paradox: ang sobrang "aksyon" sa senado

isang araw sa loob ng senado, todo nagpapicture ako! oo kasi first time ko.

habang busy sa kahahanap ng pwedeng pag pikturan may isang sulok doon na sobrang kinagulat ko...

BULAGA!!!

honorable LITO LAPID.

shocking!!!

senador pala natin siya?

sobrang shock lang po. pasensiya na! kung sino man ang may alam kung ano ang nagawa niya sa kanyang SIX, yes ANIM na taon sa posisyon, pakimessage naman po sa entry na ito?

Hayyy, di ako maka move on...

matuloy na nga lang ang pag cacam whore... uy si KESO!!! aaaahhh!

bed thoughts

when rationality is at its peak, its the emotions that fail.

ofcourse, how many times have we heard that everything should be in balance and something in excess is dangerous? but are rationality and emotions something measurable? or how can we even know if one is ahead of the other?

for the past days, i have been swarmed with so many thoughts to the point that i just found myself thinking about them. paralyzing, if i may say. futile, perhaps. and absolutely depressing.

then one morning, i woke up without anything to do, damn stubborn getting out my bed. and out of nowhere i asked myself, when was the last time i cried? for a second, it amazes me to know that i can't even remember it anymore (yan ang tunay na lalaki, my ass!). but eventually, i felt a bit alarmed with the idea. thus, i tried asking myself again, when was the last time i giggled over a romance movie or a book i read? when was the last time i uttered sweet nothings to people dear to me? when was the last time i genuinely got scared because of the loss of someone?

i was just literally there, thinking. trying to recall these things. i felt literally loss because of the absence of answers. then i realized, probably,if we tend to keep on rationalizing almost everything in our lives we end up being numbed about it. and that is as good as an appliance with purpose but without fun.

i admit, i am a person that is so weak when it comes to his feelings. that is why i tend to rationalize things up in order to have a harder shell. but in doing so, i end up just tough outside but empty in the core.

i have thought perhaps if i lavish myself with things without thinking about them to much, whether i'll be happy or get hurt in the end, then atleast i have felt something.

but oh yes, father, i have done the worst so far inorder to feed that craving: to feel something again, i have literally alienated myself in doing something i should have not done in the first place. something very stupid.

but i have realized how A is dear to me. how A cared despite everything that we have gone through. that A chose not to inflict the pain that i am asking simply because A knows i am more than that person i am trying to be that time.

at the end, i have learned that there is nothing wrong with lowering our guards as long as we are wise and responsible enough in owning our actions.

sigh.

now back to my regular programming.

It's Complicated... indeed

It's Complicated (the Buhol-buhol Trilogy)

June 24, 2009: 3PM

Cultural Center of the Philippines, Pasay City

Isang clerk, isang sales lady, isang binubugbog na asawa at isang puta.

Ano ang bago sa kwento nila?

Wala.

Dahil tulad natin, pare-pareho din silang umiibig, umibig at iibig muli, sa kabila ng sakit at mga komplikasyon nito.

Walang "bagong kwento", ika nga ni Roland Tolentino. Subalit nagbabago lamang ito upang maging isang "magandang kwento" batay sa kung papaano natin sila bibihisan at titignan sa ating kanya-kanyang mga konteksto. Ito ang napagtagumpayan ng Virgin Labfest sa CCP kahapon at marahil sa susunod pa na mga araw.

Sa kabuuan, ang araw ay naging isang selebrasyon ng iba't-ibang kwentong pag-ibig ng mga kabit, solong ina at puta: ng mga babaeng malayo sa nosyon natin ng pagiging BABAE at ng mga relasyong hindi katanggap-tanggap. inshort, Its (Immorally) Complicated.

Para akong kumain sa isang Chinese restaurant ng araw na iyon. Ang kaibahan lang unang sinerve ang dessert: Bochi-Bochi. Bochi (para sa Salise) at Bochi uli (para sa Mamanugangin ni Rez). Matamis subalit walang laman. Animoy intensyon lamang ng unang dalawang palabas, ang kilitiin ang kanyang manunuod. Binabad sa mga cliche na kwento at winili sa katatawa subalit may pagtangkang manggulat sa bawat dulo. Unfortunately, hindi ito naging sapat upang sabihing matagumpay (?).

Then here comes the last play o ang main course, So Sangibo A Ranon Na Piyatay O Satiman A Tadman. Matapos kang purgahin sa kakatawa, bigla kang babagsakan ng isang heavy meal sa harap mo nang hindi mo inaasahan.

Breathless at kahanga-hanga ang paglilok ng direktor at manunulat sa panahon at consciousness ng bawat karaker sa kwento. Parang lighter version ng In the Mood for Love ni Wong Kar Wai. Pinagpira-piraso ang bawat eksena at hinabi muli sa isang chronologically-erratic pero lohikal na ayos. Hindi ka pababayaan at lalong hindi ka mawawala. Bagkus, nakatulong ito upang lubos mong maintindihan ang kwento at marinig ang mga linyang pinagsisisihang hindi sabihin (the unsaid) ng karakter noong may pagkakataon siyang sabihin ito.

Sa dulo, winner at victorious ang double twist dahil aakalain mong ang twist ay nasa loob lamang ng bawat dula. Pero sa pagdilim ng entablado at pag-uwi mo sa inyo, doon mo marerealize na ang tunay na twist pala ay nasa kwentong binuo sa dulo ng tatlong kwento mismo: na ang mga komplikasyon sa mga kwentong pag-ibig na gaya nito, na madalas kutyain at pagtawanan ay isang seryosong bagay na dapat intindihin at unawain dahil lahat naman tayo ay mangingibig rin. Nagkataon lang na may kanya-kanya tayong mga kwento, luma man o bago.

*

I want to thank my sponsor for the free ticket, Gibbs Cadiz! you're the man, zobrah! hahaha.

three way relationship: hindi lang basta orgy

"sana dalawa ang puso ko...

di na sana kailangan pa'ng pumili sa inyo."

lumaki ako na pinakikinggan ang kantang ito ni ogie alcasid. at madalas ito din ang kinakanta ko kapag may family reunion kami. siyempre P100 muna mula sa mga tito at tita, before i sing. oo, bata pa lang ako businessminded at performer na ako sa ibabaw ng dining table namin. ngayon, sa ibang ibabaw na ako nagpeperform--- 'di biro lang.

siyempre, napakainosente ko pa noon, pagdating sa mga bagay na ganito. saka na lang nung nagpatuli ako at pwede nang makabuntis, nang unti-unting kong naintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng kanta. sabayan ba naman ng broken heartedness from your first puppy love at pag intindi sa pagkakomplikado ng pag-ibig habang kinakamot ang tumutubong pubic hair, bingi't bato ka na lang kung hindi pa ito ang all time favorite song mo.

sa pagiging masyadong imaginative, eksplorative at experimental ng mga tao, hindi na malayong magkaroon ng ganitong klaseng relasyon: kung meron ngang tao sa hayop, fucking doll, puno, uod, alupihan, alakdan, buto ng chessa (na mukhang tae kapag nasagasaan) at kung anu-ano pa, hindi na malayo kung sa multiple partners. ika nga nila, the more, the merrier.

pero merrier nga ba talaga? posible bang may tatlong tao ang mahal ang isa't isa ng sabay-sabay? at kung ganun nga ba talaga kadali iyon? naisip ko, mahirap na nga ang magmahal ng isang tao, papaano pa kaya kung dalawa? multi-tasking pa.

sa panahon ngayon, wala na atang imposible. pero meron pa ding mga tinatawag na mga anak ng diyos.

doon ko biglang naalala si abdel, isang kaklaseng muslim nung college. pero iba naman ang kaso niya, dahil may dalawa siyang asawa at pareho nilang mahal siya. kunbaga, dalawang babae na nagmamahal sa iisang lalaki.

please, don't be confuse. dahil hindi yun ang tinutumbok ko, naalala ko lang kaya ko nakwento. ang punto ko ay kung pwede bang may tatlong tao, na nagmamahalan ng sabay-sabay. yung tipong mahal ni A si B, mahal din ni B si C at mahal din ni C si A.

UNLESS...

bisexual ang dalawang asawa ni abdel. tsktsk! siya pala ang AN ultimate anak ng diyos. kaya naman pala hindi tumaba-taba ang kaibigan kong iyon.

hanggang isang araw, halos pumalakpak ang wepaks ng kaibigan ko habang binabalita sa akin na taken na daw siya. finally, akala na kasi namin kelangan pa namin hintayin ang muling pagbabalik ng mga dinosaurs sa mundo bago ulit madiligan ang tigang at bumibitak-bitak ng lupa ng san fernando, pampanga.

dahil matagal-tagal nawalan ng booking ang aking kaibigan, hindi naging madali para sa kanya ang muling bumalik sa commitment track. wala din kasing fireworks at MGA tingkerbells nang huli siyang nakipaghiwalay sa kanyang dating karelasyon. hindi din naman naging madugo o bayolente. bagkus, napuno lang siya ng mga floating bubbles sa kanyang paligid. yung tipong kung kelan amaze na amaze na siya at parang lumilipad na sa gaan, biglang isa-isa na lang silang pumutok at biglang naglah ang mga iyono. hindi man lamang niya napaghandaan ni hindi man lamang siya nakapagpaalam.

to make the story short, naging masyadong cautious si friend sa kanyang current relationship, to the point na prini-empt o inunahan na niya ang tadhana. nag offer siya ng suggestion o opinion sa kanyang karelasyon dahil sa takot na baka masaktan muli for the Nth time.

ano ang sinuggest ni friend?

tama! natumbok mo!

pinili niyang maging alagad ng simbahan.

di joke lang!

sinuggest niya ang isang open relationship na set up. buti na lang hindi bumula ang bibig ng karelasyon nang sinabi niya iyon.

ang punto marahil ni friend, at least sa ganitong set up, kahit makipagkita man ang karelasyon niya sa iba, hindi ganoon kasakit dahil at least napaghandaan mo na ang sarili mo na pwede itong mangyari. jerjer all you want basta at the end of the day, alam mo kung kanino ka uuwi.

pero ang hindi alam ni friend, taliwas dito ang iniisip ng karelasyon niya. ang dating sa karelasyon, hindi seryoso ang kaibigan ko, na naisip niyang pumasok sa ganitong anyo upang majustify ang kati-kiri ni friend, na sa katotohonan naman ay mas mayumi pa sa mga mongha ng sta.clara.

tumbling-split ang dalawa. buti na lang at nagkapaliwanagan.

sabi ko na lang, it takes so much maturity for someone to put themselves in such relationship, na hindi naman din base sa edad. it takes a lot of experience to fully understand and equip yourself with it. tipong, you can't harvest anything without cultivating it first. considering nagsisimula pa lang sila. dagdag ko pa, just seize the moment, ienjoy niyo lang kung anong meron kayo. don't expect so you won't get frustrated and love as if you're falling inlove for the first time again. and above all, yes, mahilig din ako sa mga cheesy romantic movies.

kinabukasan, mineet ko si odin at blackrabbit sa GJ na hinihintay si john lloyd. habang naghihintay sa pag ibig na animoy hindi darating, binigyan nila ako ng ideya para may masulat. bigla ko tuloy naisip ang isang weird at crazy idea, siguro dala na din ng isang linggong deprivation sa porn at kelangan ko na din isipin ang sarili kong lupain sa sorsogon.

what if both of them fell inlove with the same person at the same time. and this person happen to love them too, at the same time. andami pong love at time, ano po?

pero paano nga? is it possible? sa hinaba-haba ng post na ito, ngayon ko lang sasagutin ang tanong ko kanina.

cliche man, love is the most abstract thing in the world and being abstract it is not constraint with just two persons alone. hindi man ito ang inaasahan o pinapangarap ng marami sa atin bilang ang kanilang love story, posible pa din mangyari ito sa atin. dahil wala din naman kahit isa sa atin ang magsasabing nagkatotoo ang pinapangarap nilang lovestory, exactly as they want them to be.

oo, hindi ito madali. napakahirap nito kaya madalas nasasabi nating imposible. subalit naisip ko, na minsan marami din sa atin ang nagsabing imposible na darating ang panahon na magkakaroon ng same-sex relationship at marriage, na imposibleng magbuntis ang lalaki, na pumuti ang uwak, na magkaroon ng baklang alimango at na bibilhin ang tubig at hangin.

sa panahon ngayon o maging sa hinaharap, wala na halos imposible. at sa ganitong klaseng relasyon basta handa ang bawat karakter ng may bukas na pananaw, aware at rinerespeto ang pangangailangan ng bawat isa, tingin ko posible siyang mangyari.

katunayan, meron na ding mga taong pumapaloob dito. malay mo yang katabi mo, isa sa mga kaibigan, nakasalubong mo kanina sa daan o maging kamag anak.

hindi mo lang alam.

nagbabago ang lahat ng bagay, maging ang emosyon at relasyon nag-eevolve din kasabay ng ating sariling mga pagbabago. siguro ang importante lang, maging mapagpamatiyag tayo, maging bukas at magkaroon ng respeto para dito dahil malay mo, sa iyo pa pala pwedeng mangyari ito.

***pictures taken from the movies, shortbus and wildside.

letter in the closet

dear dad,

perhaps, just like me, you are freaking out with this idea that i am writing you a letter. i thought of stripping down all the silence and hesitations we have had for the longest time, just for a change.

i grew up half of my life without you around since you have to work abroad to provide us with descent life and education. when i was a kid that i forgot how you look like and i would mistook my uncles or any male adult visitors as you. then mom would immediately call you and inform you about this.

one rare morning, i woke with you sleeping beside me with arms tightly wrapped around me. i cried so loud that moment, i think the loudest i ever cried. i ran towards mom's warm embrace seeking for refuge against you, who i thought was a hostile stranger. she then introduced you as my father. looking at your face felt like i was staring at my own reflection. then the resemblance confirmed everything.

the following memories were probably the only clear pictures i have of our father and son bonding. you taught me how to ride my first bike, play basketball and help me build my first buildings out of my lego blocks. i also remember crying whenever you would go to your friends and other relatives without me tagging along. I would cry all day long until you come back home. i also remember you teaching me my first prayer and even my first pretty boy posed, that i would forever regret doing.

we were almost inseparable. it was always a picture of you and me. me being your mini-you.

then one morning, i woke up again without you beside me. mom told me that you just went out to visit some relatives. but you didn't come back that day. no tears fell from my eyes, just a longing feeling of your warm smile and embrace.

years swiftly went by. i gained many recognitions from school with only mom around. but your face never left me again. until one day, i opened the door seeing you standing infront of it. your picture was not as tall as the last time i remembered it. we were almost of the same height. it was as if an immediate response to hold your hand and softly press it on my forehead. then you immediately went in and called for mom and my other siblings, something different from what i have long expected.

when grandpa died, you've decided not to go back abroad and tried politics instead. then you decided to bring me to bicol to pursue highschool there. my first year in bicol was the loneliest year of my life because for such young age, i had to endure homesickness alone and the difficulty of adjusting and meeting new friends since you're always not around. but you never knew this. when the rest of the family followed the next year, we had countless quarrels about almost everything. i was almost on the verge of rebelling just because of the simple reason that i was jealous of other people: for me, you were always there for them but not for your own son.

when i decided to go to baguio to pursue college, you took the initiative to drive me there. honestly, it made me smile. i taught, you would advise me of the things i need to know along the way. but you still remained silent all throughout the trip. we made a stop in manila to get some rest. but when we were about to continue the other half, you broke the news that you won't be able to come to baguio because of some reasons. you dropped me off infront of the bus terminal and i went to baguio all by myself. no place to stay and no person i know. it was one of my most challenging adventures. but luckily, i survived.

during my four years stay there, i learned how to be completely independent, in exception of financial matters ofcourse. and then when i went back home for my first semestral break, you saw me as an entirely different man. i grew my curly hair long, having a built as thin as the bamboo trees in our backyard, and wearing a rugged attire that is dirtier than the damp clothes we have in the kitchen. for the first time ever, you broke your silence and scolded me about how i ran my life. i completely understood where you were coming from, knowing the expectations most parents bestow to their eldest child especially if it is the eldest son. but instead of feeling down, i felt glad because for the first time again, i caught your attention.

when i graduated college, it was only mom (again) who accompanied me on the stage. you just waited for us outside until the ceremony ended. when we were heading back home, i told you i am thinking of taking up law. i saw the slight surprised in your face. for i knew, you always wanted to have a lawyer son. so i pursued it. but working and studying fulltime struck its toll on me until i decided to file my LOA the next year. even without words, i knew, it broke your heart.

now, without any work and no longer in lawschool, i am having problems calling you up today to greet you a happy father's day. for we both knew, that we have an ego or pride that is as high as the empire state building. mana ako sa iyo, eh. same reason why you can't scold me because you see yourself in me when you were in my age (atleast based from my mom).

but i promise you, which is also the true intention of this letter, that someday you will also be proud of me, with the decisions i made or will make, regardless how different it is from yours and other people's expectations: and that you will realize that even in your silence, that maybe different from what other parents do to their children, you have raised us well, that we have learned to love you that way and will always be proud of having a dad like you.

as i end this letter, i want you to know that you may not be the perfect father in the world, but you will always be the perfect father for us. and eventhough i may not be the son that you always wanted, i can still be the best child that you will always be proud of and forever be grateful having.

dad, happy father's day.

from your mini you,

me.

***

manong, kahit di mo sabihin, alam ko tatay ka at feeling ko wala din sa iyong babati dahil kung meron nasaan sila?

kaya happy father's day, manong! kahit ako na lang...

Ang Paghahanap

Pangalan pa lang ng bar, may ideya ka na kungsaan maaring magsimula at magtapos ang lahat.

Sa lugar na gaya nito, nakakatuwang isipin na kung saan madilim duon naghahanap ang mga tao. Subalit ang mas nakapagtataka, maging sila hindi din nila alam kung ano ang kanilang hinahanap.

Hindi na bago sa ganitong lugar si Frank. Halos tahanan na nga niya kung ituring ang madilim na establisamentong ito, na nakatayo sa tagong sulok ng Maynila. At lalong hindi na din bago sa kanya ang mga kalakarang nagaganap sa loob. Kung tutuusin, dito na siya namulat sa halos lahat ng dapat niyang malaman tungkol sa kanyang buhay, sa buhay na pinili niya. Maliban na lamang sa isa, ang magmahal ng tunay.

source

Minsan nang may nagsabi kay Dale, Malate is not the place to find love. Subalit para sa binata, may choice pa ba siya kungsaan pwedeng makita ito? Ilang beses na din siyang naniwala sa pagitan ng malalakas na tunog ng speakers at umiyak sa ilalim ng nakakasilaw na flasher at laser lights. Subalit sa dulo, naniniwala pa din siya dahil yun na lang ang bukod tanging pinanghahawakan niya--- ang tanging pinaniniwalan niya.

Sa gitna ng dance floor, nagtagpo ang pawisang katawan nina Frank at

Dale. Sumasayaw sa nakabibinging tugtog at umiindak sa halimuyak ng kanilang pinaghalong mga pawis. Kinabig ni Frank ang katawan ni Dale palapit. Samantalang halos abutin naman ni Dale ang mga labi ng kasayaw na parang tinutuksong idadampi. Di nagtagal, naglaban ang malakas na tugtog at palitan ng mga halos hindi marinig na mga salita. Habang ginagalugad naman at pilit na kinikilala ng kanilang mga palad ang isa’t isa. Tinapos nila ang gabing iyon na magkahawak ang kamay at ang pangako nang muling pagkikita.

Napadalas ang pagkikita ni Frank at Dale, matapos ang gabing iyon. Kasabay nang unti-unting pagkahulog nila sa isa't isa ay ang unti-unti din nilang paglayo sa lugar na iyon. Hanggang sa tuluyan natapos ang kanilang paghahanap.

Di nagtagal, nagdesisyon ang dalawa na magsama at naging masaya naman ang kanilang pagsasama. subalit sa relasyong meron sila, sapat ba ang pagmamahal lamang? Dito pumasok ang panibagong paghahanap: Ang paghahanap sa kung sino ang gagampan na lalaki at babae papel sa kanilang pagsasama? Sa kanilang relasyon? Sa pakikipagtalik? O kung kailangan nga ba talaga ito?

Ang problema, parehong top sina Frank at Dale. At kahit mahal man nila ang isa't-isa, walang gustong magparaya upang gampanan ang tinuturing na babaeng papel sa pakikipagtalik. Noong una, pinilit nilang hindi maging malaking sagka iyon sa kanilang relasyon. Pinilit nilang maging kontento sa pwedeng ibigay at matanggap, para at mula sa isa't isa. Subalit kalauna'y unti-unting linalamon nang monotonya ang kanilang relasyon. Hanggang isang gabi, nagpumilit si Dale na pasukin ang kasintahan, na labis namang dinamdam ni Frank. Tuluyang nagliyab ang kanilang mga tinagong baga. Hanggang sa tuluyang nagkalamat ang kanilang pagsasama.

Totoo nga ata, na minsan, kahit ang problema sa kama gumagapang sa bawat sulok ng bahay. Hindi na muling nagluto si Frank para sa kanila at panay na lamang ang order niya sa labas. Samantalang si Dale naman ay nagsimula na din dalhin ang kanilang damit sa laundry shop at hindi na muling nagpresentang labhan ang damit nila. Hanggang sa napabayaan na din ng dalawa maging ang paglilinis ng bahay. Napadalas ang kanilang pag-aaway at hindi pagkakaunanawaan. Hindi nagtagal tuluyang linamon ng lamat ang kanilang relasyon hanggang sa isang araw napagpasiyahan na ni Frank na umalis at iwan si Dale.

source

Walang gabing hindi umiyak ang dalawa sa kani-kanilang kinaroroonan. Pilit na inaalala o linilimot ang mga bagay na minsan ay nagpasaya at pinahalagahan nila. Umasang aanurin din ng kanilang mga luha ang mga iyon.

Nagsimulang bumalik si Frank sa malate. Inisip na mag umpisa muli sa parehong lugar, kungsaan siya nagsimula. Samantalang ipinangako naman ni Dale na hindi na muling tutungtong sa lugar na iyon, na hindi na muling aasa.

Pinilit na kalimutan ni Frank ang lahat sa pamamagitan ng pakikipagtalik sa iba't ibang lalaking nakikilala niya doon. Habang si Dale naman ay sinubukan ang mundo ng Internet chatting, at maging sex eyeball. Subalit kahit anong gawin nila, patuloy silang sinusundan ng mga larawan ng isa’t isa.

Hanggang isang gabi, linamon ng depresyon at alak si Frank. at isang kasayaw ang nagdala sa kanya sa isang kalapit na motel. Walang mahanap na lakas ang binata upang pigilan ang kasama. Hanggang sa pinilit ipasok ng lalaki ang kanyang ari sa pwerta ng lasing na binata. Halos mawalan siya ng ulirat sa sobrang sakit. Halos hindi mo na din masabi kung ano ang mas malakas ang pag agos: kung ang luha ba mula sa kanyang mata o ang dugo sa kanyang likuran.

Subalit animoy hindi naririnig ng lalaki ang pagsusumamo ng binata. Nagpatuloy ang paghagod sa likod ni Frank hanggang sa nawalan na lang siyang nang pakiramdam at malay. Nagising na lamang si Frank na mag isa sa bakanteng kwartong iyon, wala na ang lalaki pero patuloy pa din ang pagtulo ng kanyang luha at pagdugo ng kanyang pagkatao.

source

Hindi napigilan ni Dale ang sarili na yakapin nang mahigpit si Frank nang makita ito pagbukas ng pinto. Halos hindi natigil ang kanyang pagluha ng maramdaman muli sa pagitan ng kanyang mga bisig ang dating kasintahan. Sinimulang siilin ng mga halik ni Dale ang kayakap upang punan ang kanyang pangungulila. Subalit wala pa ding imik si Frank, pinatahimik nang nagpupuyos na galit ang kanyang pananabik na makita din si Dale.

Inakay nila ang isa't isa patungo sa kwarto hanggang sa ibabaw ng kama na isang panig lamang ang may bahagyang gusot. Marahas nilang tinanggal ang saplot ng isa't isa at sa unang pagkakataon ay nagpakita ng pag-ubaya si Dale. nagulat si Frank. Subalit nabulag siya ng bugso ng kanyang magkakahalong damdamin.

Marahas niyang inangkin ang ipinaubaya. Kungsaan imping namang tiniis ni Dale ang bawat pagbayo nang nakapatong. halos mawalan din siya ng ulirat sa sakit at gusto na niya sanang ihinto. pero tiniis niya ito. Subalit nang nagsimulang tumulo ang kanyang luha, naramdaman din niya ang biglang pagbagsak ni Frank sa kanyang dibdib. Dito sila nagsimulang humagulgol.

Nang gabing iyon, kahit walang salitang pumunit sa malamig na hangin ng silid, natapos ang magdamag na sila'y magkayakap, dala ang panibagong katotohanan na kanila muling nahanap.

i am...

[Intro]
Oh yeah yes
La da day, la da day
La da da da da oh

[Verse 1]
Thinkin' how the story goes
You're helpless and I'm wishin'
Put the film inside my mind
But there's a big scene that I'm missin'
As I re-read my lines
I think I said this, I should've said that
Did you edit me out of your mind
'Cos in a flash you had disappeared, gone (gone)
Before the curtain falls
And we act this out again
Maybe I should risk it all and state

[Chorus]
That I'm officially going on the record
To say I'm in love with you
I'm officially everything you hope that I would be
This time I'll tell the truth
I'm officially wrong I know
For letting you go the way I did
Unconditionally more than I ever was before
I'm officially yours
La da day, la da day
La da da da da oh

[Verse 2]
Travellin' down this road again
Gotta make a few decisions
Don't want you to feel this hurt again
That's why I'm hopin' that you'll listen
If you let me press rewind
I'll rehearse every word I should have said
'Cos boy I'm ready to make things right
Here on this stage so we can move on (on)
And before the curtain falls
And we act this out again
Missin' pieces I'll resolve so stay

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge]
Things I should have said
Like I appreciate the time that I spend with you
Inspire me with the smile I put on your pretty face
My world comes alive, now I know (now I know it babe)
This time I'm not letting go
'Cos I'm officially yours (oh oh)

[Repeat Chorus]

I'm officially going on the record
To say I'm in love with you
I'm officially everything you hope that I would be
This time I'll tell the truth
I'm officially wrong I know
For letting you go the way I did
Unconditionally more than I ever was before

[Outro]
Boy I'm unconditionally yours (oh yeah)
Officially yours, your man (La da day, la da day, la da day)
Boy I'm unconditionally yours (La da da da da oh)
Officially yours, I am

Boy I'm unconditionally yours (listen what I'm tryna say)
Officially yours, your man (oh oh)
Boy I'm unconditionally yours

Officially yours, I am

wanted txtmate: making yourself be heard by just a simple click

wanderer (in facebook): doing something worthwhile: helping a cause. no to additional text tax. save your textlife, save your textmates. follow niyo na ito: http://www.facebook.com/pages/TXTm8/90402782830?ref=ts

Website:

http://txtmate.wordpress.com

Kabuuang-ideya sa Kumpanya:

Initially conceptualized as a paper of a law student, TXTm8 has morphed itself into an organization of sorts. Its aim is to have the National Telecommunications Commission (NTC) ignore the recently proposed tax on text while pushing for lower access charges. Issues and updates on the same will be made here and on the official TXTm8 website.

Misyon:

Increase market competition in the telecommunications industry in the Philippines. Stop the Smart-Globe duopoly by ignoring the Tax on Text and implementing Lower Access Charges.

Mga produkto:

End-goal: less than P3.00/min for inter-network voice calls, less than P0.50 per SMS. Why? Because other countries can do it, because the NTC has existing draft memorandum circulars addressing the same, and more importantly, because market competition would thrive if this situation was fact rather than fiction.

but on a serious note, in a way, something in me was awaken. i felt like for the first time again, i am completely bringing back my old self. the one who goes to rallies and mobilizations when he was in college.

ironically, i like my old self better than what i am now. i like doing something more productive than sitting on a fancy coffeeshop or restaurant and enjoying my cup of coffee. i miss the long walks, the sleepless and tiring nights doing prod works and basically crying out and making people aware of their rights.

as i recall those days, i realized how young i was back then, still innocent, naive and idealistic. and probably still believing that life is as simple as rallying or boycotting something in order to get a collective purpose. but then i realized, that despite those things, one thing i could be proud of, that i also regret losing, was i stood up for what i believed in.

thus, as simple and as realistic as that, i made this post. hoping that i regain it back and at the same time move other people too.

come to think of it, nowadays, we don't really need to tire our feet nor empty our throats off in order to voice out our concerns. it is basically just a click away in order to be heard and make other people know that we are completely aware and we are willing to make a stand.

having my point heard, its now your call, http://www.facebook.com/pages/TXTm8/90402782830?ref=ts

ambition: within a month vacation

More than a decade ago, when someone ask me what my ambition is, it would be one of two

things, either an architect or an astronaut. for some reasons, it was always an easy an automatic response. who didn't want to be an astronaut when he was a kid?

but years had passed, changes had occured without my notice and that ambition began to blur until it completely vanished from sight and now, i am trying to avoid the question.

exactly a month ago, i resigned from my previous company and promised myself to never apply in the

same industry again. i have decided to live my life all over and tried catching up all the friends and things i have missed. i gave myself a month as a vacation, thinking to start everything fresh.

week one:

i had one of my favorite comfort food--- banana split, which i haven't tried for the longest time in harbor square with a couple of new found friends. it was also the same night when i had a worthwhile conversation again for a very long time. i was surprised on how long we've talked over a single order of the parlor's highly

recommended german choco banana split (with a dash of pinoy), being shared

by the three of us.

from discussing the question, do you think with

how endless the universe is, there is life outside earth? to what is your deep

darkest secret?

it was also on the same week that i have decided to start seeing someone and guess what we had on our first date? yes, it is also another banana split, minus the figurative image that you have running inside your head. you should have known by now that i am, oh sooo, (w)holesome, right?

watched startrek, which was the initial plan. then it turned to consoling a friend who had iss

ues with the person he like, just to know three weeks after, they were already happily together.

had lunch with a fellow resignee, who will be going and staying in a remote fishing village in samar for good and will live a life completely different from what he grew up. for what? to live with his real family from which he will meet for the first time.

i accidentally broke my aquarium and was forced to buy a bigger aquarium which was not part of my budget plan, if i happen to have one.

cellphone just died out, another unexpected slash in my pocket. with only a couple hundreds left in my pocket. i decided to upgrade my psp and downloaded games, another attempt in making myself happy.

dined in marinara, metrowalk with a couple of friends, who were craving for crispy spinach. out of luck, it happened to be out of stock as well.then dined in the same restaurant the next night with more friends looking for the same dish.

watched ded na si lolo, that gave a me one great laugh after a very long time. i just missed that taste of the 90s comedy and reaffirmd my respect to roderick paulate.

week two:

dined in mexicalli, robinsons place manila. then looked for a gift for dave's birthday.

met a couple of baguio friends and attended another friend's party for his daughter's first birthday in windmills and rainforest in timog. there, i also met a long lost close classmate and servicemate from primary school. he also happened to be good friends with my baguio friends.

after the party, i rushed to dave's birthday celebration in mandaluyong.

learned or atleast condition myself to play badminton again somewhere near robinson's pioneer.

attended the philip's blogger party in route 196, katipunan. it was my first blogger party, flowing with pizza, nachos and booze. i met a number of bloggers and bagged home a new mp3 player for free. not bad for my first blogger party, huh?

watched angels and demons with the person i am dating. it was also the first time we held hands. i let go after a couple of minutes thinking i might be rushing too fast.

dined in abe, serendra then had a couple or more bottles of beer in gerry's grill.

inuman with che and alvin in tomatokick, up village.

met up a former orgmate in trinoma and gave a life and career talk over a venti.

attended my best friend's comic book launching project for a NGO that helps filipino-japanese immigrant children. got a free copy and free lunch on the side. then had coffee in koppirotti with my best friend and her partner.

week three:

met my thesis partner and her boyfriend and started enlisting for our master units. enlisting meaning waiting and begging for professors to accept us in the class. that is what you get if you're too stubborn to do the pre-enlistment online before the deadline, of course.

accidentally met another blogger as well, during the enrollment--- deathnote. the day was not that gloomy, afterall.

supposed to meet a friend and someone in glorietta. but a taxi driver ruined my day by claiming he thought glorietta was same as galleria. i needed to go out of the taxi and ran towards galleria under a heavy rain and bustling traffic. i ended the day, meeting someone instead and bought fishes thinking it will cheer me up, which it did.

margarita night in makati. che flaunting her new found margarita mix. surprisingly, that was one of the best margaritta i tried and conversation we had, just like the old good days with abel, marx and jamie.

inuman in tomatobomb in xavierville, katipunan with former bedan blockmates: isko, karen and ysa. listened to isko, who claimed have been retained for another school year because of st.jude.

met someone around 5 in the morning. then had a breakfast buffet in libis, where we first met

moh's birthday in holycow, trinoma

went to school and enrolled myself, my brother and another friend. it was one of the most exhausting day i had after i resigned.

met a friend from baguio and had lunch in burgoo, gateway. the bill was something we didn't expect, so we maximized the free wifi instead and scanned various online social networks to talk about people from college.

toured a friend from baguio in divisoria, from which she later had panic attack because it was beyond what she have expected. then met another friend from tarlac there. but accidentally saw another friend from ilocos norte.

tristan's farewell party.

met a friend in gateway and watched drag me to hell. i went out of the cinema house laughing my guts out. surprised how he screamed in falcetto, jogged and jumped off his seat. it was ridiculously scary! i enjoyed the film but enjoyed his humiliation more. hahaha! peace out!

week four:

found a new wifi tambayan in megamall, blendz. there, i tried starting a story for an anthology. then watched, something within, with jepoi and joaqui, but just got frustrated.

lunch-turned-to-magdamagan inuman in mang jimmy's, diliman to celebrate a former bedan friend who got retained in law school for another year.

sharon's vegan birthday celebration, where i got acquainted with vegan hotdogs, that tasted like smoked tofu.

went to an art exhibit in whitespace, pasong tamo. it was my first art exhibit in manila and way different from the ones i've seen in baguio but in a way gave me an inspiration.

dined in gumbo in MOA just to know how tasty and huge their servings were.ofcourse that was before i knew how much they cost.

dined in banchetto, ortigas, where we figured we no longer have the energy to go home. thus we decided to check in eurotel in cubao.

i recalled all these, as i walked home. though my feet knew the road i was taking, in a way i felt lost. an unexplainable loneliness began to creep all over my body and consumed me. probably because for the first time again, i felt i was alone. but then i have thought all the friends and things i have met and done and how happy i have been for the past month.

i have lost the concept of time and date. ive lost track of all my expenses, from which i still don't know until now, where it came from: knowing i have no savings at all when i resigned. basically, i just busied myself from doing the things i want. i didnt hesitate when someone invite me over. no work, no pressure. but then i figured that life is not all about whims and decadence.but also of responsibilities and obligations. thus, i will start to take actions and tomorrow, someone will seriously look for a job. thinking of bravely trying other fields such advertising, marketing, education or events, or better yet to have atleast have an ambition that i could stand on, atleast, longer this time.

kapag lahat gusto maging bida

at the end, ink and paper, february 2008

ganito ata nga talaga sa maynila, magastos ang magkaroon ng kaibigan, lalo na nang makakausap

...nang nakikinig na kausap.

naniniwala ako na ang ugat ng lahat ng problema ng tao ay ang kawalan natin ng inisyatib na makinig. gusto natin lagi tayong pinakikinggan. gusto natin lagi tayo ang bida. feeling natin, tayo lang ang may problema, na mas mabigat ang ating problema. kaya siguro walang nagkakaintindihan. kasi lahat gusto magsalita. kasi lahat gustong mapakinggan. subalit hindi naman handang makinig.

minsan, naalala ko ang dati kong trainor. sabi niya, with his napakaarteng american accent. there is a big difference between hearing and listening. nang tinanong namin kung ano, its for us to find out daw.
dahil mahina ako sa ingles, trinanslate ko sa isip ko. saka ko nagets. malaki nga naman talaga ang kinaibahan ng naririnig sa nakikinig, di ba?

pansinin mo, kapag magkikita-kita kayong magkakaibigan, alamin mo kung sino ang tahimik na nakikinig lang. yung tipong hinding-hindi siya magbubutt-in kapag may taong nagsasalita. yung hahayaan niyang matapos ka sa gusto mong sabihin. panigurado kapag hiningi mo ang payo niya tungkol sa problema mo, siya lang ang makapagbibigay sa iyo ng pinakamaganda at desenteng sagot. kasi siya lang naman talaga ang nakinig sa iyo.
hay, naisip ko, ang mahal na nga magkaroon ng kaibigan dito. hindi mo pa alam kung makikinig pa siya sa iyo.

ang hirap talaga kapag lahat gustong maging bida.

a brother's worries

for most of us, we always think how is it like for someone to come out of his/her closet. we always symphatize to the burdens and foreseen consequences of the person coming out to his/her family. we have heard and shared stories of rejection, discrimination and even ostricization. but have you ever thought how is it like for their family to know that their son, daugher, sibling, mother, father, wife or husband is gay? and how they accept and deal with it?
earlier, cris, a close friend, privately talked to me while we were drinking in a popular dining place here in diliman. he told me he wanted my honest opinion about his problem with his sister.
cris is straight. although we were schoolmates from baguio, it was just when i studied in san beda that we became good friends.

he told me that her sister is frequently seeing this woman. at first, she introduced her as her best friend and often goes to their place. but suspicions arouse when he started catching them secretly holding hands, kissing and even locking the room alone together.

cris doesn't need his social sciences degree to know that his sister is a lesbian. although he admits it is still hard for him to accept this, the least thing that he could do is to accept and support where his sister finds herself and her happiness.

source

cris is a very intelligent person and perhaps one of the most open-minded straight people i have met. probably, if it was not him, i have already heard again the tiring worries of growing old alone, being ridiculed, discriminated and even hurt to name a few. but none of it spurred out in our conversation. nonetheless, it was the first time i have seen him that worried.

i have realized that admit or not it is always easier for us to be open-minded, liberal and accepting to things that are deemed socially inacceptable, as we give advises to our friends. but it is different and way harder, if it is one of our family member that is involved.

cris and his family are very close. thus, he is bothered if whether or not he needs to tell it to his parents. for him, they ought it to their parents. they have the right to know. they may never accept or understand his sister's personality, decision and life, but they still need to know. thus, he consulted me.

i advised cris to hold his silence and allow his sister to decide or to take the opportunity to confess it to their parents. coming out is not an easy thing to do, especially in a society like ours that is not expressive (assertive). most of us, live with the line, what you see is what you get. in other words, unlike other western countries, coming out is not a neccesity for filipino homosexuals. for we relate to other people based on what we perceive them to be without any direct confirmation. but ofcourse, this can also be dangerous at times. nonetheless, we just simply know.

indeed, we ought it to our parents and family. but unlike others, because of our close family ties, filipino parents know their children more than anybody else.

i told cris, that not because their parents are conservative, traditional and religious doesn't mean that they are clueless about who their children are. sometimes parents just let things the way they are, for there are just things that are better left unsaid and in the process, they learn to accept it.

suddenly, i saw a wide smile on cris' face, as if it affirmed me that he understood and probably in a way considered.

i grabbed my bottle of beer and softly hit it on his.

then i told him, "probably there may be a million of parents and siblings that are wanting you to be with them. your family is very lucky to have you. cheers to your sister! cheers to you, cris!"

hindi si polo ravales, kundi ako ang tunay na pengeboy!

the other day, some bedans blockmates and i made a birthday surprise for another blockmate. the party was thoughtfully memorable because aside from the "wonderful" gifts we gave, all of us also decided not to eat pork for the entire day for him since he is a muslim. and to make it more difficult and tempting, we decided to dine in in a fancy steakhouse in trinoma.

while we were pigging in with either chicken, beef and crab meat, i have realized that it was indeed a breather reminiscing the years we've been friends and how strong our bond has been, despite the fact, that we were no longer studying in the same school.

then later that night, another blockmate decided to ask me what i want to get for my upcoming birthday. basically, to save them from the effort of thinking how they would make my birthday special too. "knowing you, who likes to spoil surprises," to qoute her.

darn! it was just then that i have realized that i am already turning 24 a month from now.

seriously, its as cliche as saying mixed emotions. i remember when i graduated college and started living independently, the first thing i actually asked myself was how my life would be by the time i reach 24?

i thought, perhaps, i already have place and a car of my own, a stable relationship with someone, a profession which i dont consider as work and an accomplishment that will make myself and my family be proud of.

but so far, the only thing that i could drew out after those years is frustrations.

so i have decided to write down the things i want to get for my 24th birthday instead. pardon my superficial and materialistic self on this one, my friends! but if you are one of my ever loving and thoughtful friends, this will be very helpful for you, believe me. wink! wink!

1. a new head to feet make over get up: something i could wear for my new dream job, if i ever get one:

source

or a set of colored and kinky underwear but no size will be released due to personal reasons--- hahaha!

2. a new pet: a dog, either a husky or golden retriever:

or another set of cute, colorful and helpless fish to fill in my tank oozing with the scent of death.

3. a set of good pens in different colors and points

or sun's wireless internet subscription that would definitely make me stay late at night just downloading porns (whatever!).

4. a gym membership card or a box of sugar-fat-calories-filled belgian chocolates.5. or if you are really running out of budget, perhaps world peace or a kiss in the forehead will be just perfect.

see, i am not that materialistic after all. hopefully, all my friend will be able to read this. now, i am thinking of posting into my social profiles. hmmm...

the ending

tulad ng ibang mga pangyayari sa buhay, naniniwala akong ang isang kaganapang hindi kwinikwento ay isang bagong kwento at kadalasan, ang isang katotohanang hindi pinag-uusapan ay tinuturing na magandang istorya.
-ewik, kabahay

subalit ang katotohanan ay hindi nanahan sa iisang mukha lamang ng buhay. nagbabago ang istorya batay sa kung sino ang gumagampan nito at nagpapalit ang bida at kontrabida batay sa kung sino ang nagkwekwento.

"mas marami pa sa mga daliri ko ang times na nagkita kami ni jo sa halos isang taon naming pagsasama," panunumbat ni alex nang una niyang kwinento sa akin ang pakikipaghiwalay sa dating kasintahan.

ang hindi niya alam, labis ang sakit na naramdaman ni jo para sa isang rasong hindi naman niya talaga kontrol.

"sabihin mo sa kanya kung nalulungkot siya, balikan niya ang mga kalandian niya sa kama, yun lang naman ang nagpapasaya sa kanya," sagot ni jo nang minsan ibalita ko ang pagkadepress ni alex.

ang hindi niya alam, totoong nagsisisi at nangungulila na si alex para sa kanya.
nakakalungkot lang isipin na, datapwat aminado silang mahal pa din nila ang isa't-isa, pinili na lang nilang hindi magsama. para lalong hindi masaktan, para hindi lalong mapamahal.

minsan tuloy naisip ko, sa ganitong buhay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mas dapat, ang maging malandi pero panandalian o maging matino pero iniiwan?