when L came

we all heard of rape. the most common being experienced by women. we also have heard and read about rape among men. the most controversial being among prisoners and POWs. in fact, someone reading this may also be a victim of rape one way or another.

a couple of weeks ago, i received an email from a friend who i have not heard for ages.

it was L and he came out to me on his message.

although the confession was not a surprised. i emailed him back, telling him what i felt. i was happy and proud of what he did. after sometime my phone rung. it was L.

i answered it and heard a trembling voice.

"i haven't told my family yet."

"don't worry it takes time. someday you'll just gain that courage to tell them. and everything will be just fine."

"i just wish its easier said than done, ewik. but honestly, i don't think i will ever have that courage because if i did, i should have already used it to tell it to my family by now.

...

i already reached my quota in disappointing my parents. and i really could not take seeing them getting frustrated again."

then L broke down.

it was the most torturing sound ive ever heard. a dying struggle between someone who is trying to be strong but at the same time on the verge of surrendering. it was just too much to bear.

"whats the problem," i asked.

"i just wish i can overcome all these. im trying to be strong, ewik. i really am."

it was just then when L told me everything.

several months after L's break up, he never really thought he can still go by loving someone like his former. he never came out from his place. he cut his communication from almost everyone he knew and cares about him.

but he is an introvert. so his parents never really got bothered about it.

there were times when hope visited L and accompanied him in his attempt to win back his former. but it seemed like promises, like a fruit, also wait for the picking.

the attempt made him at his worst and it took months to recover. almost a year to be a bit precise until a message from a site he started visiting gave him the spark for a new promise of hope, once again.

they started texting and calling. though despite the differences, the hope made it as if it was perfect--- it complimented, to quote him.

they went out several times and within just a couple of weeks it was already obvious-- the other party was already falling. unfortunately, as much as L wants to believe he feels the same way too, he just can't. but he still made himself hold to that promise.

until constant quarrels, unmanageable differences and demands grew beyond its intended limits, the flame of hope in L eventually died again. however, when he was about to tell that its over, the other party would not just let go.

passion eventually turned into obsession and sweet words became disturbing threats. the guy threatened L that he will expose him to his family, once he broke up with him. what made everything worst was the guy's obsession brought him to L's place, to his parents, family and loved ones--- in short to his life. L was caught off guard. he never thought, not even in his wildest imagination that he will be in that position.

L being an introvert never really had a lot of friends. hence, he never really had the opportunity to enjoy what he really is and what he can be. several negotiation followed but the obsession was way irrational from what he thought it was. there were attempts to plead but he guessed, at this point it was already hopeless.

honestly, it was really difficult for me to hear what he was narrating. i was mad and at the same time, weeping inside. every word was an indescribable agony. i suggested a number of things that i can do. but he refused. L just wanted the guy to get tired and eventually drop him despite the fact that he knows it will not happen anytime soon.

believed that it was everything, i asked him if we could meet the following saturday. but he refused. he told me that he is forced to visit and stay with the guy until the following morning, sunday. the idea of him just staying the night made me sick. eventually, he admitted. he is also forced to do it with him.

i tried not to think he was L, that he was a complete stranger who just wanted someone to listen at him. i tried imagining that he was just another random blogger who was trying to tell his experience. but regardless how i put it, it still felt awful.

"ewik, i have to go now. i am running out of credits and i cannot really afford of losing it. he always get mad whenever it happens. sorry, i am just scared."

i wanted to hug him; show him that he always have a friend who can always be there if he needs one. i wanted to help him with the best effort i can. unfortunately, all i can do and say during that time were:

"goodbye and always take care."

random conversations, attraction and life thoughts

when i was growing up, i was believed that mutual attraction is the union of opposites; a never ending cycle of compliments; a concoction of appreciation and understanding of what lacks or whats different.

source

as one of my grade 5 teachers will always say during her discussion with puberty; boys will always like girls and girls will always like boys. like magnets, opposite attracts and similar repel- thats the law of attraction. Then the year after, i’ve heard she was already handling religion.

when i was in highschool, it became somehow different. but it was only when i reached college, when i finally realized that not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. same goes with not all gays guys only go with straight men and lesbians only go with straight women.

it was just the other day when some officemates and i noticed how P already developed this talent with his lips. discreetly pointing it to someone he finds cute. and being pros on our own fields, we found our own discreet ways and poses just to find his object of attraction. then eventually laugh with each other after realizing how stupid our efforts were.

"go after him," S advised.

"do you think he's gay too? what if hes straight?" P asked while still locking his stare at the guy.

"would it matter if he is?" T followed.

"of course, it does. i don't want to get myself smacked on the face after making the first move--- thats every gay guys hook up dilemna."

"but isn't that what gay guys after--- straight men?" R reacted.

i tried hard not to laugh. then thats the time i felt that the conversation is becoming very interesting and we will be extending our lunch.

"where are you from? still stuck in the 80s?" P reacted.

"gay guys can only go with straight men if there is money involve, at least that is how it was from how they’ve portrayed it in the movies," T followed.

"wait... so you mean, if a straight guy sleeps (with all the word connotes) with a gay guy with no money involves, he is no longer straight?" it was R.

"of course!"

"but what if the guy is just simply horny that time and just need to find something or someone to release it with, wouldn't that at least be an exception?"

"i believe that for sex to be called sex, there should be at least attraction involve to titillate your thing or at least work your drive--- "

the line "opposites attract, similar repel" whispered inside my head.

source

"so if the straight guy was able to have sex with a gay guy, he should be at least attracted to the latter." (T)

"right!" (P)

"so he is no longer straight!" (R)

"yes! because of the law of attraction---" (S)

Again, i repeated the line inside my head while S stated it,

"opposites attract, similar repel."

"at least if we are following the law of attraction, attraction is purely among opposite sex."

then T argued, "how about attraction with the opposite preference?"

now there goes a rebuttal statement. how a subject of differences, drawn out from a similarity, produces an attraction.

“straight curious,” P exclaimed.

R laughed, “theres such a thing?”

“are you really in the same timeline as we are?”

“i guess so.”

everyone laughed.

“but actually sometimes the label is more of a front,”

“for what?”

“market value...”

“what are you chicken?”

“hahaha! you see, in the world where i am at.”

“internet world i supposed,”

“right! hahaha!” P continued, “the more straight looking you are, the higher your market value.”

“so i’m right, gay guys still go after straight men,” R replied.

“theoretically, true. but technically, not really.”

“so how would you know if someone is just saying he’s straight curious for a front?”

“if he already slept with more than one guy and he is still saying he is curious.”--- more laugh.

“is that something absolute?”

“nop, just figured it out on my own.”

“but why do you need to look as straight as possible? and wheres this market?”

yes. sometimes or most of the time, R’s naive-ness is really beyond normal comprehension.

“its somewhere in the wet area of nepa-q mart. Just try asking the porters outside for directions.”

We all laughed.

“actually, i remember another gay friend who explained to me that he prefers looking straight and having another straight looking as a partner, makes them hidden from other people’s judgment.”

“yeah, make sense.”

everyone agreed even R got the idea.

“so wheres that cutie again?” S broke the silence.

“he’s gone!” R replied.

“tsss! sayang! who started this conversation ba kasi? kainis!”

hahahaha!

believe it or not, i didn’t say a single word from this conversation. i just realized, sometimes, it’s just fun to listen. set aside your views and discover what other people have to say.

seriously, i never really expected my officemates to have this kind of conversation. probably, i underestimated them. but yes, probably that is the wonder of not expecting to much from someone, they just surprise you.

source

s,t, r, p and i came from different schools and courses; different family background and interests; hence, different views, ideologies and opinions. most of the time, we are only binded with topics regarding work. after lunch that day, i just realize that regardless of differences the openness and diversity of such issue have gradually found its place on our life thoughts---

just because of random conversations like this and if only people will just start to listen.

introspect

sometimes

the mind whispers more than what

the body can comprehend

two bodies linger on what seem to be

an inconcrete sensation

looking

digging

deeper towards the recesses of memories

the bodies are perfect as usual

exactly, how we imagine

funny how fantasies titillate us

makes us craves

for a hundred fulfilling promises

set us to false journeys

then leave us with a cringing pain

funny

how at the end,

one will realize

it is only ourself who can provide us that reuniting pleasure

--- and only i,

can make myself moan

dilemma

A and I decided to meet in glorietta at 7pm last saturday. i just came out from work while she came from the gym and we thought of pigging out in dads afterwards.

A is one the closest clients i had for a project. as unprofessional as it may sound, unexplainably, we were able to transgress our working relationship outside of business.

she is a very interesting woman. she has this weird fascination with lace and loves wearing them on her hair, stitched it on her dress and even make it as a bracelet and accessories. and regardless, how disconnected they were with her pink gym rubber shoes that day, she still chose to wear it. indeed, she is weird. but i like calling her unique. even her work is unique. well, she happens to be the only woman doing her job in the country. and no, she is not dra. fortun.

on our third plate, i called for a tummy break. darn! we weren't even on the dessert part yet. then i wondered,

"A, why haven't you settled down yet?"

oh no, did i just think it out loud? good thing she didn't take it personally.

"actually, i am not sure. i just can't find him, i guess. why did you ask?"

"mmm... just curious."

she is already on her 30s but looks way younger. she is pleasantly unique and good looking, intelligent, witty and funny. she confessed over one of our past dinners that she haven't had any serious relationships nor went back to the dating scene since she broke up with her last boyfriend years back.

"so who are you often with?"

then she started saying guy names. there i figured,

"all gay men i supposed?"

surprised, she asked, "how did you know?"

" well other than the times you keep on answering me with, 'WIT!' as 'NO' and asking me, "bakirt?" for "bakit?" is already a give away but realizing that you are still single and often hang out with gay guys actually made a lot of sense."

* * *

then i remember, a close friend, a self-confess hardcore fag hag.

"im convinced! i want to be a man in my next life."

"why? giving up in finding mr. right?"

"actually, it is the very reason why i want to be reincarnated as a man. i just find it easier for gay men to find a relationship."

"but have you ever thought how long these relationships last?"

"it doesn't matter! it is better to challenge yourself rather than just wait and witness life chances pass you by."

she actually made a point.

* * *

"i enjoy their company after my best friend introduce me to their circle," A explained.

"let me guess, is he your male best friend from college, who you fell in love with before you knew he was gay."

she laughed with embarrassment, "and the worst part of it, was i cried and blamed him for not telling me because i already have too much emotional investment and expectations on him."

we both laughed.

"imagine, when he introduced me to his secret circle in one of their parties. all good looking men that you will never have a hunch they were gay. i was just laughing the entire time. even came to the point that i end up sleeping in between them on a king-size bed that night and realize at the end that it was the safest place in the world. who needs a boyfriend if you have an entire crowd, right?"

"i think, you just don't know anymore."

"uhm. so are you playing fortune teller now? don't know what?"

"hahaha. you just don't know how to handle men anymore. i mean heterosexual men"

from there, i just noticed her turn red.

"perhaps, i just find straight men boring these days and difficult in keeping a good conversation with."

"OR you just can't stop comparing them with your gay friends."

silence.

"are you open with the idea of being single your entire life?" i was starting to be straight forward at that point.

"i think so."

"but do you still hope of having a family of your own?"

"of course!"

"A, I am not suggesting you detach yourself with your gay friends because i perfectly understand how you enjoy being with them but i guess, for the hope of you having a family, it will be best for you to prioritize."

"what do you mean?"

"lets say after this dinner, you received a text from that good looking new office mate of yours, inviting you for a coffee and then seconds after, you also receive an invitation from your best friend saying his throwing another house party. who will you say yes?"

another brief silence.

"i guess, i know what you mean. it just feels like im facing this dilemma and the only way out is to always go back to where i feel i am comfortable with."

"well, i guess, that's an innate response."

in the perception of some girls, particularly fag hags, gay guys are the epitome of a perfect man. they believe, most gay guys are smart, intelligent, possess remarkable sense of humor, emotional, thoughtful and most importantly, very sensitive and empathic. and if extremely lucky, they can also be really good looking and at the same time physically fit compare to other heterosexual men.

unfortunately though, they knew, being perfect is next to being impossible--- simply because of preference. while some are just believers. they believe that there is that hope that they can turn a gay guy (they like) straight then eventually end up crying but becoming the best of friends at the end.

i guess, i just find A a catch. a treasure that most men fail or miss to turn as of the moment. she may be unique on her own way but i believe that she can be the best other half for someone who is also looking for a lifetime partner.

funny what A told me before we called it a night. how she would love to be reincarnated as a gay guy too just to find mr. right easier (when i was just about to tell her that story of my close girlfriend).

if she only knew.

hey, did we just confirm a sign here or what? :)

exploring FREEdom

it will always be there. the rag of horses galloping inside my chest drawn by uncertainties. but the unfamiliar scent of the boarding area i took that day made me realize how different it was from the other lane i usually take.

the departure area was way more silent; almost barely empty; as if it was indeed a living machine brewing loneliness and griming farewells. i can just imagine how many people cried in this sea of waiting and lonely benches. while the lane at the other side was full of people excited to be reunited. honestly, being inside the departure area, didn't really help me with the fact that i will be going out of the country alone and for the first time.

the three hour flight was spent mostly of reading the same magazine (i've been reading in that airline for almost two months that time); writing mental notes and itineraries, practicing some commonly used local phrases and convincing myself that everything will be alright as long as my sense of direction will not fail me, that i know how to read and i have enough money in my pocket.

so as soon as the captain welcomed us to Suvarnabhumi Airport , i knew its wanderer mode on. so the first thing i did was to exchange my money to the local currency; buy a local sim card since our receptionist forgot to activate the roaming service of my line; and find a local map.

but never did i imagine that i will be welcomed by an immediate challenge.

looking my way out, the sign boards and maps made me felt like i was a five year old kid again just staring and figuring out what those doodles meant. so i thought of asking for directions instead.

from the airport, my plan was to get to khao-san road, where most of my friends recommended me to go because of cheap accommodation. just to realize later that its recommendable if you are coming from bangkok airport and not from Suvarnabhumi, which is like 2 hours away from khao-san during non-rush hours.

nonetheless, i politely approached and asked a man who was waiting for the shuttle service.

"sewasdi!" the first word i learned. the man warmly smiled, bowed his head while both palms are together. unlike here in the philippines, people in thais are more welcoming to people who looks like them.

pretty cool and nice, i thought.

but the moment i asked, "would you know how can i get to khao-san road from here?" his warm face turned into something that resembles into fear. he immediately waived his hand as a sign of rejection and immediately just move away from me.

what did i say wrong? is khao-san road a very dangerous place? and prohibited in this country to be talked about? did my friends just throw another prank at me?

that incident made me a bit paranoid. it felt as if i missed out something in the picture. it took me another thirty minutes just sitting on one of the airport's benches to come up with another strategy. luckily, i was able to spot a tourist assistance center. for travellers visiting thailand, these centers are friends!

the receptionist told me that there is no direct route going to khao-san from that airport and just take a cab from there.

but i told her, no cabs (still brave enough to keep up in challenging myself) and will just take local transportation.

she smiled and told me to take the shuttle service going to the bus terminal and from there take another ride going to this place and then i just totally did not understand what she said next. so i just did what i understood. i bravely took the shuttle service passing the airport and just told myself to drop off where the bulk of people are dropping off. luckily, the strategy worked. i reached the bus terminal and immediately looked for the bus going to khao san road. unfortunately, the ticketing officer told me that there was no bus trip going to khao san that day and asked me to ride another bus which was later on objected by one of the dispatcher. and the story got more complicated and complicated. regardless, he told me to take a van ride going to victory monument. so again, i did what i was told and understood--- the last.

there are a lot of backpackers during that time, august. since most of the schools abroad are on summer vacation and classes resume by september. i met a lot of backpackers along my trip.

probably the rule of backpacking is always accommodate questions when you know the answer because almost everyone pays it forward and they know the dilemma one traveller faces in each trips.

on my way to victory monument, i met two korean girls who just came from another backpacking trip in indonesia and headed to the same route i am going. though difficult in communicating in english, there were sweet enough to give me tips on how to go by bangkok.

we bid goodbyes when we reached victory monument. the place at 7 in the evening is like cubao. buses were everywhere. crowd are coming from different directions. and even the people's faces were almost the same faces you don't seem to notice whenever you commute.

it was already 8:30 in the evening and i still cannot locate the bus number, the korean girls told me to take going to khao-san. actually, the moment i started reading and locating the bus numbers on each of the waiting sheds i passed, i kinda forgot the bus number they told me to take.

but im pretty sure it was 18. so when i finally found it, i immediately jumped on a bus number 18 and find myself the nearest empty seat. the bus conductor was holding like a piece of bamboo where in all the coins and tickets were place. i told her, "khao san." as i expected, she asked me again. i repeated. then suddenly a man sitting in front of me, waived the same hand gesture as the man from the airport gave at me. i am now really developing this fear of talking about khao-san. the man talked to driver in thai then informed me that i took the wrong bus. he instructed the driver to drop me off to the nearest waiting shed and advise to take bus number 32. i felt a bit relieved.

the moment i stood up, i bowed at him, made the amen gesture and said, "kub kun kup." just to realize eventually that "kub kun kup" is thank you when refering to girls. it should have been "kub kun krap" since i am thanking a man.

it was total a disaster believe but all i can do that was to laugh at at myself the entire time. it was already 9:30 in the evening. so that will be 10:30 in manila since the latter is an hour ahead. it was really a long day and all i can think of is just to get a hotel and sleep the entire night. i figured, i just have to give up and hail a cab. so i tried. surprisingly, i noticed that it seemed like all the cab that pass by happened to have someone seated in the passenger seat. then i remembered, vehicles here are right-wheel drives! argh!

so already desperate, i hailed a tuktuk instead though i know they are far more expensive than taxis. eventually, we agreed with the amount and headed to khao san road.

to be continued.

patience also waits

three years ago, there was a boy who just kept on ranting about almost everything after college. he ranted about how he missed his friends in baguio, how he needed to spend so much just to have a good conversation over stranger after strangers, how he struggled in watching movies alone and keep all his thoughts to himself after the curtains close; and how frustrated and lonely he was walking along empty streets just to go to work, which he didn't even like, every sunday.

like any fresh graduate, he was full of idealisms and ambitions. he wanted to achieve and experience so many things and believed that he can do far more than what he was doing during that time. he was very anxious; as if he was always in battle with time. though he never really wanted to be rich nor famous, he was just simply scared that he might end up not doing the things, even him was not sure what they were. but after countless searches and attempts, he started trimming his options; bothering himself every night asking, what he did wrong and what he didn't do?

countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.

until an opportunity came.

there were a number of considerations at first but he still grabbed it. the environment was completely different. even in his wildest dreams, he didn't imagine himself working as one. of course there were times when he got tired and almost gave up. but during those time, he will always go out, waive a cab, pass it along a familiar building and ask himself,

"do you still want to return back to this?," while looking at different (un)familiar faces smoking, talking and enjoying every last seconds of it outside. he will pause and then his answer will make the cab turn back.

never did he realized that most of the things he was worrying about before just started landing one at a time in front of him.

i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.

tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.

some he have already forgotten.

while some he remembered though the memory of every thought made this man a stranger even to his own words.

so whats keeping him busy these past months?

mostly work,

about a new company project,

a new team he is handling

and most of all, MORE wandering...

one stormy night

this was supposed to be last week and i know its been a while since i last posted an entry. and the topics to be written are adding to the piles of papers and post-its on my desk. but i promise, once i pull this project out, i'll get back to serious (?) writing again.

and in relation with, yj's post, i just wanted to post this video for a friend, kilala mo na kung sino ka!

haaay kahihiyan ito! hahaha! but goodluck sa akin este sa amin!

but wait! there's more! hahaha!

ikaw na lang ang kulang sa cast na ito... basta ako si mikee... bahala na kayo kung sino si donna at regine. hahaha!

mahal ka namin at ikaw ay special (special child! hahaha!) tandaan mo yan!

*TANG ENA this SHIT! ang mushy!*

then smile! hehehe

minsan, nakakapagod lang talaga mag reach out at ipa-feel sa iyo ang gusto mo mafeel. o siguro tumatanda na lang talaga tayong lahat! nagmamature investments tulad nila dabo, nagmamature priorities sa work at lablayf tulad ni mugen at xtian! at higit sa lahat nag mamature immaturities (hindi na lang ako magcocomment dito)! hahaha!

kitams! handa kaming magfalsetto at magsocial suicide para sa iyo! hahahaha!

kung ang july ay "topak month" para sa atin, we'll make sure ang august will be "our month." so huwag ka nang magpasuyo, halika na! mag spontaneous night ulit tayo!

bisitahin ulit natin ang midnight safari sa quezon city, mag foodtrip sa pinakamaruruming lugar sa manila, o di kaya magpa-blueballs sa tagaytay! hehehe!

we love you! mwah!

*teka, international friendship month ba ngayon?! hehehe

luna

last night was a close fight

between the sandman and i.

i pleaded to see the moon

but he didn't let me.

i asked him why?

but he just looked at me unmoved,

a bit worried and

then whispered low,

for tonight,

the moon reveals something

that he have always hid

behind its darkest side.

that despite high regard,

it is also capable of bleeding.

and i don't want you to bow your head down

from the only thing

that keeps your hopes from falling.

an open letter: dating a friend's former date

warning: the following depicts strong languages and ideas that are not suitable for idealists and hopeless romantics. read at your own risks.

catching yourself in between two good friends and another man is not always my frame of a scene.

honestly, i am really having hard time writing this post on top of my difficulties in catching up with my blog responsibilities over the past weeks. but i have decided that today, i am up for the challenge.

undeniably, in what seems to be a dogs-eat-dogs lifestyle where everyone tends or will try to know everyone, it’s not surprising for two friends to meet in the embrace of a common romantic (or even sexual) interest.

but what happens next is a trickier picture to be in.

source

though there don't seem to have a clear rule or guideline on such, i believe that like any common-sensical knowledge, it doesn't need any direct affirmation. its should be clear that no one is worth losing a good friendship.

but if the urge, want, need or whatever you may want to call it is unavoidable, there should be some things you may want to consider.

first, make sure its really and finally over. as cliche as it may sound, trust is the building foundation of friendship. and as we all know it, its something that is not easily given or acquired. sometimes it takes time and even solid proof for it to be shared. hence, if the feelings of a friend is not yet resolved then we should at least know and show to whose our loyalty is serve.

second, ask courtesy not permission. be mindful of your friend's gestures. for most of the time, "its okay!" doesn't necessarily mean its the truth. there will always be that awkward feeling on the friend's part looking at you and a former date at the back of his head (unless, he is truly and completely over). hence, being polite is the least possible resort he can dwell into.

third, know both the real score. it will always be helpful to know the reasons. it is within these reasons that set someone free either from his fantasy-like infatuation or from his "friendship-eating" guilt.

if the guy claims to your friend that he thinks he is not yet ready in this kind of relationship, then either he is just looking for a polite way of dumping him after a couple of good booty call or he really means it. either way, you may want to opt back in contemplating with item number one.

fourth, open yourself into ALL possible consequences. don't let this chance of someone liking you, overrule your capacity of being rational. most of the time and i guess its also safe to say that base from everyone's experience, such strong opportunities (reluctant in calling it as feelings) have the tendency to block our thoughts and make us just jump on that "exciting turbulent of fantasy rush." making us a bit looking desperate and selfish.

think of what will happen to the relationship you have with your friend, analyze the reputations it may entail on you and even how will it affect your other friends.

fifth, never think that you will be missing an opportunity (again). you are smart, good-looking and most importantly good-hearted fellow, whose characteristics are a bit rare to be seen in just one package. we would rather see you miss this "chance," but maintain the friendship and eventually meeting your match than taking this "chance-without-assurance" and start everything all over again.

and lastly, never think this is all about you being on the misunderstood-but-just-being-the-hopeless-romantic-me-side and your friend being why-is-always-about-him-being-on-the-good-side-while-i-am-on-the-other-side-side (whew! so many sides) because we all know that, at the end of the day, regardless of what happens, as a good friend, my only concern will always be on both of your welfares and of course, to our good friendship.

cheers!

para sa bewtdey boy

para sa taong mas mabilis pa sa mga motor ng edsa kung magcut at change ng topic.

para sa taong nagtratransform pagpatak ng 10PM kahit hindi full moon.

para sa taong mahilig magsulot ng pekpek short na ang slit on both sides ay 2/3 na buong haba ng tela.

para sa taong may nakakarimarim na poot sa kapitbahay na mahilig magvideoke buong araw.

para sa taong nag-maMATURE INVESTMENTS na sa pagbili ng kama, washing machine at iba pang appliances.

para sa taong naging kaibigan ko noong 21 pa lang ako habang siya ay 25 naman at ngayon, 25 na ako habang siya ay bumalik sa pagiging 18.

para sa kaibigang laging may baong mahigpit na yakap at "namiss na kita" kahit noong isang araw lang kami nagkita.

para sa kaibigang hindi natakot sabihan akong papansin sa text noon. HAHAHAHA! ouch!

para sa kaibigang laging nanlilibre ng YAKIMIX...hehehe!

para sa kaibigang lubos na maasahan sa paglilinis ng bahay kapag lumilipat (hindi tulad ng ibang nangangako dyan---hahaha!)

para sa kaibigang laging bukas ang isip at... ay! sige ISIP na lang muna pala...hahaha

para sa kaibigang napakatamis at STABLE ng ngiti ngayon,

at para sa (toot!) years old na pinakamamahal ko...

HAMPEY BEWTDEY DABO!!!

love with passionate sex,

kabitchesa

the men of the old house

it felt it was just last month, when a young boy fresh from college took all his courage and decided to find life in the city.

without any family, relatives nor friends with him, he saw himself renting a small room in katipunan together with an old landlord.

for almost four years the two men stayed under the same roof. but they managed not to divulge into a conversation. there relationship was constrained with brief nods or small talks whenever the boy pays his rent. there were even times when the boy catches the old man just waiting for him sitting on an old dusty couch as if cornering him to finally know who his tenant was.

but the boy, though as polite as he can, would always excuse himself with alibis of something important to do. then he will just catch the old man's dismay through his eyes. He will then feel loneliness radiating on his face.

It seemed like the boy just cannot stand the gloominess and coldness of the room. it was as if he was watching a very depressing film. hence he would always just stays inside his own space.

one time, the boy woke up realizing the landlord was not in the house. there was no coughing down stairs. no radio turned on. it was just plain silence. so he finally went out of his lair and decided to explore the entire house. then he realized, it actually took him a year before he have done this.

ang maarteng kurtina

in general, it was old enormous house, where dust already covered its elegance and time already stole it from being a home.

there was an old piano dead waiting on the corner. above it were frames of blurred old photos; of people who the boy have never seen before. but somewhere among the frames, he managed to identify his landlord. a young radiant man who was laughing while hugging a woman carrying a baby. the boy figured it must be his family. and no, he no longer attempted asking where they are now? he just left his curiosity inside boxes of piled stained letters, post cards and peeking photos. the mere thought made him really down and was even magnified when a cold smooth breeze brushed his arms.

it had been over a month since the boy learned his landlord was back. surprisingly, he was no longer waiting for him downstairs, sitting on that old dusty couch and listening to a struggling radio box. however, he noticed a woman, probably in her 40s, cleaning and bringing food to his landlord's room. she was also silent. eyes blank and lip tucked.

when the end of the month came, someone knocked on the boy's room. it was the woman. she said the landlord wanted to see him.

so the boy hurried, dressed up, took his rent from his pocket and went downstairs. when he opened the door, he was shocked. the old man was look entirely different. his frail body seemed way weaker than before, his swollen eyes sunk deeper towards his face. cheekbones almost vanished and skin paler than the cream blanket covering him. the boy almost did not recognize the man. pity started engulfing him.

the boy also barely recognized the old man's voice. though the message was clear. it was almost over. he wanted the boy to find another place; afraid that he can no longer maintain his house. he just wanted to rest and go back to another waiting. At least thats how the boy understood it.

the words struck him. he (boy) was speechless. there was just that automatic response of handling over his rent and go out. guess, he just can't bare the feeling or perhaps the conscience asking him why he cannot give the old man very small amount of his time before, just to make him forget or at they very least alter his routine.

but before he even made his second step, the old man stopped him. he refused to take the payment and advised the boy to use it for his next space. then he smiled. the boy almost surrendered to his own tears. he thanked the old man and left.

when he arrived in his room, he just stood in front the closed door and looked at the space he called at that time called his home, along with the things that he have brought inside; all the memories that he have met for the past four years.

goodbye has never been his thing probably because he always has difficulties of starting over. but if theres one thing he have learned from the old man, its simply waiting in between is far more worst than starting or ending something.

now, after four months of checking ins and sleeping overs, the young boy had finally moved over to his new place. brewing a new line of stories. and hopefully, this time, he will have the time to spare for other people to share their own stories with him.

black saturday

*been busy with work for the past weeks. its been a while so will try waking up my muse through spontaneous writing.

K still cannot believe it, seeing that well-carved gold wrapped around J's fourth finger.

decades had past. but K could still not stop thinking how fast time have escaped them. how so many things have changed. and how K have not prepared himself from it.

last saturday, it was brighter than expected. a reunion was spontaneously called and after exactly three years, K and J met again.

as usual, everything should remain the same, especially in front of everyone. it was just then that K have realized how good artists they were, never dropped the act even once. how they have lived behind pretensions and most importantly, how he managed to hold on to that weird churning feeling inside his stomach whenever they're together.

it never fails to make K smile. no matter how he try not to.

they drank the entire day, hopping from one bar to another. holding on to that excuse that its been awhile since they have been with each other.

nonetheless, K remain silent the entire time. he busied himself in stealing glances at J, trying to find flaws, and coming up with questions that he might have missed in the process of forgetting and moving on for the past ten years.

how J looks stupid in maintaining that cheap highlight. how ridiculous J's piercings look like. all these time, K believed that he is smart enough to know better. but he guess J is his kryptonite.

K even tried blaming it on adolescent crisis, with immature curiousness, or perhaps with that cheap romance tagalog pocket book he had chance of reading one sunday afternoon. but no matter how he dig deeper, the answers remained weak and refutable.

until K saw J removing the well-carved gold from the fourth finger, as they walked inside a bar full of people.

from then on he realized, there are still things or people left not to be changed--- completely. but what he saw made his thoughts more worst.

In the middle of the party, J stood up and walked away from their table with an excuse of going to the john. But its been almost 30 minutes and J still haven’t returned. Until, behind the thick crowd, K saw J with someone. nonetheless, K tried not to entertain the idea of getting hurt. basically, due to the absence of reason.

when the night ended, J offered K a bike ride to his hotel. there was a strange feeling being in that distance again. all K could do was to hold on to his narrow hips and take the harsh night chill as they go by the moving warm lights, as if bidding their goodbyes to the two.


they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.

if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.

K bet it will make living a little less complicated.

if only...

10 signs para malaman mo kung may boy/girl friend na ang crush mo (o babastedin ka ng liligawan mo)

10. mas updated at lagi siyang unang nakapanuod ng sine kesa sa iyo. pero kapag niyaya niyo naman, madami siyang excuses.
matapos ka'ng magnobena at humingi ng tulong kay sta.clara, st.jude at kerubin, niyaya mo ang crush mo manuod ng sine. banat mo pa, "napanood mo na ba ang ______?"
sagot naman niya, "oo, ang galing ng efex nun."
"eh yung __________?"
"oo, okay lang naman. mas dvd watching siya eh.
""aaahhh... yung pinakabago, yung ______________?"
"yup, nung rest day lang."
kulang na lang talaga tanungin mo, "bakit hindi ka nagyayaya?"
"gusto mo ba'ng manuod ng sine buklas? kahit ano'ng hidni mo pa napapanuod?"
"naku, super busy ako lately eh...."
ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka talaga mapamura.

9. kapag naging (mas) maporma at nagpapabango na siya ngayon.
kung isang araw, may naamoy ka'ng mabango, tapos first time mo pa'ng maamoy ito, at lalo na hindi pa naman malapit ang pay day, hanapin mo kaagad ang crush mo. kapag nakita mo siya na nakapower dress at malayo sa typical look niyang tshirt, jeans at rubber shoes o tsinelas. kabahan ka na, tsong!

8. kasama na sa expression niya ang linyang: "hindi ako pwede eh. may gagawin/pupuntahan ako".
kapag narerealize mo na lang na alam mo na ang pangalan ng tatay at nanay niya, mga kapatid niya, pet niya at lolo't lola niya o basically, alam mo na ang buong family tree niya kahit hindi mo pa sila nakikita. naku, wag ka'ng maging feelingero, hindi ka niya ipapakilala sa kanila. ginagamit lang niya, sila as an excuse para hindi sumama sa iyo.

7. hindi sumasabay umuwi, laging nauuna o iba ang dinaadaanan.
isang oras ka ng naghihintay sa labas. wishful thinking na pwede mo siyang sabayan sa pag uwi at maihatid man lang sa kanila. first move itong ng panliligaw kapag nagkataon. pero huli na ng malaman mo, kanina pa pala siya lumabas. at infact, mas nauna pa pala siyang lumabas sa iyo. the next day, gusto mo'ng kornerin. sinigurado mo ng mauuna ka'ng lumabas. nung nahuli mo na at inalok sabayan sa pag uwi, biglang nagtawag ng taxi at natatae na daw siya.ayun! dugo ang puso, durog ang first move...

6. Kapag may sudden change ng routine at hindi niyo na siya madalas kasama.
kapag madalang niyo na siyang nakakasama: sa ibang lugar na siya kumakain, sa ibang side na siya ng building nagyoyosi at iba na rin ang brand ng yosi niya---hindi ito simpleng pagbabago o make over lang, may nag iimpluwensiya sa kanya. believe me!

5. kapag patay na rin ang kanyang friendster, multiply, facebook at iba pang social networking site> last log in more than 3 weeks ago.
kasama sa panliligaw strategy mo ang pang-iistalk. at isang efecktib way ay anonymous viewing sa mga profiles niya sa internet, para malaman mo ang kanyang interest, favorites at madalas puntahan. pero 3 linggo ka nang nag oonline, ubos na ang pera mo sa kakarenta sa netopia, hindi pa rin siya nag uupdate at nag oonline. ang masaklap pa, nakaprivate viewing siya at hindi pa niya inaaccept ang invitation mo. haaay, sayang pera!

4. hindi o madalang na siya nag tetext. kahit lagi mo naman siya nakikitang nag tetext mag isa.
nagising ka isang araw at narealize mo na namimiss mo na ang mga text messages niya kahit na group forward messages pa ito. tapos isang araw, matutuwa ka dahil nag "goodmorning" siya. pero nang rineplyan mo naman, hindi na siya na nag reply back. minisscall mo pa pero wala pa ring epek, wala talagang reply.pero nang biglang pasuko ka na, biglang tumunog ang cellphone mo. magmamadali ka'ng iopen ang message tapos madadagdagan lang ang inis mo dahil globe advisory lang pala. argh!

3. kapag pumasok siyang naka turtle neck kahit hindi naman malamig o may band aid sa mga weird part ng katawan with the excuse na nakagat ng malaking kulisap.
matapos ang mga serye ng biglaang pag popower dress, magugulat ka na lang dahil papasok siya ng naka turtle neck kahit naknakan naman ng init sa labas. kung hindi naman talaga kaya ang init, nag baband aid pero super last resort na ito. panahon pa yata ng lolo at lola ko, ganito na ang mga style ng mga nagtatago.tip naman sa mga crinu-crush-an, pasalamat ka at uso ang mga scarf lately. kaya pwede mo'ng itago yan, kung ano man yan, gamit ito. kaya hindi magiging ganun ka obvious. *sorry dude, ayoko lang maging bias sa mga readers ko. its a subtle way of saying, i understand what they are going through. naks naman!

2. biglang bawal na mag overnight o mag inuman sa kanila.
ang bahay na pinag uugatan ng lahat ng nararamdaman mo. ang lugar kung saan mo siya unang nakilala: ngayon ay close na. kahit makailan ulit kang magyaya at kahit back up-an ka ng mga kaibigan niyo, hindi na raw talaga pwede mga visitors dun. siyempre classic na excuse dito ay nagagalit ang land lady, ang mga kapit bahay, ang mga askal at pusakal.

1. kapag may sun cellular na number na siya.
talaga nga namang hindi ka pa talaga sumusuko at natatauhan noh?!last resort na talaga, tatawagan mo na siya kahit below 20 pesos na lang load mo. kaso kahit ang pagpapaulan ng mga chummy at personalized messages ay walang epek at unlitxt na ang sumusuko, wala pa rin response. kungkaya't tawagan mo na. pero kung biglang nag out-of-coverage area, naku, isa lang nag ibig sabihin niyan mayroon siyang sun cell na tanging karelasyon niya lang ang laman sa phonebook. sa kasalukuyan, habang ikaw ay nagmumukmok sa kinalalagyan mo, sila naman ay nagpapalapnos ng tenga sa pakikitelebabad sa isa't-isa.

J.A.P.A.N. (Just Always Pray At Night) Japan!

when i heard the news, the first thing i thought was 2012, the alleged end of the world.

but it was actually my next thought that really drove me to post something in my status,

"wait lang 2012... bigyan mo muna ulit ako ng lovelife. its been a year, nalimutan ko na..."

then while waiting for a response, i saw a picture that made me realize how stupid, insenstive and selfish the status was. hence, i immediately deleted it and contemplated.

for at the end of each day, this is just one of the scenes, that goes beyond any selfishness and hope one will never see in his/her life.

source

all my prayers to the victims of the recent earthquake and tsunami in japan.

8 signs na crush mo na ang isang tao

8. kapag wala ka sa mood lumabas kapag hindi siya kasama. pero kapag andun ka na't kasama siya, hindi ka naman nagsasalita. basically, kahit hindi mo naman siya tinitignan, kuntento ka nang nandun lang siya.

7. gumagawa ka ng eksena o okasyon para magkita kayo. kunyari, kahit wala ka'ng pera at katuldok na lang ang itim ng mata mo dahil sa gutom, magyayaya ka pa rin inuman at sagot mo pa, para lang pumunta siya.

6. kapag nag iisip ka ng gagawin o pupuntahan kasama siya prior ng pagkikita niyo. kapag nagkita na kayo, palalabasin mo'ng naisip mo lang ang ideya by the spur of the moment at hindi mo naman talaga pinagplanuhan.

5.kapag daig mo pa ang bagyo sa pag-eemote at ang sunset sa pagiging artistic. kapag hindi ka nabati tuwing nagkakasalubong kayo, feeling mo ang pangit pangit mo na, tapos sisihin mo pa siya dahil hindi niya kino-compensate yung attention na binibigay mo sa kanya. may pagkakataon din na sobrang nagiging artistic ka at sinisipag gumawa ng mga tula, kwento o kahit anu ano pa. kahit alam mo'ng wala ka naman talagang talent. kebs ba nila? art is a form of self expression.

4. everytime na gusto mo'ng itext siya, mandadamay ka ng iba at gagawin mo'ng group message para lang may lusot ka kapag nagkabukingan, kaya siguro nauso ang GM. pero kapag nagsireplyan naman, siya lang ang nirereplyan mo. may tama ka!

3. kapag nangungumusta ka na ng mga tao sa mga common friend/s niyo, tapos siya yung laging hinuhuli o ikalawa sa huli mo'ng kinakamusta, para di halatang atat ka'ng may malaman sa kanya. pero obvious naman kasi siya yung may pinakamahabang conversation.

2.kapag ginogoogle mo ang pangalan niyat tuwing wala ka'ng makita sinusubukan mo naman ang nickname niya, kung wala pa rin, ang palagay mo'ng nickname niya, school na pinanggalingan, work na pinagtra(tra)bahuhan. minsan kapag nakita mo'ng maraming results, pindot agad ng image. sabay print o di kaya save sa computer.

1. kapag dinedeny mo sa sarili mo'ng crush mo siya, kahit na 6 or more sa mga nabanggit ay guilty ka.

someone from the north

*free writing

i am in a place far away. always in transit; nurtured by hellos and farewells. but at the end of it all, it still leaves me wondering, what am i really looking for?

***

there was uncertain silence for every uncertain questions i threw.

but what i only know was he lives in a very remote tribe village in the north. a community, wherein time have already forgotten them. the thought of poverty as their dish served on empty plates and cold corruption as their resting beds.

then he looked at me. his eyes, a bit shy. clearing his throat and composing every words he was about to utter. he smiled again and made his eyes disappear in a dark uplifting arc.

then he said,

i don't know.

perhaps, i just go somewhere ---away here. i already 27 years and done all works just to find i really want. construction, farming, porting, even assistant pastor.

what i experience, i guess never find answer here. so if my response convince you that i true, then, you'll think that i am to do any job regardless small or hard it be. at least, i can something to start.

in an ordinary conversation, the uncertainty and softness of his words can just simply leave someone asking, what did he just actually said?

but for me, the word escape instantly appeared.

in a way, he kinda reminded me of myself a couple of years back or even until now. he made me realize how fortunate i still am and introduce me to the pettiness of my day-to-day rants.

i don't know how am i going to tell it to my boss. if i will lie and tell him he is qualified just to give him that favor. but after we shook hands, i figured that i just cannot stain the honesty of what he said. so i totally told everything to my boss.

and for some weird reason, he understood where the both of us were coming from. hence, i was so surprised when he asked me to contact him again and ask him to go with us to manila by the end of the month. i will find something that he can do and take him as a secret company scholar for a course he always wanted to get--- criminology.

i must admit it definitely gave me goosebumps.

for this lad at least gave me something to hold on; a small piece of what i am really looking for. i may not know what it really is for now. but it feels like i already made my first step going there--- wherever that maybe.