Thursday, January 28, 2010

obsession

"i guess i haven't overcome that obsession yet"

x uttered while were busy editing our project.

"what obsession?" i asked.

"that attraction with straight men."

after hours of being in front of my monitor screen, i have finally turned away from it and looked at x. it was just then that i have realized that he was wearing a red shirt. a color he would rarely wear. i looked at him and waited. hoping he could elaborate his answer more. but there was just a long pause, he never said another word.

ever since we've met, x was not really fond of talking about his intimate life. thus, we, as friends never really bothered asking him about it. probably that is the wall that we have to respect. so we really consider it as one of those rare moments whenever he would disclose something to us. basically, all i know was the last time he had sex was with his high school girlfriend (he was in college during that time). after he broke up with her, for some reason, another form of attraction or realization emerged.

he never really had any serious relationships with all the men he went out with. he always had this lame excuse that they
were just good friends. although something else was itching inside our heads, we still respected his excuse.

one time, in the middle of an inuman, he went over his limits and got too drunk to censor what was going on inside his head. he suddenly ranted about all the guys he went out with. saying, how selfish they were. how immature and inconsiderate and so on. in vino veritas (in wine, we find truth).

but i, or we, never really took it against him. in the first place, it was his right to hide and make his life private. but what really bothered me the most, was this obsession he mentioned.
ever since i was a kid, i grew up with this believe that gay men only go out with straight men. of course, living in a very traditional and conservative family plus studying in an exclusive catholic school for boys for most part of my life, i lived believing only on the existence of this relationship alone when it comes to homosexual partnership and this is never lasting and very parasitic. eventually, when i went to college, my outlook in life, particularly in relationships made a full turn.

academically, we were introduced to the diversity of culture, the various preferences individuals invent, choose and live with and even got the chance to talk and mingle with them. eventually, i have learned that for most part of human life, one cannot really box anyone to the studies and classifications academicians can come up with. its too complex that even language cannot claim knowing.

later on, i met and lived with (close) friends and housemates who chose to live their lives with partners of the same sex. thus, i already assumed that people who go out with homosexuals are no longer straight people but homosexuals too, regardless if they claim they're bisexuals or just trippers.

then here come x, who somehow reminded me of that long forgotten belief. it was bothering probably because of all people, it was him who opened it up. all this time, i really thought he was no different from other people i have met and knew when it comes to such preference.

but is it really possible for a gay man to end up with a straight guy?

later that night, the itch inside my head went crazier, to the point that i could no longer resist asking x, "what's with straight guys? "

for a second, i really thought i am doomed, that i will be missing another contact in my facebook, that i will never see x again and above all, that i will never finish my project on time (since it was x who was really helping me for the most part of the process). what did i just say? where is the respect that i am flaunting earlier? me and my big pakialamero mouth.

but fortunately, he politely answered back,

i don't know. i guess, theres just this craving in me to turn any straight guy gay when an opportunity stands infront of me.

and what happens next when he gives in?

i drop him off.

but why?

because technically, he is no longer straight.

so are you saying your just up for the challenge.

i guess, you can say it that way.

but isn't that unfair?

well life is never fair.

for a moment, i almost doubted if it was really x that i am talking to. i guess, that was the part of him i haven't acquainted myself with until that night.

then what does that makes you?

nothing. i admit, i can't call myself straight because i go out with men. but no one can tag me as gay either because i never really had sex with any of them.

you never had sex with them? then how can you say that they're already gay?

they confess.

and what do you get from it?

i dunno thats why i call it an obsession.

seriously, i am doubtful about his claims. quite bias because it was so UN-him. i am certain that i am missing a picture. but i guess whatever that be, all i can do is to respect him for now because i know, eventually he'll be needing to make a decision; and hopefully, he'll stand by it.

for me, respect is the most important thing when it comes to dealing with people. you may never know whether they are right or wrong unless you go deeper to where they are coming from. but for situations like this, i believe that its quite unfair for someone to push another to be what s/he wants him/her to be, just to feed an ego, just to feed an obsession.

as the old golden rule say. don't do to others what you don't want others do to you. one cannot simply objectify another to mere prize or trophy for making an impossible possible. because at the end of the day, we all know that we all have our own battles to win and we don't want another obstacle just to outwit another person's whims.

or probably again, its just me ranting.

25 comments:

line of flight said...

a world in which "gays" date "men" and a world in which "gays" date "straight men" (which is always already impossible) are two different worlds that organize gender, sex and economic relations in different qualitative ways.

now, as for x, he seems to want what he can't have and when he gets it, he moves onto the next can't-have to project his fantasies onto. just another variation of the suffering of someone who has an idealized two-dimensional image of a mate.

Johnny Cursive said...

looks like a commitment phobe settling for something that has the shelf life of exposed milk. Looks like he's always on the losing end of real relationships so he tries to reclaim his control this way. He's obviously still uncomfortable in his own skin and he's projecting his crisis on other people. Refusing "gays" and finding conquest in the homosexual humiliation of "straight" men?

This is textbook homophobia in a different dress.

rudeboy said...

"one cannot simply objectify another to mere prize or trophy for making an impossible possible."

Ah, but ewik. We CAN.

And some of us DO.

Sexual and emotional conquests and domination are regular running themes in a great sector of the blogosphere, are they not?

To be fair, lovegames and mindfucks are not the exclusive province of gay bloggers. Straight guys are the most notorious playahs of this game, and some girls seem to enjoy it, too.

Emotional immaturity or just the thrill of the hunt? Who knows? All I can say is that all's fair in love and war.

And that's why ya gotta watch your back, Jack.

dabo said...

wow! bigatin ang mga sumagot.. natameme na ako

tim said...

whoah... i love the way you deliver the lines and let the readers know how do you feel.. it is awesome, heart catching!

Bryan Anthony said...

i dunno, i'm 30 and i've settled this issue a decade ago. so, kudos on the piece per se...no comment on the issue.

Trip said...

he calls it an obsession but it is actually a self-defense mechanism rooted from his insecurity complex with other men, straight or otherwise.

Dhon said...

So he is a tease!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
wanderingcommuter said...

lof: i guess, i have to agree. though he is my friend, i felt really bad/sad for him. i really wanted to know where he is coming from. but i guess, his walls and reservations limit me only within the boundaries of what i can only know about him.

wanderingcommuter said...

hc: believe me, he never had any relationships with anyone of the same sex before. but i guess his exposure and knowing of such are so 2000 and late. a frame that has long been forgotten. a picture that had stigmatized the actual identity, or lifestyle (for some..).
indeed, this is a way of defending himself from the possible (negative) outcomes of such relationship. but would you believe the guy is the most emotional person i know? ofcourse, next to dabo. hahaha!

wanderingcommuter said...

rudeboy:

but it doesn't mean that just because we CAN do something, then we MUST or are ALLOWED TO do it.

for i still believe that every human relationship is binded by a certain social contract. and.i guess, it will be a pass for me to label or pass judgment to another gender for being more notorius than the other. i think regardless of gender, one is still not entitled to take advantage of another person's weak spots, especially if its something that roams on the concept of humanity or love and dignity for that matter.

wanderingcommuter said...

dabo: si cool canadian guy na lang ang kulang. hahaha! powercast na naman itu. nyahahaha!dabo: si cool canadian guy na lang ang kulang. hahaha! powercast na naman itu. nyahahaha!

wanderingcommuter said...

tim:
hey thanks!

bryan anthony
good for you. perhaps, its now our time to figure it out.

thanks!

wanderingcommuter said...

trip:
i am actually thinking, that the person who can break this chain from him, will be the same person that he will love the most and will make him finally realized the insecurities he keeps on denying...

or am i over analyzing again, doc?

dhon: you can say it that way...

Chyng said...

tell to your friend,s ince bibitawan din naman nya pag pumataol sa kanya, better to back off.

walang straight left for us. :(

line of flight said...

i do feel back for him too. i just have to remember for myself, when a projection/identification is withdrawn from the recipient, may I integrate it into my awareness so that I do not again have to meet it on the path.

dabo said...

@ewik: whether may cool canadian dito or not, kebs, kahit kaano ka-interesting ang blog entry mo. redundancy is not in my list.

wanderingcommuter said...

dabo: o IKAW NA! nyahahaha!

/iambrew said...

natakot naman ako sa mga comments sa taas. parang may mga Phd yung nagcomment.

i also have this thing about making straight men gay or at least hanggang they fall in love with me minus the sex. saya saya kaya. bad ko noh. hehhe

rudeboy said...

"i think regardless of gender, one is still not entitled to take advantage of another person's weak spots, especially if its something that roams on the concept of humanity or love and dignity for that matter."

I'm not disputing this, ewik. I totally agree with you. Thing is, people don't always play fair, nor do they always play by the rules.

Also, there's something primal in us that makes us prey on the weak. Have you never bullied, taunted, or teased a classmate simply because everyone else was doing it? To stand up for the weak results in one of two things: you either end up a hero, or end up being bullied yourself.

It depends, really, on how strong you are. And there's that word. Strong. The opposite of weak.

The difference between protecting the weak and slaughtering them lies in our higher functions - the humanity, love, and dignity you spoke of. These are the higher states which separate us from brutes, which make us "human." And yet, these higher functions are often trumped by our baser ones. Why? Because whether we like it or not, life is all about the survival of the fittest.

When there is plenty, it is easy to be kind and generous to the weak. But what happens when there is want? When push comes to shove, altruism has a tendency to waver. When we are down to our last peso, do we give it to a beggar? When we are in danger of losing a lover to a rival, do we not fight tooth and nail for him?

Survival is the most basic of instincts. And given a choice, would you rather hang out with the wolves, or the lambs?

Weakness is by its nature a flaw, and that's why nature itself does not favor the weak.

As for your friend:

"i admit, i can't call myself straight because i go out with men. but no one can tag me as gay either because i never really had sex with any of them."

Bollocks. He's as gay as any of us. It's not the sexual act that makes one gay or not; there are legions of male prostitutes who will take it up the ass and yet be totally straight.

He is gay because he likes men. And he obviously has queer and loathing issues by unmasking other gay men and leaving them to twist in the wind.

I pity him, but perhaps he will come to terms with himself someday. Because another key to survival is evolution.

For his sake, I hope he's still in the process of evolving.

MkSurf8 said...

yoko ng straight. gusto ko crooked.

prinsesamusang said...

i haven't understood gay people too but it is fine as long as like you, there is respect. i have very few friends who are gay, only two. yours is quite different from them, i guess. but he sounds interesting.

isipipis said...

i know... life is so po-mo nowadays. ugh.

can't explain anything scientifically anymore.

ps. i love this post and the reactors' diverse backgrounds. hehe. kudos!

bryan anthony, miss you, teh.

Aris said...

strange ang obsession ni x. bakit ganoon ang kanyang gustong gawin? paano siya napapasaya nito? hay, buhay. makulay. parang gulay. :)