things inside my pocket

even the thought of clearing my throat was not an option. it was already too late when i have realized that my own courage already abandoned me inside that cold ruin. paralyzed and confused.

the only things left were two familiar objects i always kept inside my pocket and another one, which i always deny bringing.

it was not the first time i have been with this ghost. but regardless of how much i shield myself against it, my body still reacts indifferently. it drops down 'til i chill. my heart turns cold like a snail, but my face burns as if its melting all the coming intuitions.

then i opened my eyes wide and bravely watched as the shadows danced and swept time and everything away. it is just fascinating how it weaved empty memories. honestly, i never really thought that i would still live up to that day to witness and be mesmerized by it. something not all are privileged to see, for they chose not to see it.

though the thoughts of freezing vodka mingling on the tip of tongues was tempting, something inside my pocket just pulled me back. the same moment when i have realized that a cold sheet of pure impulsiveness almost devoured me. thus, with a weak but definite voice, i pulled myself together and marched away. dressing myself with a distinct pallet of two entirely different colors of victory and loneliness.

all i could hear then was the last drops of a drying rain pour, and a deafening silence behind the door in front of me.

for a moment, i felt scared of what i was to embrace. but the urge of not looking back was stronger than the shackles that kept and defined me for the longest time.

so this time, i promised myself that there will no longer be any room for regrets.

randomness

random realizations from the past week:

source

moving on is not a matter of forgetting, rather its the process of coming up with simple acceptance and empty memories.

source

Y refers to a person you have dated but did not work out well. Thus, you call him/her Y because s/he almost become an X.

its not always about relying to one's intellect. sometimes, we also need to open up to things, especially to those we do not understand.

peripheral-views

it is still our rationality that separates us from the savages of our spontaneity.

and lastly,

source

mahirap pumunta sa madidilim na lugar mag-isa, lalo na kapag naubos ang hinandang steamed talaba. hahahaha!

promiscui-T

stop that! don't you know its rude to stare?
i think, i know him.
someone you slept with again?
i am not sure. but more likely.
seriously, do you still know how many have you slept with?
dude, who's counting?
are you flattering yourself again?
in a way. but its more of me, morally telling you, i already lost count.
i guess, i just can't imagine myself standing or passing by someone i just had casual sex with.
you'll get used to it once you have realized its not that bad.
really?
yeah. most of the time, i feel like there is a number of familiar guys in the building i have already slept with?
how did you know?
in the elevator. they would look at me and whisper to each other. then become silent after wards. but i just brush it off.
people from the company?
no.fortunately, i am not yet the whore that you think i am.
of course not. you still haven't had me.
then we both laugh.

i have realized that in this kind of preference, where finding commitment and settling down is almost next to impossible, everything is justifiable. everything has a reason, as long as people are open in listening and understanding it.

for T, i know, being promiscuous is the only chance he has in order to find that impossibility, even if he always remains silent about it.

virgin daw si jim

*isang minadaling writing exercise about homo-erotic fiction.

"virgin pa po kasi ako, kuya."

sus. kung makailang beses ko nang narinig 'to. at madalas, kinukumbinsi ko na lang ang sarili ko na maniwala. sa tinagal-tagal ko sa pagpunta dito, alam ko na kung sino ang nagsisinungaling at nagsasabi ng totoo. kungsabagay, totoo man o hindi ang sinasabi ni jim, kantot pa din ito para sa akin.

nakilala ko si jim sa internet. bagong graduate daw siya at galing sa probinsya. kaya naman, nakuha niya agad ang atensyon ko. at lalo akong nanabik nang makita ko ang picture niya. as usual, katawan lang. moreno at matipuno. pero halatang batak sa bukid o dagat. ganun na ganun ang tipo ko. wala na akong pakialam kung anong itsura ng mukha. hindi na naman mahalaga ang itsura kapag tag-libog ka, di ba? bonus na lang talaga kung gwapo.

nagkusa na akong bumili ng condom at lube sa convenient store na napagkasunduan namin. nagpanigurado na din ako ng gatorade. hindi na din naman kasi ako bumabata at ayaw ko namang mapahiya. pagkaubos nang iniinom ko, sakto naman ang dating niya. at tama nga ang horoscope sa dyaryo, sweswertehin daw ako sa araw na ito.

magandang lalaki si jim. mapungay ang mga mata, na halata mong kinakabahan; mayabang ang ilong, at higit sa lahat, mapula ang labi, na parang may sasabog na gatas kapag kinagat mo. tang' ina lalong lumakas ang pitik sa loob ng brief ko.

kaya dumiretso na kami sa kalapit na motel. tahimik lang si jim habang papunta kami duon. "ayos to ah," sabi ko sa sarili ko.

ayaw ko kasi ng madakdak bago makipagseks, nawawalan ako ng gana. para sa akin, saktong seks trip lang. ayokong nakikipagkwentuhan dahil hindi naman ako naghahanap ng kaibigan. nababad-trip din ako kapag nakakarinig ng kulot o twang. kaya mas okay na yung tahimik.

pagpasok sa kwarto, dumiretso agad ako sa kama. umupo sa gilid at nagtanggal ng medyas at sapatos. habang nakatayo lang si jim sa harap ko at nakatitig sa akin. hindi ko napigilang mapatawa. halatang hindi nga siya sanay sa ganito. kaya sinunggaban ko na.

tumayo ako, diniretso ang kanyang labi at agad hinanap ang kanyang dila. siguro laway na niya ang pinakamatamis sa lahat nang natikman ko. bigla ko tuloy naalala ang probinsiya.

sinagot din naman agad ako ni jim ng halik. naalala ko'ng, parang nag-espadahan ang mga dila namin sa loob ng kanyang bibig. maya-maya'y marahan kong sinipsip ang dila niya dahil sa pagkagigil. napaungol naman siya sa ginawa ko hanggang sa napansin ko'ng siya na mismo ang nagpapasok ng dila niya sa bibig ko--- mukhang nawili ang binata.

dahan-dahan kong tinaas ang kanyang tshirt. pagkahubad, sandali ko munang pinagmasdan ang katawan niya. pagkatapos ay lihim na napamura. nang makita ko ang matigas niyang mga utong, linantakan ko agad yung nasa kanan . napaliyad si jim at napahigpit ang pagkakasabunot sa akin. lalong lumakas ang pag-ungol niya ng simulan ko'ng laru-laruin ang kanyang utong ng aking dila. pabilog-bilog, taas-baba at marahang sinisipsip. tang' ina ang unang salitang narinig ko sa kanya. pero ang sarap pakinggan nu'n tuwing sinasabi niya. ang macho lang ng boses; malalim at garagal. lalo talaga akong ginanahan.

hindi na din naman napigilan ni jim na abutin ang dibdib ko. hinanap ang matigas ko na ding mga utong at pinaglaruan. ginagaya ng kanyang mga daliri kung paano ko siya dinidilaan. naisip ko'ng para akong teacher at siya ang estudyante ko.

maya-maya'y bumaba na ang labi ko mula sa pagitan ng kanyang matigas na dibdib, pababa sa kanyang tiyan. medyo natagalan pa nga ako sa bandang iyon. nakakakiliti kasi sa mukha ang manipis na karog na gumuhit mula sa ilalim ng kanyang pusod patungo sa ilalim ng kanyang brief. may kagat na ang halik ko sa katawan niya, hanggang tuluyan na din siyang napahiga sa kama.

hindi ko na matandaan kung ako o si jim ang nagtanggal ng aming pantalon. basta ang alam ko, light blue ang brief na suot niya, dahil tandang-tanda ko kung papaano sumilip ang dulo ng ulo ng kanyang sandata sa loob nu'n. parang humahalagpos mula sa masikip na garter; parang asong nakatali, nagmamakaawang palayain at naglalaway. tang' ina, ang lakas ng pre-cum ni jim. akala mo naiwang gripo sa lababo.

dahan-dahan kong binaba ang brief niya. seryoso, nagulat ako sa nakita ko. parang nagtaas-baba ang mga kamay ko sa isang malaking tubo na hindi mo alam kung nasaan ang magkabilang dulo. nagtuloy-tuloy ako sa pagbayo habang pinagmamasdan ko kung papaano mabaliw sa harap ko si jim.

bawat parte ng katawan niya ay nakakagigil. at masasabi kong ngayon lang ako nalito ng ganito sa isang naka-sex eyeball. hindi ko alam kung ano ang pwedeng pagsabayin, kung ano pa ang pwedeng haplusin at lamasin habang binabayo ko siya. ito yung mga pagkakataon na iniisip mong sana kasing dami ng daliri mo ang kamay mo pero dapat ay mas madami pa din ang labi mo. parang walang hindi masarap kay jim. sisimutin mo hanggang sa pinakadulo at kasingit-singitan.

maya-maya'y, bigla akong tinulak ni jim pahiga ng kama. agad niyang binaba ang brief ko at sinubo ang aking alaga. ang init ng loob ng bibig niya. parang binababad sa maligamgam na tubig ang titi ko. may manaka-nakang sumasabit ang ngipin niya pero ayos na din. hinablot ko ang kanyang buhok at binayo nang binayo ang kanyang mukha. hindi naman tumanggi si jim kaya lalo ko pang binilisan ang pagbayo. halos mapasigaw ako sa sarap.

"tang' ina ang sarrraaaaappp!"

lalong bumilis, sumasabay na si jim sa aking pagbayo.

para na akong lalabasan. parang madami-dami itong malalabas ko. gustong kong iputok sa mukha at lunurin si jim ng katas ko. pero masyadong maaga pa. gusto kong sulitin ang pagkakataon.

hinugot ko ang sandata ko mula sa bibig ni jim. pinahiga ko siya ulit. ako naman ang sumubo sa ari niya.

"taaaaannnggg' iiiinnnnaaaaa, tol!"

halos mangisay sa sarap si jim. binilisan ko na din ang pag tsupa.

linabas ko na ang isa sa mga secret technique ko: eight shallow, two deep.

lalong lumakas ang sigaw ng binata.

maya-maya'y kinuha ko ang biniling lube at pinahid sa daliri. mababaw at dahan-dahan kong pinindot ang tumbong ni jim. agad siyang napabangon.

"kuya, hindi ko po ata kaya yan."

"huwag ka'ng mag-alala daliri lang ito."

"hindi ko pa po kasi yan nasusubukan. natatakot ako."

lalo akong nanabik sa pagkumbinsi sa kanya.

"hayaan mo dadahan-dahanin ko saka sanay ako dito. sa una lang 'to masakit pero kapag nasanay ka na lalong sumasarap. sige na, pumayag ka na."

may pag-aalangan sa mukha ng binata.

"expert ako dito, huwag kang mag-alala. ako ang bahala sa iyo," tinapos ko ng isang matamis na pagkindat ang paninigurado ko sa kanya.

napangiti na lamang si jim at bumalik sa pagkakahiga.

agad kong sinubo ulit ang kanyang sandata. nagtaas-baba habang ginagalugad ng daliri ko ang mailap daw na butas niya. nang matagpuan yun, buong ingat ko'ng binagtas ang kanyang kasikipan. napaungol ang binata. bahagyang napausog siya papalayo sa akin nang sandaling naging marahas ako. mukhang kailangan ko'ng maging mas maingat.

mas mainit ang loob ng dakong iyon ng binata. mainit subalit malambot. animo'y nakilala ko ang isang panig ng kanyang pagkatao sa loob nun. lalo akong nananggigil, gusto ko siyang pasukin. gusto ko'ng angkinin ang kanyang unang karanasan. nais ko gawin itong isang karanasan 'di niya malilimutan. gusto ko'ng maalala niya ako.

nang maramdaman ko'ng relaks na ang kanyang loob, hinugot ko ang aking daliri at inabot ang biniling condom. biglang napabangon si jim sa kanyang pagkakahiga.

"huwag muna. hindi pa ako handa. hanggang daliri na muna, kuya," buo ang takot sa kanyang pakikiusap.

sandali akong napatingin sa mukha niya, at naging napakapamilyar ng tagpong iyon. parang bigla ko'ng nakita ang sarili ko sa kanya noon. noong una ko naman karanasan, sa isang lalaking hindi ko na matandaan ang mukha at pangalan. wala na akong nagawa kundi tumango.

dahan-dahan ko ulit siyang pinahiga. inabot ko ulit ang bote ng lube at nagpahid ng mas marami. mas naging madali na sa akin noon na hanapin ang kanyang namamasa ng butas. umungol ulit si jim pagpasok ng aking daliri. napaliyad sa kanyang pagkakahiga. napapikit. lalo ko tuloy nabilisan ang paglabas-loob sa kanya. lalong lumalakas ang kanyang pag-ungol.

"masarap ba jim? ha? sagutin mo ako? masarap ba, ha?!"

subalit ungol lang ang naging sagot sa akin ng binata.

naisip ko'ng ipuslit ang isa ko pa'ng daliri. binilisan ko lalo para hindi niya mapansin. inabot ko na ang kanyang nanlalambot na sandata at binayo din ito. nagsimula na niya akong tawagin.

"kkkkuuuuyyyyyaaaa, ttttaaaaannnngggg' iiiiinnnaaa. kuuuyaaa!"

halos maputol ang kanyang litid sa katatawag sa akin. may sandaling parang gusto ko nang palitan ang aking pangalan. ironically, pakiramdam ko ang taas-taas ko habang minumura niya ako. parang ang galing-galing ko, parang ang lakas-lakas ko sa kanyang bawat pagsusumamo.

"kkkuuuyyyyaaa, annnngggg sssaaaaarrrrrraaaappp! ssssiiiiiggggeeee pppppaaaa!!!"

lumalawak na ang kanyang butas. talagang nag eenjoy na siya sa ginagawa ko. kaya sinubukan ko pa'ng magpuslit ng isa pa'ng daliri. lalong lumakas ang kanyang pag ungol at pag sigaw pagkatapos ay bigla siyang napahawak sa aking braso.

"kkkuuuyyyaaa, sandali lang para po akong mapupunit."

hininto ko siya sa kanyang ambang pagbangon.

"sige lang, masasanay ka din. malapit na 'to."

lalo ko pang binilisan ang pagbayo sa kanyang likuran.

"AH! kuya, mukhang lalabasan na po ako e, kuuuyyyaaa! kuya!"

ito na ang sandaling hinihintay ko. dumating na ako sa rurok ng aking pagnanasa para kay jim. tuluyan na akong nagpadaig sa aking panggigil. kaya naman lalo ko pang binilisan ang aking pagbayo mula sa kanyang harap at likuran.

"kkkkuuuyyyyaaaa, mukhang lalabasan na po talaga ako. hindi ko na kaya, kuya."

"sige lang, tang'ina ilabas mo yan. iputok mo lang! ok lang yan. ako ang bahala sa iyo."

sa una muling pagkakataon, gusto ko ulit makita ang pagsabog ng kainosentahan sa aking harapan. hindi man ito ang unang pagkakataon na may linabasan sa harapan ko. pero sa dalas ko'ng ginagawa ito, parang naging pare-pareho na lamang ang itsura at eksena ng lahat ng mga nakasiping ko.

subalit may kung anong kakaiba kay jim na labis akong nanggigil. sa una muling pagkakataon ay naranasan ko muli ang pakiramdam katulad noong una akong nakipagtalik sa kapwa ko lalaki. halos nailabas ko ata noon ang lahat ng katas ko sa loob ng aking katawan, at lagpas ulo nang sumabog.

gusto ko muling makita yun. gusto ko muling maranasan ang pakiramdam. kaya nagpatuloy ako sa pagbayo habang nagpatuloy naman si jim sa pagsumamo at lalong humigpit ang kanyang pagkakahawak sa aking braso.

"kkkkuuuyyyaaaa, aaanndddiiitttooo naaaaa, kuya!!!"

"tang'ina sige iputok mo!"

halos ikabaliw ko ang pagbayo kay jim. yun na marahil ang pinakamabilis na pagbayo na ginawa ko. mas mabilis pa sa ginagawa ko sa sarili ko.

"lalabas na talaga kuya. eto na..eto na..."

halos hindi na ako nakapaghintay, napako na lamang ang tingin ko sa kanyang harapan habang halos maglaho ang kamay ko sa kakataas-baba sa kanyang alaga. nag-aabang. naghihintay.

"eto na kuya, eeeeetttttoooooo nnnnnnaaaa...."

AYAN NAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

isang mainit at malapot na katas ang umagos sa aking kamay kasabay ng paghugot ng isang malalim na hininga si jim. malakas ang pagsabog ang nagawa ng binata. subalit hindi ito lumagpas sa kanya-kanya naming mga bunbunan. bagkus animo'y isang dakot ng magaspang na putik ang tumagas mula sa kanya, na may mas nakakasulasok na amoy, kaiba sa aking inaasahan. dahan-dahan ko'ng hinugot ang mga daliri ko mula sa kanyang pwerta. at duon tumambad, ang marahil, lahat ng kinain niya noong araw na iyon o mga nakalipas pa.

duon ko napatunayang, oo, tama. virgin nga si jim.

excuse my religion

*this will be a lengthy post.

never argue about religion.

this is the one thing that i have realized from multiple discussions i had so far. for me, regardless, of how interesting or promising the flow of the conversation may be, i always try to avoid it as much as possible; especially at times, when someone insist it to me.

let us admit it, it is never easy to tackle and question another people's belief. for first, it is simply disrespectful, not only to the individual, but to the long history of the community s/he belongs. and lastly, you will never ever reach a common point. it will always be just an (heated) arguement, rather than a healthy debate or conversation.

religion is the sum total of a long history of beliefs and traditions of a particular community. in sociology, it is believed to be practiced and observed for it is deemed appropriate, or better yet beneficial, for the survival of both human individual and society.

i was born and raised roman catholic. and i can say, that my family is pretty strict and compliant when it comes to our religion. signs of it include the fact that all of us studied in exclusive catholic schools. we observe novena everyday, attend mass during sundays, pray grace to each meal we have (even if its just small snacks and meriendas); and even required (by our parents) to memorize, fully understand and discuss each passages of the bible before we go to bed. i even remember my dad bringing me to a seminary when i was sent to the province to take highschool. but since i was a transferee from manila, the rector did not allow me. nonetheless, i never ended up being religious. but i could not classify myself neither as an agnostic nor atheist. i'd rather prefer being called spiritual.

for me, the belief of (a) god/s is always present. but i can not help myself from doubting some claims whenever it is being interpreted and applied by its institution (or the church) to my life. and other than these, i refuse to elaborate further. for as i have earlier mentioned, i am avoiding crossing other people's boundaries, until that day.

he was my immediate supervisor from my previous job. i never really knew him that well. all i knew was, he seriously wants to be a seminarian and hopefully to be a priest. but since the responsibilty of being the eldest son in the family indirectly called him, he set aside this ambition first and took the role of being the bread-winner of his family. nonetheless, he claims that he kept a spiritual adviser in contact whenever his devotion is put into the test because of work.

"eric, are you a catholic?" he politely asked me while i was busy signing some work-related documents.

"by paper, yes. by practice, no."

"meaning?"

"i believe in the presence of god. but i value my free will more than what my church calls for me."

"interesting. but why?"

"i am sorry, boss. but i am really not comfortable elaborating my answer."

"i understand. its okay."

i smiled at him as a sign that i appreciate him respecting my decision. but at the back of my head, i was also itching to know why he raised the question. thus,

"why did you ask?"

"nothing really. i just wondered, how are you with your teammates considering they are... you know.. they are..."

"gays and lesbians?"

yes. all of my teammates, if not for one straight guy , are gays and lesbians.

"i am pretty okay with them. actually, i enjoy their company and i never really considered their sexuality as a problem to their performance or to mine."

"it is surprising that you are pretty open and considerate with this."

"of course, why can't i?"

"you see, personally, i have already accepted this idea (idea??? strike one!), especially in this kind of industry (aha! stereotyping. strike two!). but as a religious person, all i can do is to tolerate. but what i am really against with is the... (he was already twitching just thinking of the word) sex or promiscousity associated with this kind of life style for it is a sin (SIN. strike three. OUT!)."

there goes my queu. gathering all the thoughts in my head, i composed myself and just smiled back at him. for i knew, he would definitely asked for my opinion.

"how about you? whats your stand about this?"

told you.

"for me, sex is neither a need or want. it is a drive. and human nature will tell us, that regardless if it is about sex or not, the more you repress or supress something, the more an individual reacts, craves and does it. thus, in terms of the behavior, we perceive it as being promiscous.

i guess, what i am just trying to say is that the behavior is due to the lack of institutional recognition; that is deemed wrong or a sin because of the absence of that one thing that justifies sex: marriage. though i am not really a big fan of the general concept, i still believe that it will definitely be beneficial to the general welfare of the individuals concerned and even to the society they belong; for the fact, still remains, that regardless of how non-traditional the concept may be, all of us are still deeply rooted with a big part of our common traditions and beliefs.

i believe that human nature is not as complex as what we think it is. what we just need to do is to try being more open to the wide variety of possibilities, in order for us to understand it. besides, there is no such thing as a stationary individual or society. each entity evolves based from each needs in order to survive. thus, if a society is faced with such problem, it does not mean that it needs to throw away everything that it has long-established and change entirely. what we are just being called for is to adjust, if deemed necessary, and then move further. for the only thing that changes in this world is time alone."

then i immediately looked at my supervisor's reaction and i swear, i heard a voice inside of my head saying, "nganga!" hahaha!

he did not follow up anything anymore. he just slowly nodded and asked me to go back to my desk. when i sat on my station, T was seated beside me, "what is that about? it took you guys almost an hour."

"nothing. just trying to know each other."

then i saw a subtle smile on the side of his lips.

"whatever, T."

days after i ended my contract, i received a text message from an unknown number.

"hey eric. how are you? i have heard of what happened. wanna have coffee this weekend?"

it was my supervisor, N.

who cares?!

finally, i decided to take a walk that night--- alone.

avoiding the thoughts that my room maybe brewing agaion for me. i just find it difficult, nowadays, to digest all the things flying inside my head. its depressing and at the same time paralyzing.

i miss so many things.

i miss my innocence and anonimosity. i miss watching movies, reading and commuting alone. i miss appreciating small and taken for granted details; wondering and weaving stories behind them. i miss talking to myself over a cup of coffee or tea. or probably, i am just missing the old skin that i am currently shedding.

while walking, i just then realized that i have been living here in katipunan for almost four years now. its surprising for someone, who stayed under 12 roofs in baguio during college. i never really stayed in just one place that long.

but over the years, i just noticed how i am fascinated with the oppositions of the place. that despite the long march of high rise buildings and fancy restaurants, its always the shadows behind these luxuries that always grab my attention.

you see, theres no day that i pass by here that i do not cross a taong grasa or vagrant. in fact, i already loss count of their faces. I have already forgotten the names of men and women; old and young; silent and cheerful that i have assigned to each one of them. Unfortunately, just like me before, they've never stayed that long for me to remember them specifically. for they just simply come and go, without any concerns if they will be remembered or not. Thus, there faces eventually molded into a mere solitary figure.

the row of abandoned establishments at the end of the stretch, under the fly over going to katipunan extension, has always been their sanctuary. the place was as dark as their skin and drenching with this distinct musk coming out from their pores. but despite these, the place, most especially them, have remained invisible to everyone. no one was really braved enough to face the pity in their faces.

i remember, one day, seeing random things written in charcoal on each of their sanctuary’s walls. some were numbers, while some were unended stories about various things in this universe. yes, universe. Sometimes, i just catch myself surprised with such big words written there.

i wondered what they really meant. if they were about things they’ve met along their ways, or if they were just mere fragments of their memories or even the sanity that have long forgotten these people. well, it just break my heart to picture them finding their way back to this place again, claiming the only thing that they can call their own, already been washed away.

now, while back reading some of my past entries and writing this post at the same time, i then realized how lucky i am to have these means of keeping my memories. something, that they never really had. if only they can, i bet they can tell us one of the best stories ever been told to man, rather than these petty juvenile concerns that swarm us everyday. oh, if only they could be heard.

but who does? if in this selfless world, people would just refuse to listen, believing that the only things that matter and important, are there own lives revolving around how many times they’ve got laid and how much they have in their accounts.

if only these vagrants can read these notes. i bet, their immediate reactions will also be, who cares?!

Mangyari Lamang

ni Rico Abelardo

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
Sa mga malabo ang paningin.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
Habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad
Na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli
Ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto't diwata.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo ang nagmahal, minahal at iniwan
Ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
Nang maging makahulugan ang paghagulgol sa dilim.

At sa mga nananatiling nakaupo
Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis
Palabas sa nakangangang pinto
Umuwi na kayo!
At sumbatan ang mga magulang
Na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw.

At sa lahat ng mga naiwang nakatayo
Mangyari lamang na hagkan ang isa’t isa
At yakapin ang mga sugatan
Mabuhay tayong lahat
Na nagsisikap makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
Manatiling masaya at higit sa lahat
Magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.

*:) salamat kay pads dahil napangiti ako dito

pers

its funny how a flight of steps separated us from the reality that lures the heart of this metro every night.

how the cream of the entree that you ordered tickled my palette while images and questions started playing inside my head.

i could not stop myself from smiling as i looked at your restlessness and how you avoided your own reflection in my eyes.

you were different from what i have expected rather than what i have pictured. but this time around, it would not really matter anymore.

surprisingly, the crowd at the bar was larger than we have expected for a weeknight and the waiters were not accommodating either. so we decided to sit on the side walk, beside the road where the weary also pass by and drank ourselves with each other stories.

strangely, i just caught myself going with the night.

the place, filled with scent of burning lavender and seduced by candle light, was not really something i have in my mind. i was laughing. we were laughing (with the idea that someone forgot to reconnect his utility).

yes, it was romantic.

or perhaps, because it was simply my first.

x

Naramdaman ko ang sandaling pagtigil ng oras nang magtagpo ang aming tingin, ni hindi ko nagawang iahon ang sarili mula sa pagkalunod sa lamlam at lalim ng kanyang mga mata, na tila may kung anong pwersa ang humihila sa akin papaloob, nang-uudyok pero hindi ko tiyak kung nakikiusap.

Madalas ko ng nakakasalubong ang lalaking yun. Sa tanda ko sa lugar na ito, tiyak kong hindi siya taga samin, maging si Nana Sela, ang pinakamatanda sa aming lugar ay hindi din siya kilala. Walang nakakaalam sa tunay na pagkatao ng lalaki o kung saan siya nagmula, kaya naman hindi na rin nakakapagtaka kung wala ding may alam sa kanyang pangalan. Kungkaya kinilala ko siya bilang X.

Di mapagkakailang matipuno ang katawan ni X, kitang-kita ang pagkabilog ng kanyang mga dibdib, na parang kayang sandalan maging ng mga pinakamamabigat na mga palad. Prominente rin ang mga makakapal na linyang gumuguhit sa kanyang bato-batong tiyan. Halos hindi ko nga napigilang sundan at isipin kungsaan nagtatagpo ang dalawang linyang mula sa kanyang mga tagiliran na sumisisid paloob sa kanyang saplot. Nakakapanggising ng loob ang itsura ng manipis na balahibong nakasabit sa pagitan ng kanyang pusod. Animo'y hinahalina at kinikiliti ang pisngi ko.

Hindi ako adventurous na tao subalit ng sandaling yun, nakadama ako ng kakaibang pagnanasang hubaran siya. Ipahid sa sariling katawan ang nakukuhumahid na likidong nanalaytay sa kanyang makisig na braso upang marating ang kanyang pinanggalingan. Buksan ang kanyang bibig at tikman ang kanyang laway nang maintindihan ang pait na kanyang linulunok bawat araw at siilin ng halik ang mga gapulgadang duming tumatakip sa kanyang walang putlang mukha.

Gusto ko siyang sumigaw, sumigaw ng ubod ng lakas hanggang mabingi ang aking isip. Gusto kong marinig ang kanyang boses at malaman kung gaano ito kalalim o katinis: Kung gaano ito kalakas o kahina. Gusto kong kainin ang kanyang tinig.

Nais kong saktan siya hanggang sa ibulyaw niya ang kanyang pangalan, na wala ni isang kaluluwang may alam. Nais kong ibunyag niya ang kanyang pagkatao, kahit sa pamamagitan noon ay marinig kong ang kanyang pagmamakaawang, alam kong kanyang kinikimkim. Gusto kong dukutin yun mula sa kanyang lalamunan.

Gusto ko siyang lumuha sa harapan ko, humagulgol na animo'y hindi na tatahan. Gusto kong makatiyak kung nakakaramdam pa siya, kung tao pa siya. Gusto kong ilabas niya lahat, isabog niya sa harap ko. Lunurin ako hanggang sa di na makahinga at mamatay kasama ng kalungkutan niya.

Subalit kailanman ay hindi huminto at nagpakilala sa akin si X. Patuloy lamang siya sa kanyang paglalakad na animo'y walang nakikita, nadadaanan o nakakasabay. Malayo ang isip, walang kibo at walang emosyon tulad ng ibang taong grasa.



*an attempt of combining erotic and social writing