the last trip

last night, as the car was dragging me back in makati, there were millions of thoughts radically rushing inside my head. and no, these were not the same depressing nor gloomy thoughts as i used to post in this blog almost every day, pestering you guys---hahaha.

for the first time again, i felt pure happiness, contentment and the simple feeling that i was reaffirmed of myself.

after i met an acquiantance in makati, with nothing else to do, i directly headed to cubao, where friends are waiting for me. it took me almost an hour because of extreme rush hour traffic, where i was forced take the bus, since the waiting line in ayala station was as long as the entire mrt route itself.

when i reached cubao, i immediately texted them and asked where am i going to meet them, che replied back, "stall 39."

i have waited for hours outside having just a stick of cigarette in my hand. the last stick from the pack i have just bought that afternoon, that started my chest to ache. *i never really had the chance to speak to the woman behind the white tapestry. so i just put and found myself in deep contemplation.

i was literally having a symposia within myself. probably the most intense dialogue i ever had.

i was thinking probably this is the best time for me to step up(?) from where i am currently at. feeling all the contentment and the reaffirmation i had from the past five days of my vacation from work. i asked myself,

if i am contended?

definitely i am.

did it served its purpose?
more than i thought it could be.

am i happy?

too happy that i felt that as much as i don't want to end it, there's just this need that tells me that there is no perfect time than now for it my flew away from me again.

then i remembered, kurt cobain.

i realized contentment and figured out the best thing in life comes when you start building courage, stepping up and turning yourself back from nostalgia and enjoying what you currently have.

probably, this is another phase of growing up--- maturing, as they call it. it is a concoction of bitter sweet memories and excitement.

then i thought,

as diaries runs out of pages,

as every trip reaches its destination,
as every road meets its dead end

then so is a commuter from wandering.

wandering not on the wonders outside, but basically on this page he have already called his sanctuary.

as much as i don't want to say this, but yes, my friends i am now, saying my goodbye to this page and giving out my sincerest "thank you" to all of you have spent time to read a part of what i call my life.

its been a wonderful, fruitful and well spent 3 and half years of blogging.

i have expressed a lot of myself, from which i thought i really don't have the courage to do so. i have learned more than what my life could actually offer me from other people's blog and comments. and most of all, i have gained friends out of the risk of unveiling my anonymousity, which i found to be one of the best decisions i made.

but sometimes there are just things that you just have to give up in order to achieve something else right?! nonetheless, i can say its all worth it. again, thank you!

and till we meet again at the crossroads,

ewik- "there are wonders when you wander."

battle of genders

"we have this notion that man-to-man relationships are plain sex and not lasting. while woman-to-woman relationships on the otherhand, are stabler because it is anchored upon more on the emotional side." this was one of the points raised during one of our workshops in our creative writing class, that got my attention.

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as much as i want to deny this, but by experience, it seemed like the point actually holds true if i am going to compare the relationships between my gay and lesbian friends. i counted and named gay and lesbian friends inside my head and what i found out was these:

generally, among my gay friends, their usual relationships last as fast as overnight to 5 months. although there are still few, which last more than a year or so. but comparing it to the number of my lesbian friends, the fastest i could remember last more than half a year and there were even some, who i knew way back from college, that are still together. one of them is running more than 6years in the record.

past sleep rejoice

sociologically speaking, men, compare to women, are socially reared to believe that virginity and sex is nothing to them, that the burden is all to women, since they don't really have anything to lose nor gain. having this (dis)advantage, men engages to sex more than women do. not to mention, the accessibility and today's mindset towards it, where it is as easy as picking down aratilis fruits all throughout the year.

i remembered, when i did my thesis, i told my adviser that i wanted my study to be emancipatory to my subjects. the first thing she asked me was, is your research indeed leaning to my subject's side? i answered her, no. she said, then, you can't.

but i found my own ways in order to explain such actions. first, repression is one of the factors that greatly affects this kind of behavior. when desire and drives are repressed especially by their own society, these craving intensify in great heights and these people will tend to look for various venues, no matter how unconventional and inconvenient it will be, just to fulfill it. but this is just one point of the entire realization.

last night someone told me that a gay man's life is actually dark. it is dark in order for it to show his humanity.

but i answered him, call me idealistic. but i still believe that its our decisions that turns it dark.

ang paglalakbay

i realized that sometimes, as much as we want to be ideal and believe on people, we need to understand that we simply can't. their emancipation actually depends on themselves alone. there is nothing that we could really do than to show them the "harsh reality" that they too have contributed.

*hoping and believing that everyone deserves to be happy at the end, no matter what decision each one makes.

8 signs na crush mo na ang isang tao

8. kapag wala ka sa mood lumabas kapag hindi siya kasama. pero kapag andun ka na't kasama siya, hindi ka naman nagsasalita. basically, kahit hindi mo naman siya tinitignan, kuntento ka nang nandun lang siya.

7. gumagawa ka ng eksena o okasyon para magkita kayo. kunyari, kahit wala ka'ng pera at katuldok na lang ang itim ng mata mo dahil sa gutom, magyayaya ka pa rin inuman at sagot mo pa, para lang pumunta siya.

6. kapag nag iisip ka ng gagawin o pupuntahan kasama siya prior ng pagkikita niyo. kapag nagkita na kayo, palalabasin mo'ng naisip mo lang ang ideya by the spur of the moment at hindi mo naman talaga pinagplanuhan.

5.kapag daig mo pa ang bagyo sa pag-eemote at ang sunset sa pagiging artistic. kapag hindi ka nabati tuwing nagkakasalubong kayo, feeling mo ang pangit pangit mo na, tapos sisihin mo pa siya dahil hindi niya kino-compensate yung attention na binibigay mo sa kanya. may pagkakataon din na sobrang nagiging artistic ka at sinisipag gumawa ng mga tula, kwento o kahit anu ano pa. kahit alam mo'ng wala ka naman talagang talent. kebs ba nila? art is a form of self expression.

4. everytime na gusto mo'ng itext siya, mandadamay ka ng iba at gagawin mo'ng group message para lang may lusot ka kapag nagkabukingan, kaya siguro nauso ang GM. pero kapag nagsireplyan naman, siya lang ang nirereplyan mo. may tama ka!

3. kapag nangungumusta ka na ng mga tao sa mga common friend/s niyo, tapos siya yung laging hinuhuli o ikalawa sa huli mo'ng kinakamusta, para di halatang atat ka'ng may malaman sa kanya. pero obvious naman kasi siya yung may pinakamahabang conversation.

2.kapag ginogoogle mo ang pangalan niyat tuwing wala ka'ng makita sinusubukan mo naman ang nickname niya, kung wala pa rin, ang palagay mo'ng nickname niya, school na pinanggalingan, work na pinagtra(tra)bahuhan. minsan kapag nakita mo'ng maraming results, pindot agad ng image. sabay print o di kaya save sa computer.

1. kapag dinedeny mo sa sarili mo'ng crush mo siya, kahit na 6 or more sa mga nabanggit ay guilty ka.

learning to speak kung hei fat choi

it has always been a given fact on this blog, how i despise going to manila, how i hate walking on its dirty streets and how it depresses me whenever i see people even families sleeping on the sidewalk, which has been a typical scene of the place. i even remembered a friend who once told me that manila wouldn't be complete without them.
personally, despite the tall and colorful buildings, million worth of grandeur light posts, and whatever ka-ek ekan has been introduced by the former city mayor, no one can still convince me to live there.
last night, i invited a friend for dinner and we met in gateway. but without any cheap place in mind to eat, we found ourselves sitting inside an fx on our way to binondo--- manila's famous chinatown. its the eve of the chinese new year and i thought that would be really interesting. honestly, binondo has always been an exception because of the interesting mixture of various cultures and how they jive together and work as one.

we dropped off at quiapo and walked towards binondo. the place was busy as usual though half of the crowd were already fixing their goods and preparing their respective floor beds for the night.

divino of tatakbulakenyo

hahaha. jowk lang po!

then divino led me to enter the famous quiapo church, we walked pass it as a shortcut. i was hesitant at first, not because it might cast me into fire (cliche!) but because it was my first time to enter this place considered by many to be holy.

i grew up in manila and i have been living here for almost three years now after the family migrated to bicol and graduated from baguio. but this is the first time that i would set my foot here. divino told me to knock and make a wish as a common belief. though i am not that religious, i still decided to give it a try. good health, prosperity, contentment and bonggang bonggang love and sexlife for me and the people close to me.

when we reached binondo, it was close to being a dark ghost town. no magnificent fireworks, no loud drum beats, no chinese people wearing red and golden wardrobes nor the famous dragon and lion dances. for a second, we doubt if that night was the eve of the new lunar year. but we thought that this should not make us to turn our backs on it for we could still have food trippings, which later proved to be a good decision.

we roamed and entered streets after streets. although clueless and confused of where we were and going, we continued. then we passed by a group of caucasians. divino told me that he heard one of them said, "i thought the chinatown here is pretty."
i wanted to react violently, chase and pull him off his collar, just to say to go back to what part of hell they came from. i just find it rude and inappropriate for an outsider to keep on comparing how magnificent and beautiful his place was in a place he is just visiting. but suddenly i saw myself in one of them and realized i am far worst. a native of this place who kept on saying that the place is not worth living. its a weird feeling: guilty beyond reasonable doubt. then i realized, hey, if this makes it unique, then so be it. just like any other things, sooner or later, all of us will find the distinctiveness of its beauty, regardless if its different from what our standard of beauty is.
then, a group of koreans passed (despite, the difficulties of distinguishing them from chinese, i just knew they were koreans because of where their chinky eyes are leaning and probably because i am already used of seeing them in katipunan). divino and i halted infront of a chinese store selling tikoy and charms. they also paused and checked for the things they are selling. i was busy taking pictures when i noticed a group of children playing and running in between us. then all of a sudden one of the koreans, patted his pocket and immediately chased the kids looking at them, checking if they have something on hand. the korean went back to his peers after seeing those kids were not holding anything. but he was still checking his other pockets. eventually he stopped when one of his friends pulled out from her bag what he was looking for. from that point, i felt a little bit insulted because of the thinking other people have on us. i just thought, probably, the foreigner is not acting based on who or what the person is, rather he is just protecting himself.
we proceed and saw a build up infront of the binondo suite and figured that it was where the celebration is being held. it amazed me to see a prominent mixture of races in the crowd: filipino, chinese and many others. after a time, i came to a point where i could no longer distinguish one from another. then the crowd began cheering when the dragon and lion dances started and became louder when they started counting until the bright fireworks lightened the place. everyone started greeting each other. kissing and hugging their loved ones. then at the middle of it all, i thought, probably, if people would start not identifying others based from his origin and preferences, then probably that is the only time that we could truly say kung hei fat choi! a true start of a prosperous new year for all of us.

thank you, girls

with barely an hour and half sleep, i found myself sitting inside my film class, boring myself to death, infront of my professor and his vilmanian friends, talking about no other than, vilma santos---again. big surprise, huh?!
at first i thought this would be a very interesting class since it could not be denied that one of my field of interest is film. but after noticing that the professor seemed like just using us, his class, to gratify his idolatry to his idol, i simply just lost all the enthusiasm attending it.
but hey! if there is one thing that i have i really thought about after last october, where i just woke up and thought of enrolling for masters and laid off my law studies on hiatus, that is am not going to drop any of my subjects again.
anyhow, while i was battling sleepiness and listening to the rather monotonous trivias about ate v. in the most enthusiastic and irritating tone, z, the same person who invited me to watch butas, invited me to watch another film again. this time, it was thank you, girls. i answered him that i am not sure because i am broke and i still have work that night. but he gave me a good offer that i could not resist, it will be his treat. so for a person who only have 200php until the next payday, who am i to resist?
but what i thought to be a brief walk to film institute happens to be a 100php taxi ride just to catch the last full show in robinson galerria. nonetheless, i can say that the film was worth it and a total redemption for z, who keeps on tagging me to disappointing films. i really had a good laugh on it, not to mention the story and the editing was superb.
the film was basically, a story of five gay men travelling all over mindanao, in search of and joining gay beauty pageants.
the moment i saw the poster, it immediately reminded me of pricisilla, the queen of desert by hugo weaving.
but i must say that thank you, girls, has its own distinct twist. it is well contextualized in our setting, making it very filipino. not to mention that it also shyed away from the typical indie films of gay men in the metropolic arena. it didn't pound any hardcore dramas or implied any dogmatic statements in between each scenes. it just highlighted how gay men in various labels (parlorista, pa-mhin, old fag or what have you) live their lives like anyone of us does. probably, the only difference is they opt in making it more colorful and unmindful of the things that are being thrown against them. it was a total breathe of fresh air and a moment, indeed saying, thank you, girls!

kabahay

Lamig ang tanging bagay na lumalamon sa mga gabi ni Alex dito sa London. Bagamat pagod ang katawan sa isa na namang nagdaan at napakahabang araw, hindi pa rin niya naiwasang paglamayan buong magdamag ang mga bagay na bumabagabag sa kanya, lalo pa't katabi niya ang taong dahilan ng lahat ng ito.

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Halos magdadalawang taon na rin silang magkabahay ni Charles, subalit hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin siya mapanatag sa sitwasyong meron sila.

Hindi niya alam kung papaano kukumbinsihin ang sarili na magkaibigan lang sila? na may naiwan na girlfriend si Charles sa Pilipinas? na ayaw niya'ng masira ang kanilang mabuting pagkakaibigan para lamang sundin ang kanyang nararamdaman? Kung bakit hindi niya kayang suklian ang binigay nitong respetong patungkol sa kanyang pagkatao? na hindi niya magawang maintindihan kung bakit hindi pwedeng maging sila, sa kabila ng napakaraming mga rason? Kung bakit sa kabila ng lahat ay umaasa pa rin siyang matututunan din siyang mahalin nito?

Kung tutuusin, masaya naman si Alex sa kung anong meron sila; bilang magkabahay, magkaibigan at pamilya sa lugar na malayo sa tunay nilang mga pamilya. Pero may kung ano'ng kirot at pananabik sa kanya na nagtutulak papalapit sa kabahay, kahit hindi tama, kahit alam niyang maaring maging kapalit nito ay ang ang kanyang paglayo.

Maya-maya'y pumihit nang patagilid si Charles at napadantay ang braso sa katawan ni Alex. Ito ang unang pagkakataon na nakaharap ni Alex si Charles ng ganun kalapit. Napako siya sa maamong mukha ng katabi at sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay naramdaman ni Alex ang muling pagragasa ng mga nag uumpugang alon at bato sa kanyang dibdib.

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Doon lamang niya napagtanto na mas mapungay ang mga mata ng kabahay sa malapitan kahit nakapikit. Ang dalawang pares ng mga matang halos araw-araw niyang iniisip kung ano'ng tinatago. Ang kanyang mayabang na ilong na kung ilang beses na rin niyang inasam na padausdusan ng kanyang mga daliri hanggang sa marating at madampian ang mapupula nitong labi, na kay tagal naman niya'ng iniisip kung gaano kalambot.

Matagal pinihit ni Alex ang mga mata sa mukha ng nahihimbing na katabi, kinakabisado ang bawat kurba, anggulo hanggang sa pinakamaliit na detalyeng maaring ipagdamot ng dilim ay ginalugad niya. Ninanamnam at inangkin ang napakabihirang sandaling iyun. At sa muling pagkakataon, sinabi ni Alex sa sariling umiibig siya, at tulad din ng dati ay sa taong hindi dapat. Pero naisip niya, siguro sa ngayon ang mahalaga ay alam niyang importante sa kanya ang lalaki, na kinakailangan niyang matutunang ito'ng pahalagahan at tanggapin--- kahit duon lang, kahit mahirap.

Dahan-dahang bubuhatin ni Alex ang braso ni Charles mula sa pagkakadantay. Pagkatapos ay maingat na pipihit patalikod. Subalit hindi niya malalamang didilat ang mga mata ni Charles pagkatalikod niya at pagmamasdan siya nito hanggang sa unti-unti siyang lamunin ng antok.



*isang draft sinopsis ng aking romantikong nobela para sa isang klase sa malikhaing pagsusulat.
**kwento ng dalawang OFW na natagpuan ang sarili sa isa't isa at sa likod ng salitang, kabahay.

a simple day, a simple life

its either of the two, either i just got hooked about it, just like anything that i pinned my interest on; or i am just scared of the truth lurking behind those stories. but regardless of the two, i just can't control the craving that keeps on itching at the back of my head.

then, why don't you leave your presence?

same reason why i kept myself silent. i admit that up until now, despite the stuffs that i believed in and the principles i keep, there are still things that i am scared of learning. ofcourse, there is no close secret to an open mind. but i believe that everything that we have gained also underwent process, right?!

most of the time, i opt in just being a reader, an invisible and passive being watching life as it passes infront of me. i tend to put myself on their shoe and then carry the things that i have learned as i close the last page, thinking that i may need to apply it in future occasions.

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but the problem with this kind of stories, is that, by the time, the stories unfold infront of me, i find it really hard to detach myself. for some reason, as i take the same path they walk, i find the road ahead of me blur. it feels so confusing, that is as if you are bared to be naked and vulnerable. then the next thing you know, fear and hopelessness are knocking you down. thus, i admire these people who are brave enough to disclose their stories--- these kinds of stories. for i may not/never (but who knows) have it on me, i must say that i envy the courage and strength they have, to pull it out to other people, for other people to know, be aware, learn and practive. regardless if other people believe otherwise.

the only time they will find acceptance is when people stop making a fuss about it and treat the virus like an ordinary flu.

ofcourse, sensationalizing and overrating an issue are as same as discrimination. one should understand that if we keep on rubbing in something the more its fire grows. it would never cease as something normal and acceptable as part of our everyday life, if we won't take it subtly. but everything has its own excemptions and i find this issue a good example of it. no one should take this subtly because it is already subtle on its own way, and i believe that it is the same reason why it has successfully proliferated into many people's lives because we keep on ignoring its presence.

and the stories that i am referring to is, all about




HIV and AIDS.








to be continued...

si marie, marie, marie

"jorge and i just broke up."

source

masalimuot ang kwento ng buhay ni marie, yung mga tipong pwedeng ipadala sa maalala mo kaya at papamagatang "lamat."

isang malapit na kaibigan si marie nung nasa baguio pa ako. naging magkabahay kami, kahatian ng yosi, tagaluto ng pancit canton at hingahan ng mga problema: sa buhay, pera, lovelayp at maging sexlayp. halos kilala na nga namin ang isa't isa, na wala na kaming pwedeng matago pa.

andun ako nung iniyakan niya ang pagkamatay ng karelasyon niyang babae for three years. nasagasaan ito sa tapat ng east avenue hospital. ironic, dahil dead on arrival. kahit up and down ang naging relasyon nilang dalawa, alam ko sobrang minahal yun ni marie. hindi ko malilimutan sa kanila yung mga gabi na mangungulangot silang dalawa bago matulog at ipapahid sa ilalim ng bunker ng doube deck na kama at mag aastang nag stastar gazing hanggang sa makatulog. nakakadiring kasweetan.

nauna siyang bumaba ng baguio at pumunta dito sa manila. nung natapos ko ang kolehiyo siya rin ang nagrefer sa akin sa kanyang pinagtratrabahuhan. isang araw habang nag geget-together kaming magkakaibigan, nagulat ang lahat nang sinabi niyang buntis siya. uunahan na daw niya ang tsismis, bago pa siya mapasama. tawanan ang lahat ng marinig yun. naalala ko pa'ng sumigaw ako ng hardcore. pero nung hindi niya kami sinabayan sa pagtawa, duon lang namin nafigure out na totoo pala ang sinasabi niya. yun yung mga eksena sa pelikula na after ng malakas na tawanan ay may abrupt at ackward silence.

after 8 months, nagkita-kita kami ulit. pero hindi sa isang coffee shop, bar o bahay ng isa sa amin kundi sa loob ng ospital. tense na nag aabang sa pagbukas ng pinto. pagpasok ng nurse, sigawan lahat. babae ang anak ni marie. sa unang pagkakataon, doon ko nakita ang katahimikang matagal nang tinatago ng kaibigan. may ngiti sa labi at animo'y ang tangan ang tuluyang kumumpleto sa kanyang pagkatao.naroon rin si jorge, tulad namin ay nakangiti rin siyang pinagmamasdan ang bata. hindi siya makapaniwala na ito ay nanggaling sa kanya. naisip ko, ito nga ata tlaga ang nararamdaman kapag naging ama ka.

ang mga sumunod naming pagkikita ay binyag at birthday celebration na ni sophia. naging ninong ako. nang binuhat ko ang bata para magpapicture, sandali akong nakaramdam ko ng pagiging ama kahit alam ko'ng hindi naman sa akin nanggaling ang bata. cliche pakinggan pero may mga bagay pa rin talaga na hindi mo kayang ipaliwanag.matagal-tagal kaming hindi nagkita ni marie.

hanggang noong nakaraang linggo ay nag text nga siya. wala na daw sila ni jorge. may ibang babae ang lalaki. hindi kasal si marie at jorge, at tulad ng lagi niyang sinasabi may anak lang kami. bukod pa dito ay nakatira sila marie at jorge kasama ng mga magulang ng lalaki. although halos 60% ng upa at gastusin nila ay sagot ni marie. bigla akong nag alala, hindi para sa kaibigan ko, kundi para sa lalaki at ang second party niya. kilala ko kasing magalit si marie. at siya ang tipo ng taong wag mo'ng tataluhin. kaya niyang makipagsabunutan kay oprah kung maapakan nito ang bagong pedicure niya. wala siyang sinasanto, in other words.

hindi nga nagtagal ay nagkatotoo ang kinakabahala ko. nagsimulang magpadala ng mga hate messages si marie sa lahat ng contacts niya sa kanyang cellphone, friendster, facebook, multiply at myspace. pinost niya rin ang picture ng babae pati ang cellphone number nito. hinihikayat niya kami na bugbugin ng mensahe ang babae para makonsensiya. kahit malapit ko'ng kaibigan si marie at nalulungkot ako sa nangyari sa kanya, pero mas naawa ako sa babae.

naisip ko, bakit kailangang sisihin ang babae? o di kaya nama'y bakit ang babae lang? hindi kaya pareho lang silang naging bikitima sa sitwasyon yun? bakit hindi kaya si jorge? bakit niya ginawa yun? o di kaya, bakit hindi si marie? hindi kaya siya din ang dahilan?

ito ay isa lamang sa mga komplikasyon ng isang relasyon. madami ka'ng kailangan ikonsider pero hindi mo pwedeng isipin na lahat ng tao, lalo na't nasa peak ng kanilang emosyon, ay pwedeng maisip ang mga bagay na ito. nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na makatext si marie. text lang kasi nagtitipid ako ng load.

ewik: pinag usapan niyo na ba yan?
marie: oo at ayoko na. hihiwalayan ko na siya.
ewik: ilang beses niyo pinag usapan.
marie: isa lang. tama na yun.
ewik: ano ka ba, marie? hindi na ito parang nung college tayo na magkamali lang ang isa ay hiwalay na. iba na ang sitwasyon mo ngayon. may anak ka'ng dapat iconsider.
marie: bahala siya, kaya ko'ng mabuhay at buhayin ang anak KO mag isa.
ewik: alam ko'ng mahirap ng baguhin ang isip mo kapag napagdesisyunan mo ng isang bagay.yun lang ang gusto ko'ng ipoint out. please consider.


madami pa ako'ng gustong sabihin kay marie, nung araw na iyon. subalit, tulad ng tinext ko sa kanya, mahirap ng baliin ang desisyon ng lukaret. minsan kasi ay binabaha ng toyo ang utak nun dahil sa labis na emosyon. baka ngayong linggo, magkita kami, kung papahintulutan ng mga schedule namin. at sana ay maka-come up siya ng mas mainam na desisyon sa aming pag uusap, tulad ng dati.

the struggling devotee, the struggling brother

the other night, my sister and i were watching a news coverage of the last feast of the black nazarene in quiapo, manila. although it was not the first time we saw how the feast was celebrated, we were still amazed with the number of people who flocked the venue and how it was participated. we figured how dangerous it was, more dangerous than the carera del torro in spain and log riding in japan. it was basically, a mob of strong catholic devotees, struggling in carrying and reaching the nazarene's cart, believing that their prayers will be answered and miracles to happen. suddenly, my sister is up to it again.
you see, my sister and i, although we are close siblings, we happen to share an entirely different points of view when it comes to lots of things. she is licensed physical therapist, while i am a social scientist. oftentimes, she would scold me when it comes to my health: my smoking, my eating habits, my physical activities and what not. but there is a very thin instances from which i could scold about my thing. while we were watching, she reacted on how people gets wild on such occassion, that they don't realize that they are hurting each other. she added, that it is just an idol, that god is more than the figures that are displayed inside churches. bagay lang yan. i was surprised on her reaction because i know her catholic faith is stronger than what i have.
seeing an opportunity, i immediately grab the opportunity to get inside her brain. i told her that each individuals have their own ways of expressing their religion, regardles what religion that may be, that these expression have actually set the biggest wars in human history. i admit that i may not be a religious person but i strongly believe that one should respect the spirituality and how it is express regardless, how bizarre it may be. i added, you go to church and hear the litany of the priest, right?!
would it be logical if i would tell you that id rather put my faith to these figures than believing what priests tell us? isn't that priests are just human as well and they are actually more vulnerable in giving out false information than these figures. if you are going to think of it, i find these figures more helpful in nourishing ones faith for it actually nourishes one's spirituality by creating a more personal connection with one self to god. my sister just stared at me and walked out of the room, again. the same reaction she did when we had an arguement about the hacienda luisita case.
i just laughed at her. but at the back of my head, and told myself, what a nice pay back from a brother who is struggling to have his sister over a cup of coffee and talk things like these. if i could do it with my friends, then why am i struggling to it with her? although i know that it will make our bond tighter. i just wish or pray that i could.

kahit ang loophole ay may loopholes din

ang panunuod ng indie movie ay parang isang kahon ng tsokolate, hindi mo malalaman kung ang titikman mo pala ay tae.

frustrated ewik

kagabi, pagkatapos ng aking klase, inimbitahan ako ng isang kaibigan na manuod ng isang pelikula sa UP film institute. sabi ko sa kanya, hindi ako pwede, wala ko'ng pera. pwera na lang kung manlilibre ka. kumagat naman siya at linibre niya ako. ayus!

hindi ko alam kung ano ang papanuorin namin. ang alam ko lang indie film na naman ito, kundi ito gay film ay award winning international film ito.


pagdating namin sa FI (film institute, ugali ng mga taga-UP na mag abbreviate kundi man ay gumamit ng generic ie. manang xerox, manong fishbol, manong guard etc.), WHOOOH!!! ang daming tao. nakakagulat. hindi naman kasi madals na ganito kadami ang mga taong nanunuod ng pelikula sa FI. last ko'ng nakita ang ganito kadaming tao ay noong nag premier ang lihim ni antonio. nang mapansin ko'ng mas madami ang lalaki kesa sa babae, na parang meron na naman grand eye ball ng bi-manila sa mirc, una ko'ng tanong sa kaibigan ko, gay film ba ito? sagot niya, hindi naman si allen dizon at gwen garci ang bida. anong synopsis? hindi daw niya alam. anong title nga ulit? butas (loopholes).



hmmm...


isang tingin pa, kinilatis ng mabuti ang mga taong nakapila at naghihintay, huwaw... andaming mga premyadong direktor meron din mga kilalang artista, at hindi din naman pala lahat ay mga inaakala ko, meron din mga manong na parang galing lang sa pakyawan.


naiintriga na talaga ako kung anong meron sa pelikulang ito. nang makapasok kami, isa na namang malaking WHOOOOHHHH!!! standing sa loob ng FI. at sa unang pagkakataon ay nakatayo akong manunuod dito. may kakaibang ambiance ang lugar, ito yung pakiramdam nung teenager ako at nauso ang mga ST na pelikula. kahit wala pang ako'ng 18 ay nanuod ako ng R18 na sine sa probinsiya, na kadalasan ay may kadobol pa. mas malikot pa sa malanding kiti kiti ang mga mata ng mga tao at hindi mo maiiwasang kagahan.


nagsimula na ang pelikula, unang bungad LEO films. hmmm... parang natatandaan ko ang production house na ito. nostalgic sa pandinig. nang iresearch ko sa Internet siya pagdating na pagdating ng bahay, ito ang ilan sa mga pelikulang prinoduce nila: sa iyo ang sarap, sa akin ang hirap (1999), hiram na katawan (1998), alipin ng tukso (2000), hiyas... sa paraiso ng kasalanan (2001), tukaan (2002), ligaya...pantasya ng bayan (2002) at marami pa'ng ibang pelikulang mapapanuod mo lang sa mga liblib na sinehan ng recto at cubao.


anyhow, mas pinili ko ng hindi ikwento sa inyo ang synopsis baka mahawa pa kayo sa disappointment na nararanasan ko. to be brutally honest, walang kwenta ang pelikula. hindi bago ang kwento, actually walang bago sa kabuuan. ang lame ng twist at halos wala nga'ng climax o totoong conflict, na pwede'ng mag engage sa kwento. pilit na pilit as in talagang pinilit ang kwento para magmukha, take note sa salitang ginamit: MAGMUKHANG kwento. siya ay hindi kwento. aside pa sa fact, na napaka as in napaka SLOWPACED at DRAGGING nito!


infairness, nag effort naman si direk, si direk bong ramos. siyempre naalala ko yung pangalan ng director. aside kasi siya nag director, siya din kasi ang may ari ng story at concept, script writer, at producer. at everytime na lalabas ang pangalan niya ay magpapalakpakan ang mga tao. kaya lalo na kaming nag expect. ang ginawa ni direk, kumuha ng dalawang shot to represent two side of the stories. kung pamilyar kayo sa pelikulang hero ni jet li. parang ganun, na parang hindi din. kasi kung ano yung unang kwento halos ganun din ang ikalawa. hindi ko alam kung may relevance ang tono na pagsasalita ni gwen graci sa bawat perspective, dahil kung oo, sorry hindi naging effective. imaginin mo na lang na pinapanuod mo ang isang napakahaba at napakadragging na pelikula ni jinggoy estrada ng dalawang beses sa isang upuan. nakaka stress, anu po?!


at kung sasabihin niyo'ng napaka bias ko naman po, kung andun kayo marahil ay isa kayo sa mga taong panay ang tayo, labas, tayo, labas ng kanilang inuupuan dahils a boredom. buti na lang talaga at hindi ako ang nagbayad dahil kapag nagkataon ay marahil ay susugurin ko si bong ramos at ipapareimburse ko ang ticket ko.


haaay, pagkatapos ng pelikula, may apat na bagay lang ang narealize ko. una, unti-unting ginagamit ng mga naluluging production houses ng mga ST films, nauso noong 90s ang pag usbong ng mga indie films para mainfiltrate muli ang market. ganito ang formulang hinahanap nila: kwentong mula sa mga film students + lots of sex = pa-indie movie. ikalawa, dahil walang jurisdiction ang mtrcb sa mga pinapalabas ng UP film institute at bawal na rin ang mga R18 na pelikula sa SM, ginagawa na ang FI bilang center for soft porn industry. ikatlo, narealize ko kung bakit ang daming nanuod kagabi, hindi dahil sa kwento kundi dahil sa muling pagkakataon ay makakapanuod tayo ng mga ST movies, katawan, please!. kung bibigyan lang siguro ng remote control ang bawat nanunuod kagabi, siguro finast forward at pinause na lang nila ang pelikula kungsaan may sex scene at may frontal nudity sina gwen garci at marco morales. at ang pang huli, na sa tingin ko at ang tanging positive points lang sa pelikulang ito ay, ang galing ng promotions at advertisements supervisor nila!!!

source

sensiya na, kelangan ko lang talagang irelease ito...


inhale, exhale... inhale, exhale... inhale, exhale...


yan okay na ako...

pweh, lasang tae pa rin...

the haunted

Official Entry, Competition Category, Corta International Short Film Festival 2006 (Portugal)


"Ben and Ella would rather go out and party than stay at home to look after their autistic sister. But avoiding this boring chore isn't the only reason why they want to get out of the house..."





courtesy of confessional movies

top to top: the top film on my top 100 favorite films list

"life is like the waves you just have to go with the flow." ana as portrayed by maribel verdu.

in the eyes of a young fellow, life is all bout having fun and probably for most of us, this is what we keep on struggling to regain back. free spirited, could not care less and spontaneous. from which, the only thing that drives us is satisfying our own pleasures, whatever that may be. we all had our own shares of it and sometimes reminiscing those moments are still sweet as the beer that we hold in our hands and tastier than the stick we smoke. as if it seemed like everything is completely different from before. but come to think of it, nothing really changed among those things. it is actually us, who have changed. we were changed and continuosly being changed.
y tu mama tambien (and your mother too) is a very memorable film for me and you may say that i have my own biases on why i chose it to top my film list. but basically, the film was the first foreign film that i have seen and made me hunt and watch more films on the same genre. at first, i find its pace very sluggish, boring and somehow confusing. if not for the sex scenes (yes, i also have that immature excitement in me before whenever i see flesh) i probably been sleeping for the rest of the film. until, suddenly i noticed minute details on each scene and how it created a connection as the film progresses. from that point, i felt a sudden urge of looking for significant details. not to mention, watching each films not on what it showing its audience but more on what it is hiding behind it.
the story revolved between the lives of two young boys, julio and tenoch, who came from well off families. they were living and enjoying a decadent teenage life, an epitome of sex, pots, rock and roll. until, one day they got acquianted with ana, the wife of tenoch most hated cousin who came from spain. ana has a gorgeous body and a very free spirited and quite naive personality. they learned that ana wanted to try the beaches of mexico. so two planned in seducing her by inviting her over to a remote beach that doesn't really exist, boca del cielo (mouth of paradise).

as they went off in search of the place, the three will find themselves entangled with each other. they will discover reality from which they are actually in: the truth behind sex, drugs and friendship.
if you'll watch the film thoroughly, you'll notice how the car they are driving symbolizes their lives. fast paced but sometimes would break out and stop. but as the car goes along the road, they would tend to notice the reality outside their lives: poverty, militarization, political instability, crimes and what not. but they will not stop. they will still keep on driving until they reach paradise(pleasure). eventhough they really don't know where they are going.

something needs to stop working, be disrupted in order for them to stop and appreciate life outside their box. and this, i believe is the problem for most of us, especially those who are living in the city. at the end, julio and tenoch will go back to mexico. they will go to college and will find separate careers and they will never be the same person agains, atleast with each other.
while the viewers, atleast for me, will never be the same person again after the film ends. one will realize that eventhough the curtain has been closed, the film will keep on rolling as we recreate it on our own story.

when poverty kicked me hard

blessed are those who can still see poverty. - mugen

just like any other things that is too prevalent in our everyday life, poverty has already been considered as something that we often taken for granted. it is too visible in almost everywhere and in everyone of us that most of us would just not want to notice it anymore. probably, it is one of our innate response into something that we could not find ways in resolving, a form of escapism, away from something that some of us already considered as hopeless. but last night, reality kicked me hard and i have noticed poverty once again in the most least expected place and moment--- inside one of those fancy restaurants in mall of asia.

the other night, a blockmate from san beda invited me over for dinner. my initial thought was she might have a problem with her boyfriend again. but she told that it was just a simple(?) block get together. the initial plan was somewhere near katipunan since they have considered that i still have work in makati. then it was moved to diliman. then to quezon avenue. on their way to quezon avenue they decided to return back to mendiola because of the traffic in welcome rotonda and haggled if i could just take the lrt and decided where to go from there. by the time i arrived, we immediately headed off to mall of asia for dinner. from there, one of my blockmate suggested we get steak. all agreed. we went to this fancy steak house restaurant. when everyone settled down, the waiter handed each of us a back to back sheet of menu list. our initial reaction was, "wtf?!" the cheapest dish on the list was around 680 and it was a thin slice of roasted meat marinated in rosemary and some herbs.

i was indeed hesitant in choosing what i am getting eventhough i know that i am not the one who will pay for my meal. for me, i just find it too much for a dinner. i thought, it could already feed a family of 5 in a slum area in manila for a week or even more in the province. but my blockmate insisted since we were already there. i just asked them to choose one for me atleast just to lessen the guilt i was feeling. they've ordered me a jesse james steak, which i don't have the slightest idea what kind of beef part it was. it took me a while before i have answered, "well done!" when i was asked by the waiter how i wanted it to be cooked.

i am not really a fan of fine dining. i usually get off my guard whenever i dine in to such establishments. because compare to other food establishments, fine dining usually requires too many considerations and restrictions on how you use the the exaggerated number of utensils, how you sit, how you chew, and even how you swallow it. i know, its all about dining ethiquette but there are times in which these standards, which by the way are just borrowed from other societies' standards don't really apply on our own context.

but going back to the food, by the time it was served and had a taste of it. i really tried hard in looking for anything special about it to justify its price. but it seemed like the too salty gravy was intended to make taste to the almost dull and tasteless beef. for that, i didn't even finished my food and regreted for dining in into this place. but the big surprise was just yet to come. i was surprised when i saw our bill. it was totalled 11214.20. the tax alone was a whooping 1103.04. but when i thought it was finally over, i saw another line that says service charge with 919.20 printed on it. it just made me fell on my seat.

then, i realized how decandent people can be whenever they stop noticing poverty around them and even to themselves. sometimes we are too occupied with things that we want to buy, experience and lavish that we fail to realize that there are actually other people, more people to be exact, that needs these means more than we do. i thought probably if we have donated just a quarter part of the money that we have paid, probably by now, we have made an entire family smile and survived another day.

but as the conflict theory arguement goes, every society needs to have a social strata that is composed with the more advantaged and the less advantaged groups in order to create conflict that will serve as the impetus for a society to survive.

well, i just hope that one day, if possible, we no longer need to have these nor any conflicts in order to appreciate our lives--- that is my idealistic self speaking.

as i end this post, i am thinking, did we leave any tip?

am i?

i found this in my msn outbox dated 2/01/08 7:36 AM (probably, something i forgot to post----seriously?! hahaha)

indeed, there is no easy way of forgetting. but there is also no sense of recalling something that would just hurt you.
it was just now that i was informed that some of my friends actually see me as someone who has a heart as hard as portland cement and a mind that could format itself at will. i was actually surprised upon hearing this and eventually ask myself, "am i?"
i usually receive messages from friends before, asking me, how was i able to move on that easily? (yes, my friends, this is another of those mushy thing regarding love post!) and normally my instant response is, i just don't see the point of crying and making yourself depress after a night of mourning.
for me, everything in life needs to move on. the world wouldn't stop at your knees, wait, and carry you over as you go ahead. most of the time, i just realized, it is actually us who holds ourselves from moving on. there is this unexplainable pleasure of reminiscing the past and the fear of whats ahead even if it hurts us. we might say that such is probably the innate and unconscious masochist id within us. nonetheless, we should always put into mind that it should be the conscious side of moving on that overrules our unconscious baggages.
we are still the captain of our own ships, as they used to say it. despite the fact, as mentioned by a blog that i've visited before (which i forgot the author), that there are things that the heart feels that the mind could not rationalize.
now, as i think of my previous relationships, they are just mobile numbers accented with certains memories in my phone for me that should no longer be taken with greater weights. but will be forever grateful. waiting that someday, i will receive a message with their names and number on it, saying that "can we be still friends?" (so that i could prove to my friends that i am not really that apathetic as they think i am).



"wanna talk it over a bottle of beer?"

my top 100 films (9-2)

9. grande ecole (2004)
the film grande ecole is a french film that tells the story of paul, a rich graduate school student who fell in the depths and complications of both his girl friend's bet another person's love and even his own. the bet is all about who will able to seduce paul's new room mate, louis-arnault. they have decided that if agnes wins, paul will be forced not to explore his sexuality anymore, which was wins, agnes will leave him.

8.el crimen del padre amaro (2002)
a story of a newly ordained priest who was assigned to a remote village in mexico. there he would witness the ongoing poverty and prevailing rebellion among the people living in the periphery and understand the deterioration of the very institution he serves.

i say: the ending of this film is definitely outstanding and how it breaks the dogmatic view of the church.

7.amores perros (2000)
three different stories and how a car accident linked them together. it reflects the hostility by men to animal and tot hemselves.

i say: the film will make us realize how we are connected to one another despite the disparities of our differences.

6.malena (2000)
it narrates the story and the struggle of a beautiful woman in italy during the second world war thorugh the voice of a boy admirer.

i say: a must watch. most especially the plaza scene. it will definitely break your heart and make you realize that being beautiful is not always a good thing.

5.hero (2002)
the story of a group of chinese assasins who plotted to kill the king of the qin dynasty in three different versions that were differentiated through the use of the seasons' colors.

i say: great production and twist. i never realized that i would like a jet li movie before i have seen this film.

4. city of god (2002)
it is the life stories of people living in a slum area in brazil where poverty, crime, corruption, hostility and power crippled the place.

i say: unbelievably real.

3. rent (2005)
the story of a group of bohemian friends renting an apartment in the slum areas of new york city. there, they would tackle their issues of love, sexuality, AIDS, drug addiction and how to pay their rent.

i say: i haven't seen the broadway play yet. but if some will say its way better than the film then it will definitely be one of my watch outs and life list.

2.happy together (1997)
it tells the story of two lovers who ran for the sanctuary of argentina after their families didn't agree with their relationship. there, they would realize not only the complications of the relationship but with life itself.

i say: extremely depressing. not recommended for weak-hearted.