letter in the closet

dear dad,

perhaps, just like me, you are freaking out with this idea that i am writing you a letter. i thought of stripping down all the silence and hesitations we have had for the longest time, just for a change.

i grew up half of my life without you around since you have to work abroad to provide us with descent life and education. when i was a kid that i forgot how you look like and i would mistook my uncles or any male adult visitors as you. then mom would immediately call you and inform you about this.

one rare morning, i woke with you sleeping beside me with arms tightly wrapped around me. i cried so loud that moment, i think the loudest i ever cried. i ran towards mom's warm embrace seeking for refuge against you, who i thought was a hostile stranger. she then introduced you as my father. looking at your face felt like i was staring at my own reflection. then the resemblance confirmed everything.

the following memories were probably the only clear pictures i have of our father and son bonding. you taught me how to ride my first bike, play basketball and help me build my first buildings out of my lego blocks. i also remember crying whenever you would go to your friends and other relatives without me tagging along. I would cry all day long until you come back home. i also remember you teaching me my first prayer and even my first pretty boy posed, that i would forever regret doing.

we were almost inseparable. it was always a picture of you and me. me being your mini-you.

then one morning, i woke up again without you beside me. mom told me that you just went out to visit some relatives. but you didn't come back that day. no tears fell from my eyes, just a longing feeling of your warm smile and embrace.

years swiftly went by. i gained many recognitions from school with only mom around. but your face never left me again. until one day, i opened the door seeing you standing infront of it. your picture was not as tall as the last time i remembered it. we were almost of the same height. it was as if an immediate response to hold your hand and softly press it on my forehead. then you immediately went in and called for mom and my other siblings, something different from what i have long expected.

when grandpa died, you've decided not to go back abroad and tried politics instead. then you decided to bring me to bicol to pursue highschool there. my first year in bicol was the loneliest year of my life because for such young age, i had to endure homesickness alone and the difficulty of adjusting and meeting new friends since you're always not around. but you never knew this. when the rest of the family followed the next year, we had countless quarrels about almost everything. i was almost on the verge of rebelling just because of the simple reason that i was jealous of other people: for me, you were always there for them but not for your own son.

when i decided to go to baguio to pursue college, you took the initiative to drive me there. honestly, it made me smile. i taught, you would advise me of the things i need to know along the way. but you still remained silent all throughout the trip. we made a stop in manila to get some rest. but when we were about to continue the other half, you broke the news that you won't be able to come to baguio because of some reasons. you dropped me off infront of the bus terminal and i went to baguio all by myself. no place to stay and no person i know. it was one of my most challenging adventures. but luckily, i survived.

during my four years stay there, i learned how to be completely independent, in exception of financial matters ofcourse. and then when i went back home for my first semestral break, you saw me as an entirely different man. i grew my curly hair long, having a built as thin as the bamboo trees in our backyard, and wearing a rugged attire that is dirtier than the damp clothes we have in the kitchen. for the first time ever, you broke your silence and scolded me about how i ran my life. i completely understood where you were coming from, knowing the expectations most parents bestow to their eldest child especially if it is the eldest son. but instead of feeling down, i felt glad because for the first time again, i caught your attention.

when i graduated college, it was only mom (again) who accompanied me on the stage. you just waited for us outside until the ceremony ended. when we were heading back home, i told you i am thinking of taking up law. i saw the slight surprised in your face. for i knew, you always wanted to have a lawyer son. so i pursued it. but working and studying fulltime struck its toll on me until i decided to file my LOA the next year. even without words, i knew, it broke your heart.

now, without any work and no longer in lawschool, i am having problems calling you up today to greet you a happy father's day. for we both knew, that we have an ego or pride that is as high as the empire state building. mana ako sa iyo, eh. same reason why you can't scold me because you see yourself in me when you were in my age (atleast based from my mom).

but i promise you, which is also the true intention of this letter, that someday you will also be proud of me, with the decisions i made or will make, regardless how different it is from yours and other people's expectations: and that you will realize that even in your silence, that maybe different from what other parents do to their children, you have raised us well, that we have learned to love you that way and will always be proud of having a dad like you.

as i end this letter, i want you to know that you may not be the perfect father in the world, but you will always be the perfect father for us. and eventhough i may not be the son that you always wanted, i can still be the best child that you will always be proud of and forever be grateful having.

dad, happy father's day.

from your mini you,

me.

***

manong, kahit di mo sabihin, alam ko tatay ka at feeling ko wala din sa iyong babati dahil kung meron nasaan sila?

kaya happy father's day, manong! kahit ako na lang...