i believe its a common dream for everyone to say in his dying day that he have lived his life the way he really wanted it to be; with fulfillment sliding inside his pocket and mistakes wrapped around happiness and tied without regrets.
after almost a year, i finally saw myself walking along the still sleeping streets of ortigas, with the fresh ray of sun glistening on my face and soft morning breeze greeting my long dreamed corporate attire. i almost lost all hopes for this time to come. very thrilled and delighted, i was really looking forward of what the day have stored for me.
but i guess, the past is something that will not easily let you go. if only i have learned this sooner i should have wondered why its too easy to get in. then perhaps i would have realized the difficulty of going out.
i feel fear whenever i see myself on each tiring face that passes me, heading towards the opposite direction. while calming and telling myself that i will no longer take the same route again.
though it was not really something that i want to do for the rest of my life, atleast i want to believe that it was the next door to that.
until one day, i was woke up by the alarm of my cellphone. the name of my supervisor appeared above the message, telling me its time to wake up from this dream. that the past was not exactly my past rather it was a blot of a sheer possibility that it was my actually my fate to do this for the rest of my life.
i have never asked so much for myself. all i really wanted was to do something not exactly what i want but something that will atleast fill my contentment and give me a sense of my being.
some say just smile. for i have just reached the time of my life, where i have to choose of what path to take. unfortunately, i was born in a country, where options are not as vast as others. no wonder we are set to believe that options tend to complicate life more, to be (under) contended and that its always noble to leave.
but honestly, i have already reached the point, where the question what do i i really want to do in life became very very tiring and paralyzing at the same time. seriously, i would not regret missing half of my life if i would fast track my life five to ten years from now. i just want to do this and go over with it--- or perhaps this is just my frustration talking.
with these thoughts still haunting me, i decided to take a walk. hoping a heartful lunch will calm the turbulence and turmoil i was feeling inside. then i passed by this huge house right across the corner street. infront were two adorable dogs: a pomeranian in full coat running in circles inside a huge steel cage and a proud rottweiler with a leash tied around his neck. both of them were looking at the same direction, restless. so out of curiosity, i traced the direction where they were looking at, wondering what it was. then in my surprise it was another dog. a thin, dirty stray dog, sniffing for small hopes that will satiate his hunger.
from there i saw myself questioning again, who do i prefer the dogs whose master treats them well in exchange of their freedom or the stray dog who enjoys his liberty but scavenge for pity to buy him more time?
i know, decisions are always tough.
*i hate growing up. i hate adult life.