Saturday, May 28, 2011

an open letter: dating a friend's former date

warning: the following depicts strong languages and ideas that are not suitable for idealists and hopeless romantics. read at your own risks.

catching yourself in between two good friends and another man is not always my frame of a scene.

honestly, i am really having hard time writing this post on top of my difficulties in catching up with my blog responsibilities over the past weeks. but i have decided that today, i am up for the challenge.

undeniably, in what seems to be a dogs-eat-dogs lifestyle where everyone tends or will try to know everyone, it’s not surprising for two friends to meet in the embrace of a common romantic (or even sexual) interest.

but what happens next is a trickier picture to be in.


though there don't seem to have a clear rule or guideline on such, i believe that like any common-sensical knowledge, it doesn't need any direct affirmation. its should be clear that no one is worth losing a good friendship.

but if the urge, want, need or whatever you may want to call it is unavoidable, there should be some things you may want to consider.

first, make sure its really and finally over. as cliche as it may sound, trust is the building foundation of friendship. and as we all know it, its something that is not easily given or acquired. sometimes it takes time and even solid proof for it to be shared. hence, if the feelings of a friend is not yet resolved then we should at least know and show to whose our loyalty is serve.

second, ask courtesy not permission. be mindful of your friend's gestures. for most of the time, "its okay!" doesn't necessarily mean its the truth. there will always be that awkward feeling on the friend's part looking at you and a former date at the back of his head (unless, he is truly and completely over). hence, being polite is the least possible resort he can dwell into.

third, know both the real score. it will always be helpful to know the reasons. it is within these reasons that set someone free either from his fantasy-like infatuation or from his "friendship-eating" guilt.

if the guy claims to your friend that he thinks he is not yet ready in this kind of relationship, then either he is just looking for a polite way of dumping him after a couple of good booty call or he really means it. either way, you may want to opt back in contemplating with item number one.

fourth, open yourself into ALL possible consequences. don't let this chance of someone liking you, overrule your capacity of being rational. most of the time and i guess its also safe to say that base from everyone's experience, such strong opportunities (reluctant in calling it as feelings) have the tendency to block our thoughts and make us just jump on that "exciting turbulent of fantasy rush." making us a bit looking desperate and selfish.

think of what will happen to the relationship you have with your friend, analyze the reputations it may entail on you and even how will it affect your other friends.

fifth, never think that you will be missing an opportunity (again). you are smart, good-looking and most importantly good-hearted fellow, whose characteristics are a bit rare to be seen in just one package. we would rather see you miss this "chance," but maintain the friendship and eventually meeting your match than taking this "chance-without-assurance" and start everything all over again.

and lastly, never think this is all about you being on the misunderstood-but-just-being-the-hopeless-romantic-me-side and your friend being why-is-always-about-him-being-on-the-good-side-while-i-am-on-the-other-side-side (whew! so many sides) because we all know that, at the end of the day, regardless of what happens, as a good friend, my only concern will always be on both of your welfares and of course, to our good friendship.

cheers!

24 comments:

MkSurf8 said...

ganda! pwede ipamudmud sa sangkabekihan. like ko yung 5th =)

Chip said...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

(Na-sense mo bang napa-hmmmmmmm talaga ako ng todo? Hehehe!!)

Trip said...

so what is ur final judgment to the friend who is now dating a friend's former date? is he worth ostracizing and/or condemning?

Toilet Thoughts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
daredevilry said...

hokey, fro, experience ba ito? :)

wanderingcommuter said...

trip: walang ganun... as ive said to a friend, i just want him to hear my side of the coin and now, nasabi ko na, i am in full support of whatever his decision may be. besides, as ive mentioned on the entry too, no one is worth losing friendship.

ganun lang yun. bow!

Trip said...

"we would rather see you miss this "chance," but maintain the friendship and eventually meeting your match than taking this "chance-without-assurance" and start everything all over again."

this seems like a case of "him or us". :)

and with the fifth. uhmmm... just to neutralize what is all being said? hehehe

peace erick and toilet thoughts. ;)

wanderingcommuter said...

"we would rather" means in our opinion or if we were to make the call...

i guess we have to lay all the means of interpreting it...

kelangan maset na my posts with open letters are entries of concern. pwede mo icheck yung iba. kung gusto ko mang-away sana bitchesa experiment to...

huwag ka magpa-baga ng basang kahoy!hahahaha

;P

*uy, kelangan pa kita makausap dun sa isang raket!

Trip said...

kilala mo naman ako. gusto ko lagi hot. hahaha. ayaw mo bang maging hot ang entry mo? alam ko maraming matutunan ang mambabasa mo dito kaya nagbibigay din ako ng aking sariling observation kasi sabi mo din naman ay entry of "concern" to. :)

about the raket, bilisan mo at may nakaabang ako na mga travels at may wino work out ako na isa pang raket. hehehe

wv: housh. tamang tama to. im building a house. o baka hssshhh iyan. ibig sabihin kelangan ko na tumahimik sa mga comments ko. hahaha

dabo said...

Strong words nga, kaya di ko binasa. =)

Yj said...

being the one who always says a lot of things na wala namang sense...

mananahimik ako.

:))

Darc Diarist said...

forgive my intrusion but since you wrote this in a public domain anyway, indulge me to register my two cents.

1.) i agree with a lot of the points you raised. we share many sentiments on the matter but

2.) what good does it bring to write this down for even complete strangers to know rather than personally approach your friend? An open letter? Why? Is your friendship a public issue? Or does teaching everyone a life lesson take precedence over your supposed friendship?

i do not question the thoughts, neither do i question your good intentions. i know in my heart of hearts that you mean well and i agree with most of the things you said.

what i deeply question is the necessity of making this public at the expense of - deliberately or not - hurting your friend.

i wish you and him well.

wanderingcommuter said...

darc,

the situation is not unique to one person. it happens to everyone, in some point of their lives. if readers are indeed complete strangers, i don't think they will instantly refer this to him. hence, the decision that i will never divulge names in this particularly post neither to the rest of my entries.

i guess, if "strangers" will try to know the real story behind it, then it will be the responsibility of his friends to keep the details inside their pockets.

as you have read, i never gave any names, details, events and situations neither any hints that will refer to them, it is just generally composed of blunt reminders.

but hey, i appreciate the comment and i completely understand where you are coming from, believe me.

as the real intention of this post--- im just hoping for the best.

smile.

:)

Darc Diarist said...

as if anonymity makes right of you not approaching him first before making this post.

and just like that you missed my point.

i rest my case.

wanderingcommuter said...

darc,

posting this entry did not come about from whims. of course, talking directly was on top of the option. but i chose not to, i have my reasons.

you'll know that eventually.

:)

yep, lets move on.

SunnyToast said...

I agree with most of the things you said and I believe you have enough reason:)

Happy Blogging...your new follower:)

tim said...

Naks, ibang level din anoh?

Di ko pa naman napag daanan to parekoy..

Kane said...

It feels like everyone's awfully quiet, like nobody wants to make a sound. Whew.

Kamusta ka Ewik? I know this wasn't easy for you to write; and most probably your thoughts were/are still in a disarray.

Nevertheless, I'd like to believe people choose what they felt was the best course of action at that point in time.

The rules of dating a friend's former date is tricky, indeed. We manage the best we can. And in time, we learn how best to deal with these things.

I hope you are well. Cheers. =)

Kane

wanderingcommuter said...

hey kane,

i'm great! its been a while ha. thanks for your thoughts, it really made me smile and gave me a different angle of the issue.

:)

Trip said...

i know why everyone is quiet, and i dont like it. hahaha

THE GRIPEN said...

I'm having palpitations after reading this....letche makababa nga muna ng makapag kape at yosi

kalansaycollector said...

hay naexperience ko na dating maipit sa dalawang kaibigan dahil lang sa iisang lalaki.

♥N said...

These are all excellent points, ewik.

but for me, it's even simpler: i don't like to share, and i just assume my friends do not either.

hehehehe.

Mugen said...

So heto pala yung sinasabi ni YJ na entry mo! Hehehe. Galing Wiwik, I broke my 2-week non-blogging/reading stint dahil dito. Hehehe.

Let our friend appreciate the things we have already learned. Kung mauntog at dumugo, then we should be there to come to his aid. If the bond prospers, well, we should be there to celebrate.

In the end, I just hope our friend chooses love not because of mere infatuation/attraction but because of shared values.