Tuesday, November 22, 2011

when L came

we all heard of rape. the most common being experienced by women. we also have heard and read about rape among men. the most controversial being among prisoners and POWs. in fact, someone reading this may also be a victim of rape one way or another.

a couple of weeks ago, i received an email from a friend who i have not heard for ages.

it was L and he came out to me on his message.

although the confession was not a surprised. i emailed him back, telling him what i felt. i was happy and proud of what he did. after sometime my phone rung. it was L.

i answered it and heard a trembling voice.

"i haven't told my family yet."
"don't worry it takes time. someday you'll just gain that courage to tell them. and everything will be just fine."

"i just wish its easier said than done, ewik. but honestly, i don't think i will ever have that courage because if i did, i should have already used it to tell it to my family by now.


i already reached my quota in disappointing my parents. and i really could not take seeing them getting frustrated again."

then L broke down.

it was the most torturing sound ive ever heard. a dying struggle between someone who is trying to be strong but at the same time on the verge of surrendering. it was just too much to bear.

"whats the problem," i asked.

"i just wish i can overcome all these. im trying to be strong, ewik. i really am."

it was just then when L told me everything.

several months after L's break up, he never really thought he can still go by loving someone like his former. he never came out from his place. he cut his communication from almost everyone he knew and cares about him.

but he is an introvert. so his parents never really got bothered about it.

there were times when hope visited L and accompanied him in his attempt to win back his former. but it seemed like promises, like a fruit, also wait for the picking.

the attempt made him at his worst and it took months to recover. almost a year to be a bit precise until a message from a site he started visiting gave him the spark for a new promise of hope, once again.

they started texting and calling. though despite the differences, the hope made it as if it was perfect--- it complimented, to quote him.

they went out several times and within just a couple of weeks it was already obvious-- the other party was already falling. unfortunately, as much as L wants to believe he feels the same way too, he just can't. but he still made himself hold to that promise.

until constant quarrels, unmanageable differences and demands grew beyond its intended limits, the flame of hope in L eventually died again. however, when he was about to tell that its over, the other party would not just let go.

passion eventually turned into obsession and sweet words became disturbing threats. the guy threatened L that he will expose him to his family, once he broke up with him. what made everything worst was the guy's obsession brought him to L's place, to his parents, family and loved ones--- in short to his life. L was caught off guard. he never thought, not even in his wildest imagination that he will be in that position.

L being an introvert never really had a lot of friends. hence, he never really had the opportunity to enjoy what he really is and what he can be. several negotiation followed but the obsession was way irrational from what he thought it was. there were attempts to plead but he guessed, at this point it was already hopeless.

honestly, it was really difficult for me to hear what he was narrating. i was mad and at the same time, weeping inside. every word was an indescribable agony. i suggested a number of things that i can do. but he refused. L just wanted the guy to get tired and eventually drop him despite the fact that he knows it will not happen anytime soon.

believed that it was everything, i asked him if we could meet the following saturday. but he refused. he told me that he is forced to visit and stay with the guy until the following morning, sunday. the idea of him just staying the night made me sick. eventually, he admitted. he is also forced to do it with him.

i tried not to think he was L, that he was a complete stranger who just wanted someone to listen at him. i tried imagining that he was just another random blogger who was trying to tell his experience. but regardless how i put it, it still felt awful.

"ewik, i have to go now. i am running out of credits and i cannot really afford of losing it. he always get mad whenever it happens. sorry, i am just scared."
i wanted to hug him; show him that he always have a friend who can always be there if he needs one. i wanted to help him with the best effort i can. unfortunately, all i can do and say during that time were:

"goodbye and always take care."


Chip said...

:( Nakakagalit yung story niya. :( :( :(

wanderingcommuter said...

chip, ang bigat bigat kaya sa loob. hindi ako makapaniwalang mangyayari ito sa kakilala ko at higit sa lahat may taong kayang gumawa nito...

red the mod said...

I call these sort of people emotional vampires. They will suck the life out of those unable to defend themselves. Troubling how audacious this guy is to coerce your friend into a faux-relationship for his selfish insecurity.

Did you know that the French have no words for girlfriend or boyfriend? For them, if two people wishes to be together, then they are together; and when love between them has waned or left then they can just as easily leave each other, no strings, no painful break-up's. It's a matter of continually choosing to be with someone.

I wish I could offer a more profound advice to your friend, but I don't. It seems this guy is hellbent on enforcing his unilateral definition of a relationship. All I can say is, he shouldn't let this guy blackmail him into submission, call him out on his bluff. If he intends to out your friend to his family, then threaten him back. I'm sure his family would take his word over this guy's. He is, after all, blood of their blood and flesh of their flesh.

Emotional vampires feed on your fears. Show them you can fight back, and that you do not fear them, and they often will back away out of self-preservation.

ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ said...

the solutions to this problem are not simple, happy or painless.

Victor Saudad said...

"When shall L leave?"

I hope he finds the strength, and build the courage to get around this situation he's in. Strangers be strangers, but definitely he has a friend in here.

wanderer said...

red, its hard but i think L wants to solve it on his own. he wants to take credit for something he have done for himself, even just this one.

wanderer said...

lof, yeah. kahit saan anggulo ko tignan--- ang hirap!

wanderer said...

victor saudad, he will leave in his time, i guess...

thanks for dropping by.

Nate said...

i can't help but cry.. i could feel L's pain.. i could feel his anxiousness.. i could feel his "yearning to break free"..

i'm sorry this happened to him.. if i were in your shoes, i'd be lost for words too.. i really don't know what to say to him.. i'll prolly hug him..

ok, OA na ang pag-iyak ko.. hais.. na-apektuhan ako..

Mugen said...

Sometimes, to disappear without a trace is the best course of action. I may not be in his shoes, but once, I was very close to doing my suggestion just to liberate myself from someone I don't love anymore.

May he find the strength to set himself free.

Lady Stapler said...

Emotional blackmail! Hijacker siya! I feel for L. I am an introvert as well, his reaching out to you is a big step already, I hope he finds the courage to break free from this evil person and find peace of mind as well.

This is me wandering C, i wrote as bk (bulaangkatotohanan dati)

wanderingcommuter said...

Hi nate,its alright...i guess thats the immediate reaction to this story.perhaps having your line available whenever he needs it is the best thing i can do as of now...

wanderingcommuter said...

Mugen,perhaps.people can say its escapism and not facing the problem.but if that well make him set free then be it. However there is more behind it than what i wrote...masyadong madami pa...

wanderingcommuter said...

Oh my god...one of the first bloggers...elder blogger...hahaha

I miss you.

♥N said...

It's so easy for people to say "L should do this, L should do that," but the reality is that unless you're in that situation, there is no telling how you would react or what action you yourself would take.

The real tragedy is that there are people out there who purposefully abuse and dominate others just for their own selfish needs and deficiencies.

wanderingcommuter said...

easier said than done, indeed.

harsh realities

Kane said...

Sometimes we find ourselves in certain situations we want to get out of. There, we have no choice.

After a while, though, we can and we do exercise our freedom. We choose to stay in that situation.

I think your friend needs to be brave. He's allowing himself to be held hostage in exchange for the boyfriend keeping a secret. Perhaps the price he is paying for is too high?

Who knows. These things, a man must decide on his own.


p.s. Hi Ewik =) Good to see (read) you again.

wanderingcommuter said...


yeap, i know. its been a while.

the situation is indeed complex.

when i wrote it i declined to state advice rather more of something to ponder. well, so far he is okay. struggling, i guess.

Seth said...

A bit of crying over what happened is good. But dwelling on it, and not doing anything about it, is a different matter. I think, after all the crying is done, fighting fire with fire (or water, for that matter) should be the next best course. After all, the perceived consequences, be it probable or not, of fighting back is way better than both the emotional and physical torture that your friend may be experiencing now. ;p

♥N said...

It's a new year, dear Ewik. I think one of your resolutions should be that you write on here more often. Miss you!