Monday, March 25, 2013

confession of a swinger


almost every night, i walk from my office to rada st. for some evening work out. and for the past seven months, i could actually say that this evening routine have given me the chance of having my "me-time" again after each day's work. it reciprocated the 2-hour bus rides i used to take from makati to quezon city before (although i still prefer the latter).

each night's conversation made me realize a lot have actually changed from the last time i have posted something on this blog or from the last time i have ranted regarding my past life.

i would usually catch myself chuckling as i recall how petty my issues and concerns were. i have goosebumps whenever i ask myself why i went gaga over this person? or how i came up with that stunt of running fire exit stairs from ground to the fifth floor just to prove to the company physician that i have an abnormal heart so that they can allow me to resign.

but who doesn't have those moments, right?

haay. i miss being this.

i guess, the bulk of me missing a lot of things and people is because of these "me-time" walks. i eventually see the "missing part" as a confirmation that a lot have changed. and for someone like me, who used to  breathe for spontaneity and adventure, this is the worst part of  growing up: developing "that" sense of settling down and complying with the norm of being mature.

currently, i've been extremely busy with work. i am meeting a lot of people but most of them are twice and even thrice my age. i've been juggling several job tasks from business development, marketing, HR, and operations; handling three teams with highly distinct functions. though i am not complaining, in fact, i am enjoying it because it challenges me.

but unfortunately, the pressure at work took a toll in my personality. people started noticing that i easily get irritated with simple things, mood swings attacks, and became harsher with my words .

like, i remember having this rare vacation with my family in bicol last year, which ended up, me shouting and even questioning my dad as a parent. and yes, that is in front of him and my entire folks. the reason: he cannot bring me to the nearest airport the following dawn (which was around two hours away from our town).

after our fight, i packed my things and left. my parents then followed and tried convincing me there were no longer any bus trips around that time. they were literally negotiating with me in the middle of the highway. but i was just silent. i remained silent. but inside, i was so pissed that i wanted to prove to them that i can leave, that i am used with travelling late and in remote areas, and they are wrong and i do not need them.

true enough, after an hour, i was able to catch a bus going to manila. i can clearly recall, climbing those steps without looking nor saying goodbye to them. i took the last empty seat at the back. and when i finally realized i was alone, instead of congratulating myself for proving to my parents i was right, i cried.

it was the most horrible feeling. i was struggling to hold my sobs because there were passengers inside already sleeping but at the same time i was trying to pull out something very heavy inside my chest because i cannot breathe.

fifteen minutes after, i received a text message from my dad, apologizing for whatever reason that offended me. it was just then that he explained (which i did not gave him the chance to), that he was just not feeling well that night. from there, i started asking myself,

why did i not ask first?

what went inside me that i suddenly bursted?

and where did the melt down come from?

it took us 8 months, before my dad and i started talking again but we never discuss that incident anymore.

two months ago, i received a call from my mom, asking me to help my younger sister regarding some of her finances in college. bothered, i asked my mom, why my sister have to recourse it to her, instead of her talking to me directly?

my mom told me that my younger sister is just scared from me. she is scared that she might say something wrong that will give me the reason to shout at her and eventually reject her requests.

i told my mom that i do not have a temper. but she was able to convince me by admitted that all of my siblings are actually scared of me.

i was shocked.

i was never close with my siblings. in fact, i am the only one not living with them here in manila. but i would always cherish those times when we only have each other as friends and playmates.

but remembering it now, made me realize how in denial i was back then. suddenly, images of my sisters and brother started popping up while i am writing this post. all of them are crying. crying because of something i said or did.

yes, i am starting to realize, i am a bad son and a brother.

so the other night, i seek confirmation from some of my closest friends about it and all they just gave me was a big nod.  they would recall some incidents where my decisions and  behavior will just instantaneously swing. how out of nowhere, they would see me very numb, apathetic and harsh about almost everything. but what really makes them annoyed was how my observations and good intentions are "sometimes freakingly" mixed up and misunderstood because of me being harsh and tactless. for them, its always the worst combination. so they would just remain silent, which would make me more pissed off.

after that night, i finally realized and accepted the problem that i am facing.

my theory: i may be experiencing a case of bipolarism.

to be honest, i can't help myself from laughing with the idea of having it while you know a lot of people out there claiming they are too. its as if its something cool or somekind of a "unique psychological condition" so that they could justify their harsh and whimsical actions. okay, thats me being tactless again - sorry.

but i guess, you'll never realize its true meaning unless you started realizing its impacts; that you are consecutively hurting people you love and care about.

it is the worst feeling. seeing significant people wanted to move far away from you but they can't; simply because you also mean a lot for them.

it also pains me that as much as i want to recognize it, i just can't help it. its terrible that sometimes i started doubting even myself and my capabilities. thus, i end up either just letting the people i care about go or its me who move far away from them so that i could not hurt them anymore.

this is the type of burden that i usually hid behind my tactlessness. but there are times, you just can't simply bear it.

scared of being discriminated, i tried talking about it to someone. a stranger, who i do not know personally. but in a way, can relate to my issue since he also cares for someone who has the same.

he confessed it was a struggle at first, and actually until now, that he needed to overcome it because he loves the person. and he knows that the person also loves him back. there were so many things he had done; things he (and even i) never thought he (or i) could do for someone he loves.

"how did you manage?" i asked "you must have the most incredible sense of patience."

"actually, you just simply understand because it's not his fault if his neurotransmitters are acting up?" he answered.

it was a simple, no running around the bush and highly sophisticated explanation.

"wow. how did you know this? are you a psychologist?"

"no, just a programmer who happened to be in love with someone who is bipolar."

i was smiling but at the same time speechless.

kudos to this stranger, who is also celebrating their 19th monthsary today. hihihi.

***

to be honest, it is not easy writing this entry. well i guess, for everyone, confessing something very personal will never be easy. probably because by doing so, you are exposing a part of your humanity or weaknesses, wherein people may judge, prejudice and discriminate you.

but after everything that happened, i want to look at this differently. i want to reveal it not for other people to understand me as an individual, rather recognize this as a condition that may strike anyone.

hopefully, by next week, after vacation, i'll be able to meet someone that was recommended by a colleague. A professional, who her friend has been seeing before, regarding the same condition. Also, i am hoping i could drop by van gogh is bipolar again, for some tip in mood diet therapy. but if theres one good thing that i came about from this condition is that  i have a good reason to eat more steamed broccoli, as advised by that stranger.

for those, who have personally experience my meltdowns and swings, i am sorry.

for those who have stayed and still enduring me, thank you.

i promise to start writing blog entries again, even though many believe its dying because of twitter.

i also promise, i will be back. hopefully, this time... better.

8 comments:

Knoxxy said...

I hope all works out for you! Good luck!

ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ said...

"Willing liberates: but what is it that puts even the liberator himself in fetters? 'It was' -- that is hte name of the will's gnashing of teeth and most secret melancholy. Powerless against what has been done, he is an angry spectator of all that is past. *** That time does not run backwards, that is his wrath; 'that which was' is the name of the stone he cannot move. And so he moves stones out of wrath and displeasure, and he wreaks revenge on whatever does not feel wrath and displeasure as he goes. Thus the will, the liberator, took to hurting; and on all who can suffer he wreaks revenge for his inability to go backwards." Nietzsche in Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Blakrabit said...

I'm glad I never met your other self! Haha! The first step in solving a problem is admitting you have a problem which is the most difficult part. I envy your courage and somehow I can relate with you distancing yourself from family, albeit, on a different reason.

I wish you all the best, my friend.

jamie da vinci! said...

my physiology prof once advised us to "literally" count to 10 before we ever decide to react, be it out of sheer happiness or otherwise. something about giving the higher centers of the brain time to catch up with the more immediate, primal responses of the limbic system. with training, i guess, it allows your brain to adjust and thereby avoid sudden, possibly irrational bursts of emotion. that's her opinion anyway.
i however believe, and i speak of this from experience, that sometimes, how our world has just made everything easily INSTANT has made inhibition, as well as exercising discernment a bit more challenging. twitting, blogging, FB and how we all feel entitled to say what we want to say, unmindful of the consequences, has indeed made a lot of angry and angrier people, i myself am one. you know me diba? and you know how abrasive i can be, something i know i wasnt back when i was younger.
so now im relearning how to be mellow again, tempering a temper i know i have. discovering that sometimes it's more tiring to hold on to petty things than embrace the immense good of just letting go. its good you had this realization, it at least is a step to embetterment. here's to your success ewik. knowing how stubborn you can be, your success is inevitable :)

Kane said...

You managed to confront yourself, and I think that is the hardest battle of all. It takes a lot of courage to be honest, and I am impressed.

I wish you well sir. =) and I am happy to hear you shall write again!

K

LJ said...

I can definitely relate with this. I can say that I am not the best son and the best brother out there - sometimes, they say that I am selfish. Who isn't>

The great thing about all of this is how were able to realize the things that you need to work with. There are also things that you need to accept.

Cheers to more me-time walks!

Guyrony said...

During College our professor told us of the id, ego, and the superego where the first is our primal instinct, the second is the mediator, and the third is the conformist.

This is where the problem lies sometimes. We can't help it. The id mostly wins - we think and say what we have in mind abruptly and that's that - but things change and things will change.


It's good you are seeking professional help.

We'll gladly await your next update.

Unknown said...

Muhteşem gerçek türk swinger çift arkadaşlar ile tanışmak istiyorsan fantaziler gerceğe dönüşsün.