obsession

"i guess i haven't overcome that obsession yet"

x uttered while were busy editing our project.

"what obsession?" i asked.

"that attraction with straight men."

after hours of being in front of my monitor screen, i have finally turned away from it and looked at x. it was just then that i have realized that he was wearing a red shirt. a color he would rarely wear. i looked at him and waited. hoping he could elaborate his answer more. but there was just a long pause, he never said another word.

ever since we've met, x was not really fond of talking about his intimate life. thus, we, as friends never really bothered asking him about it. probably that is the wall that we have to respect. so we really consider it as one of those rare moments whenever he would disclose something to us. basically, all i know was the last time he had sex was with his high school girlfriend (he was in college during that time). after he broke up with her, for some reason, another form of attraction or realization emerged.

he never really had any serious relationships with all the men he went out with. he always had this lame excuse that they were just good friends. although something else was itching inside our heads, we still respected his excuse.

one time, in the middle of an inuman, he went over his limits and got too drunk to censor what was going on inside his head. he suddenly ranted about all the guys he went out with. saying, how selfish they were. how immature and inconsiderate and so on. in vino veritas (in wine, we find truth).

but i, or we, never really took it against him. in the first place, it was his right to hide and make his life private. but what really bothered me the most, was this obsession he mentioned.

source

ever since i was a kid, i grew up with this believe that gay men only go out with straight men. of course, living in a very traditional and conservative family plus studying in an exclusive catholic school for boys for most part of my life, i lived believing only on the existence of this relationship alone when it comes to homosexual partnership and this is never lasting and very parasitic. eventually, when i went to college, my outlook in life, particularly in relationships made a full turn.

academically, we were introduced to the diversity of culture, the various preferences individuals invent, choose and live with and even got the chance to talk and mingle with them. eventually, i have learned that for most part of human life, one cannot really box anyone to the studies and classifications academicians can come up with. its too complex that even language cannot claim knowing.

later on, i met and lived with (close) friends and housemates who chose to live their lives with partners of the same sex. thus, i already assumed that people who go out with homosexuals are no longer straight people but homosexuals too, regardless if they claim they're bisexuals or just trippers.

then here come x, who somehow reminded me of that long forgotten belief. it was bothering probably because of all people, it was him who opened it up. all this time, i really thought he was no different from other people i have met and knew when it comes to such preference.

but is it really possible for a gay man to end up with a straight guy?

later that night, the itch inside my head went crazier, to the point that i could no longer resist asking x, "what's with straight guys? "

for a second, i really thought i am doomed, that i will be missing another contact in my facebook, that i will never see x again and above all, that i will never finish my project on time (since it was x who was really helping me for the most part of the process). what did i just say? where is the respect that i am flaunting earlier? me and my big pakialamero mouth.

but fortunately, he politely answered back,

i don't know. i guess, theres just this craving in me to turn any straight guy gay when an opportunity stands infront of me.

and what happens next when he gives in?

i drop him off.

but why?

because technically, he is no longer straight.

so are you saying your just up for the challenge.

i guess, you can say it that way.

but isn't that unfair?

well life is never fair.

for a moment, i almost doubted if it was really x that i am talking to. i guess, that was the part of him i haven't acquainted myself with until that night.

then what does that makes you?

nothing. i admit, i can't call myself straight because i go out with men. but no one can tag me as gay either because i never really had sex with any of them.

you never had sex with them? then how can you say that they're already gay?

they confess.

and what do you get from it?

i dunno thats why i call it an obsession.

seriously, i am doubtful about his claims. quite bias because it was so UN-him. i am certain that i am missing a picture. but i guess whatever that be, all i can do is to respect him for now because i know, eventually he'll be needing to make a decision; and hopefully, he'll stand by it.

for me, respect is the most important thing when it comes to dealing with people. you may never know whether they are right or wrong unless you go deeper to where they are coming from. but for situations like this, i believe that its quite unfair for someone to push another to be what s/he wants him/her to be, just to feed an ego, just to feed an obsession.

as the old golden rule say. don't do to others what you don't want others do to you. one cannot simply objectify another to mere prize or trophy for making an impossible possible. because at the end of the day, we all know that we all have our own battles to win and we don't want another obstacle just to outwit another person's whims.

or probably again, its just me ranting.