demons and wonderlands

"why don't you face your own demons, erick?"

"because i think if i do i will be miserable."

this is my own way of dealing my issues. hearing and thinking of others' stories as an escape from mine.

basically, i tend to clutter my thoughts. tire it 'til it goes pitch dark, 'til it gives out white noise. i may not be totally victorious, but atleast i have burried them down for the meantime. though they kept on casting stones at my window last night, leaving me sleepless.

thinking is something very tiring to do, especially these past few days. its like looking for something that you haven't met before though you feel its presence. its exhausting and its draining. while some say its liberating. but can someone really claim his total freedom?

for me, facing your demons is like standing on the edge of a deep dark well. either you jump over it and walk forward or you surrender yourself in an eternal free fall.

everyone has their own demons in them, regardless of any classifications. these are those things that keep on itching inside you and struggling to go out. but we keep on pushing them back, trying to hold them as perpetual secrets. we repress it for we are scared of its possible outcomes like acts that may go out of control; feelings that may overcome rationality; and even lust that may lead to addiction.

i admit, i am not that brave to face nor conquer my own. and admitting this is the only brave thing i could do so far. but if this is the only thing that will keep me intact and sane, can you blame me for it?

for in a world full of vicious and conniving wolves, where all are hidden underneath deceiving sheep skins, its really difficult for one to look and join his "real" flock. but the thing is, if one keeps on rubbing about his lays and petty talks of superficiality as if they are the only things that actually move life, will you expect people to take him seriously? can he blame the universe for not giving him the other half of their soul? or can he even point others for always being left behind?

sad to say, but i guess, the definition of machismo has already reached its universality and this isle of desolation; expressed by the number of sex, depicted by rounded off inches and measured by face trophies. and the worst part of it is that it already made the game borderless and endless, to the point that everybody is already trying to play alice, just to justify things through their own self-built wonderlands.

at the end of the day, i can say that i am no preacher nor moral thrower. but if these are the demons that life had set for me, then perhaps, not facing them is "my" right track.

bitchesa experiment 4: kontrabida lines

its been a while since i have been compiling and thinking of kontrabida lines. well, i guess this is my release. trying to be perfect the kontrabida beneath the silent, shy and dorky guy that i am... whatever!

in short, since wala na si dabo, ang aking partner sa mga bitchesa experiments namin, ako na lang muna mag isa. tribute ko na sa iyo ito... enjoy!

'“Mabilis ba mabuntis ang mga bobo? Bakit ang dami niyo?”

"Malakas ka pala kumain.halatang galing sa hirap."

"Kailangan na natin ng bagong biktima. Hindi na humihingi ng awa ang isang ito."

"(tugon sa mayabang na matanda) kapag inaalala mo ba ang childhood mo, naka SEPIA?"

"Bakit kaya ako single? pero ang mas nakakapagtaka, bakit ikaw meron? "

"Wala kang kwenta mas masahol ka pa sa DIZ IZ IT!!!"

"Nilalamig ako, magsunog ng alipin."

"(talking to someone with bad breath) Hulaan ko, pinainit at hapunan mo yung laman ng timba sa ilalim ng lababo noh?!"

“Shucks, it’s so hard to be pretty noh? Ay sori, you wouldn’t know nga pala.”

"Kapag tinitignan kita, bigla akong naniniwalang galing talaga sa unggoy ang tao."

"Namumublema talaga ako sa mga pimples mo, hindi ko na din alam kungsaan pa sila pwede tumubo.

"Ay balbon ka?! Maswerete daw yan! Maswerte kasi naging tao ka pa!"

“Siguro taga-Marikina ka, kasi mukha kang takong!”

"Ito pala ang feeling ng hampaslupa. kaloka!" - isadora, iisa pa lamang.

"What a coincidence the word UGLY starts with U."

“Ang gwapo ng lalaking ipinalit mo sa akin.mula ulo, mukhang paa!”

"Masyadong tahimik. nabibingi ako. bottomin ang mga bihag!"

"I was born beautiful, ikaw.. You were just born!"

"Buti na lang at nag hiwalay na tayo, dahil bigla kong narealize TAMA NA ANG CHARITY CASE!"

"Excuse me, hulaan ko agahan mo, tae noh?! "

“Everyone’s entitled to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege!”

reopening the close season

*a week worth of blog hiatus. school load killing my muses!

its been a long time since i last saw her. and honestly, i no longer remember when it was, where we were, what she wore nor which side her last smile to me leaned.

all i could remember was, everything that we were--- before that. when we were still in college. when we used to share the same bed, same plate, and even the same shirts and pants. and most especially, when we found our comfort from each other's differences.

so it was really an indescribable delight when i heard a familiar screech while i was working on some illustrations in a nearby coffee shop. it asked me in a very thin and almost intolerable voice, "kamusta ka na??!!!"

it was her. it was really her. blankly staring at her, felt like i have been teleported back to the past. as if time had forgotten to include her from the trip all of us is supposed to take. she didn't change a bit. she has the same smile, the same hair dance and even the same stance. and it was when we went to our kamustahan, that my initial reaction was confirmed. she is still single, no suitors and as we used to joke it, hymen still intact.

but if theres one thing that really caught my attention from what seemed to be an almost endless conversation that day, was this story she told me. when her friends actually asked her, if she still wants to be a woman in her next life. and she answered, "NO. i prefer to be a man." ofcourse her friends followed up,

"so you mean, you want to try the "other dish" without having what you could have right this very moment?"

"who said i am changing my menu?"

basically, my friend has this very absurd believe that nowadays, it is easier for men, compare to women, to get a fellow men for a partner.

"where did that came from?" i asked after laughing at the top of my throat.

***

three days after, i then overheard H telling Q, who is on the verge of losing hope with the love hunt, that there is so many men in the metro that you wouldn't really run out of one. infact, there are even some who got two or more for their fun.

come to think of it, he has point. the realization started to sink in, as if the universe took a sudden pause from its order, to connive on this idea in me.

well with the problem of over population that our country is currently facing, indeed, its impossible for someone to ran out of a potential partner. but the real question here is, how to fish that "one" out of a pen of a million jumping anyones?

the difficulties of finding a partner don't really reside on the absence of a possibility rather it is from how an individual take those chances for granted.

some say, you have to be rigorous and never lose hope in finding him/her. thus, one put him/herself in this what seemed to be an endless pile of date buffet. doing ocular inspections, sorting out the enticing, interesting and attracting one from the nots. then try if it will suit one's pallete and if it will even last.

while some argues that you just have to wait for that invisible hand or that wheel of fate to place it infront of you.

but personally, i would rather go with the former rather than depening on the latter and miss and regret something that i haven't done a thing. you see, i want to believe that i could be so clueless and insensitive sometimes--- alright, make it most of the time.

for my friend's case, i can offer her a hundred reason why she can't land herself with a partner despite having the looks, personality and brain. she may either be looking in the wrong place, may have a very high requirements, or she maybe doing nothing at all.

but i believe that regardless of sex and gender, it is indeed easy to get a partner. but determing what kind of it is the one that really matters.

nowadays, one can get laid easily over a bottle or two. some can even get it at the back of of bus; seats or even on the walls of a public urinal. the possibily is endless and with the aid of technology, it can even be not a problem at all.

but looking for a long time/life partner, however you may define it, in aspects of commitment and set ups, is an entirely differnt thing.

i think looking for love is difficult simply beacuse of its worth. i may sound too idealitic or romantic on this, but for personally, this is where i want to put my nose on.

come to think of it, it can also be practical depending on how you look at it. for i know a good number of people who find it difficult to let go, despite the depletion of love and passion to their partners, simply because of the "investments" they've put in the relationship.

it is pratical because it avoids decisions and regrets out of whims and immature arguements. it is pratical because it tends to remind someone of the hardships he have gone through to have this, before crossing the line of infidelity or even unforgiveness as the result of the prior. it is practical because in the end, it is no longer the love or sex that will bind the two, rather it is the companionship or friendship they have built before and during the time they've known each other.

lastly, i guess the whole love hunt is indeed a part of a process. though there can never be a concrete formula for love, the struggle of finding it contributes to the totality of the entire experience. and at the end of the day, we will then realize, that everyone still deserves his own fair share of life--- whatever that may be.

clairvoyance

i had a dream.

in it, i saw myself standing on the center of a spacious patio, covered with colorful but broken tiles. i really can't picture what the entire collage looked like, from where i am standing. but looking at the dark and gloomy clouds above, i guess, its showing sadness to heaven.

then i started walking towards that massive cathedral, blankly staring at me. as if calling my name and knew who i am. i never thought that such structure can be that seducing. thus, i heed.

its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

then i remembered pushing a pair of huge wooden door, that despite its size, it was so light that i doubted if my palms were really touching and pushing it. when i stepped inside, there was an ongoing mass. i really cant remember the last time i heard one. so in a way, it was already plain nostalgia to me.

i don't even remember what the sermon was all about but whatever it was it made me remember J again.

it has been years since the last time i saw J and it was just that night that i wondered where J is.

as usual, we lost communication from the last time we saw each other. it was never been an issue to me since it has been that way ever since. i guess where not really fond of talking and it was mostly silence that moved us together (and apart too).

you see, even in such young age, we were already in this kind of set up. eventhough we don't know what it is called during that time. lets say it was distance that pushed us to take or risk it. and for me, it was hope that made me stay. but never really knew what J had that time.

i never believe in love is waiting. probably because if it is indeed true love, you'll never let the person to wait for you in turmoil. and of course, all these realizations just came after J.

i remember there were nights before that i would received messages from unknown numbers soliciting comfort and advises from their problems. and being the goody goody me, i would always reply back to them even without asking who they were. i never had problems with it. perhaps, because at the back of my head, i always believed or made myself to believe, it was J.

i sat on a long empty bench, positioned almost infront of the altar. patiently observing almost everything infront of me. trying to patch up the memories that have been wiped away by time. the cross, the face on it, the picture of pain on a mother's face and even the conviction on the priest's sermon.

then i wondered how J was. probably because, i never received any messages from unknown numbers anymore. i wonder if J has the same problems again? how is J dealing with it? why is J not texting me anymore? or if J already found another person to ask?

honestly, i am no longer expecting for any of these questions to be answered. i am already contended with the pace that i am going through with my life. and i guess, what i could only hope for is for J to have the same and to have a good life.

suddenly, i saw a small boy struggling as he approached me. then he tripped, fell and hugged my knees. i picked him up and asked him if he was alright. then he giggled. hahaha. i almost blushed.

then i looked at him. he had a smile that could melt all the loneliness away. a pair of dreamy eyes that could lift anyone's soul. he was such an adorable kid that for a moment made me think if cherubins are real. i wanted to take him home. then nostalgia hit me again.

whats with this dream and nostalgia thing? i asked myself.

then i heard his parents softly calling him. so i gently carried his left arm as he turned back from me and looked at him as he struggled back to his parents. when he reached them, one of his parents smiled at me as a sign of gratitude. but when i was about to smile back, in my surprise, i saw J sitting beside the two. and J smiled too.

from there, i caught myself making the longest smile that marked my lips at this very moment and even woke up still smiling. in a very strange way, i felt really REALLY good about it.

***

several days after, out of extreme boredom and without anything to do, i decided to logged on in my old friendster account to check who from my friends are still actively using it (in this facebook-dominated time). and while, i was scrolling down the updates, i actually saw J's name. J posted a photo album, with this picture on it.

then i caught myself again doing the same long smile. i never imagine myself to be this happy for J or for any of my ex.

for at last, someone had finally convinced and made J to settle down. something that i guess, i can never do and J can never have and be---

with me.

digitays layf

sana, gaya ng halos lahat ng bagay ngayon, digitized na din ang buhay.

na kasing dali lang ng pagpindot ng enter key ang pagsuong sa mga kailangang harapin

at pwede ding mag CTRL Z sakaling magkamali.

sana pwede ka'ng mag <--- o ESC kapag hindi mo na kaya ang problema

at mag Shift F7 kapag nalilito na.

sana pwede ka'ng mag CTRL C para magkaroon ng mga bagay na meron ang iba

at mag CTRL X sa mga bagay na gusto mong lang agawin sa kanila.

sana pwede ka'ng mag CTRL S sa mga bagay na ayaw mo'ng mawala sa iyo

at mag F5 kapag gusto mo ng sumuko sa lahat ng ginagawa mo.

magbagongbuhay thru CTRL ALT DELETE

at maghanap ng true love gamit ang CTRL F.

pero biglang kong naisip,

madalas, pagdating sa mga pangarap na ganito,

karamihan sa atin,

laging hanggang "SANA" lang tayo.

random summer thoughts

the summer heat came in early this year. so we decided to hit the beach earlier too...

its been a while since i've been to this so called mecca next to malate. and surprised to see how many people were there that time. isn't that peak season suppose to start around mid-march? well, i guess we should thank global warming for that.


***
though most of the beach tourists were filipinos, i was just surprised to see how many foreigners were there. no surprise to koreans, obviously, since they're everywhere (no pun intended). there were even a number of bars along the shore that seem to be cafe bola in greenbelt. foreigners sit there from sun rise to moon set. well, i guess, someone from the DOT is really doing his job.

***
i just miss the beach. despite the scorching summer heat that really whips the skin, the sea was surprisingly soothing and chilly. its even interesting to see how the beach strips off the hesitation from everyone. some were flaunting how gorgeous their bodies look, while some just didn't care.

***
the place was generally serene, calm(ing) and inspiring... too inspiring that im already thinking of getting into shape again.

so who i am with? i'm with some close online friends...

and the most popular among them is this guy...

can you guess who this guy is?

the tits clue should already be a give away. hahaha!

giving up???
alright, one more clue...

so who's your guess???


.

..


...










TAMA!!! he's my inspiration in getting back to shape!

ANLABO NOH???!!!

hahahaha!!

walang connection!


kaya nga random di ba?! hahaha!

enjoy your early summer ovulation este heat pala, guys!

*photos courtesy of pedrong kawali.