the dare: what i can do to break someone's machismo

so what do you think are the major problems of the philippines?

it was a friday night and for most people, its a gimik night. but ideally, it was not for me since i have classes for the entire day of saturday. but for the past months, i used to attend classes and cram paper dues without a a descent sleep or had passed bad papers. i guess, friday night is just hard to resist.

so knowing myself, i still went out with my best friend and the rest of the gang in sarahs (the most popular inuman in UP diliman). its been a while since i saw them and i guess, in a way, i have forced myself to restrengthen the old knots.

we only had four bottles of beer. then we decided to call it a night because i'll be needing to help another friend for her thesis. but this friend, invited me to meet her other sets of friends for another drink. so the kaladkarin part of me, as usual, tagged along again.

when we arrived in drews along katipunan avenue, the place was jampacked. she introduced me to her friends. mostly, girls; loud but entertaining girls!

their gang decided to meet up because of m, one of their closest friends, who just recently came back from south korea as an exchange student. he walked in with a korean guy named henry. henry is goodlooking. he has this typical korean boyband look: tall, chinky eyes (of course), tall nose, thin red lips and his straight, to quote m.

then my second inuman started. i've realized, im beginning to be an alcoholic again since i've been drinking for weeks straight now.

anyhow, in the beginning of the inuman, i decided to limit my faction to the people i only know. although, the rest of the circle was quite distracting, for the rest of the girls started kissing each other, which i find very typical in this kind of bars.

then later on M, joined in in the lips ball and they started giving each other smacks and french kisses. while henry on the other hand, was just laughing and observing them.

i, or we, didn't mind it at all. i guess thats just how close and comfortable they were. my only consideration was that they dont really have to flaunt it that way--- or probably again, im just too old for it.

it didn't take me that long before the alcohol spirit kicks in, especially im not really into hard drinks. then i just realized, henry was already talking to me. asking me, what my endevours are? what do i do? if ive been to their country? etc. etc. etc.

so being the hospitable filipino that i am, i politely answered. though i must admit there was a bit of language barrier. but we pretty much understand each other. then, i asked him back.

so why the philippines? have you already served your military service? hows south korea with north korea so far? me, trying to move away from the conventional beauty contest questions, which i think had already asked from him a million times. well, for a 20 year old guy, i must say, he answers well. he thinks years more than the other korean people i've spoke to before. until i asked him, so what do you think are the major problems of the philippines?

without any pause, he immediately answered back. as if he already had a canned answer in mind. first, the government. then, smoking and drinking. lastly, and there too many gays.

ofcourse, among all the answers he said, it was the last line that struck me the most. why? why did you consider gays as a problem?

i appreciate them. im mascom (student) so i have gay friends. but you see, im also christian.

i then sense that henry was starting to get into everyone's nerves. well, i kinda expected it since everyone in the table were sociology graduates/students.

for me, i truly understand his faith and all that. probably because, by now, im already settled with the fact that religion or faith is perhaps the most difficult issue to debate with. noone really draws out a common meeting point because belief is not something that you can totally change over a conversation or even a day. if ever it will happen, it will be long process of dis and reassemblying.

nonetheless, considering homosexuality as a national problem is something i think goes over its definition of what a national problem really is. for me, its not that as if you'll control or prohibit one's sexuality, will basically help the country. considering the fact, that most homosexual nowadays, are active contributors and citizens that are no longer enclosed among the stereotyped professions. in my opinion, the filipino society has, so far, transgressed the issue of gender in a borderless professional space, where one is no longer classified based on his/her gender.

anyhow, i respected his answer. i guess, it was an opinion he is really entitled with since he came from a relatively different culture than ours. but then, he asked me if i were comfortable with that "problem." and in a way i said, yes. though i told him, i don't really considered it as a problem. then surprised with my answer, he asked me the same question thrice, which i answered back with greater stress and conviction in each repeats.

"really?! seriously?! no kiddin?!"

then he moved closely and whispered, "if you are really the person you claim to be, then can you give my gay friend here (M) a french kiss?"

by that time, i was already on the verge of a heart attack.

you see, despite my extrovert personality, i still consider myself as a very private person. a lot of people can actually atest to this. and kissing in public, especially in a well packed place, is something i would not really do. eventhough people wouldn't eallymind. but then again, i thought, if this would cause breaking another person's machismo, then perhaps its worth it and besides i remember putting "making out with a stranger" as one of my lifelist last year. so i heed to the challenge.

but i told henry that, i'll only give m a french kiss, if he'll do it to him too afterwards.

still convinced that i am bluffing, he agreed and sealed it with a handshake.

so i stood up from my chair, grab m's back neck, move him closer to my face and gave a good two minuter.

for me, everything just turned blank black. all i could sense was the crowd cheering. nothing else.

then we were done. i moved away, returned back to my seat and laughed while looking at henry's surprised face.

i admit, i was already too tipsy to mind the people from the other tables, who were also cheering that time. m then, extended his hand and congratulated me.

the poor henry, on the other hand, was still shocked in disbelief. and by the time the crowd turned their cheers to him, he asked for a moment. he prayed and started talking to m and explained to him beforehand what they're going to do will not mean a thing to him and that he is still straight. when m affirmed, henry then shut his eyes and just waited for the guy infront to kiss him. m then dived in with his tounge trying to get in in henry's closed lips.

the crowd then reacted that it was not a french kiss since there were really no tounge from both parties involved. so henry loosened up and allowed m's tounge to go through. in other words, the kiss went longer than it should have been.

when they were done, everyone cheered louder for all three of us.

suddenly the girls in our table asked henry to do it as well to me. but i refused, saying that its no longer part of the deal and the atmosphere was getting more immature than it used to be from the time i kissed m. no, from the moment harry came up with that dare.

but basically, henry and i shook each other's hands and in a way i am glad that we were both (hu)man enough to stand by our words.

after a while, we noticed henry started making the same moves toward the other girls. trying to throw the same dare we made earlier. but the girls politely refused, but then he kept on insisting until some of them were beginning to ask for my help.

i guess, it was already too much alcohol for most of us or the guy was just trying to reconfirm his sexuality by doing it to the girls. well, im just laughed at the thought of it. eventually, henry raised the white flag and officially ended his night by sleeping on the table. while us on the otherhand, decided to hit home.

it was definitely a long night. nonetheless, it was all worth it. probably because something new happened for me in an inuman. someone went out of his comfort zone and crossed a life list. while the other hopefully learned something out of it, thats if he still remember everything that happened when he wakes up.

obsession

"i guess i haven't overcome that obsession yet"

x uttered while were busy editing our project.

"what obsession?" i asked.

"that attraction with straight men."

after hours of being in front of my monitor screen, i have finally turned away from it and looked at x. it was just then that i have realized that he was wearing a red shirt. a color he would rarely wear. i looked at him and waited. hoping he could elaborate his answer more. but there was just a long pause, he never said another word.

ever since we've met, x was not really fond of talking about his intimate life. thus, we, as friends never really bothered asking him about it. probably that is the wall that we have to respect. so we really consider it as one of those rare moments whenever he would disclose something to us. basically, all i know was the last time he had sex was with his high school girlfriend (he was in college during that time). after he broke up with her, for some reason, another form of attraction or realization emerged.

he never really had any serious relationships with all the men he went out with. he always had this lame excuse that they were just good friends. although something else was itching inside our heads, we still respected his excuse.

one time, in the middle of an inuman, he went over his limits and got too drunk to censor what was going on inside his head. he suddenly ranted about all the guys he went out with. saying, how selfish they were. how immature and inconsiderate and so on. in vino veritas (in wine, we find truth).

but i, or we, never really took it against him. in the first place, it was his right to hide and make his life private. but what really bothered me the most, was this obsession he mentioned.

source

ever since i was a kid, i grew up with this believe that gay men only go out with straight men. of course, living in a very traditional and conservative family plus studying in an exclusive catholic school for boys for most part of my life, i lived believing only on the existence of this relationship alone when it comes to homosexual partnership and this is never lasting and very parasitic. eventually, when i went to college, my outlook in life, particularly in relationships made a full turn.

academically, we were introduced to the diversity of culture, the various preferences individuals invent, choose and live with and even got the chance to talk and mingle with them. eventually, i have learned that for most part of human life, one cannot really box anyone to the studies and classifications academicians can come up with. its too complex that even language cannot claim knowing.

later on, i met and lived with (close) friends and housemates who chose to live their lives with partners of the same sex. thus, i already assumed that people who go out with homosexuals are no longer straight people but homosexuals too, regardless if they claim they're bisexuals or just trippers.

then here come x, who somehow reminded me of that long forgotten belief. it was bothering probably because of all people, it was him who opened it up. all this time, i really thought he was no different from other people i have met and knew when it comes to such preference.

but is it really possible for a gay man to end up with a straight guy?

later that night, the itch inside my head went crazier, to the point that i could no longer resist asking x, "what's with straight guys? "

for a second, i really thought i am doomed, that i will be missing another contact in my facebook, that i will never see x again and above all, that i will never finish my project on time (since it was x who was really helping me for the most part of the process). what did i just say? where is the respect that i am flaunting earlier? me and my big pakialamero mouth.

but fortunately, he politely answered back,

i don't know. i guess, theres just this craving in me to turn any straight guy gay when an opportunity stands infront of me.

and what happens next when he gives in?

i drop him off.

but why?

because technically, he is no longer straight.

so are you saying your just up for the challenge.

i guess, you can say it that way.

but isn't that unfair?

well life is never fair.

for a moment, i almost doubted if it was really x that i am talking to. i guess, that was the part of him i haven't acquainted myself with until that night.

then what does that makes you?

nothing. i admit, i can't call myself straight because i go out with men. but no one can tag me as gay either because i never really had sex with any of them.

you never had sex with them? then how can you say that they're already gay?

they confess.

and what do you get from it?

i dunno thats why i call it an obsession.

seriously, i am doubtful about his claims. quite bias because it was so UN-him. i am certain that i am missing a picture. but i guess whatever that be, all i can do is to respect him for now because i know, eventually he'll be needing to make a decision; and hopefully, he'll stand by it.

for me, respect is the most important thing when it comes to dealing with people. you may never know whether they are right or wrong unless you go deeper to where they are coming from. but for situations like this, i believe that its quite unfair for someone to push another to be what s/he wants him/her to be, just to feed an ego, just to feed an obsession.

as the old golden rule say. don't do to others what you don't want others do to you. one cannot simply objectify another to mere prize or trophy for making an impossible possible. because at the end of the day, we all know that we all have our own battles to win and we don't want another obstacle just to outwit another person's whims.

or probably again, its just me ranting.

moon whispers

smile,

because it bothers you.

be happy,

for you cry

and be glad that you feel that guilt

every time somethings ends.

for these speak a lot of you.

that you are far way better

than those who end theirs

without feeling anything anymore.

so never feel your evil,

for their is nothing wrong with loving,

---nothing at all.

thinking of getting a netbook (someday): asus eee PC 1008P-KR

last month, my buddy just died on me. i know im no expert but believe me, with all i know, i did my best to revive him. nonetheless, he showed me no response so i immediately rushed him to the nearest person i know how can. hoping, he could still be with me. but after three weeks of waiting, the (bad) news finally broke everything. he was already a hopeless case.

its just depressing to know that ill never see or feel him the same way again. whats left of him will forever remind me of the years we've been together; of all the secrets we had kept and all thememories i have cherished with him.

so to you my beloved laptop, may you find peace and solitude in cyber shangrila.
now, i am in search of another comrade.

last week, i was browsing some new laptops from one computer store to another when my attention was caught by this headturner.
this is the Asus Eee PC 1008P-KR designed by the famous industrial designer karim rashid. its weaved-like exterior gives it that classy, chic and industrial tone with a touch of relatable local color. it also has a very unique braille-like track pad that maybe awkward at first but you''ll eventually appreciate it, once you get used to it. the keyboard is also notable for it is relatively easier for a user to navigate and find its way to the necessary buttons. it weighs around 3lbs and almost an inch thicker than the awkwardly thin mac air.

although internally, the PC 1008P-KR doesn't really promise something extraordinary compare to its competitors, it still stands very suitable for netbook users that don't really need big system cruncher programs.

it runs on Intel Atom N450 (1.66 GHz) processor (also known as the pinetrail platform, which is the advance versions of the intel atom processors such as N280 and N270, that saves more battery power without sacrificing its performance), 10.1" WSVGA, LED backlight display, 2GB DDR2 memory and 320GB hard drive, which can also run the new windows 7 operating system.

i guess, for people who value first impressions, but with a notably competitive specs, the asus eee pc 1008P-KR may be a buddy you would want to take under serious consideration... and hey, it also comes in pink!

i give it 3 and a half out five avocados.

randomness

i remember when i was small, i used to kill boredom and forget all my childish problems by drawing small stick figures on each side pages of my book or notebook. then slowly flipped and released each page and watch as my little stick figures move from one place to another. it amazes me how that 30seconder felt like time flew; like everything moves and falls the way i want them be. like for a moment, they're gone.

during that time, while kids, my age, dwell upon tv cartoons and fairy tales, i chose to create and escape through my drawings, which i guess, i have carried until now. obviously, it didn't solve anything. but in a way, it cleared my cluttered thoughts.

the past days have been tiring and exhausting. a number of things happened. i have been busy finishing some dues for my classes while straightening some other businesses on the side. some were successful, while some were just too frustrating to be solved. and it bothers me how frustrations can sometimes be so paralyzing. it leaves your body with nothing to do but makes your brain work 'til it dries.

last night, i rode a bus in makati going to fairview, and fell asleep out of exhaustion. when i woke up, the bus was still running along commonwealth avenue. but then i noticed that i was the only passenger inside. in a second, i felt very confused. even thought that probably i am still dreaming. but it was to vivid to be a dream. too lonely to be surreal.

then, i figured,



aaahhhhh...


probably, its the february breeze coming. hahaha!

a confession of a "gifted" friend

i am gifted.

but not in a mental way. i cannot paint like van gogh nor create tunes like beethoven. i cannot come up with complex formulas like einsten nor invent a life-changing device like edison.

perhaps, you can line me up with those so called mutants like in marvel or to that tv series, called heroes. but this gift is not something in my genes nor brought about by a certain radiation or chemical accident. i just simply woke up one morning, after a series of one night stands, feeling something different.

source

my sexual urge became stronger than ever, to a point were i cannot control it anymore. my sensual perception became keener even to the slightest of details. and my physical endurance became way longer. i felt that i can even run on the thread mill for hours without any hint of catching my breath. it was as if i am on to any challenge and confident that i will beat any man by miles.

so the same night, i tried putting my gift into the test. coincidentally, it was saturday and every potential guinea pig is going to that one place.

as i entered the room, for the first time, i saw a thin wave of pink transluscent beam being emitted by my body and it flew across the entire bar. in an instant, i just noticed everyone was looking at me and started making their own moves just to catch my attention.

a guy in his early twenties, wearing a blue body hugging shirt and a pair of dreamy eyes, approached me as he groove in the most seductive dance i have ever seen. he was literally making love with the dance floor. he continously jumped from a low squat and repeated it in counts. then he suddenly reached me.

in my usual state, i could have avoided looking at him from the start, from the very moment he waved his body like a cheap pole stripper. but the gift overpowered my preference. i started dancing with him on the ledge while everyone started giving us space. i've never thought i have those moves in me all along and i could see in my expectators' eyes that they were craving a piece of me too.

then the beam coming out of me became thicker and thicker as i strot my hips in every beat. the aura i am emiting was driving everyone crazy like i've just farted the strongest drop of an irresistable fermone. until the next thing i knew, the guy was already dragging me inside a dark smoky room.

he aggresively took my face. his hands were becoming insatiably warmer as he pressed it harshly deeper on my cheeks. while i could see in his eyes, that the once dreamy pair of black balls were nothing more than a pair of dark and deep abyss. he was no longer thinking. his urge had finally overpowered him. i told myself, i already have him and this will be easy.

source

but the moment he took over me and i closed my eyes, i immediately saw erratic streaks of lights. it was as if i am riding a fast and wild rollercoaster entering what seemed to be a crazy tunnel without any patterns. then at the end, a very bright light engulfed me.

when i opened my eyes, i saw the same guy. but surprisingly he was no longer kissing me. rather, he was shouting at someone else, a tall, dark person with a fierce and edgy face. tears were rolling down their cheeks. they were exclaiming words i cannot decipher but you know they were filled with very strong emotions, from the way they delivered it with very stiff and contained gestures. until the shadow headed to the door and left the room. more faces appeared afterwards, in very fast shutters. but all of them were moving inside the same frame. while the guy was still crying in a very slow pace.

suddenly, i felt my blood rushing in. it felt like a long and hot coil crawling all over my body. then i heard an unfamiliar heartbeat. it took me a while before i have figured it was not mine but his. i felt how cold and restless it was like the first time i saw for myself, my first love going out with a close friend, who i have trusted and confided with my all my secrets and affections

it felt very empty although i am not even sure what it really meant. for me, it was something untolerable.something i should have not dared venturing into, like building all the guts and finally confessing my feelings to someone i really like just to be rejected and laughed at afterwards.

it felt like my chest was being torn into two by an unknown force. like knowing that your partner for years have cheated on you behind your back. that your partner have exchanged all the years you've shared together for a one night stander.

i wanted it to stop. i was already crying . screaming and pleading hard to let go. it was the most miserable feeling.

after all this time, i never thought i could still feel that vulnerable, weak and alone. then everything turned pitch black. it was as if i have passed out.

when i opened my eyes and gained consciousness, i saw the same guy again infront of me. his eyes were still close and lips still tucked into mine. then i moved back. he opened his eyes and i saw the remnants of all those pasts i have witnessed earlier. i felt a bit sad for him but far worst for myself.

i guess, it was the downfall of the gift. it would attract all people to my whims but at the same time, it would show me their misery, that would eventually show my own humanity.

at first, i thought, the gift was just like any free online products. that since they have just been released in the market, it is normal that there are still bugs and inconsistencies in it, that it would eventually correct itself. so i tried and repeatedly used it. trying to understand, control and use it for my own advantage. but the downfall of the gift was as persevered as i am. until i finally gave up.

now, i wonder who among the guys i have slept with cursed me with it? or if its my own humanity that activated it in me? or perhaps, i will never know for its already too late.

source

so now, i am stuck here waiting outside of that huge and enclossed establishment, filled with all that youthful freedom and excitement that already long forgotten me. trying to resist every seducing stare that would pass by and trying to believe that i am already tired of this endless goose chase. hopefully waiting and wondering for someone who will also have the same gift --- or if its even possible for people like me.

ang emoterong paper crane

naging super busy lately. pero striving to catch up.

for now, i want to dedicate this animation that i did for a good friend, xall pierce as promised.



a.k.a. ang emoterang paper crane. hahaha! ang talambuhay mo ang inspirasyon ng animation na ito. nyahahaha!

repost: saan nagwawaksa ang mga tula?

sa alaala,
doon ka nagsimula

isang buwan, isang linggo
at tatlong araw
ang gunita mo'y patuloy na umaalingangaw

binilang ko hindi ang oras
kundi ang alimuong lumandi sa buwan
hinintay ang sandali na maubos ang mga butil

na umaamba
sa kawalan na nakatulala

habang pinupukol
ang pagsayaw ng nagdududang dalampasigan

kinabisado ko ang pagluha ng mga bato,
inaalam ang pinagmumulan nitong nanunuot na lansa
habang kinakalas ang taling kumanlong sa bukas

teka,

hindi ko pa nais na masaksihan kang muli
palapit sa aking pagnanasa

pakiusap,
huwag mo ulit yakapin ang aking pangungulila
dahil alam naman natin, sa iyo pa rin nagwawakas
ang aking mga tula


*mula sa aparador ko'ng amoy naptalina
linikha noong ika-pito ng abril, 2006

**alay sa isang matalik na kaibigan at sa kanyang pagsasarado ng humigit kumulang tatlong taong relasyon.

the person i don't want to be

if there was one thing i remembered about her youth, it was her ambition. her parents told her, she was the smartest among all the nine children they have. thus, being a poor family of farmers, they always had high hopes for her.

she dreamed of taking up a degree in economics and pursue a career out of it. she wanted to be a career woman, save up and live a life out from a land that they can't even call their own. but its hard to live a life when you started from scratch. thus, she pursued the (only) road most people like her usually takes--- it was an entirely different alley.

she took a vocational course and worked as a secretary in an appliance store in caloocan to save up for her dreams. but along the way, she met her employer's nephew. a young, charming seafarer with a big sense of humor. to make it short, she fell in love with him and before she knew it, she was already conceiving their first child.

source

so she had to set her dreams aside for the meantime and focus on the arrival of another unexpected path, being a wife and a mother.

then they decided to move together and eventually saw the downfalls of each other. the seafarer still in denial that he was about to become a father, began playing around. while she on the otherhand, was left inside a small apartment, he rented for them, brewing a strong concoction of frustration and depression.

i really can't speak on her behalf about what she was undergoing during that time. but if there was one thing i am sure of, it was very severe. so chronic that it actually cost us our supposed oldest sibling's life. but on the otherhand, it made my dad realized he was already a commited family man.

as time passed by, we then came, all four of us. two boys, two girls and me, now, being the eldest. and life flew above my mom like a swift passing breeze. it was so fast that she even forgot about the dream she once set aside. and for her, it was already too late now.

two months ago, my mom and i had a big fight over this huge favor i was desperately asking from her. she refused simply because my dad disagreed. i forgot the last time i went that ballistic. i was so mad at her that i decided to give her the silent treatment i thought she deserved.

i began asking questions like why can't she make up a decision of her own? why does she always link her life with other people? why can't she be independent? i guess, it was the feminist in me that added the flare in my anger.

for weeks i refused to get her calls. i never replied back whenever she sent me messages asking how am i? did i already find a job and all those other motherly questions, which i live for the most part of growing up.

basically, during that time, i lived a segment of my life telling myself, kung natiis niya ako, kaya ko din siyang tiisin. that was how far i could be when i am mad.

then early this morning, i woke up a bit awkward. i felt there was something different. then i realized, she was there. my entire family went back home here in manila to spend the holidays.

source

as usual, there she was again, living in her own world, built on that part of our house with a knife and a crop in her hands. silent, reserved and almost frail. though i always remember her to be very eager and a bit stronger before.

it always makes me wonder whats going on inside her head. i always wonder what she feels, about choosing to fulfill other people's life other than her own. i wonder what she will rant if given the chance or if she is even capable or brave enough to give out one? did she ever regret living a life behind us?

i grew up telling myself, i don't want to be like her. i don't want to live my entire life behind the shadows of other people. i don't want to lock and stagnate myself doing household chores only and that i will never allow love to hinder me from achieving my dreams. i want to live my life to the fullest. i want to be as successful as i can be until i will be remembered.

suddenly, she turned on my direction and caught me just staring at her. i was literally dumbstruck in that moment. for the first time, i couldn't think of anything that would get me out of that awkward situation. for i still want her to believe that i am still not okay and that i am still mad at her.

but then she smiled at me. something she rarely does and that completely swept away all the grudges i have for her. then she wrapped it all up by saying, "kumain ka na, pinagluto kita ng sinigang na baboy. tinanggalan ko na din yan ng buto para hindi mo na himayin tulad ng gusto mo"

thats when i realized, that indeed, if there is this one person who knows you better than anybdy else, it would be our parents, and for me it would be her.

i never thought, she knew. although it was a given fact in the family that sinigang is my favorite dish (probably because for me, my mom cooks the best sinigang in town like all other children will say about their mother).and compare to other kids who usually separate the fat part from the meat, i on the other hand, would never touch any meat which has bones with it and i hid this from my parents because of the fear that they will call me stubborn(again). eventually, i have outgrown this habit but never i have realized she would remember.

in that moment, as much as i want to deny it to myself and despite being taller and bigger than my mom now, i felt like a kid once again. her scent crumbles down all the knowledge and strength i have proudly acquired from my education and experiences. the touch of her warm skin as it accidentally brushed on mine, brings back memories of me crying for her name for refuge whenever i wake up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream. and her gentle voice can just conjure serenity and calmness, i kept looking for.

indeed, its really hard to talk or write something about the person you genuinely love. that is why i never wrote something about her until now.

i guess, i still don't want to be the person like her for the simple reason i can never be like her. she is beyond any words of description that only the child in me can comprehend. perhaps, she have already fulfilled her dreams, although not the dreams she intended to be but of a better one, and that is raising us well.

source

and now im writing this entry to affirm her success. so that every person who will read this will know that she has been as successful as she can be and she will be remembered to be the mother of this son who once wrote that simple but victorious story of her life.

also read:
letter in the closet

noodle express

standing on the same spot, she was a holding a bowl of hot noodles again; staring a variety of thick sauces and carefully studying what to put, as if its her life that is at stake.
everyday, she pays the noodle kiosk a visit before going home. she would always order a bowl of noodles and takes a long time in deciding what a variety of sauce to try. surprisingly, she never finished a bowl.

***

four years ago, a girl had a huge crush with her friend. but the boy never really knew about it. they were childhood friends, neighbors and even went to the same school. in short, they grew up together and were almost inseparable.

until one day, the boy broke the news to the girl, that he was leaving for abroad. dark gray clouds fell upon her.

she locked herself in her room. never received any messages nor calls and would even refuse any invitations, especially if its from the boy. until the boy took the initiative to visit and persuaded her to go out with him. eventually, the girl sourly agreed.

they walked without any destination and with only silence in between them. the boy didn't ask nor explain. while the girl just didn't bother. time went through like all the light posts they passed, unnoticed. until they found themselves standing infront of a noodle kiosk.

the boy ordered two bowls of noodles. yet, no one still took the chance to break the silence. when the man with a tired smile handed over their order. the boy put spoonfuls of different sauces; that was the good thing about the dish: it gives you the liberty to choose but reminds you where you went wrong after. he mixed it slowly and patiently, as if brewing something special then hand it over to her.

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the girl, like everything unknown to her, was very hesitant at first. but eventually she was able convinced herself to try it. thinking, it will be the last request she will do for him.

but then the mixed sauce melted and lingered on her tongue as if it conveyed a thousand promise. the noodles, though partially uncooked, became the tastiest strings of flour she ever tasted. she enjoyed it or better yet loved it. it was as if she ended a long search and finally found what she was looking for all along.

a smile appeared on the boy's lips, that sealed the day and the following years that came.

***

ever since the boy left, the girl religiously visit the same kiosk, trying to produce the same mix the boy prepared for her, believing it would bring him back.

for years, she played with lemon sauce, chili oil, teriyaki, oyster and garlic. but none of them brought him back.

until one day, she received a message from the boy, stating that he is finally coming back home. ofcourse, the girl was excited; too excited that she almost jumped of her seat.

when the day came, the girl patiently waited behind their gate. wondering if the door bell will still sound the same or if it will produce a special timber or tone. she never even felt their tiled floor this warm. then suddenly, her phone rung. it was him.

"hey! can you meet me somewhere else? i am currently not at home. so i thought if we will be going out, i could just meet you there, wherever that may be."

the girl then suggested the same noodle kiosk and the boy with a confused tone affirmed.

hours later, the girl saw herself standing infront of an entirely different person. the boy, now a completely grown up man, is almost half a foot taller, wearing a quite formal attire for the place (different from the baggy clothes he used to wear) and a smile that seemed to be long forgotten by innocence. in a way, she felt a sudden awkwardness. they both felt a little bit uncomfortable.

after brief hellos, the girl immediately ordered two bowls of noodles to a now different vendor, but still wearing the same tired smile. she then excitedly hand it over to the boy, who looks a bit confused at first.

but when he finally remembered. he took the girl's bowl and randomly put different sauces in it. the girl then tried to memorize every sauce that he put: 2 spoon of oyster, a spoonful of teriyaki, a bit of chili and lemon sauces.

the girl with her buds excitedly anticipating, dig a forkful of rich sauced noodles. she pressed it deeper to her tongue, pressing the taste to linger her buds. she played the noodles inisde her lips until it lost its firm. but she found no memories. no picture of the boy nor the taste she once knew.until she eventually realized that she became a stranger to her own present and feelings.