last night, on my way to trinoma, after work, one of my blockmates from san beda called.
"where are you?"
"on my way to trinoma. why?"
"meet us in figaro, quezon avenue.its urgent!"
"near capitol hospital?"
her response made me shiver while cold sweat gushed in all over my body. for some reasons, pictures from the recent bloody bar exam explosion came in mind.
"its A's dad. he had another stroke attack."
in an instant, i asked the cab driver to take the u-turn in quezon avenue.
10 minutes after, i saw myself pushing the cafeteria's door and saw them laughing. if i didn't notice A's eyes wet and almost sore, i would think that its one of their silly pranks again (and if it was, its not a funny joke).
i took an empty chair near the wall, avoiding being in front of A.
"so what happened?"
"pwedeng mamaya na. hintayin na natin yung dalawa. hirap kayang magkwento at umiyak. magastos sa mascarra."
i laughed. relieved knowing she can still joke.
there were 8 of us in the table, another two were on their way.
but upon looking at them, i realized its been 4 years since we have been friends. despite the fact, that we came from different institutions and back grounds (five of us were from UP, another from Ateneo and a muslim from UE); we are no longer in the same school; and things have drastically changed, we are still intact and going.
in a way, i can say that we were no longer the same individuals 4 years ago. Four in the group, later became lovers. while k brought his new boy friend, who also happens to be his supervisor. the other two also have their dates and girlfriends with them. in short, it was as if there was on going multiple dates, from which i was the Nth wheel.
after a while, the two guys from La Sallle finally arrived and asked us to go else where for dinner. we decided to hit bite club in katipunan extension.
There, A told us what happened. she was already crying and more tears rushed down when she told us that they need to decide whether to proceed with an open brain operation to remove the clot that appeared in his dad's right brain or just opt in medication that would hoepfully melt the clot. both would be risky and would not assure anything.
everyone became speechless.
with no expertise in medicine, all of us tried contacting our separate contacts for advise and consulted it to A.
she would tell us her decision by the next morning.
then her partner arrived together with other folks from alabang. they were all lesbians. yes, A's partner is a girl. among all the relationships she had gone, this is the first time she commited to a fellow woman, and quitely honestly, they were damn serious about it that they even had their names inked in their bodies.
it was never an issue for us. in fact, she would even consult us rather than her other close friends whenever they are in the rocks; even the boys. we (A nd I) never thought they would give such advises for they are seldom silent.
then suddenly, the limelight was switched on me.
"ikaw, kelan ka ba may ipapakilala sa amin. ikaw na lang ang walang pinapakilala sa atin ah."
it was just then that i have realized that within the group, i am the only one who is currently single and not dating anyone.
there, i saw everyone's attention turning into me as if the same realization just dropped on their heads.
"ang dami-dami mong alam tungkol sa lovelife namin pero kami walang kaalam-alam tungkol sa iyo."
i felt something blinking inside me; alerting and reminding me that i just do not like this kind of attention.
"hindi ko alam. nahihiya daw SILA."
"eh bakit may sing-sing ka sa ring finger."
i lift my right hand "left kaya yung iniisip mo. eto nasa right!"
"eh bakit ngayon mo lang sinuot yan?"
"first year pa lang tayo, suot ko na ito. huwag kasi puro mukha ko lang tinitignan niyo."
laughter grew louder; from there i took advantage of changing the topic.
i remember the times when i was still seeing someone and they would invite me for dinner. i was dying to bring my date with me and comfortablly introduce the date to them. but its the uncertainty of how they would react that made me really scared. so i didn't and that fear grew in me.
later our bond went deeper and we have learned so many things from each other, i realized that i am still no longer comfortable with the idea.
perhaps, because there are just things that you do not really have to disclose. and such decision should also not have any bearing with your friendship. its just that, i have realized that regardless of acceptance, there are just things that we need to keep private. people and things that we need to keep to ourselves, regardless how selfish it may sound.
though i am not closing doors. i am still open with the possiblity that perhaps, someday.
but for now,
maghahanap muna ako ng proproblemahin at ira-rationalize ko! hahahaha...