it was so surreal.
never did i imagine myself getting caught in the same scene.
as C pulled up the blanket and curled to slumber. i stood up, pulled a stick and rest my back on the headboard. funny how the cigarette fume restores one's rationality and pulls back a raging tide of realization. and just like lying on the shore, its drowning once it hits you. then you're awaken, questioning every inch and angle of what you have done. until you finally start questioning even yourself. making you promise. although you know, deep down in you, that you are just making yourself to believe.
its just tough to decipher what is reality from fantasy now, especially if your clouted with frustrations and depressions. and did i mention desperation too?
i guess, this is the problem if you have so much options, that we always wished when we were little, without realizing that in achieving so we always tend to miss the best among the crop. by best meaning, the one you genuinely wanted. but who said, contentment is easy to find? isn't that what keep us all going?
oh, don't you just hate those dialogues you usually come up in your head? but surprisingly, i have been craving for nightmares lately. those types of dreams that wakes you up in the middle of the night with cold sweat. too heavy that leaves you paralyzed and makes you shed a tear. because it is during those rare moments that i can hear those long lost chest beats--- again.
as i felt the heat crawling close to my lips, i looked for a tray and killed another fixation. then i took a deep breathe and told myself,
" 'til the next urge."
i left the room, without turning off the light. i turned around and made a last glimpse of those silent cheeks and now, calm lips. so this is the feeling after all--- of everything being temporary.
surprisingly, it would always be our last since i really have to move on. but this time, beyond my own volition.