Tuesday, June 9, 2009

a brother's worries

for most of us, we always think how is it like for someone to come out of his/her closet. we always symphatize to the burdens and foreseen consequences of the person coming out to his/her family. we have heard and shared stories of rejection, discrimination and even ostricization. but have you ever thought how is it like for their family to know that their son, daugher, sibling, mother, father, wife or husband is gay? and how they accept and deal with it?
earlier, cris, a close friend, privately talked to me while we were drinking in a popular dining place here in diliman. he told me he wanted my honest opinion about his problem with his sister.
cris is straight. although we were schoolmates from baguio, it was just when i studied in san beda that we became good friends.

he told me that her sister is frequently seeing this woman. at first, she introduced her as her best friend and often goes to their place. but suspicions arouse when he started catching them secretly holding hands, kissing and even locking the room alone together.

cris doesn't need his social sciences degree to know that his sister is a lesbian. although he admits it is still hard for him to accept this, the least thing that he could do is to accept and support where his sister finds herself and her happiness.


cris is a very intelligent person and perhaps one of the most open-minded straight people i have met. probably, if it was not him, i have already heard again the tiring worries of growing old alone, being ridiculed, discriminated and even hurt to name a few. but none of it spurred out in our conversation. nonetheless, it was the first time i have seen him that worried.

i have realized that admit or not it is always easier for us to be open-minded, liberal and accepting to things that are deemed socially inacceptable, as we give advises to our friends. but it is different and way harder, if it is one of our family member that is involved.

cris and his family are very close. thus, he is bothered if whether or not he needs to tell it to his parents. for him, they ought it to their parents. they have the right to know. they may never accept or understand his sister's personality, decision and life, but they still need to know. thus, he consulted me.

i advised cris to hold his silence and allow his sister to decide or to take the opportunity to confess it to their parents. coming out is not an easy thing to do, especially in a society like ours that is not expressive (assertive). most of us, live with the line, what you see is what you get. in other words, unlike other western countries, coming out is not a neccesity for filipino homosexuals. for we relate to other people based on what we perceive them to be without any direct confirmation. but ofcourse, this can also be dangerous at times. nonetheless, we just simply know.

indeed, we ought it to our parents and family. but unlike others, because of our close family ties, filipino parents know their children more than anybody else.

i told cris, that not because their parents are conservative, traditional and religious doesn't mean that they are clueless about who their children are. sometimes parents just let things the way they are, for there are just things that are better left unsaid and in the process, they learn to accept it.

suddenly, i saw a wide smile on cris' face, as if it affirmed me that he understood and probably in a way considered.

i grabbed my bottle of beer and softly hit it on his.

then i told him, "probably there may be a million of parents and siblings that are wanting you to be with them. your family is very lucky to have you. cheers to your sister! cheers to you, cris!"


Luis Batchoy said...

agree ako ewik... yan din sinasabi ko sa mga kaibigan kong nagtatago...

Kung inaakala mo na walang nakakaalam, lalo na parents mo... akala mo lang yan. But as I always say... hayaan sila sa kanikanilang mga ilusyon.. kanya kanyang drama yan, wag maninira ng drama/ilusyon ng iba. hehehe

DN said...

Hmmm... Mas maganda pa rin nga na mismong du'n sa tao manggaling ang lahat. :)

Yj said...

naman naman....

sana lang dumami ang mga magulang at kapatid na iintindihin at mamahalin lalo ang mga anak o kapatid sa mga ganitong pagkakataon

The Green Man said...

This is very touching and I can relate to Cris. I have a sister who turned out to be lesbian... and i love her.

She came to me with some of her friends (butch and femme looking lesbians) back in Narra Drom in UP... nagkewntuhan kami and all... they left without her telling me what she wanted to tell me. I knew she needed to tell me something kasi her friend reminded here about it when they were about to leave... but they left just the same.

Then after 30 min or so, i texted here saying: "Whatever you wanted to tell me, I am cool with it. I love you regardless." She replied with gratitude and said that she did not make a mistake coming to me first.

May be you can tell Cris to be open and accepting to whatever her sister needs to tell him... besides, it's her sister living her life. It would be helpful to have a very supportive bro to stand by her in all her decisions... because having a family support you emotionally and morally help make you successful with your decisions in life.

We should love people for who they are, not for what we want them to be. I know Cris has lots of worries, but that's his... his sister do not need to suffer for that... and vice-versa.

gillboard said...

i think it's cool to have a gay sister... i have friends who are lesbians and they are some of the most intelligent people i know...

<*period*>; said...

APIR!galing talaga

badlydrownedboy said...

yes, some things are better left unsaid. and just because it isn't discussed doesn't mean it is unnoticed.

sometimes, silence is acceptance.

Curbside Puppet said...

i guess it will always be a difficult subject to tackle.

siguro, understanding na lang and respect sa bawat isa ang best way to handle that.

♥nova-san said...

You are so right. Parents just know, regardless of what you think.

God knows how many things I've tried to hide from my parents, only to find out later that they already knew.

Bulaang Katotohanan said...

"i have realized that admit or not it is always easier for us to be open-minded, liberal and accepting to things that are deemed socially inacceptable, as we give advises to our friends. but it is different and way harder, if it is one of our family member that is involved."

---------Amen to that! This is like crossing the line between sympathy and empathy.

Theo Martin said...

I love your take on this, and how open minded yung advice mo kay cris! :)

wish i had that maturity when i was 22.

bampiraako said...

Nice post. Sana me big bro ako na katulad ni cris...Pero maswerte na rin siguro ako for having open-minded friends...

bulitas said...

Tama lang ang payo mo kay Cris.
Let her come out at he right moment at the right time. :)
At sa panahong ganyan, nothing beats unconditional love and understanding! apir!

pie said...

well. i think maybe its generational.. tho shes in her mid-forties already, i consider my sister to be a very open minded person; so i decided to try my lucj and come out to her; but when i did, she still expressed the same concerns you wrote about--that of growing old alone, ridiculed and crucified by the society we live in... sigh.. she still loves me.. though its always a struggle whenever the subject of my sexuality (and my partner) gets in the way of conversation.

parteeboi said...

hypocrisy, time immemorial, our sickness. open-minded? to whom? to your unfortunate neighbor?

a lot of people are unfortunately liars, to their own selves, when we talk about open-mindedness.

but it is really interesting, to know, how most parents and siblings take it when they find out that their son or daughter or brother or sister is gay.

i am gay, thus there is nothing wrong with being a homosexual, is there? if we share the same sentiment, then you don't at all mind if your brother or your sister is gay. no matter you're straight or a little crooked.