

several days after, out of extreme boredom and without anything to do, i decided to logged on in my old friendster account to check who from my friends are still actively using it (in this facebook-dominated time). and while, i was scrolling down the updates, i actually saw J's name. J posted a photo album, with this picture on it.

then i caught myself again doing the same long smile. i never imagine myself to be this happy for J or for any of my ex.

for at last, someone had finally convinced and made J to settle down. something that i guess, i can never do and J can never have and be---

with me.

fear (and/of) understanding

a year ago, there was this one thing i couldn't really write about, amidst all the entries i have posted before, where i bravely brought my insights, as well as some experiences, when it comes to love, sex, homosexuality, incest, illicit relationships, social deviances and even some of my radical political leanings (even though, i know that not all readers will agree or at least understand it); and that topic was all about HIV.

see, i may not be as sexually active as most people of my generation. but i am still scared (for the lack of better term) of that tiny and sheer possibility of still getting it.

but someone once told me that fear actually comes from the lack of understanding. we fear about something because we either don't know what it really is or we don't do anything to at least make ourselves be aware of it. but whats actually worst is that, most of the time, because of this fear, we (conscoiusly or unconsciously) create prejudices and discrimination against other people. and we only have our ignorance to be blamed.

so just recently, i have finally pulled all the guts i have to face it.

surprisingly, i have realized, that courage is not actually about conditioning ourselves to be brave, it is simply making ourselves be aware and open minded, in order to overcome that fear.

so i have i thought of posting this video that really moved and made me cry last night. a video, which i believe is worthier than any video that either tells my song of the week, my love life status or even my current mood.

so please, spare a moment of your time for this. who knows, you might find your own understanding and courage from it too.

(i even transcribed the video for those who have internet connections slower than molasses... hahaha. just kidding!)

Intro text:

This is a story of a 25-year old woman from the Philippines, who discovered a world of compassion, acceptance and commitment upon falling in love with a man with HIV.

The following images and outsourced video clips you are about to see are used to protect their identity.

Voice Over (Girl):

Every girl has a dream wedding, where its a perfect day.

She'll have her perfect dress and marry the perfect man. And in front of family and friends, make a vow to love each other; for better, for worst; for richer, for poorer;

in sickness and in health.

I'm Reese 25 years old from Cebu. 2 years ago, I would have been your regular girl next door; carefree and naive, with typical hopes and simple dreams. But all that changed when i went to Australia to pursue further studies.

I just think to a new place was pretty hard for me at first. Aside from the relatives, i was staying with, i didn't really know anyone else. No friends at all. So i ventured into chatting and thats where i met Brian.

We were both into anime, liked the same shows, loved the same bands. The connection was just undeniably strong from the very beginning. And getting to know more about each other, quickly grew to liking more about each other.

Two months later, we were inlove. We started talking about the future one day. Then his past suddenly became a concern to me.

He's always been open about everything. So I knew about how he have been with a lot of girls and stuffs like that. And we were also learning about STDs in school at the time. So I just asked him bluntly, have you ever got tested for a STD. He said, he have been cleared four years ago. But I still encouraged him to take the test again.

...came week later, and everything came out negative. But shortly after, he received a call from the clinic asking him to take another test. They said he might have HIV.

I was dumbfounded. I was shocked. I was everything. I didn't even know how to react or what to say. All i knew was that i already love this man. And was willing to fight this so called disease with him. So i looked it up and got as much as information as I could and taught myself about it.

The final test came back positive.

It was July and I called my mom and she cried with me. But she never spoke ill about it or about Brian. She didn't tell me to leave him, to find someone else or something like that. She was thinking in a way like, what if Brian was my son? How would i feel? What if my son had HIV and people would shun him? Or think bad things about him?

My other relatives on the other hand, reacted badly about it. They would call my parents and asked why they weren't doing anything to stop our relationship. They said it was suicide and that I was stupid for still being with him.

My friends had mixed feelings. They weren't totally against Brian. They were just concerned about the risks involved. About me, possibly getting HIV as well.

As for Brian's side, only his mom, sister and two friends were told about it. They don't want anyone else to know and they deal with it differently. By pretending its not there. Thats there way of coping, I guess.

So in a way, we were forced to hide Brian's HIV status. My family was really the only support system he had.

Its scary how people are so misinformed and so quick to judge. They don't know that its not a death sentence. And they forget that those with HIV are still people. People who get hurt. People who can still love and be love.

I remember hearing mass with Brian one Sunday. and the gospel was about Jesus and the leper. About how lepers were atleast stigmatized and isolated from society. But Jesus still have so much love and compassion for them.

I started crying. I cried so hard. Somehow it touched me and I knew then we have God in our side, that He'd give us strength through it all.

Three months later, another surprise. Brian and I were strolling down a beach in Sydney. Then with a mood ring in hand, he asked me to marry him. I couldn't believe he took my fascination for mood ring seriously.

Though as sweet as it was, I didn't really have an answer. i wasn't sure if i was ready.

I have been single all my life and everythings always been just about me. So I spent my last three months in Autsralia with Brian and his family. And then those few blissful months, I found myself wanting and hoping to just be there for him; to be strong for him; to help him get better; to always find a way to make things good for him. My life was no longer just about me, that's when I realized that I was already committed to this wonderful man and was ready to share the rest of my life with him.

Shortly before coming back to the Philippines, Brian brought me back to the same beach, and proposed once again. This time he had a diamond ring and I had definite answer.

When we consulted doctors about having children, we were told that as long as he takes his meds, we can still have a healthy baby. There are ways and we can even do it the natural way.

YES! we can do it. With some precautions here and there, we can still do it. So we really are just like any other couple, but with three additional letters that have changed as both, for the better.

I was very much still like a child before all this happened, with no goals and responsibilities in life. Now, I'm like a straight arrow with Brian's well being as my target. He inspires me and makes my life more meaningful.

As for Brian, he now has a healthier lifestyle, his vices are gone and he's gone back to the Lord.

I have always seen him as a fighter. But now he is stronger and a whole lot more positive than ever. So life is great. I love my fiancee and will be his coach, team mate and cheerleader in his fight against HIV.

Every girl has a dream wedding and i'll have mine this December.

It doesn't have to be a perfect day and I don't need a perfect dress. 'Cause I will have Brian, my perfect man. And in front of family and friends. Some naive, some understanding. We'll make a vow to love each other. For better, for worst; for richer for poorer; in sickness in health, as long as it we both shall live.

Brian and Reese are set to tie the knot this December 08. 2009 in Australia.

CONGRATULATIONS!