clutter

(i just can't stand writing rant entries day by day. so i decided to gather them up and post them in a single bulk.)

i don't really remember when was the first time i decided to shut myself from thinking of all the things that happened and happening to me for the past months. all i could remember was waking up one morning, being bombarded by what seemed to be a never ending thoughts of problems, dilemnas, and pressures and saw myself just walking pass right at it as if they're just mirages and i didn't really care. perhaps, i am just too tired of thinking; too tired of rants. and as an immediate reaction, my form of self preservation, i just had to pull down that lever--- again.

the last thing i remember was i used to be this inquisitive kid, who kept on asking more than what he could digest. sometimes playful but most of time observant. nonetheless, always believed in the magic of listening. but then he got tired like anyone or anything else. he realized that there are just certain universe that cannot be moved from their orbits and stars that cannot be stopped from falling. so he stopped despite the frustration on his right and desparation on the other. but i know he is still trying. struggling to be hopeful and at the same time learning the boundaries of being realistic and whimsical.

life to him by far, simply became a bitter sweet concoction of career turmoils, romantic turbulences and personal meltdowns, to the point it already numbed his soul despite his body reactions. hes been drugged to learn that at the end, no one would really attempt nor exert more efforts to tumbled down that fortress.

thus, his last resort was just carelessly diving in and moving with the tide, trying to accept wherever it may lead him. i guess its time for him to face his own clutter

and just him for now.