the bitter sweet fruit

what if one day, you woke up about to harvest the fruits of your labor, when you realized that you were actually staring at a wrong tree? and to make things worst, what if the fruits that you were expecting to be sweet were actually bitter, would you still dare to take a bite?

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i met fifth early this year through a common friend. he was your typical boy next door, has a very innocent face that hides his age and a body that would turn any sobber person intoxicated with their own desires. no wonder, i had this immediate impression that he is a player.

but i was actually corrected when i had the chance to sit down and talked with him over a cup of coffee. fifth confessed to me, how he struggled to be what he is now. he was never born with such perfection rather he grew up being ridiculed and pushed over for having too many flaws and just boringly ordinary. but what surprised me the most was the fact that he has never been in a relationship: neither in a serious or flirtatious one.

no one really took him seriously before because of these. thus, it pushed him in making himself attractive. he worked out almost everyday, bravely carried all his burdens and bought all possible brands that promised him all the good stuffs for many years. eventually, he felt something different for people started treating him differently.

for a moment, he felt that everyone became very interested with him. and it didn't take him long until he finally saw himself in the dating scene. he dated almost endlessly. but surprsingly, at the end of his dates, he couldn't stop himself from asking why he couldn't settle to any one of them. until he met G.

Among all the dates he went out with, G was the only person he felt both the attraction and connection with. they typically share the same interest and passion with almost everything. and probably to top it all, it was only with G that he felt that weird, ackward but romantic silence, that kept him from seeing G over and over again.

when fifth was finally sure of what he felt and thought of already settling down, it was just then that it was confessed to him that G was already committed to someone else. nonetheless G is still more willing to be with him.

G promised fifth, given the chance, G can break up and leave Gs partner for him. but this was something fifth could not go beyond. although love for him was something he longed to have, he told himself, he could not love on the expense of another person's hurt. for he perfectly knows how it felt like. thus, he chose to move back despite all the effort and hurt he has to endure.

as we separated that day, i really felt bad for fifth. but what actually counted was the admiration i developed for him after hearing his story.

in a way, it reminded me of one of my favorite stories (that was also coincindentally reminded to me recently by an acquaintance), dead stars. it was a lovestory about a man who have waited for the woman of his life for many long years just to realize that he didn't actually love the woman anymore when she finally met her: rather what she loved was the feeling of falling inlove with her before.

for most of us, we live under the impression that the purpose of living is to have someone to live with: to hold hands with whenever we need one, to have someone sleeping under our arms each morning whenever we wake up for the rest of your life. thus, people living with these ideas are missing alot with life.

i believe that life should be driven with multiplicity of purposes and not with love alone, that love is just a part of a giant structure and not equated to life as a whole.

in addition, love is not something that can be manipulated, controlled nor harvested. it comes spontaneously and varies in context. it is a natural feeling that each of us needs to nurture by the moment it comes. but should not hinder us from being who we are and can be by its absence.

above all these, i personally believe that romantic love can also be something that not everyone is blessed with. yes, as depressing as it may sound, this is the sad truth i have realized about life. perhaps because i think that instead of locking myself inside my room, brewing hopelessness, helplessness and loneliness out of being single, i should divert this lackness into someone else instead: to my family, friends, or other people perhaps.

life doesn't stop from the absence of a partner. so we should never pause either. we should always move forward for life would not wait for us. it will still continue revolving even without us.

perhaps, the main point that i am driving at is love is not only about the sweet flesh and pulp but also its bitter seeds. and above all, one should love for its blessed presence rather than loving the image we built out of its absence.

currently. fifth is still working as a writer for an advertising company. although he didn't close his door from dating other people, he diverted his focus in saving for a house that he intends to give to his parents instead. he admits that he still thinks of G sometimes and that the pain still lingers, especially at times when he finds himself alone.

but he told me, he is trying to channel that hurt into something else. something that can make him stronger and who knows, perhaps, one of this days, he will just wake up realizing that the fruit he has, is not that bitter after all.