the night the table speaks

No started the night by asking Yes: "given a chance, would you still choose in being gay or would you opt in being straight?"

everyone in our table became quiet. the sudden silence signalled the night, that they actually made a deep thought about it.

Yes answered, "i am sticking with my decision. I would still choose in being gay."

"but hey, is being gay even a decision?" No exclaimed.

"i don't think so," veto immediately replied back.

"but i believe it is," confirm rebutted.

then the table was divided into two and a fruitful conversation started. some argued, including myself ofcourse. while some chose to be silent and just listened what they have to say.

No said, "i would rather choose to be straight because its easier. living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha." i already saw people aghasting but No continued. " i just think its easier. you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight. plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

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and the discussion went on until the wee hours of dusk.

personally, i believe that being gay is a choice rather than a fate.

but i know that by saying this, many will argue. some will say that if we opt in recognizing it as a decision, it gives an impression that it can also be wrong; that it can be revoked or can even be cured.

but deciding in being gay is not always an instant decision. it doesn't come out from kissing, having sex (and actually enjoyed it) nor admiring someone of the same sex. its a product of vast array of relevant experiences.

you see, all of us are born heterosexual by default. as we grow old, we acquire certain traits and behaviors from the experiences we meet along the way. and by the time we reach our maturity, we are then expected to conform to what our society dictates, or for most, expects: boys are to girls and girls are to boys.

but if an individual feels hesitant about entertaining the norm, then another perspective comes in: another option arises;homosexuality. this is where it becomes a decision. but then again its not an easy jump off.

just like any life decisions, it requires a lot of thinking: to either take the accepted option or opt in taking the route of what an individual believes he belongs.

in a way, i understand where No was coming from and basically i think that there are a million reasons why living a homosexual life is always difficult.

"...living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha."

practically, a family is believed to be vital in promoting social and personal security, especially at times when one reaches the later part of his/her life. but for an individual whose such right is either prohibited or unexpected, a homosexual is left with no other choice but to doubt what is ahead of him/her.

i think, in a personal level, the notion of a family is still chained against the conventional picture of what a heterosexual family is; that it should always have a father, a mother and child/ren. that is why, for most (aside from having offspring/s of their own), homosexual partners trying to build a family also problematize and struggle who will play the assigned familial roles. eventhough, (both) partners are not comfortable with it.

i never believe that an individual needs a family to secure himself of his future. for me, its basically how you live your life. how many friends you've gained and kept? how many goals you have acomplished? how many people you've made a difference and who will be with you at the end?

"you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight."

ofcourse, everything changes when your family is put in the picture. it might not be as easy as reading this entry, but i think it should not hinder one from being who they really are and in saying so, being who they really are makes them a better person.

i think its about time for parents to realize that being gay nowadays, is different from the image of the gay they grew up with. that the diversity of being a homosexual is just like being any heterosexual, that they are not boxed in a single stereotype. that they can also live and suceed with life, for there being gay maybe different from what we were used to but it should not be considered as a life impairment nor a disability.

"plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

honestly, among all the arguements No raised, it was on this line i was moved the most.

when i got the chance to know the first gay couple who got married in baguio city through the blessing of the sacred union, it gave me hope that gay marriage could actually work in the country. but when i recently heard that they just broke up, i admit it broke my heart too. but not my hope. call me idealistic, but for me, as long as i can see gay and lesbian couples who are struggling to keep their relationships going despite the prejudices and doubts people are throwing against them, i will never stop believing.

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living a gay life is indeed difficult. but who said life is easy? regardless, if you are gay or not, life is always harsh. but these difficulties are inevitable and at the same time important for us to realize and appreciate the lifetime we had by the time we reach the ends of our own separate roads.