bed thoughts

when rationality is at its peak, its the emotions that fail.

ofcourse, how many times have we heard that everything should be in balance and something in excess is dangerous? but are rationality and emotions something measurable? or how can we even know if one is ahead of the other?

for the past days, i have been swarmed with so many thoughts to the point that i just found myself thinking about them. paralyzing, if i may say. futile, perhaps. and absolutely depressing.

then one morning, i woke up without anything to do, damn stubborn getting out my bed. and out of nowhere i asked myself, when was the last time i cried? for a second, it amazes me to know that i can't even remember it anymore (yan ang tunay na lalaki, my ass!). but eventually, i felt a bit alarmed with the idea. thus, i tried asking myself again, when was the last time i giggled over a romance movie or a book i read? when was the last time i uttered sweet nothings to people dear to me? when was the last time i genuinely got scared because of the loss of someone?

i was just literally there, thinking. trying to recall these things. i felt literally loss because of the absence of answers. then i realized, probably,if we tend to keep on rationalizing almost everything in our lives we end up being numbed about it. and that is as good as an appliance with purpose but without fun.

i admit, i am a person that is so weak when it comes to his feelings. that is why i tend to rationalize things up in order to have a harder shell. but in doing so, i end up just tough outside but empty in the core.

i have thought perhaps if i lavish myself with things without thinking about them to much, whether i'll be happy or get hurt in the end, then atleast i have felt something.

but oh yes, father, i have done the worst so far inorder to feed that craving: to feel something again, i have literally alienated myself in doing something i should have not done in the first place. something very stupid.

but i have realized how A is dear to me. how A cared despite everything that we have gone through. that A chose not to inflict the pain that i am asking simply because A knows i am more than that person i am trying to be that time.

at the end, i have learned that there is nothing wrong with lowering our guards as long as we are wise and responsible enough in owning our actions.

sigh.

now back to my regular programming.