intellectualizing sex

L came to a point wherein he just want to fuck around. no expectations. no complications. easy.

source

L meets them up. go somewhere private. no more talking. just undress.

no need for staring; for appreciating. L has no time. he just need to satisfy his urge, which he thinks might be his own curse.  

skip the gestures. no kissing. no hugging.

L goes down. flips. moans. screams. clings. everything he needs to know how.

L turn his back. he cannot know. he cannot remember. L hates why he have to think about this. why does he need to rationalize this?

L feels the grip growing stronger. L moves faster. L loosen up the grip. it hurts. L breath shorter. L chases the rush. he feels the rush. until finally L surrenders and catches a half sigh.

then L stands up and put on his clothes. he opens the door and dashes his way out without turning back. after several steps, he leaned flat on the wall and firmly pressed his hand on his chest.

feeling.

listening.

he was just in time - before the next beat.

so how have i been?

never been better.

last week, i just celebrated my seventh year with my company; and as of the moment, i still have no thoughts of leaving anytime soon.

i enjoy my work as it gives me a lot of space to move, to learn and grow. i travel very frequently to places which i did not think i would if it was just a personal trip. it makes my brain run. never been a routine, time flies so fast that most of the time it fee
ls you have been robbed. and above all, it gives you a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment at the end of the day.

i am also committed to someone and have been living together for more than four years now with the most stubborn but the cutest 3-year old siberian husky. we are staying in a 2-bedroom apartment in makati, wherein we also throiw regular sunday dinners for friends and host couchsurfers.

recently, i enjoy going home early, lie down and do nothing. my mind is clearer than it was before. i still get bored easily but i get by by just thinking nothing.

honestly, i feel like i have less friends now and i do not have any problems with it. i guess, i already came to a point wherein i just keep a few and pretty much satisfied with it.

as you grow old, you realize friendship is anchored by respect and not by politeness. we tell them the truth than to drown them by illusions due to the fear that we might hurt their feelings.

one time, i read this statement by meryl streep (though i am not also sure if she really did say this) but boy was i glad to have someone finally put my thoughts in words. ever since then, i started refering it as the meryl streep syndrome.

there were several attempts to sketch and write but it always end up in the corner. for some reason, i always end up falling short of inspiration. i guess because i was used to channel it from a darker source. hahaha! so now, here i am trying again, taking the first step.

i also gained so much weight over the past years. in fact, last september, i was rushed and confined for a week in the hospital for almost having a stroke due to travel stress, lack of sleep, lack of exercise and poor diet which i obviously taken for granted. i then realize that maybe this is the way life is telling me that i am no longer getting any younger; that the days of YOLO-ing is finally over.

but its also ironic how gaining weight made me gained so much confidence, to a point wherein you just stop worrying or stop always trying to prove something. again, you just stop caring. or maybe i am just really growing old.

today, after finishing two major and grueling projects, blankly looking at my monitor screen. i've finally cornered my head to focus on something: i am thinking of BUSINESS.

how i manage my own quarter life crisis

* a forward entry inspired by roundtable challenge's resurrection. 

several months before graduating, i remember sitting beside a good friend on an abandoned pavement. arms wrapped around my worn out sweats, chest touching my knees while we were sharing warmth from a single cigarette stick.

we still cannot believe that several months from that time, we have to leave the ups and downs of college and start another chapter of our lives. although its not goodbye, we knew that everything will change and somehow our tears were the indicators that we refused to be ready for it.

the first few years were nothing near what we have expected. there were always those murmurs at the back of our heads which keep on reminding us of our frustrations. we always thought coming from a reputable university with good grades, being student leaders and having outstanding extra-curricular achievements would give us better advantage in landing the goals we aimed for. but it didn't. for the companies we applied and worked with, we were nothing but redundant and dispensable gears just to secure the operation is working. but what i hated the most was how we were treated based on our lack of relevant work experience. but i just couldn't blame them.

every time we meet, we were always almost penniless, working and jumping to one job to another which to begin with, we did not even like and we even agreed not to talk about our lovelives. but what were worst was the fact that these were not even the highlights of our quarter life crises.

looking back at it now, so many things have changed. the murmurs gradually became silent. we eventually landed on the path we wanted. she went back to the university to teach while i took the corporate life.

we don't see each other as often as before. we hardly keep in touch and deciding a meeting date or place usually take weeks to do. although we both have these challenges, we still both know that we have each others' backs.

so how did i make it? through several realizations:

first, always have dream. a practical and manageable dream. but make sure you are ready to fail and that you are willing to invest a lot of time and patience in it. dreams are never achieved over night, not even months or years. surprisingly, i have realized mine were usually found in places where i didnt expect them to be - most of the time among hard, difficult and similarly stagnant places.

second, always think that there is no such thing as a "deadlock" job. although something has to pay the rent, people should stay and work for the knowledge and experience and not simply for the money and benefits. despite how stagnant or slow moving a job may be, as long as you are learning and gaining experience- stay; stay like a growing tree. whenever you are thinking of leaving, always ask yourself if you are willing to go back at step 1 in exchange of an additional grand.

third, build a career. build a career not defined by movies and TV series which are usually based on high salary, benefits, nice clothes, cars or fame. build yours based on  your own sense of fulfillment and success.

fourth, never go where the money is going; rather follow where your career goes. at the end, you will realize that money and fulfillment go to whoever follow their career.

fifth, learn to appreciate. although there are people who were born with a lot of goodluck genes, most people were just born. for most people, they achieved there dreams without even realizing it because an actualized dream may happen to be different from how we imagine it. hence, many tend to overlook it and less appreciative of what they have.

in writing this, it doesn't mean that i have already reached my goals. in fact, i am still working on an 8 to infinity shift, with OTTY (Over Time, Thank You) while stealing some time writing this entry. i have no car and i am still renting an apartment with a couple of friends who i need to share the expenses. but i am contended.

i like the feeling that despite the stress and work problems, i can still smile and feel a certain level of fulfillment whenever i go out of work. then i am greeted by a warm embrace when i arrive home.

i like the feeling that time flies because somehow i like what i am doing. and most specially, i know that the knowledge and experience i am gaining will eventually carry me to my next dream. so for those, experiencing this, just stay put and be a tree; patient but growing. its just a phase.

salamat, pare

*an attempt to write a coming of age short story for a writing class many years ago.

Sure na ako, Rod.

Saan?

Bakla si kuya.

Ang totoo, naloka talaga ako sa sinabing yun ni Jake nang minsang tawagan ko siya. Bigla akong nagdalawang isip kung itutuloy ko pa ang balak ko.

Kababalik ko lang nun fresh from the city of pines para sa halos isang buwang sem break. At siyempre, isa siya sa mga agad ko’ng tinawagan para tagpuin. Hindi na nga kami nagkabosesan. Matagal-tagal na din kasi ng huli kaming nag-usap. Alam mo na, busy sa college life, adjustments and all that. Lalo na sa mga pagbabagong narealize ko duon. Ang tanda ko na nga, may mga realizations nang nagaganap.

Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Jake. Bigla akong naniwalang may pag-asa pa ang world peace. Ang laki ng pinagbago niya. Hiyang-hiya ang Doc Martens, na suot-suot ko at mainit-init pa galing UK-UK, sa gara ng kanyang boy next door look, nang magkita kami. Ipagyayabang ko pa sanang bente pesos ko lang nabili ang suot ko.

Bumukol ang matipunong pangangatawan ni Jake sa suot niyang puting shirt. Kapansin-pansin ang gamunggo niyang mga utong sa likod nito; and I confess father, may biglang pumitik sa loob ng brief ko. Pero malice aside, hindi mapagkakailang lumabas ang tikas at likas na kagwapuhan niya ngayon. Malayo na sa gusgusin at pilyong bata na mahilig umakyat at pumapak ng hilaw na aratilis. Hindi na nga mapagkakailang lahi talaga sila ng mga modelo’t artista. Nasan ba kasi ang nanay ko nung single pa ang tatay niya? Ewan ko ba.

Kuya?

Oo, Kuya ko, si Kuya Mark.

Anim na taon ang tanda sa amin ni Mark. Pero technically, mas matanda kami sa kanya dahil leap year siya pinanganak. May minsan din na pinagdudahan namin na baka special child siya.

Pero habang lumalaki kami, madalang namin siyang makasama ni Jake. Tahimik at reserved kasi siya. Kundi nagpapawis sa basketball ay nagkukulong lang siya sa kwarto. Kaya hindi na ako magugulat kung pagkakamalan siyang may sariling facebook ng mga imaginary friends. Teka, nasabi ko na bang leap year siya pinanganak?

Pero in a serious note, noong namatay ang tatay nila isang taon matapos makapasa ni Mark sa engineering board, siya ang sumalo sa pamilya. Winner siya sa pagiging Gawad ulirang kapatid. Sabay niya kaming tinuturuan ni Jake sa mga assignments at review college entrance exams namin. At kahit ngayong patapos na kami sa kolehiyo, siya pa din ang nagiging takbuhan namin kapag may mahihirap kaming mga proyekto.

Paano mo naman nasabi?

Basta parang may nagbago kay kuya. Napansin ko lang, pare parang pasikip ng pasikip ang damit niya,

Huh?! bakit ikaw?

Rocker ako. E, Siya wala namang banda.

            Siguro ngayon alam niyo na kung bakit kami magkaibigan, he never fails to surprise me. Kung may sariling mundo si Mark, may sarili namang perception sa mga bagay-bagay itong si Jake.

At ang choice of colors, ang sakit-sakit sa mata, daig pa ang reflector ng jeep.

Ayaw mo nun hindi siya masasagasaan kapag gabi.

Tapos puro branded pa. Paborito niyang brand yung… yung folded and twang,

Folded and hung.

Ang brand na galit ata sa mga big-boned at obese dahil daig pa ang baby Guess at Osh Kosh Bigosh sa fit.

Oo yun! saka… saka yung people is people.

Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Basta ang alam ko magaling si Jake sa Math.

At meron pa minsan nakita ko tshirt niya, Kamiseta. Di ba brand pambabae yun?

Baka naman metrosexual lang si Mark. Magkaiba ang pagiging fashionable sa pagiging bakla no.

Sabihin mo metrosexual, isang metro na lang homosexual na.

Oo na, daig ko pa ang supot sa pagiging transparent at halata sa itsura ni Jake na hindi siya kumbinsido sa mga sinabi ko. Naisip ko tuloy, papaano ko na lang sasabihin sa kanya ang totoo?

Yun nga din ang naisip ko. Pero ito, pare, madalas kapag gabi, tuwing pinipick up ko yung extension ng telepono sa taas. Nahuhuli ko siyang laging may kausap na lalake.

Lalo akong kinabahan. Mukhang aagawin pa ata ni Mark ang moment ko. 

Baka naman best friend niya.

E, Babae ang best friend niya.

Oo nga pala si Shiela.

Akala ko nga girlfriend niya yun dati. Hindi pala. Ang weird pa nun, babae ang best friend niya. Hindi ka ba nagtataka? Madalang na may pinakikila si kuya na lalaking kaibigan pwera na lang sa mga teammates niya noon.

Bigla kong naisip ang basket ball team ni Mark. Kung sineryoso ko lang sana ang basketball noong tinuturuan kami ng tatay nila, e di sana may I join the varsity na din ako ngayon. Aba, libre kaya ang tuition fee ng mga varsity sa amin. May libreng tanghalian pa.

Hindi naman basehan yun.

Kunsabagay. Pero yun nga lang din, pare. Iniisip ko paano na lang kung magladlad si Kuya? Kanino na ako manghihiram ng damit kapag naka bestida't make up na siya? Sino na ang magiging kalaro ko ng basketball kapag lumamya na kilos niya? Imagine, ang rookie of the year at MVP ng school ay isa palang manash?!

            My God! 1990s pa ng huling narining ko ang salitang Manash. Naawa ako bigla kay Jake. Naturingan na best friend ko siya but he is so out dated with the latest lingo. Pero may I shift ang topic ng bigla kong napansin ang takot sa mga mata ni Jake.

Ang kaparehong takot na nakita ko sa mga mata ni mama noong hinatid nila ako sa bus terminal patungong Baguio, noong gabing nakipaghiwalay sa akin ang una kong girlfriend at noong inamin ko sa mga kabahay ko ang tunay kong pagkatao.

Bakit lahat ba ng lalaki tubero o karpentero? Lahat ba ng babae housewife? At kung magkaganunman, ano naman ang masama dun?

Tahimik na napatingin lang sa malayo si Jake. Doon ko na nafigure out, na ito na nga ata ang tinatawag nilang drama.

Naalala mo si Sir Arceo, yung paborito nating teacher sa Chemistry. Di ba inamin niya sa atin noong graduation na bakla siya. Tingin mo ba malalaman nating bakla siya kundi niya sinabi? At wala namang nagbago. Siya pa rin ang paborito nating teacher nun, ‘di ba?

Hindi pa din umimik si Jake. Na-isnab ang ganda ng Lola Arceo ko. 

E, si tito Mike, yung engineer na kasama nila papa sa firm. Si Dr. Uy yung doctor ng papa mo noon. Di ba bakla din---.

            Natigil ang eksenadorang speech ko nang nakita kong nakatingin na lang sa akin si Jake. Mas intense na ang mga mata niya. Mas deep, dark and mapang-usig. Yeeeess! mapang-usig.

Pamilyar ang mga titig na yun. Kung hindi lang Jolina Magdangal sabihin parang natutunaw ako sa mga titig niya, siguro bumigay na ako. But don’t get me wrong, tama na ang isang press release for the day. Dahil sa ngayon, mas kailangan ako ng kaibigan ko.

Madaling sabihin yan kapag ibang tao, Rod, pero ibang kaso na kapag malapit sa iyo ang pinag-uusapan.

Jake, ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin, hindi  lahat ng bakla parlorista. At hindi din naman masama maging parlorista. Ang mahalaga wala kang inaapakang iba. Respeto lang yan para irespeto din tayo.

Maya-maya’y nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang pagkailang ng unti-unti linapit ni Jake ang mukha niya. In that distance, halos mabilang ko na ang hibla ng kanyang makapal na pilik mata, ang mga linya sa kanyang mapulang labi at maging ang biglang pagbago ng ekspresyon ng kanyang malamlam na mata. Then I realized, na gusto ko na lang tumambling sa pagiging matalinghaga ko.

Nakkkksss, ang lalim.

Sira! Sabay kotong sa kanyang bumbunan.

Arayyy… Actually, pare. Okay lang naman kung bakla si kuya. Walang kaso dun, promise! Ang ayoko lang e yung  pagtatawanan o gagaguhin siya ng ibang tao dahil bakla siya.

Napatahimik ako sa sinabi ni Jake. Bigla ko’ng naisip ang mga kapatid ko. Ganun din kaya sila sa akin?

Mahal ko si kuya at alam mo kung ano ang pinagdaanan niya nung mamatay si papa.  Kaya nga kung tatanungin ako kung sinong tao ang pinaka deserving lumigaya, para sa akin, si kuya yun. Ayoko siyang makitang malungkot o umiiyak. Ayoko siyang kinukutya o pinagsasamantalahan. Makakapatay ako, pare. Pero ang mas kinakatakot ko ay ayoko din makitang tumanda siyang malungkot at nag-iisa.

Alam mo, Jake. May nagsabi sa akin dati, na ang pag-iisa ay hindi kapalaran ninuman. Ang kapalaran natin ay produkto ng sarili nating mga desisyon at ginawa sa buhay. At sa tingin ko sa lahat ng mga ginagawa ng kuya mo ngayon, hindi siya kailanman tatanda mag-isa. Dahil kung sakali man na wala siyang makikitang mapapangasawa o makakasama sa buhay, nandiyan ka, mga kaibigan niya at ang pamilya niyo para samahan siya.

Biglang may tumulong luha sa pisngi ni Jake. Ang totoo nagulat talaga ako nang makita ko siyang tuloy-tuloy nang umiyak. Yun ang unang beses na nakita ko siyang nagkaganun. Kinuha ko agad ang panyo ko sa bulsa at inabot sa kanya, habang pinagdadasal na hindi niya mapansing hindi R ang initial na nakaburda doon. I know, minsan my pagka-old school din ako.

Seryoso, tol. Siguro kung naririnig ka ng kuya mo ngayon, for sure sobrang proud yun sa iyo. Maswerte siya dahil kapatid ka niya.

Ulul! Mas maswerte ka dahil kaibigan mo ako at ikaw lang ang nakakakitang umiiyak ako. Halika nga dito.

Biglang inabot ni Jake ang kanyang braso sa akin. Yes, may ilangan factor noong una, pero inakap ko na din. Doon ko napagtantong, tumatanda na nga talaga kami. Marahil dahil sa tagal naming magkaibigan, virgin pa kami sa yakap ng isa’t isa. Pero ang totoo, natuwa ako at naiiyak na din.

Pare, Salamat! Sana dito ka na lang nag-aral para may nakakausap ako ng ganito. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko katagal tinago ito. Gago ka! Ikaw lang pala ang makapaglalabas nito.  

Tumuloy-tuloy na ang pag-iyak ko nang narinig ko yun. Marahil namiss ko lang talaga ng husto si Jake.

Dahil din dun, mas lalo kong naramdaman ang importansiya namin sa isa’t isa. Malungkot isipin na hindi na kami tulad ng dati, wala na yung mga batang paglalaro lang ang iniisip, kung ano ang uso at kung saan village dadayo.  Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, mas masaya ako sa ganito dahil napag-uusapan namin ang mga bagay na di naming kayang sabihin noon.

            Malapit na, tol. Malapit na, bulong ko kay Jake habang yakap ko siya, at huwag kang mag-alala, dahil di ko kayang lokohin si Mark dahil mahal na mahal ko siya.

Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ni Jake pero sa wakas, nasabi ko na din ang gusto kong sabihin. Subalit imbes bumitaw, naramdaman ko ang lalong paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin sabay sabing,

Salamat ulit, pare.  

random conversations, attraction and life thoughts

when i was growing up, i was believed that mutual attraction is the union of opposites; a never ending cycle of compliments; a concoction of appreciation and understanding of what lacks or whats different.

source

as one of my grade 5 teachers will always say during her discussion with puberty; boys will always like girls and girls will always like boys. like magnets, opposite attracts and similar repel- thats the law of attraction. Then the year after, i’ve heard she was already handling religion.

when i was in highschool, it became somehow different. but it was only when i reached college, when i finally realized that not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. same goes with not all gays guys only go with straight men and lesbians only go with straight women.

it was just the other day when some officemates and i noticed how P already developed this talent with his lips. discreetly pointing it to someone he finds cute. and being pros on our own fields, we found our own discreet ways and poses just to find his object of attraction. then eventually laugh with each other after realizing how stupid our efforts were.

"go after him," S advised.

"do you think he's gay too? what if hes straight?" P asked while still locking his stare at the guy.

"would it matter if he is?" T followed.

"of course, it does. i don't want to get myself smacked on the face after making the first move--- thats every gay guys hook up dilemna."

"but isn't that what gay guys after--- straight men?" R reacted.

i tried hard not to laugh. then thats the time i felt that the conversation is becoming very interesting and we will be extending our lunch.

"where are you from? still stuck in the 80s?" P reacted.

"gay guys can only go with straight men if there is money involve, at least that is how it was from how they’ve portrayed it in the movies," T followed.

"wait... so you mean, if a straight guy sleeps (with all the word connotes) with a gay guy with no money involves, he is no longer straight?" it was R.

"of course!"

"but what if the guy is just simply horny that time and just need to find something or someone to release it with, wouldn't that at least be an exception?"

"i believe that for sex to be called sex, there should be at least attraction involve to titillate your thing or at least work your drive--- "

the line "opposites attract, similar repel" whispered inside my head.

source

"so if the straight guy was able to have sex with a gay guy, he should be at least attracted to the latter." (T)

"right!" (P)

"so he is no longer straight!" (R)

"yes! because of the law of attraction---" (S)

Again, i repeated the line inside my head while S stated it,

"opposites attract, similar repel."

"at least if we are following the law of attraction, attraction is purely among opposite sex."

then T argued, "how about attraction with the opposite preference?"

now there goes a rebuttal statement. how a subject of differences, drawn out from a similarity, produces an attraction.

“straight curious,” P exclaimed.

R laughed, “theres such a thing?”

“are you really in the same timeline as we are?”

“i guess so.”

everyone laughed.

“but actually sometimes the label is more of a front,”

“for what?”

“market value...”

“what are you chicken?”

“hahaha! you see, in the world where i am at.”

“internet world i supposed,”

“right! hahaha!” P continued, “the more straight looking you are, the higher your market value.”

“so i’m right, gay guys still go after straight men,” R replied.

“theoretically, true. but technically, not really.”

“so how would you know if someone is just saying he’s straight curious for a front?”

“if he already slept with more than one guy and he is still saying he is curious.”--- more laugh.

“is that something absolute?”

“nop, just figured it out on my own.”

“but why do you need to look as straight as possible? and wheres this market?”

yes. sometimes or most of the time, R’s naive-ness is really beyond normal comprehension.

“its somewhere in the wet area of nepa-q mart. Just try asking the porters outside for directions.”

We all laughed.

“actually, i remember another gay friend who explained to me that he prefers looking straight and having another straight looking as a partner, makes them hidden from other people’s judgment.”

“yeah, make sense.”

everyone agreed even R got the idea.

“so wheres that cutie again?” S broke the silence.

“he’s gone!” R replied.

“tsss! sayang! who started this conversation ba kasi? kainis!”

hahahaha!

believe it or not, i didn’t say a single word from this conversation. i just realized, sometimes, it’s just fun to listen. set aside your views and discover what other people have to say.

seriously, i never really expected my officemates to have this kind of conversation. probably, i underestimated them. but yes, probably that is the wonder of not expecting to much from someone, they just surprise you.

source

s,t, r, p and i came from different schools and courses; different family background and interests; hence, different views, ideologies and opinions. most of the time, we are only binded with topics regarding work. after lunch that day, i just realize that regardless of differences the openness and diversity of such issue have gradually found its place on our life thoughts---

just because of random conversations like this and if only people will just start to listen.

dilemma

A and I decided to meet in glorietta at 7pm last saturday. i just came out from work while she came from the gym and we thought of pigging out in dads afterwards.

A is one the closest clients i had for a project. as unprofessional as it may sound, unexplainably, we were able to transgress our working relationship outside of business.

she is a very interesting woman. she has this weird fascination with lace and loves wearing them on her hair, stitched it on her dress and even make it as a bracelet and accessories. and regardless, how disconnected they were with her pink gym rubber shoes that day, she still chose to wear it. indeed, she is weird. but i like calling her unique. even her work is unique. well, she happens to be the only woman doing her job in the country. and no, she is not dra. fortun.

on our third plate, i called for a tummy break. darn! we weren't even on the dessert part yet. then i wondered,

"A, why haven't you settled down yet?"

oh no, did i just think it out loud? good thing she didn't take it personally.

"actually, i am not sure. i just can't find him, i guess. why did you ask?"

"mmm... just curious."

she is already on her 30s but looks way younger. she is pleasantly unique and good looking, intelligent, witty and funny. she confessed over one of our past dinners that she haven't had any serious relationships nor went back to the dating scene since she broke up with her last boyfriend years back.

"so who are you often with?"

then she started saying guy names. there i figured,

"all gay men i supposed?"

surprised, she asked, "how did you know?"

" well other than the times you keep on answering me with, 'WIT!' as 'NO' and asking me, "bakirt?" for "bakit?" is already a give away but realizing that you are still single and often hang out with gay guys actually made a lot of sense."

* * *

then i remember, a close friend, a self-confess hardcore fag hag.

"im convinced! i want to be a man in my next life."

"why? giving up in finding mr. right?"

"actually, it is the very reason why i want to be reincarnated as a man. i just find it easier for gay men to find a relationship."

"but have you ever thought how long these relationships last?"

"it doesn't matter! it is better to challenge yourself rather than just wait and witness life chances pass you by."

she actually made a point.

* * *

"i enjoy their company after my best friend introduce me to their circle," A explained.

"let me guess, is he your male best friend from college, who you fell in love with before you knew he was gay."

she laughed with embarrassment, "and the worst part of it, was i cried and blamed him for not telling me because i already have too much emotional investment and expectations on him."

we both laughed.

"imagine, when he introduced me to his secret circle in one of their parties. all good looking men that you will never have a hunch they were gay. i was just laughing the entire time. even came to the point that i end up sleeping in between them on a king-size bed that night and realize at the end that it was the safest place in the world. who needs a boyfriend if you have an entire crowd, right?"

"i think, you just don't know anymore."

"uhm. so are you playing fortune teller now? don't know what?"

"hahaha. you just don't know how to handle men anymore. i mean heterosexual men"

from there, i just noticed her turn red.

"perhaps, i just find straight men boring these days and difficult in keeping a good conversation with."

"OR you just can't stop comparing them with your gay friends."

silence.

"are you open with the idea of being single your entire life?" i was starting to be straight forward at that point.

"i think so."

"but do you still hope of having a family of your own?"

"of course!"

"A, I am not suggesting you detach yourself with your gay friends because i perfectly understand how you enjoy being with them but i guess, for the hope of you having a family, it will be best for you to prioritize."

"what do you mean?"

"lets say after this dinner, you received a text from that good looking new office mate of yours, inviting you for a coffee and then seconds after, you also receive an invitation from your best friend saying his throwing another house party. who will you say yes?"

another brief silence.

"i guess, i know what you mean. it just feels like im facing this dilemma and the only way out is to always go back to where i feel i am comfortable with."

"well, i guess, that's an innate response."

in the perception of some girls, particularly fag hags, gay guys are the epitome of a perfect man. they believe, most gay guys are smart, intelligent, possess remarkable sense of humor, emotional, thoughtful and most importantly, very sensitive and empathic. and if extremely lucky, they can also be really good looking and at the same time physically fit compare to other heterosexual men.

unfortunately though, they knew, being perfect is next to being impossible--- simply because of preference. while some are just believers. they believe that there is that hope that they can turn a gay guy (they like) straight then eventually end up crying but becoming the best of friends at the end.

i guess, i just find A a catch. a treasure that most men fail or miss to turn as of the moment. she may be unique on her own way but i believe that she can be the best other half for someone who is also looking for a lifetime partner.

funny what A told me before we called it a night. how she would love to be reincarnated as a gay guy too just to find mr. right easier (when i was just about to tell her that story of my close girlfriend).

if she only knew.

hey, did we just confirm a sign here or what? :)

exploring FREEdom

it will always be there. the rag of horses galloping inside my chest drawn by uncertainties. but the unfamiliar scent of the boarding area i took that day made me realize how different it was from the other lane i usually take.

the departure area was way more silent; almost barely empty; as if it was indeed a living machine brewing loneliness and griming farewells. i can just imagine how many people cried in this sea of waiting and lonely benches. while the lane at the other side was full of people excited to be reunited. honestly, being inside the departure area, didn't really help me with the fact that i will be going out of the country alone and for the first time.

the three hour flight was spent mostly of reading the same magazine (i've been reading in that airline for almost two months that time); writing mental notes and itineraries, practicing some commonly used local phrases and convincing myself that everything will be alright as long as my sense of direction will not fail me, that i know how to read and i have enough money in my pocket.

so as soon as the captain welcomed us to Suvarnabhumi Airport , i knew its wanderer mode on. so the first thing i did was to exchange my money to the local currency; buy a local sim card since our receptionist forgot to activate the roaming service of my line; and find a local map.

but never did i imagine that i will be welcomed by an immediate challenge.

looking my way out, the sign boards and maps made me felt like i was a five year old kid again just staring and figuring out what those doodles meant. so i thought of asking for directions instead.

from the airport, my plan was to get to khao-san road, where most of my friends recommended me to go because of cheap accommodation. just to realize later that its recommendable if you are coming from bangkok airport and not from Suvarnabhumi, which is like 2 hours away from khao-san during non-rush hours.

nonetheless, i politely approached and asked a man who was waiting for the shuttle service.

"sewasdi!" the first word i learned. the man warmly smiled, bowed his head while both palms are together. unlike here in the philippines, people in thais are more welcoming to people who looks like them.

pretty cool and nice, i thought.

but the moment i asked, "would you know how can i get to khao-san road from here?" his warm face turned into something that resembles into fear. he immediately waived his hand as a sign of rejection and immediately just move away from me.

what did i say wrong? is khao-san road a very dangerous place? and prohibited in this country to be talked about? did my friends just throw another prank at me?

that incident made me a bit paranoid. it felt as if i missed out something in the picture. it took me another thirty minutes just sitting on one of the airport's benches to come up with another strategy. luckily, i was able to spot a tourist assistance center. for travellers visiting thailand, these centers are friends!

the receptionist told me that there is no direct route going to khao-san from that airport and just take a cab from there.

but i told her, no cabs (still brave enough to keep up in challenging myself) and will just take local transportation.

she smiled and told me to take the shuttle service going to the bus terminal and from there take another ride going to this place and then i just totally did not understand what she said next. so i just did what i understood. i bravely took the shuttle service passing the airport and just told myself to drop off where the bulk of people are dropping off. luckily, the strategy worked. i reached the bus terminal and immediately looked for the bus going to khao san road. unfortunately, the ticketing officer told me that there was no bus trip going to khao san that day and asked me to ride another bus which was later on objected by one of the dispatcher. and the story got more complicated and complicated. regardless, he told me to take a van ride going to victory monument. so again, i did what i was told and understood--- the last.

there are a lot of backpackers during that time, august. since most of the schools abroad are on summer vacation and classes resume by september. i met a lot of backpackers along my trip.

probably the rule of backpacking is always accommodate questions when you know the answer because almost everyone pays it forward and they know the dilemma one traveller faces in each trips.

on my way to victory monument, i met two korean girls who just came from another backpacking trip in indonesia and headed to the same route i am going. though difficult in communicating in english, there were sweet enough to give me tips on how to go by bangkok.

we bid goodbyes when we reached victory monument. the place at 7 in the evening is like cubao. buses were everywhere. crowd are coming from different directions. and even the people's faces were almost the same faces you don't seem to notice whenever you commute.

it was already 8:30 in the evening and i still cannot locate the bus number, the korean girls told me to take going to khao-san. actually, the moment i started reading and locating the bus numbers on each of the waiting sheds i passed, i kinda forgot the bus number they told me to take.

but im pretty sure it was 18. so when i finally found it, i immediately jumped on a bus number 18 and find myself the nearest empty seat. the bus conductor was holding like a piece of bamboo where in all the coins and tickets were place. i told her, "khao san." as i expected, she asked me again. i repeated. then suddenly a man sitting in front of me, waived the same hand gesture as the man from the airport gave at me. i am now really developing this fear of talking about khao-san. the man talked to driver in thai then informed me that i took the wrong bus. he instructed the driver to drop me off to the nearest waiting shed and advise to take bus number 32. i felt a bit relieved.

the moment i stood up, i bowed at him, made the amen gesture and said, "kub kun kup." just to realize eventually that "kub kun kup" is thank you when refering to girls. it should have been "kub kun krap" since i am thanking a man.

it was total a disaster believe but all i can do that was to laugh at at myself the entire time. it was already 9:30 in the evening. so that will be 10:30 in manila since the latter is an hour ahead. it was really a long day and all i can think of is just to get a hotel and sleep the entire night. i figured, i just have to give up and hail a cab. so i tried. surprisingly, i noticed that it seemed like all the cab that pass by happened to have someone seated in the passenger seat. then i remembered, vehicles here are right-wheel drives! argh!

so already desperate, i hailed a tuktuk instead though i know they are far more expensive than taxis. eventually, we agreed with the amount and headed to khao san road.

to be continued.

one stormy night

this was supposed to be last week and i know its been a while since i last posted an entry. and the topics to be written are adding to the piles of papers and post-its on my desk. but i promise, once i pull this project out, i'll get back to serious (?) writing again.

and in relation with, yj's post, i just wanted to post this video for a friend, kilala mo na kung sino ka!

haaay kahihiyan ito! hahaha! but goodluck sa akin este sa amin!

but wait! there's more! hahaha!

ikaw na lang ang kulang sa cast na ito... basta ako si mikee... bahala na kayo kung sino si donna at regine. hahaha!

mahal ka namin at ikaw ay special (special child! hahaha!) tandaan mo yan!

*TANG ENA this SHIT! ang mushy!*

then smile! hehehe

minsan, nakakapagod lang talaga mag reach out at ipa-feel sa iyo ang gusto mo mafeel. o siguro tumatanda na lang talaga tayong lahat! nagmamature investments tulad nila dabo, nagmamature priorities sa work at lablayf tulad ni mugen at xtian! at higit sa lahat nag mamature immaturities (hindi na lang ako magcocomment dito)! hahaha!

kitams! handa kaming magfalsetto at magsocial suicide para sa iyo! hahahaha!

kung ang july ay "topak month" para sa atin, we'll make sure ang august will be "our month." so huwag ka nang magpasuyo, halika na! mag spontaneous night ulit tayo!

bisitahin ulit natin ang midnight safari sa quezon city, mag foodtrip sa pinakamaruruming lugar sa manila, o di kaya magpa-blueballs sa tagaytay! hehehe!

we love you! mwah!

*teka, international friendship month ba ngayon?! hehehe

peter pan's shadow

youth is like a drug, that can sometimes be addicting and rebellious.

but it is not anchored upon any numbers or experiences. it is popularly determined by one's notion of idealism; trying to break traditions but at the same time, driven by carelessness.

several nights back, i heard my window rustled as cool breeze trespassed my room. the presence was overwhelming. it felt as if it was full of ideas and very determined to playfully outwit fate. it presented itself normless and drove my hormones into the corners they seldom venture.

source

but as we blossomed passion in thin air, i secretly found out something it kept for the world not to discover--- a shadow full of fear that was driven by uncertainty.

suddenly the image took the form of a kid. a child, who is also scared of tripping and getting hurt. definitely pretentious that it kept me wondering, how many times it cried? how many times it felt so helpless? and the number of times it promised itself never to feel that same feeling again?

then at the break of a rare chirpless dawn, while i was trying to gather my consciousness, the image vanished with a promise of coming back. but i asked myself, how can someone promise returning if s/he is even scared of a hard fall? how can someone soar high if s/he is too afraid at looking below?

suddenly, from the corner of my room, i heard a soft and mellow cry. and as the image arose, i realized that pages of a book was actually unfolding in front of me. it seemed like, in deed, another shadow decided to leave from its peter pan.

it slowly approached me, wondering if it could trust a conversation. so i took the queue. and from there, i completely understood.

source

if there is one thing i've realized from all the experiences i had, that is risk may take all forms. but its in its uncertainty that leads life to its actual destination. it may never be a wonderland at the end but it would definitely be something worth living for. no one really said that being young assures us of not getting hurt. in fact, it is actually on that condition that leave us most vulnerable. hence, never be scared of falling because it is on that dive where the real life starts.

its never bad to be a peter pan. to soar life with all its heights. but one should later realized peter pan is only a product of our own delusions, that our youth will never betray us. because at the end, we are all like wendy, michael and john, who will be just old characters, watching as another sets of youth take their chance of realizing how is it to be young.

kilig

i'm 25...

and i recognize the fact that i am at that point of my life, where i thought puberty had already passed just to wake up one day, being swept away by a larger hormonal tide.

i remember what T once told me over those rare coffee table moments that we are beginning to lose lately,

"there will always be those times when you will just realize that your urges will be stronger than your rationals and morals; and there will no other way but to give in. for the smarter you are, the stronger your urge will be."

in a way, his words struck me and from that point, i am always reminded with it every time i go elsewhere.

there will be those nights when the heed needs a response and all i can do is just surrender.

like any first, the fear and anticipation drive anyone insane. not to mention those inner ghosts that would annoyingly nag and constantly remind you. but i guess, there is indeed no clear answer for anyone who only lives among the mirage of his assumptions.

but i never thought, twitter-pat could also be that treacherous.

a time traveler's letter

dear jeff,

honestly, i really dont know how to start this for i am not fond of writing letters like you do. for i know its rare for someone to send you a letter too. not to mention the fact, that this maybe the weirdest letter you will ever received to date.

i know that by this time, you are wondering who i am? how did this letter get to you or how did i know these things?

but as crazy as it may sound, i want you to know that i am YOU--- 11 years from the time you are reading this. in short, im writing you (myself) from the future. but before you go ballistic and hysterical or think that this maybe one of those crazy prick your classmates usually throw at you, i want you to hear me out first.

i know that you are going through a very difficult time right now. i know its difficult because you always keep it by yourself. you always tend to handle it by your own. but i want you to realize that its normal. thats what teacher sandy in your grade 5, T.H.E. class is telling you about--- puberty. you should have listen more to her rather than thinking of what cartoon character you're gonna draw that day.

puberty is tough. its like a snake shedding its skin for the first time. confused and anxious. always thinking of what s/he will become just to realize that at the end of the day s/he is just the same. s/he just grew bigger and wiser in order to survive another day.

i know you have good friends who are always there for you. so never hesitate to open up to them. if in case, anything change and they started moving away, just brush it off. for i am telling you, you will meet more acceptable friends along the way, the ones that will always be there for you through thick and thin.

do not also try to think about things too much. its not that i am telling you to completely shut your system down and move purely by your instincts. you just have to loosen up a little. everyone is entitled to commit mistakes because its on those mistakes that you become a better person. you might have probably be wondering now, what you will be reading after these, but its beyond the point.

you will do a number of stupid things on the days ahead. but by knowing this, never try to stop yourself. i want you to enjoy its superficial and temporary happiness then linger on what it seems to be its endless pain afterwards. i want you to experience all of these for i want you to know that i never regretted a single stupid thing that you have done and will do. because it is on those acts that i became stronger and wiser.

do not let yourself be defined by just one big incident. i want you to remember that despite life being one big incident, its still composed of small (good and bad) incidences and it will always up to you on what small incidences you want to fill it in.

hhmmm.. by this time i know you are already convinced and knowing you, you have probably just skimmed all the things that i've said above and just immediately jump into something about love, right?! hahaha!

im not gonna say that im committed as of the moment because that will be lying. and what is the sense of writing you from the future if i going to lie. but you don't have to worry, you will be fine. you will have a relatively deeper sense of love out from the relationships you will have, which some may neither understand nor appreciate. but this will equip you for your journey to finding that true love. fine! i admit you'll also gonna be a mushy lad in denial. probably because of some friends you'll gonna meet that i think it will be best not mentioning.

source

you see. its a big crazy world out here, my self. you have no idea. so do not rush, take your time. life may be full of uncertainty but remember that its on those uncertainties that will keep you going-- that will make you strive more. so whenever there will be days that you feel empty and lonely, just sketch what you feel and always remind yourself with these things i told you.

and NO! i am not gonna say how many partners you'll have. you have to find it out by yourself. hahahaha!

sex is not the only thing that you should look forward to when you reach your legal age. besides, you will lose your virginity even before you hit 18. alright, i think im saying too much now.

im sorry for being straight forward but i bet you will also be surprised on how i manage to get here--- being me now. and don't worry about your morals. there are still intact. im taking good care of it, at least from the last time i checked. but just in case, if this letter somehow moved you, please, remind yourself that your "future you," was also a bit late in accepting the fact, that he also has to loosen up and realize that setting his pride aside can also do him good sometimes. and that he should also realize that he should stop fighting himself; that somewhere in one's life, regardless how wise one claims to be, his/her libido will always be smarter in overcoming his/her rational. its just a matter of how you own such responsibility.

nonetheless, please remember that regardless how depressing life maybe, sometimes, never chase for happiness. try lessening your expectations. so you will never get frustrated. try embracing contentment but always challenge yourself with everything that you do. life is so short for regrets and depression. just enjoy riding the tide but at the same time, be wise in deciding where to start and stop. never limit yourself and always keep an open mind. try to talk more especially to those whose voice are unheard because its in their life stories where the real gems are.

source

4 years from today, you will be opening up a blog. yes, a blog. an online journal, where you will try to collate all your thoughts in english. do i have to repeat that again? hahaha!

so do not be scared on venturing to another skill other than sketching. you will learn a lot of things there and know a number of friends that will mold the person who is telling you all of these right now.

your future self,

ewik

*right! somewhere after graduating highschool you will then decide to live with your second name as a sign of a fresh start. again, best of luck!

temporary

it was so surreal.

never did i imagine myself getting caught in the same scene.

as C pulled up the blanket and curled to slumber. i stood up, pulled a stick and rest my back on the headboard. funny how the cigarette fume restores one's rationality and pulls back a raging tide of realization. and just like lying on the shore, its drowning once it hits you. then you're awaken, questioning every inch and angle of what you have done. until you finally start questioning even yourself. making you promise. although you know, deep down in you, that you are just making yourself to believe.

its just tough to decipher what is reality from fantasy now, especially if your clouted with frustrations and depressions. and did i mention desperation too?

i guess, this is the problem if you have so much options, that we always wished when we were little, without realizing that in achieving so we always tend to miss the best among the crop. by best meaning, the one you genuinely wanted. but who said, contentment is easy to find? isn't that what keep us all going?

oh, don't you just hate those dialogues you usually come up in your head? but surprisingly, i have been craving for nightmares lately. those types of dreams that wakes you up in the middle of the night with cold sweat. too heavy that leaves you paralyzed and makes you shed a tear. because it is during those rare moments that i can hear those long lost chest beats--- again.

as i felt the heat crawling close to my lips, i looked for a tray and killed another fixation. then i took a deep breathe and told myself,

" 'til the next urge."

i left the room, without turning off the light. i turned around and made a last glimpse of those silent cheeks and now, calm lips. so this is the feeling after all--- of everything being temporary.

surprisingly, it would always be our last since i really have to move on. but this time, beyond my own volition.

source

wish stick

tonight, as the harsh cool night breeze escapes to my window, i find myself staring at my monitor screen again. reading my thesis, which is a week pass its deadline, for the hundredth time. and all i could do, was just to patiently wait for the right words to come.

i decided to take a break for the warning of an upcoming headache is at sight. i took a box out from my resting bag, opened it up and saw a couple of cigarette sticks. my brain already developed dependence to the dizziness a puff brings. i wonder, until where it can bring me tonight.

behind my cabinet were piles of fresh clothes neatly stacked and just like me, they too, were also waiting.

i lit my first cigarette and took a deep sip. but for some reasons, flashbacks instantly flew like pages of the already staled book in front of me.

i remembered the very first stick i had almost a decade ago. it was the sweetest stick i ever had, no wonder i still could not drop the vice until now. or perhaps, it was more than that.

perhaps its the search of having the same experience again. the thrill and excitement of not getting caught and called a newbie; pressured by new peers in an entirely different place. trying to be cool, pretending i am not.

unfortunately, when i was already in the group, it was already too late. i was completely caught tangled with it. i just hate when i am not in control, especially of something that pertain to myself. i guess there is no longer any way now, but to claim it. nonetheless, i am still hopeful that someday i will surpass this--- that i will totally overcome this addiction.

when i felt the heat crawling near my lips, i forcefully smashed the dying flame on the ash tray as if holding the very stick responsible for me, losing my own control. but then i took the box again and saw my last. i laughed at myself, realizing it was actually a wish stick. i laughed because of the realization that i am almost a decade smoker but i am still doing the same routine: still believing that i am entitled with something before finishing a pack.

honestly, i already lost count of how many wish sticks i had and how many wishes i had said. but if there is something that i am certain about, it is the fact that i have been saying the same wish for myself (other than whats for my parents and close friends) over and over again.

a couple of years back, i used to ask my friends or someone i knew, how it feels like to be 25? what did they do during that time? or what they should have done during that age?

but for some reason they would always give me that strange look and awkward answer. basically, they would always say its irrelevant and insignificant to who they are now, that its just the same, nothing really special.

but i remained unsatisfied with their answers. probably because, i just couldn't stop myself from escaping the realization that i am already nearing that corner of my life; that i am always in competition with time; and that i would be stuck with my own uncertainties and unfulfillable decisions of staying in a profession that i really do not like nor imagined myself for the rest of my life.

at the age of 23, i was already torturing myself with these kinds of life dilemmas. instead of enjoying things as they come and go, like i would always tell myself, i tend to wonder with the things that are miles ahead of me, otherwise. i guess, thats what the film boy culture meant, its difficult to live this kind of life for you think like you are already 40 even though you are just 14. but how can you blame them or me, if fear, in its full bloom, is (still) lurking around our presence.

last july, i just turned 25, still unemployed but blessed with a supportive family and circles of friends, ever understanding and supportive. nonetheless, i knew that it was still not enough. thus, i was then determined to take the risk, to change and make this something special. so without even thinking, i signed a job offer that is way more than what i used to earn despite my pending debts, due bills and even my rent.

suddenly my phone rang again. i answered it and heard a familiar voice.

"prepare your things. we have already booked you a flight. you are going to bicol." then the line dropped.

in an instant, i opened my email, printed my ticket and copies of my tasks. closed my laptop, approached the neatly stacks of fresh clothes behind my closet and put them inside my sack. i went out and hailed an approaching cab. then on my way to the airport, i felt a very uncomfortable thing bulging inside my pocket. i took it out, found the same cigarette box and saw my waiting wish stick inside. for a second, i caught myself staring at it. flashbacks instantly flew again. but in my surprise, i slowly closed it, put it aside and told myself,

it had to wait. i still have to come up with a new wish.