major major favor

"hey," said the message that popped up below my monitor screen.

"hey back. whats up?"

"can you do me a major favor?"

"let me see what i can do"

"can you temporarily delete me from your contacts?"

i was awkwardly surprised as million thoughts immediately flew in front of me, telling me bizarre reasons.

"why?"

"i'll call you. i'll explain it over the phone."

after a while, my phone rang. i answered it and heard a very uncertain voice; almost doubtful of whether he will say it or not. but i guess, cornered with the situation, he attempted. at least, he tried.

i knew M online. though we were never that close, we check each other once in a while and its been ages since we last did. so i was really interested on what M is going to say.

"can you check someone for me? but he shouldn't know that we know each other."

"how do you want me to check him?"

"pretend as if you are someone."

"someone like what?"

fillers. silence. more fillers.

i knew it was beginning to be uncomfortable for M. though a bit confused, i asked for the person's name and checked his digital prints.

"i just want you to pretend as if you are someone filthy capable of offering him an indecent proposal. i just want to know if he will bite it."

i felt as if something cold rushed to my head, screaming, HUWAAAATTTT??!!! but i figured i have to hear him out.

"i guess, he is a model?"

"yes."

"PLU?"

"no."

"hmmmm....so what am i going to do with him again?"

"alright. i'll be honest. i am currently managing him. but i have my doubts."

"doubts of what?"

"that he is using me?"

"you already slept with him, noh?"

silence.

"and now, you are developing feelings for him na din?"

longer and more awkward silence.

"how did you know?"

"booking."

"you had the same experience?"

"im referring to the movie."

"does he know?"

"i guess so.why are you making this favor so tough?"

"dude, of course. i need to know everything."

"alright, yes."

"why?"

M already refused to answer my questions.

"i cannot promise you anything. but let me see what i can do."

besides, my job has landed me to worst and i don't think it will hurt that much anymore especially if i am doing it for a friend.

***

but after we ended the call, it really made me think about it.

denial

sometimes, just like a shape sorter toy, regardless of how we force ourselves in the picture, how we fight for us to belong in the same frame and how we struggle and wish to be another , we simply just can't.

for the simple reason that we are who we are. instead of drowning ourselves with frustrations, we should learn how to plow the best out from it.

depression

i can sense that M totally understand this: that regardless of how perfect the picture maybe inside his head and how marvelous tomorrow maybe for them, the realization will still hit him that what M wants only serves himself and that M is silly to believe that M would eventually be accepted and appreciated, more than what he is receiving now.

its paradoxical how they are completely different despite being the same.

anger

M knows, this is just plain business. that what happened to both of them could probably be the guy's ways of gaining his real intentions. but M still insists.

why?

bargaining

because M believes that it is no longer the possibility that matters now. what he only wants is the guy's better welfare, that he will be a good husband and father to his family. M is no longer expecting anything in return. M just wants to be the good Samaritan to him, his angel, to put it on his words.

but at the end of the day, i only hope that when the lights are turned off and silence starts to creep in, this fulfillment will be enough to cradle his loneliness to sleep.

and

acceptance... to follow.