horoscope: a year ender/starter

capricorn (21 december- 20 january)
last year: ocean park, aquarium

huwag umasa sa mga online job posts. sa panahon ngayon, hindi na lang ikaw ang may access sa internet. isa pa, madaming tamad na HR. hate nilang nagbabasa ng almost one million job applications ng mga tulad mong nangangarap din ng isang trabahong hindi sa call center.

aquarius (20 january- 18 february)
binondo food trip

hindi lang sa pagkain nararanasan ang kaligayahan meron din nakukuha sa gym. it starts with the letter K... at hindi yun KANTOT (sa ibang blog yun), Kalusugan yung akin, Kalusugan.

at isa pa, kelangan mo na ding ma outgrown ang iyong oral fixation sa C. anak ng.. sabi ng sa ibang blog yun. Cigarettes ang tinutukoy ko, Cigarettes!

pisces (18 february- 20 march)
watch a play, reconcile with an ex

kelangan tapusin ang mga nasimulan. hindi binigay ang talent para ipagyabang lang. biyaya din itong dapat pagkakitaan.

sa panahon ngayon, kapag mahirap ka, past time lang ang talent, hindi ka mabubuhay diyan dahil mayayaman lang ang may K(ayamanan) maging artist. not unless, close kayo ni ellen o oprah

aries ( 20 march- 19 april)
write a novel,
dance all night

kung hindi na pabor sa iyo ang pagiging happy-go-lucky lang, baka kailangan mo ng bumuo ng sarili mong ambisyon at sungkitin ito. iba pa rin talaga kasi ang may tinanim at hinihintay kang aanihin kesa maghintay ng walang katiyakang mahuhulog. and no hindi niyo po akong pwedeng iinvite na neighbor dahil hindi po ako naglalaro ng farmville.

taurus (19 april- 20 may)
lose 20lbs, fly a kite
cook for family and friend

ang responsibilidad ay hindi isang salitang binuo lang ng mga martir o ng mga taong gustong mandamay sa hirap ng kanilang buhay. lahat tayo, kahit hindi naka indicate sa birth certificates natin, mayroon nun. at hindi lang yun tumutukoy sa sarili natin kundi sa ibang tao--- sa mga importanteng tao sa buhay mo.

gemini (20 may- 21 june)
banana split, check in a motel

hindi ka na bata para maglaro lang nang maglaro. dahil hindi naman kasalanan ng ibang tao kung pangit ang naging childhood mo.

cancer (21 june- 22 july)
enchanted kingdom

takte, beinte singko ka na! bring it on quarter life crisis! tandaan mo lang, hindi lahat ng success nadadaan sa laging pagmove forward. mayron din nanalo dahil sa pagsuko. so relatibo ang kasabihang quitters never win dahil in the first place, hindi naman sila goal manalo. may iba gusto lang talaga mag enjoy.

leo ( 23 august- 22 september)
dvd marathon

magsipag ka na. dahil MAY NAGTEXT... sawa na daw ang katamaran sa iyo. tatlong subject ka na lang, thesis ka na. at kapag nagkataon ontime ka pang gragraduate sa masters mo. kung anong gagawin mo after nun, saka mo na isipin. alalahanin mo muna kung ano ang magiging thesis proposal mo, ambisyoso!

virgo (23 august- 22 september)

hindi lang luzon ang lugar sa pilipinas at hindi lang pilipinas ang bansa sa mundo. at mayroon ding barko at eroplanong naimbento para sa henerasyon mo. hindi totoo ang sinabi ni bob ong na makakapunta ka sa new york, paris atbp sa pag inom mo sa starbucks. o kahit ang sinabi ng HEKASI teacher mo na mararating mo ang buong bansa sa nayong pilipino. sabi nga ng globe, abot mo ang mundo!

libra ( 22 september- 23 october)
isdaan
go to malate, make out with a stranger
talk to a prostitute

alam ko matagal mo ng gustong maging rabbit. ayaw mo ng maging messy at madugo sa pagkain. mahirap man dahil evolusyon na ang nagdikta, pero sabi nga ng billboard sa aurora, change is (still) inevitable. at hindi ka magiging traydor sa alma matter mo kahit mag GO GREEN ka!

scorpio (23 october - 22 november)
resign

siguro ngayon alam mo na kung gaano kahirap ang maghanap at maghintay sa isang bagay na parang hindi na dadating. at ngayong natanggap mo na siya, huwag mo na siyang hahayaang sa parehong courier pa mapadala ulit ito.

sagitarrius (22 november - 21 december)

overrated na ang saying na look for happiness. si barbie at mga magic ponies na lang ang naghahanap nun sa end of the rainbow.
hanapin mo contentment dahil hindi na yun nag eevolve into bigger complications, at dahil hindi din naman sila pokemon. ano daw?!

pero on a serious note, makontento ka dahil may kontento na kung sino ka at ayaw mo mang aminin, sila ang nagpapasaya sa iyo.

anak ng... yan ang ending!

*linked entries are part of my lifelist for 2009.
** and this entry will be part of my lifelist for 2010. wish me luck!

everyone has his own story

they grace earth with such color and elegance. redefining the word beauty as they strut their hips in such rhythm. their body nearly bare. clothes hanging almost on the edge of their souls. they laugh as if they were concealing something. they smile to atleast draw the same line on other peoples' lips (or atleast thats what their intentions were).

but despite their presence, no one really knew who they were or understood why there were there. and that even i, could not claim i know nor understand.

people, just like most people, only thought of one thing, that they are just sores that give their place a bad name.

someone once told me that eavesdropping and/or staring at someone is rude. but for me, judging them is far more worse.

the other night, we were having cups of warm drinks and a tasty conversation, when i noticed a group took the table just across ours. believe me, you'll never fail to miss them if you were there.

at first glance, i thought that they were just a simple group of friends having their regular afternoon tea. but then in an instant, i suddenly noticed how their eyes moved like winter birds and how their gestures caressed the air. it was an instant give away. but there was something more; their attention didn't settle to any man that passed them by.

it was as if they were into a hunt. a game that only the preys know.

suddenly the cafe's guard started walking away from his post. then i noticed the sudden but gradual change from his welcoming smile to every customer that walked in to an arrogance that could not be described, as he approached them.

in the table, one of them even raised his cup and took a deep sip. but it didn't stop the guard. then tension nerves appeared. the once fierce and calling eyes mellowed down to mere pairs of dark balls filled with fear.

i didn't catch what they were talking about. they were just too far from our table. but what i saw next, surprised me.

the guard checked and lifted one of their paper bags, with his arrogance still unmoved. i could see how difficult it was for them to answer and no one even tried to take back what the guard was holding. now, everyone is watching them.

what is the guard asking them? is he asking if they really bought those things? is he implying that they shoplifted it? why are they not reacting violently? why do they look so scared?

questions flew inside my head like papers being swept away by the afternoon breeze. i could think of a million possible scenarios from all the movies and stories i have watched and read. but it seemed like nothing really fit in. until the guard took the bag away and put it inside a box near his post. surprisingly, still no one in the table reacted.

so what's the real score?

when the guard put back his welcoming smile and stood beside the wide and heavy glass door again, the group started talking. they look like they were conniving and cooking something. one by one they stood up and walked toward different directions until only one was left.

then he stood up, went to the guard post and retrieved his paper bag. the guard took it from his shelf and politely handed it over to him. he then went back to his table and slowly finished his cup of tea. and the hunting game resumed.

after a while, i noticed a middle age caucasian passed by, went inside the cafeteria, ordered a cup of coffee and sat three tables away from us. it was no big deal since a good number of foreigners usually go to this mall. but that scene actually gave me, the huge piece of the puzzle that i am missing. and it was later confirmed when the caucasian walked pass us and casually sat beside him. then a transaction was made and they left the place together.

later that night, an acquaintance told us about how these groups are now being driven away by cafes inside this mall. despite the running courtesy rule of big coffee shops around the world, that prohibits them from doing so regardless if they are buying customers or not.

only in the philippines, he added.

in this kind of situation, i have only three things to say.

first, its agitating how people have devised ways to stereotype this kind of preference to mere act of prostitution, to a point that even celebrities or people with big names are of no exemption.

how we dress reflects only a part of who we are and not the entire story of our life.

second, its just sad to know that nowadays, a filipino can feel so alienated to his own country, whenever a foreigner is situated in the same place that s/he is. probably thats the problem of us being too hospitable to other people other than our own. we just keep on thinking foreigners are messiahs: great and kind. while us on the otherhand, are just any other brown skin guy up to something not good.

lastly, yes, i am against prostitution but not to those being prostituted (which i think should be more politically correct term for the word prostitute). thing is, not because someone does something immoral, makes us above them. the morals that we have, will never give us the right to do something bad against their like. there are proper venues.

now, i wonder. what if it will be a group of prostituted foreigners wearing the same kind of clothes and behaving the same manner as they do, will the guard still approach them? will the people around them think of the same thing against them? or will it be an entirely different thing?

come to think of it, all of us have our own flaws. its just that its different from others, for its based upon our own life stories. thus, this makes us not entirely different from them.

all of us have stories other people don't know and may not understand.

*photos taken from the movie irreversible

revelation of love

sabi nila, kapag inlab ang isang blogger, madalas hindi siya nakakapag update...

well, totoo yan!

at isa ako dun.

kinikilig ako. tinatamad akong magsulat. dahil mas madalas akong nakakapagsulat kapag nag eemo ako o may problema.

pero ngayon, masaya at inlab ako.

ang hirap humugot ng inspirasyon para magsulat. mas maganda pang namnamin ang kaligayahan kesa isulat...

so, kanino?

inlab ako sa kanilang dalawa.

kay Jason at Melissa... at may palagay ako, kayo din! kahit ayaw niyong aminin!

i love MELASON! big time!

are these for real?

noong una, ito lang ang paalala nila:

pero ngayon lumelebel at chumi-cheesy na sila:

may mga supporters pa.

love (heart) emo

hulaan niyo kung sino si dabo dyan.

may prize ang makahula. hahaha!

pero above all, super nabother ako sa news clip na ito

shit andami kong friend

ang hindi mapapatay kung ganun.

buti na lang! hahaha!

fear (and/of) understanding

a year ago, there was this one thing i couldn't really write about, amidst all the entries i have posted before, where i bravely brought my insights, as well as some experiences, when it comes to love, sex, homosexuality, incest, illicit relationships, social deviances and even some of my radical political leanings (even though, i know that not all readers will agree or at least understand it); and that topic was all about HIV.

see, i may not be as sexually active as most people of my generation. but i am still scared (for the lack of better term) of that tiny and sheer possibility of still getting it.

but someone once told me that fear actually comes from the lack of understanding. we fear about something because we either don't know what it really is or we don't do anything to at least make ourselves be aware of it. but whats actually worst is that, most of the time, because of this fear, we (conscoiusly or unconsciously) create prejudices and discrimination against other people. and we only have our ignorance to be blamed.

so just recently, i have finally pulled all the guts i have to face it.

surprisingly, i have realized, that courage is not actually about conditioning ourselves to be brave, it is simply making ourselves be aware and open minded, in order to overcome that fear.

so i have i thought of posting this video that really moved and made me cry last night. a video, which i believe is worthier than any video that either tells my song of the week, my love life status or even my current mood.

so please, spare a moment of your time for this. who knows, you might find your own understanding and courage from it too.

(i even transcribed the video for those who have internet connections slower than molasses... hahaha. just kidding!)

Intro text:

This is a story of a 25-year old woman from the Philippines, who discovered a world of compassion, acceptance and commitment upon falling in love with a man with HIV.

The following images and outsourced video clips you are about to see are used to protect their identity.

Voice Over (Girl):

Every girl has a dream wedding, where its a perfect day.

She'll have her perfect dress and marry the perfect man. And in front of family and friends, make a vow to love each other; for better, for worst; for richer, for poorer;

in sickness and in health.

I'm Reese 25 years old from Cebu. 2 years ago, I would have been your regular girl next door; carefree and naive, with typical hopes and simple dreams. But all that changed when i went to Australia to pursue further studies.

I just think to a new place was pretty hard for me at first. Aside from the relatives, i was staying with, i didn't really know anyone else. No friends at all. So i ventured into chatting and thats where i met Brian.

We were both into anime, liked the same shows, loved the same bands. The connection was just undeniably strong from the very beginning. And getting to know more about each other, quickly grew to liking more about each other.

Two months later, we were inlove. We started talking about the future one day. Then his past suddenly became a concern to me.

He's always been open about everything. So I knew about how he have been with a lot of girls and stuffs like that. And we were also learning about STDs in school at the time. So I just asked him bluntly, have you ever got tested for a STD. He said, he have been cleared four years ago. But I still encouraged him to take the test again.

...came week later, and everything came out negative. But shortly after, he received a call from the clinic asking him to take another test. They said he might have HIV.

I was dumbfounded. I was shocked. I was everything. I didn't even know how to react or what to say. All i knew was that i already love this man. And was willing to fight this so called disease with him. So i looked it up and got as much as information as I could and taught myself about it.

The final test came back positive.

It was July and I called my mom and she cried with me. But she never spoke ill about it or about Brian. She didn't tell me to leave him, to find someone else or something like that. She was thinking in a way like, what if Brian was my son? How would i feel? What if my son had HIV and people would shun him? Or think bad things about him?

My other relatives on the other hand, reacted badly about it. They would call my parents and asked why they weren't doing anything to stop our relationship. They said it was suicide and that I was stupid for still being with him.

My friends had mixed feelings. They weren't totally against Brian. They were just concerned about the risks involved. About me, possibly getting HIV as well.

As for Brian's side, only his mom, sister and two friends were told about it. They don't want anyone else to know and they deal with it differently. By pretending its not there. Thats there way of coping, I guess.

So in a way, we were forced to hide Brian's HIV status. My family was really the only support system he had.

Its scary how people are so misinformed and so quick to judge. They don't know that its not a death sentence. And they forget that those with HIV are still people. People who get hurt. People who can still love and be love.

I remember hearing mass with Brian one Sunday. and the gospel was about Jesus and the leper. About how lepers were atleast stigmatized and isolated from society. But Jesus still have so much love and compassion for them.

I started crying. I cried so hard. Somehow it touched me and I knew then we have God in our side, that He'd give us strength through it all.

Three months later, another surprise. Brian and I were strolling down a beach in Sydney. Then with a mood ring in hand, he asked me to marry him. I couldn't believe he took my fascination for mood ring seriously.

Though as sweet as it was, I didn't really have an answer. i wasn't sure if i was ready.

I have been single all my life and everythings always been just about me. So I spent my last three months in Autsralia with Brian and his family. And then those few blissful months, I found myself wanting and hoping to just be there for him; to be strong for him; to help him get better; to always find a way to make things good for him. My life was no longer just about me, that's when I realized that I was already committed to this wonderful man and was ready to share the rest of my life with him.

Shortly before coming back to the Philippines, Brian brought me back to the same beach, and proposed once again. This time he had a diamond ring and I had definite answer.

When we consulted doctors about having children, we were told that as long as he takes his meds, we can still have a healthy baby. There are ways and we can even do it the natural way.

YES! we can do it. With some precautions here and there, we can still do it. So we really are just like any other couple, but with three additional letters that have changed as both, for the better.

I was very much still like a child before all this happened, with no goals and responsibilities in life. Now, I'm like a straight arrow with Brian's well being as my target. He inspires me and makes my life more meaningful.

As for Brian, he now has a healthier lifestyle, his vices are gone and he's gone back to the Lord.

I have always seen him as a fighter. But now he is stronger and a whole lot more positive than ever. So life is great. I love my fiancee and will be his coach, team mate and cheerleader in his fight against HIV.

Every girl has a dream wedding and i'll have mine this December.

It doesn't have to be a perfect day and I don't need a perfect dress. 'Cause I will have Brian, my perfect man. And in front of family and friends. Some naive, some understanding. We'll make a vow to love each other. For better, for worst; for richer for poorer; in sickness in health, as long as it we both shall live.

Brian and Reese are set to tie the knot this December 08. 2009 in Australia.

CONGRATULATIONS!

puro porno

lately, saturday has been the only day of my week that i really look forward to since this is the only time i am busy. i have two classes during saturday, three hours each. the first one is an undergraduate class, which i need to take as an introductory for my degree. then the next one is a film graduate class about pornography. yes, pornography. and obviously, among the two, its the later one that i really look forward to during saturdays.

whenever friends hear about this class, their immediate reaction is always a surprise then followed by a question, "whats in pornography to study?"

at first, i really don't know what to answer. and i admit that when i first enlisted myself in this class, i was so so clueless. besides, its pornography. what does it has to do with me, right? (panaive look tapos finger in my lips)

until one meeting, during a discussion, someone raised the same question. a good number of arguements flew in the air. and you can sense that most answers have the inclination of feminism in them. and although, feminism and gender have always been my part of the pie, i decided to remain silent and listen to what they have to say. until someone finally got my atention.

he was from the same college that i belong, we were the only non film majors in the class. he said that, the other day he watched this korean guy's film, ninja assasin and find it way beyond the words violent and gore. then he realized, how come people can actually accept such violent and gore films that only promotes violence, killing and abuse but cannot tolerate pornography that depicts mere expression of human desire?

then the films, in the realm of the senses,

deep throat

and devil in miss jones

were played.

that night, i burned two boxes of porn cds.

montage

one lazy friday afternoon, four friends decided to meet for a late lunch. though shadows were still hiding beneath their limbs, the sky was already bleeding with warmth.

when food was served, no one gave a gesture. they just stared at it, silent and unmoved.

Jo took the spoon, that was placed neatly beside a chinese porcelain. the plate was inked with intricate designs and finished with a gold plating. he scooped a grain of what was on his plate. no one actually knew what it was.

then he slowly savored it, as it melted inside his mouth.

then he said, find a person who would challenge your love. never settle with someone who loves you more. it will bore you. it will distort every good things he does into mere flaws. and by the time comes, you'll just realize, what you have is not really love rather its suffocation.

Alex lifted his glass from the neck. he moved it and watched as the wine danced inside. when it stopped, he took a brief sip and garggled it inside his mouth. he made sure that the taste would stay around his tounge. then he spitted it, even before it touches his wanting throat.

then he said, people are fools to believe love. what they don't know is, it only permits one's sexual desire. it justifies a kiss, allows a hug and above all, it makes sex guiltless, which i think is how it should be in the first place. if i can have sex with anyone i want, then why do i have to chain myself in a commitment, right?

Max picked something out from the basket. then he rolled it in between his fingers, feeling its actual plumpness and texture. it was rough that could titilate his tastebuds. but it was too soft to hold that sensation.

he said, love is the most overrated thing in life, next to god. if this is so abstract and unexplainable like what other people claim it to be, then how come it has rules? it hurts? and most of all, it lingers? but its funny how we still keep on chasing it. eventhough they say that it was very unwise to do.

then Jude took the salt shaker and dropped it on the floor that made a thundering noise; that even shattered the tainted window pane. everyone suddenly became silent.

behind them, the sun had finally set. then the chilly night breeze came.

someone offered dinner. but everyone became silent again.

something to ponder about

source

A bunch of people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom

-Kat N., a wonderful friend

*repost*

today, december 1, is world AIDS day.

same day, gloria macapagal arroyo

is filing her candidacy

in congress

for the 2010 national election.

lesson of the day:

protect and respect

ganun ba talaga kahirap intindihin yun?