for a moment, he became a stranger to his own self. it felt like his soul was residing inside a different body. then he recalled the things he had to do that day, yesterday, tomorrow and the even the day next to it. he tried making things he can blame, but then it was already too late.
he tried picturing himself as he stared above the blank and dark ceiling. it was easier for him to outline the images in his mind. the curves on his side. the running bulges along his stomach.
how he swayed to each beat of every night and how he heed to his every drive,
he remember how he used to surprise himself and how they call him the rock.
the impression spread like a tasty rumor and how it made him an instant celebrity, to a niche he began calling as his own. but if there is one thing that he wasn't able to impress, it was time.
for him, time is like a bitter lover, who betrayed him behind his back. it came out of nowhere and never really thought it was coming.
he just woke up one day, feeling a bit tired, literally and physically. until its bits started to compile like sediments that began rising, building a dam that separated him for the world he used to own.
suddenly, his responsibilities started following, he got acquainted with different forms of fulfillment. but he believed that nothing really beat that drive, those memories and impressions. he do not recall turning over something. so technically, he is still reigning.
nonetheless, he noticed something different in his preferences. unlike before, he never really put age as one of his qualifications. perhaps, he already made it with all the old ones and now he sees the younger or fresher ones more challenging. or probably, this was his sign that he is already "maturing."
but at the back of his head, he was bothered about something. he didn't know if it was the milk or the vitamins they took that was different; or there was something along their growing up that made them a bit aggressive and boost their endurances by a mile notch. he is starting to feel the difficulty of catching up.
until finally, the call for settling down already knocked his door. for the tunnel of uncertaibty is already appearing in his horizon.
fortunately enough, his innate looks and charisma were still enough to bait him someone.
but he admits it was not easy, he never really saw himself as the partners he used to go out with on certain moments of his life. it was just then that he have realized that all the pampering and spoiling were not mere acts of desperation to keep someone, rather they were gestures or material reminders that he was, for the first time, sincere of showing his real emotions and affections.
there were times that friends prohibit him from continuing what he is doing, scaring him of names such as sugar daddy, dirty old harry and sometimes even a male cougar. but how can he stop himself from expressing something so genuine?
its just ironic how people keeps on telling him to be more open to his feelings and be more sincere in handling his relationships before, and then prohibits him now when he finally followed their advises.
he admits there is truth on the issue of compensating, especially when its your body and mind thatraise the white flag down there.
but he guess, its something more understandable when people reach where he is at this moment.
now, he looks at that stick of cigarette on the other side of the bed. balancing between the legs of a transparent ash tray. he always wondered what it really taste like. but he guessed it was already too late to even know it. nonetheless, at this point of his life, he figured, there is no longer any room for regrets.
or is it?
*written under a rainy midnight and over three cups of earl grey.