dilemna

countless times that we have experienced falling in love with our friends or heard it to almost every person we knew. some stories ended up more than our notion of a happy ending story. while some close up with a heavy sigh and deep regrets.
almost everyone, once in their lives, experienced this dilemna. how would you know if it is really love? or how would you find out if its pure friendship? is there really a visible boundary between the two? and what are you going to do if you have failed to recognize it?
personally, i really think this is just normal as seawaves crossing and slashing nearby seashores. sometimes emotional investments attached into deep friendships have the natural tendencies to be misinterpreted as something romantic or sexual in context or could be a strong foundation of probably one of the best romantic relationships any man could have.
it begins with questioning one self, starting with the WHYs: why is it i feel unexplainable and overwhelming happiness when i am with him/her? why is it i feel so comfortable and at ease with his/her company, as if i could not hide anything from him/her? why is it i always look for him/her at times when i need company? why is it he or she is at the top of my priority to call to?
then it all leads to the question of WHAT IFs: what if i push our friendship into something romantic? what if she would s/he accept my proposal? what if she would not accept it? what if i couldn't contain the emotions that i am feeling toward him/her anymore? what if i take the risk?
at the end, it all goes to the final and the hardest question to answer, WHAT WILL I DO?

first, know yourself. on this situation, looking for you're worst enemy would only lead you to your self and the best tactic to overcome it is knowing yourself thoroughly. reminiscing and understanding your past romantic patterns would really help. it would also be necessary for previous infatuation and flirtation experiences. in order for you to know and understand the feeling that you are experiencing.

second, clearly define the boundary of friendship and love. at first, it would be natural to feel difficulties to identify, enumerate or elaborate each elements. not to mention the abstract nature of both friendship and love. but

third, think ahead. try imagining the both of you ahead of the time. then ask yourself if it would be better for you picturing it the both of you as friends or as lovers. there are only two possible endings for this story.

*the 'martyr': you maintain your good friendship with him/her. but with a discontented heart.
**the 'lucky one': you remain as good friends and you were able to push your friendship romantically. then you'll live happily ever after.
***the 'kill me, please': you lose your friendship with him/her and you're chance of expressing your feelings to him/her. but you still remain civil, atleast.
****the 'i'm dead!': you lose the friendship. then you're friend begins moving away from you.

fourth, test the friend. the best method to know the outcome is to experiment. try teasing the subject by giving hypothetical situations with not really exact premises. just for him/her not to get any hints about it. from that it would be a good launching point of what to do next.

and lastly, gather enough luck and acceptance as you could get for any outcome that may occur. sometimes it could be the best weapon for these kinds of situations.

manila, me and playing with words

as the rain started pouring really hard for the past days, it seemed like my mind was also clouded of things to write about for my new entry. it had been days that i caught myself just staring on my blog page and thinking of what to post and ended up without nothing to talk about. not because i have restrained by the rain to go out and look for things to think about but solely because i find the weather really dragging. nonetheless, i have decided to post a new entry today.

earlier, i met my mom because of her 'simple request' of accompanying her to buy something around manila area. despite the fact that she knew that i really hate going to manila. but since it is so often that she would ask for something from me and also being a good and obedient son there is nothing left to do but to abide.

its been almost a year now that i have restricted myself only to places within quezon city, ortigas, mandaluyong and makati, except mendiola since my former school was there. well this is for the very lame reason of, i find it very realist. manila for me has been the epitome of a developing city that was stock in the middle of suburban to urban life-setting and is beginning to fade its hope of moving forward. the entire place has this dark gothicly but interesting mood for me, like batman's gotham city. in which, personal curiousity would push you to step forward to its streets. but its dark and mysterious shade would trigger your instict not to pursue. manila is flourishing with rich traces of its history and vibrant colors of vast cultural diversity. but was covered with dust and ashes of lame promises of modernity and urbanization.

probably what i am trying to say is that manila is something striving to be in between: past and the present: elegance and poverty: simplicity and complexity. religion and crime. it is not in perfect balance but it is
struggling to be near close.

that day, we went to manila and no taxi would want to take us there. since the road passing espana was submerged in flood. so me and my mom decided to take a fx to quiapo.

along the way, you'll noticed the abrupt change of quezon city to manila. the long stretch that begins with a wet and relatively bright road gradually transforming to a dirt-colored floodwater submerged path decorated with plastic wrappers, twigs, leaves etc. as you have passed welcome rotonda.

vehicles are slowing down as they passed the streets. cars and motorcycles were dancing in the middle of the road thinking what street would they pass to avoid hip-height rainflood. there were some who were stranded in the traffic blocking other vehicles to get pass through. just imagine the traffic jam, patience and time that we've struggled to get through. people were just passing through as if the entire picture was just a normal, everyday scence. street children were happily running and swimming through as if for the first time again, they have regained their youth.

i just thought, at times when i despise and wish the rain would stop. there are actually over a million of street children praying at the same time too. pleading for the rain not to stop. because only on this situation they could realize they are still children.

saging lang ang may puso contest

i bursted laughing and in tears when i thought of thinking of posting.

mechanics: just simply act like mark lapid in his movie apoy sa dibdib ng samar



contestant 1:



contestant 2:



contestant 3:



contestant 4:



contestant 5:




there we have it. now, pick your winner.

hahaha...ang sakit sakit na na tiyan ko...

p.s.
hahaha...mark lapid at kung sino man ang writer nito. iba kayo, marami kayong binigyang pag asa! hahaha

pasada

"ano nga ba ang pag ibig?" ---hanna espia

seks

how far will you go for sex?
for most of us, the word may still hold a great amount of sensitivity in discussing it to someone else. i must admit that when i thought of writing this article. in a way, i am still having doubts and hesitations in pursuing it. but i then realize that sex in all of its meanings and connotations have drastically move inside our day-to-day conversations without even us knowing it. for instance, whenever me and my friends go out, i noticed that sex is always a good launching point of a good conversation. it is like confessing all your known sins to a priest, it has this light feeling inside that lifts one's self when you share this to someone you are comfortable with.
i have told myself, if i would still enclose myself to my conservative beliefs. then when would be the right time to break away from it?
yes, i admit. sex is no new word for me. as early as 15, i was already acquainted with sex and the rest of the things that would follow it. it was during that age when i was devirginized (another sensitive word) with a friend---one of the closest if i may say.
for two years it remained that way. then suddenly everything changed when we began to be more curious about things that we're known to us as jokes. but the teasing began to shape a new meaning, cannot blame us we were just teens. basically, we have suprisingly done it in the most bizaare places you could think of. in the classroom, in the beach, in my room and places i have already forgotten.
unfortunately, the excuse would not hold long. since we have continued doing it for six years. for some, the worst thing was, we indirectly decided to remain on that relation the whole time or what is commonly known as fuck buddies. never thought of moving it in---romantically. because we knew, it would be suicide for us to discuss the set up that we had. we never knew to each other if we understand exactly what we were doing. if there really is such a thing, the first time we have decided to be friends.
i started noticing that everything turns entirely different when we go out as friends from going out as "f buddies". we laugh, joke around and talk about various interests we share in front of friends. but it abruptly changes, once we were left alone with one another. thus, selfishly hurting, it continued and even up to now. since we haven't formally end it because to think about it we haven't formally started it as well. as most cliche lines would start, at first it would be this, it would be that... but like cliche lines those are the things that we need to shy away and dwell more on deeper thinking. because of the obvious reason that what sex really intended was something we have failed to see and understand.
most of the time. sex is a liberation of not only to one's self but also against societal repressions. it is the breaking away from the conservative norm of tradition and morality or probably the other way around. nonetheless, like any other form of liberty, it is also anchored by responsibilities and obligations (that i think no need to further elaborate). simply knowing that most of us tend to exaggerate such liberation beyond our limits.
in my experience, to sum it up. i've learned that sex should not be equated with love. most of the sensual sensations brought about sex are not romantic in nature. in which, if you are open to dig in deeply there is a thick line between sex and love. the boundaries should always be visible and we should never fail to recognize it. come to think of it, probably this might be one of the reason why most people deemed it as a sensitive or taboo matter. probably because most of us, easily gets hurt due to this.
then i realized, how frail being human could be?! and how naive we are to respond to such weaknesses.
for a moment, i sighed because i knew in inside, i am indeed missing an old friend.

spread me some grease

on the way to lrt station in katipunan, i saw a vagrant man just beside one of the many waiting sheds. he was clothed with dirt and his scent was a mixture of sun scorched skin and fresh wednesday trash bags. by the looks of him, you could easily say his psychologically insane---psychotic to be more technical.

the sun was just warming itself up that morning. it was only 7, but i have decided to hit the road again. but for this man, his day was just about to end. like fixing a bed, he neatly flatten the dirty soil beside the shed; his arms extending and flattening the soil as far as his reach. while his legs were sweeping the hard rocks and plastics wrappers away from his resting sheet. he positioned his head in the soft and dusty grass which only occupied a small portion of the area. then he slowly laid down his head on the grass cushion. at first i thought he would immediately close his eyes, thinking he might be really exhausted the whole night. probably from scavenging something to eat or just tilting his head the whole night talking to the stars. but i remembered it was a starless night last night. foggy mist have covered the wholeness of the bright moon and dark thick clouds overpowered the meek brightness of the stars. i felt his mourn. his eyes remained still in blankness. there was no trace of making any blink or some sort. there were marks of restlessness though. the kind that is untraceable of any cause. the mere sight would make you wonder why. as if the anxiety was hand over to anyone that would witness the sight. it bothered me, yes and i mean big time.

looking at him, spoke vast folds of bizaare stories like an entire compilation of the most trageic or the most wonderful stories of the world that nobody could tell. having this idea on mind, i thought if only he could speak to me (or us), he could be the best storyteller one could attentively hear. but it already dwelled itself on the words, if only. in which only in his silence we could understand him. while in his rage, we usually throwback fear and even retaliate with violence. but most of the time, we tend not to listen to the words uttered by silence and realized that would really matter. like ghost they walk amongst our street being feared without them doing anything. our irrational fear of them blinded as with a more potential fear that we should intend to the 'sane' person walking next to us. thus, they remained unseen and like them to their selves they are unminded.

from afar, i imagined him 20 years back. in the peak of his youth. probably drinking beer with his peers, courting someone he loved or in his widest smile holding his first child. i thought of the most joyful events that i could relate mine to him. then at the end of each, i could not help myself from asking,

"what happened?" it would just depress me.

it was basically inevitable of not thinking what happened. you could actually think of the most remorse thing that would still keep your heart from bursting. but we know, we need to push our imagination more than our limit in able to know and fully understand them.

most of the time, it scares me. thinking what if i push myself to hard that i could not bring myself back again. but come to think of it, there are times when i could catch myself fancying their state. thinking of absolute freedom. acting, thinking and behaving without hesitations, without any doubts to one self nor thinking what other people are thinking and expecting from you. then, i realized the more you are being pressed by people around you the more you dwell on these caves: and the less people are expecting from you, the freer you have become.

but in a "snap", i told myself, "not yet, not --- now."

what will i do with my do?

after nine days straight of work (yes, you read it right NINE DAYS STRAIGHT),

i woke up today thinking of having my hair cut. but i am still confused if i would.

this is what you get if you don't know anything about fashion, you have thick and curly hair and a big head.

it is hard to decide because the do that you want are only intended for straight hair people, some kind of discrimination ei?!

my hair is beginning to grow again and i have maintained it to be short since i left baguio.

now i am really confused.

would i go for the vintage or will i go for the neat?

pictures: (top) taken from my organization's anniversary in commemoration of the first quarter storm during the martial law regime. when i was still in baguio. (bottom) taken from puerto galera with my blockmates in manila.

yes, i smoke a lot but i don't wear shades anymore because i already have my glasses on again. arrghh!