hating this part of the day

they say, its okay to commit mistake and to get hurt out of it. because in experiencing so, we learn and become a better person. but its funny how some of us keep on doing the same mistake and lingering on the same pain even though we already know where the same old road leads--- a dead end.

are we just plain hopefuls, believing that in striving and repeating it over and over again, we can correct thise mistake? or are we just fed up with the same circles that we are already trying to numb ourselves and suck up our fate?

it is not the first time, a friend told me he got broken hearted; that he fell for someone whom he had slept with; that despite of our hundred conversations about the boundaries of love and sex, he still falls for it--- he still gets hurt.

source

it is like a violent game, where everyone is trying to defend themselves but trying to have fun at the same time. we chase each other, feed each other with pretensions and images for the other to bite the bait. we feast the price. then we drop him/her off before s/he drops us. its ridiculously vicious but its reality, at least on this side of the fence.
some call it being jaded while others call it self preservation.
but the real questions are, when is it going to stop? and when will settling in sinks in?
is it when time drains our youth? is it when desperation starts knocking on our door? or is it when we finally meet our most painful heartbreak?
i want to believe that we should not stop people from making mistakes, from getting hurt and from enjoying what he can but should not do because as raised earlier, it is where we learn and becomes a better person.
but whenever i see, hear and feel people dear to me, crying all his hopes out, i couldn't stop myself from thinking, is this really what they deserve from not or resisting what reality is teaching?
but then again, i realize, how do we actually define mistakes? what if this is just another product of another or larger mistakes? how will we larn and how will we handle it?

argh.

there are just too many questions and despite the urgency of answers, what really matters is our own individual calls.

poll dancing

i know, what you are thinking.

kung bakit kaya kami magkaibigan ng lalaki ito?

kung bakit ang tulad kong laking kumbento-slash-adoration chapel-na nagshoshower sa aqua bendita at nagbrebreakfast ng ostia ay nagsasama sa lalaking pinaglihi sa mga no entrance fee na kasa?

kung bakit ako na so prim and proper ay nakakatagal sa isang sexual ogre?





ang sagot...





kasi





WE CAN... (ang labo ng punchline. halatang gusto lang manlait! nyahahaha).


and since today is a special day...


may poll question kami!




... TAMA!!!



HAMPEY BEWTDEY KOYA DABO!!!

rant

i believe its a common dream for everyone to say in his dying day that he have lived his life the way he really wanted it to be; with fulfillment sliding inside his pocket and mistakes wrapped around happiness and tied without regrets.
after almost a year, i finally saw myself walking along the still sleeping streets of ortigas, with the fresh ray of sun glistening on my face and soft morning breeze greeting my long dreamed corporate attire. i almost lost all hopes for this time to come. very thrilled and delighted, i was really looking forward of what the day have stored for me.
but i guess, the past is something that will not easily let you go. if only i have learned this sooner i should have wondered why its too easy to get in. then perhaps i would have realized the difficulty of going out.
i feel fear whenever i see myself on each tiring face that passes me, heading towards the opposite direction. while calming and telling myself that i will no longer take the same route again.
though it was not really something that i want to do for the rest of my life, atleast i want to believe that it was the next door to that.
until one day, i was woke up by the alarm of my cellphone. the name of my supervisor appeared above the message, telling me its time to wake up from this dream. that the past was not exactly my past rather it was a blot of a sheer possibility that it was my actually my fate to do this for the rest of my life.
i have never asked so much for myself. all i really wanted was to do something not exactly what i want but something that will atleast fill my contentment and give me a sense of my being.
some say just smile. for i have just reached the time of my life, where i have to choose of what path to take. unfortunately, i was born in a country, where options are not as vast as others. no wonder we are set to believe that options tend to complicate life more, to be (under) contended and that its always noble to leave.
but honestly, i have already reached the point, where the question what do i i really want to do in life became very very tiring and paralyzing at the same time. seriously, i would not regret missing half of my life if i would fast track my life five to ten years from now. i just want to do this and go over with it--- or perhaps this is just my frustration talking.
with these thoughts still haunting me, i decided to take a walk. hoping a heartful lunch will calm the turbulence and turmoil i was feeling inside. then i passed by this huge house right across the corner street. infront were two adorable dogs: a pomeranian in full coat running in circles inside a huge steel cage and a proud rottweiler with a leash tied around his neck. both of them were looking at the same direction, restless. so out of curiosity, i traced the direction where they were looking at, wondering what it was. then in my surprise it was another dog. a thin, dirty stray dog, sniffing for small hopes that will satiate his hunger.
from there i saw myself questioning again, who do i prefer the dogs whose master treats them well in exchange of their freedom or the stray dog who enjoys his liberty but scavenge for pity to buy him more time?



i know, decisions are always tough.

*i hate growing up. i hate adult life.

gold dig

"i am a gold digger".

for a second, i caught myself dumbfounded with what expression to put. perhaps it was just a bit surprising hearing someone bravely admitting it. or i guess we are just reading an entirely different dictionary.

T entered the room with a very hard and round chests infront of his parade. his body hugging shirt was generous enough to reveal his well toned tummy. T was too difficult to miss. With a smile that was just an inch away from his earlobes, the light just instantly moved away from the supervisor in front, to him.

then he greeted us. silent sighs roared inside the room. all speculations were then finally affirmed. there were those who rejoiced while others lamented. nonetheless, T's wit was just enough to stumble down a crowd. T was just ridiculously charming.

lunch came, A and I decided to hit a nearby canteen. in our surprise, T approached our table and sat infront of us. a conversation was made, mostly about compliments.

silence.

"i am a gold digger. obviously, i have a boyfriend and he is almost two decades older than me. we love each other so much. ang upon saying, i am hoping in the deepest of your hearts that you will believe me when i say i really love him. so we can now be friends."

youth is an innate capital. while some dwell into experiences and knowledge to appraise its worth, others choose for its immediate returns.

i believe no one can really impose on how to utilize it. it is basically an individual call. some end victorious while others are just too regretful to mind it again.

"you don't need to say that. do you smoke?"

T nodded.

we stood up from our seats and went outside. then handed them my open pack.

manang yosi

there she was, beneath the post shade, deeper than where the shadows reside

people pass her by as if she's the ghost

whose feet touch the ground
no one knew her name

or perhaps because no one really dared to ask

the lines across her face, draw pity all over her soul

though the color of her hair made her divine
i wonder where she is from?

who she was?

and why?

for her age, she should have been dying

with her grandchildren's embrace

while her sons and daughters

should have been lavishing her with gratitude
but there she was,

covering herself

with a thin plastic sheet, she calls home

weeping as loneliness makes her a stranger to words

while smile forgotten her lips
i wonder how she struggle everyday

what she wonders when she looks at time

as it flies infront of her

i wonder what scares her

i wonder if there is more scarier than this

now, i recall how funny those sticks of cigarettes

cost mewhile it buys her time to wrap her memories

funny how i spend all my luxurywhile she already surrendered herself

to hopelessness and misery
remembering her made me realize life's uncertainties

with the need to enjoy it by the moment

but never being too reluctant with opportunities

if only i could thank her today

mr. what-is-love?

*kanina bigla ko naalala may email address pala ako na wanderingcommuter@live.com. i opened it up and huwala... ayan sila! then i thought since wala pa din naman akong maisulat at gusto ko ding makiuso... i decided to try this one. nyahahaha!

i know this would come as a surprise to you

me sending an email to you

ive read your post and would like to ask,

ano nga ba ang love?

yeah, this would sound silly, kaya nga i took some courage to email you sir.

actually, alam mo ba, tinamaan ako dito sa mga lines na ito

"some say, you have to be rigorous and never lose hope in finding him/her. thus, one put him/herself in this what seemed to be an endless pile of date buffet. doing ocular inspections, sorting out the enticing, interesting and attracting one from the nots. then try if it will suit one's pallete and if it will even last.

while some argues that you just have to wait for that invisible hand or that wheel of fate to place it infront of you.

but personally, i would rather go with the former rather than depening on the latter and miss and regret something that i haven't done a thing. you see, i want to believe that i could be so clueless and insensitive sometimes--- alright, make it most of the time..."

madami na rin ang nagsabi sa akin na the right one would come (after all the failures in the love department), pero i believe wala namang masama kung magsearch di ba? sana nga in time all of us would get to find that person na sinasabi nilang 'kapartner' natin...hopefully, id get to find my own eros in the right time

***

well, there is actually no exact formula nor definition for love (as cliche as it may sound). because if it has then love would no longer love. i believe love is a universal concept but with limitless definitions depening and varying from who will actually define it.

i guess, some are just lucky enough to find what they are looking for. while others find theres without even looking at all. personally, i find it way better if you try to love yourself first. know who you really are, what you really like and what you are capable of and worth.

most of the time its not really our appearance that matters to people since physical impressions are just as lasting as passing chocolate drizzle. its actually how you build yourself and carry it to others that makes them attracted to you. but you have to do it as subtle as possible, to avoid getting the impression your flaunting it or pushing yourself too much to other people.

think of it as a game, a hunt where the prey will never feel they are being hunted and you as a hunter that no one will even know.

but if all things fail, just always remember that if that person comes and its worth the wait, then you just have to bear it at least for now.

bow!