baler

 “Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea”

- Ana, y tu mama tambien 

this year marks a good start of another way of communing with myself. 

through silent howls and dancing currents

through remnants of everything we have left behind

i have learned more how to commune with you

How Secret Lives can take Lives but still keep It a Secret

Its just one of those regular scenes.

Inside a wide room, where clouds are suspended and other paradoxes secretly happen, Leron took his usual spot. No longer a noob when it comes to this but definitely a first after a very long time. 

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"Sometimes I just hope they could expand this side of the spa."

Both of them smiled but inside, Leron knew its the queue.

After a series of small talk exchanges, they have decided to go out and spent some time over a couple of bottles; waiting for the day to break. Leron was in the mood of being too generous and offered a ride.

Inside, both of them were silent, still waiting for who will make the first move. Leron decided to put his focus on the road while the passenger was busy checking his phone. The trip going to a destination has always been the most awkward part for Leron. Its a usual scene of no one wants to take the lead; scared of making a mistake that would either lead to a bad impression or ruined everything they've mutually invested. Both were bounded with rule is the lesser, the safer. 

Eventually the passenger decided to break the directionless drive.

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"Do you want to go to the hotel I am checked in instead?"

Leron abide, relieved that they have already a definite place to go. He taught, he was no longer used to this. 

Surprisingly, they parked in front of another hotel, three blocks away from what he thought they were heading. Leron started doubting if it was really the name of the hotel the passenger said. He might be hearing different things already since he has been awake for more than 24 hours, straight from days work. So Leron just convinced himself that its probably part of a common drill.

Bravely, they ventured along piles and piles of dark alleys and forgotten scents until they have reached a makeshift castle, where the forsaken have probably owned it as their paradise.

Leron was caught out of his expectations. Hesitations started pumping in. Leron started to feel an internal struggle to pursue this or not. However, he thought that the act has already been decided and it should be done.

The passenger took the lead as paths of thousand turns reveal like a labrynth of lost souls. Leron thought they could have already done it there but the howls of yesteryear's repressions were too distracting behind those moisten walls.

At the end, they have reached what Leron thought to be a dungeon, a small and humid box that looks like the package box of the bed in the middle. Dismayed, he just wanted it to be done and over with before he loses his determination. But when he was just about to close the door, two men brute fully broke in. 

"Did you know that you are with a minor?"

Leron was just too surprised to spur a remark. It was as if words dried out from his throat.

"Did you know that we can file a complaint against you for this?"

Suddenly, images of people he loves started flashing; faces he have kept his secrets from just because he did not want them to get hurt.

"Do you want us to tell this to the authorities or perhaps we can bring this out in the public?"

"NO!"

Familiar voices, similar prejudices, he was convinced he is not yet prepared to face this.

"I can settle this! this is just a simple misunder..."

"P10,000.00 then! pay us P10,000 and we will let this pass!"

"But I do not have that much."

"He is lying," finally the act was revealed, "I saw his wallet inside the car. He pretty much have that amount. If not, he has cards too.'

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"Give us your pin number. We (but refering to other guy) will withdraw the amount for you. Just make sure that you are telling us the truth or else."

Leron was now in full remorse. He cannot believe that he was dragged into this scheme. All he could think of was to knocked the heads out of these people. But before he could land his fist to the person nearest to him, the three immediately violently tackled him down. One strongly held both of his arms. The other grabbed his legs while the passenger started pulling his pants off. Leron never felt so helpless.

When the passenger successfully pulled his pants off, he immediately took his wallet, Iphone5 and car keys. Leron told himself, he cannot let this pass. He just cannot forgive himself for letting these people do this to him. In an instant, he heard himself screaming for help. He knew that the other occupants are already aware of whats happening inside.

But suddenly he felt a wide and rough fabric around his neck. The man who was holding his arms before, wrapped a military belt around and started strangling him. Leron immediately held it, convincing himself he cannot die there. He needed to fight back. But the other guy who was previously holding his legs threw strong punches on his chest and face. He was starting to lose count. Everything was beginning to blacken out.

He tried to look for the passenger, thinking of having a last look of the person who dragged him there. Probably thinking, he would look for him on the other side.  But the passenger was no longer inside the room, probably headed to his car, where most of his belongings are also in.

But when he was about to accept his fate, the buckle of the belt broke. He never felt so much appreciation to the air that started filling his lungs. He immediately kicked the guy in front while the guy at his back was relooping his belt. Eventually, the owner of the apartelle, along with other faces (Leron can no longer remember), came in and started shouting at the brutes. The two immediately fled.

Still trying to gain his strength, a pants and shirtless Leron tried chasing them--- alone. No one inside dared to go with him. Outside, he saw two shadows running toward the directions of where his car was parked. He shouted--- screamed for help. But again, no one dared to respond.

When he reached the parking space, the picture of his car still there was a relief. He immediately went to it and checked for anything that could clear his suspicions. The car was still locked; his other phone and cardholder were no longer there. 

He immediately ran toward the guard of the hotel in front of him, begging to call for police.

"What happened?," the guard on duty asked.

"I got robbed! Call the police!"

"By who?"

"By three men. Please call the police."

"Are they the three guys who pass by here just now."

"Yes! Now, call the cops!"

"But isn't one of them the same guy, you are with when you parked the car in front?"

"Manong, can I just explain it later. Please call the cops!"

"Unfortunately, I don't have their numbers."

It was unbelievable. All he could think of was what he have done to deserve all this. Fortunately, one of the front desk staff, who was silently listening to the conversation, approached them and said,

"The cops are already on their way."

When the cops arrived, Leron was asked with the standard questions. Based from the manner of asking, he felt like they already know what happened. Later on, it was revealed that a similar case happened two weeks ago in the same area.

"So what is the update?"

"We are still investigating it. We have leads but they need to be validated further since the victim refused to give clear statements. Can you tell me how you meet this guy?

Silence. Everything just happened so fast that Leron have not yet prepared himself from these questions. He knows that if he says the truth, this will be put on the police record with his real name on it. What if his parents requested and learned about it? What if this will be used in the court and read while his loved ones are there? What if his loved ones find out?

But if he don't, these guys will still be on the loose and another person may be robbed, beaten or worst dead. Hence, Leron decided to push through the case. Unfortunately, he needed to fabricate some parts of the events just for his secret not to be compromised.

At the end, he is just grateful that he is still alive and praying that no one will endure the same experience he had.

***

Writer's Note:

I took the liberty of writing Leron's story to at least expose these existing and growing modus operandi. He might not have told the complete truth to the authorities but at least by sharing his story, a life may be saved.

Currently, Leron is still recovering from the bruises and trauma he have endured. But in general, he is trying to be fine and will definitely take this as a major life lesson.

These scenes are not new to most of us since crime can happen to anyone. We have heard similar stories of people getting killed or robbed out of a supposed to be one night stands and home service massages.

Despite these, I believe that there are still best practices we could observe to avoid such situation. Many may not agree with it but at least for some people I know, these have helped them in mitigating these situations from happening.

·         White stalking

Waiting for the fruit to get ripe is sweeter than not waiting at all. For some, they would usually allot a specific time before inviting someone over. This period are usually allotted in doing some due diligence or in layman's term, stalking. Yes, just like lying, there is such term as white stalking. Maximize social media. Check his friends (or your mutual friends). The places he go. The things he does. These enable one to check the identity and profile of a person.

• Dress NEVER for the kill

It is more advisable to go out in low profile. Bring only a simple talk and text phone. If possible, just bring one card, which could finance you all throughout your itinerary. Distribute your money and not just in one pocket or wallet.

• Safer Impressions

More than how you look, conversations usually take the bigger part of the impression pie. Also, for many individuals who are planning something bad against you, it is what you say that confirm whether you are a right target or not. Hence, talk about things that interest you and not what you have inside your closet. Challenge what the other thinks and discuss more about the person more than yourself.      

• Private in Public

It is always recommended to do it in a neutral zone. Neutral zones are basically hotels or motels, where it is easier to seek assistance or help just in case an untoward incident happens. It is more advisable not to invite anyone inside your house neither entertain an invitation to go to theirs.

• In the event you only have a smartphone, maximize your mobile apps

There are a lot of mobile apps nowadays that can be put into a more specific but practical use beyond what they are intended to do.

Mobile App Trackers – There are a number of mobile apps that you could use nowadays to at least protect your smart phones. Most of these apps allow you to track your stolen phone. Take a picture of whoever is trying to break in to your account and even remotely wipe out files and data from your device to protect your information. Some of these are the following: iCloud’s Find my Iphone, Samsung’s Locate my Mobile, Cerberus, GotYa!

Cloud storage apps – Intended to store and access same files in different devices, These apps can be later used as a good applications to identify a possible suspect. Just make sure that it is linked with another device. So in the event, someone stole your phone and decided to take a selfie of himself, these mobile apps will automatically upload and share it to the cloud and other devices linked to it.  

Social Media Check-ins – Let your friends and families RANDOMLY know where you are, especially if you are going somewhere by yourself. Just in case, this give them good leads.

At the end, I believe that no one can judge anyone because of the decisions s/he makes and the situations s/he subject him/herself into. All of us have our reasons, which many may not understand. However, in each of these situations, we are still responsible for the decisions we make and we ought it to ourselves, our families and love ones to be at the very least safe. 

salamat, pare

*an attempt to write a coming of age short story for a writing class many years ago.

Sure na ako, Rod.

Saan?

Bakla si kuya.

Ang totoo, naloka talaga ako sa sinabing yun ni Jake nang minsang tawagan ko siya. Bigla akong nagdalawang isip kung itutuloy ko pa ang balak ko.

Kababalik ko lang nun fresh from the city of pines para sa halos isang buwang sem break. At siyempre, isa siya sa mga agad ko’ng tinawagan para tagpuin. Hindi na nga kami nagkabosesan. Matagal-tagal na din kasi ng huli kaming nag-usap. Alam mo na, busy sa college life, adjustments and all that. Lalo na sa mga pagbabagong narealize ko duon. Ang tanda ko na nga, may mga realizations nang nagaganap.

Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Jake. Bigla akong naniwalang may pag-asa pa ang world peace. Ang laki ng pinagbago niya. Hiyang-hiya ang Doc Martens, na suot-suot ko at mainit-init pa galing UK-UK, sa gara ng kanyang boy next door look, nang magkita kami. Ipagyayabang ko pa sanang bente pesos ko lang nabili ang suot ko.

Bumukol ang matipunong pangangatawan ni Jake sa suot niyang puting shirt. Kapansin-pansin ang gamunggo niyang mga utong sa likod nito; and I confess father, may biglang pumitik sa loob ng brief ko. Pero malice aside, hindi mapagkakailang lumabas ang tikas at likas na kagwapuhan niya ngayon. Malayo na sa gusgusin at pilyong bata na mahilig umakyat at pumapak ng hilaw na aratilis. Hindi na nga mapagkakailang lahi talaga sila ng mga modelo’t artista. Nasan ba kasi ang nanay ko nung single pa ang tatay niya? Ewan ko ba.

Kuya?

Oo, Kuya ko, si Kuya Mark.

Anim na taon ang tanda sa amin ni Mark. Pero technically, mas matanda kami sa kanya dahil leap year siya pinanganak. May minsan din na pinagdudahan namin na baka special child siya.

Pero habang lumalaki kami, madalang namin siyang makasama ni Jake. Tahimik at reserved kasi siya. Kundi nagpapawis sa basketball ay nagkukulong lang siya sa kwarto. Kaya hindi na ako magugulat kung pagkakamalan siyang may sariling facebook ng mga imaginary friends. Teka, nasabi ko na bang leap year siya pinanganak?

Pero in a serious note, noong namatay ang tatay nila isang taon matapos makapasa ni Mark sa engineering board, siya ang sumalo sa pamilya. Winner siya sa pagiging Gawad ulirang kapatid. Sabay niya kaming tinuturuan ni Jake sa mga assignments at review college entrance exams namin. At kahit ngayong patapos na kami sa kolehiyo, siya pa din ang nagiging takbuhan namin kapag may mahihirap kaming mga proyekto.

Paano mo naman nasabi?

Basta parang may nagbago kay kuya. Napansin ko lang, pare parang pasikip ng pasikip ang damit niya,

Huh?! bakit ikaw?

Rocker ako. E, Siya wala namang banda.

            Siguro ngayon alam niyo na kung bakit kami magkaibigan, he never fails to surprise me. Kung may sariling mundo si Mark, may sarili namang perception sa mga bagay-bagay itong si Jake.

At ang choice of colors, ang sakit-sakit sa mata, daig pa ang reflector ng jeep.

Ayaw mo nun hindi siya masasagasaan kapag gabi.

Tapos puro branded pa. Paborito niyang brand yung… yung folded and twang,

Folded and hung.

Ang brand na galit ata sa mga big-boned at obese dahil daig pa ang baby Guess at Osh Kosh Bigosh sa fit.

Oo yun! saka… saka yung people is people.

Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Basta ang alam ko magaling si Jake sa Math.

At meron pa minsan nakita ko tshirt niya, Kamiseta. Di ba brand pambabae yun?

Baka naman metrosexual lang si Mark. Magkaiba ang pagiging fashionable sa pagiging bakla no.

Sabihin mo metrosexual, isang metro na lang homosexual na.

Oo na, daig ko pa ang supot sa pagiging transparent at halata sa itsura ni Jake na hindi siya kumbinsido sa mga sinabi ko. Naisip ko tuloy, papaano ko na lang sasabihin sa kanya ang totoo?

Yun nga din ang naisip ko. Pero ito, pare, madalas kapag gabi, tuwing pinipick up ko yung extension ng telepono sa taas. Nahuhuli ko siyang laging may kausap na lalake.

Lalo akong kinabahan. Mukhang aagawin pa ata ni Mark ang moment ko. 

Baka naman best friend niya.

E, Babae ang best friend niya.

Oo nga pala si Shiela.

Akala ko nga girlfriend niya yun dati. Hindi pala. Ang weird pa nun, babae ang best friend niya. Hindi ka ba nagtataka? Madalang na may pinakikila si kuya na lalaking kaibigan pwera na lang sa mga teammates niya noon.

Bigla kong naisip ang basket ball team ni Mark. Kung sineryoso ko lang sana ang basketball noong tinuturuan kami ng tatay nila, e di sana may I join the varsity na din ako ngayon. Aba, libre kaya ang tuition fee ng mga varsity sa amin. May libreng tanghalian pa.

Hindi naman basehan yun.

Kunsabagay. Pero yun nga lang din, pare. Iniisip ko paano na lang kung magladlad si Kuya? Kanino na ako manghihiram ng damit kapag naka bestida't make up na siya? Sino na ang magiging kalaro ko ng basketball kapag lumamya na kilos niya? Imagine, ang rookie of the year at MVP ng school ay isa palang manash?!

            My God! 1990s pa ng huling narining ko ang salitang Manash. Naawa ako bigla kay Jake. Naturingan na best friend ko siya but he is so out dated with the latest lingo. Pero may I shift ang topic ng bigla kong napansin ang takot sa mga mata ni Jake.

Ang kaparehong takot na nakita ko sa mga mata ni mama noong hinatid nila ako sa bus terminal patungong Baguio, noong gabing nakipaghiwalay sa akin ang una kong girlfriend at noong inamin ko sa mga kabahay ko ang tunay kong pagkatao.

Bakit lahat ba ng lalaki tubero o karpentero? Lahat ba ng babae housewife? At kung magkaganunman, ano naman ang masama dun?

Tahimik na napatingin lang sa malayo si Jake. Doon ko na nafigure out, na ito na nga ata ang tinatawag nilang drama.

Naalala mo si Sir Arceo, yung paborito nating teacher sa Chemistry. Di ba inamin niya sa atin noong graduation na bakla siya. Tingin mo ba malalaman nating bakla siya kundi niya sinabi? At wala namang nagbago. Siya pa rin ang paborito nating teacher nun, ‘di ba?

Hindi pa din umimik si Jake. Na-isnab ang ganda ng Lola Arceo ko. 

E, si tito Mike, yung engineer na kasama nila papa sa firm. Si Dr. Uy yung doctor ng papa mo noon. Di ba bakla din---.

            Natigil ang eksenadorang speech ko nang nakita kong nakatingin na lang sa akin si Jake. Mas intense na ang mga mata niya. Mas deep, dark and mapang-usig. Yeeeess! mapang-usig.

Pamilyar ang mga titig na yun. Kung hindi lang Jolina Magdangal sabihin parang natutunaw ako sa mga titig niya, siguro bumigay na ako. But don’t get me wrong, tama na ang isang press release for the day. Dahil sa ngayon, mas kailangan ako ng kaibigan ko.

Madaling sabihin yan kapag ibang tao, Rod, pero ibang kaso na kapag malapit sa iyo ang pinag-uusapan.

Jake, ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin, hindi  lahat ng bakla parlorista. At hindi din naman masama maging parlorista. Ang mahalaga wala kang inaapakang iba. Respeto lang yan para irespeto din tayo.

Maya-maya’y nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang pagkailang ng unti-unti linapit ni Jake ang mukha niya. In that distance, halos mabilang ko na ang hibla ng kanyang makapal na pilik mata, ang mga linya sa kanyang mapulang labi at maging ang biglang pagbago ng ekspresyon ng kanyang malamlam na mata. Then I realized, na gusto ko na lang tumambling sa pagiging matalinghaga ko.

Nakkkksss, ang lalim.

Sira! Sabay kotong sa kanyang bumbunan.

Arayyy… Actually, pare. Okay lang naman kung bakla si kuya. Walang kaso dun, promise! Ang ayoko lang e yung  pagtatawanan o gagaguhin siya ng ibang tao dahil bakla siya.

Napatahimik ako sa sinabi ni Jake. Bigla ko’ng naisip ang mga kapatid ko. Ganun din kaya sila sa akin?

Mahal ko si kuya at alam mo kung ano ang pinagdaanan niya nung mamatay si papa.  Kaya nga kung tatanungin ako kung sinong tao ang pinaka deserving lumigaya, para sa akin, si kuya yun. Ayoko siyang makitang malungkot o umiiyak. Ayoko siyang kinukutya o pinagsasamantalahan. Makakapatay ako, pare. Pero ang mas kinakatakot ko ay ayoko din makitang tumanda siyang malungkot at nag-iisa.

Alam mo, Jake. May nagsabi sa akin dati, na ang pag-iisa ay hindi kapalaran ninuman. Ang kapalaran natin ay produkto ng sarili nating mga desisyon at ginawa sa buhay. At sa tingin ko sa lahat ng mga ginagawa ng kuya mo ngayon, hindi siya kailanman tatanda mag-isa. Dahil kung sakali man na wala siyang makikitang mapapangasawa o makakasama sa buhay, nandiyan ka, mga kaibigan niya at ang pamilya niyo para samahan siya.

Biglang may tumulong luha sa pisngi ni Jake. Ang totoo nagulat talaga ako nang makita ko siyang tuloy-tuloy nang umiyak. Yun ang unang beses na nakita ko siyang nagkaganun. Kinuha ko agad ang panyo ko sa bulsa at inabot sa kanya, habang pinagdadasal na hindi niya mapansing hindi R ang initial na nakaburda doon. I know, minsan my pagka-old school din ako.

Seryoso, tol. Siguro kung naririnig ka ng kuya mo ngayon, for sure sobrang proud yun sa iyo. Maswerte siya dahil kapatid ka niya.

Ulul! Mas maswerte ka dahil kaibigan mo ako at ikaw lang ang nakakakitang umiiyak ako. Halika nga dito.

Biglang inabot ni Jake ang kanyang braso sa akin. Yes, may ilangan factor noong una, pero inakap ko na din. Doon ko napagtantong, tumatanda na nga talaga kami. Marahil dahil sa tagal naming magkaibigan, virgin pa kami sa yakap ng isa’t isa. Pero ang totoo, natuwa ako at naiiyak na din.

Pare, Salamat! Sana dito ka na lang nag-aral para may nakakausap ako ng ganito. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko katagal tinago ito. Gago ka! Ikaw lang pala ang makapaglalabas nito.  

Tumuloy-tuloy na ang pag-iyak ko nang narinig ko yun. Marahil namiss ko lang talaga ng husto si Jake.

Dahil din dun, mas lalo kong naramdaman ang importansiya namin sa isa’t isa. Malungkot isipin na hindi na kami tulad ng dati, wala na yung mga batang paglalaro lang ang iniisip, kung ano ang uso at kung saan village dadayo.  Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, mas masaya ako sa ganito dahil napag-uusapan namin ang mga bagay na di naming kayang sabihin noon.

            Malapit na, tol. Malapit na, bulong ko kay Jake habang yakap ko siya, at huwag kang mag-alala, dahil di ko kayang lokohin si Mark dahil mahal na mahal ko siya.

Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ni Jake pero sa wakas, nasabi ko na din ang gusto kong sabihin. Subalit imbes bumitaw, naramdaman ko ang lalong paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin sabay sabing,

Salamat ulit, pare.  

ten interesting things that makes me smile

how you would try stopping yourself from stopping me in experimenting or putting too much in everything i cook

how you would always discreetly watch, wait and catch me as i slowly sneak in my bed after a heavy meal then nag me the entire day

how you will wait for me the whole day and surprise me with a festive dinner (but also makes me sad because you are such a great cook!)

how you would always move away and just wait outside a grocery store just because you are too embarrass to buy "that"

how you would look at me while i am sleeping; completely having no idea that i am actually staring back at you

how you would be masungit when i am sweet and sweet when i am masungit: and realizing that being on the same state makes us a disaster to each other

how you could be as paranoid as i am about possibly overdoing so many things about us

how you would stop me from locking the door whenever i use the bathroom

how you will giggle whenever you recall the etymology of “kums” and “wabs”

and lastly, how you will probably smile after reading this 

*** 

thank you for staying and showing the strength in what others had given up to

confession of a swinger

almost every night, i walk from my office to rada st. for some evening work out. and for the past seven months, i could actually say that this evening routine have given me the chance of having my "me-time" again after each day's work. it reciprocated the 2-hour bus rides i used to take from makati to quezon city before (although i still prefer the latter).

each night's conversation made me realize a lot have actually changed from the last time i have posted something on this blog or from the last time i have ranted regarding my past life.

i would usually catch myself chuckling as i recall how petty my issues and concerns were. i have goosebumps whenever i ask myself why i went gaga over this person? or how i came up with that stunt of running fire exit stairs from ground to the fifth floor just to prove to the company physician that i have an abnormal heart so that they can allow me to resign.

but who doesn't have those moments, right?

haay. i miss being this.

i guess, the bulk of me missing a lot of things and people is because of these "me-time" walks. i eventually see the "missing part" as a confirmation that a lot have changed. and for someone like me, who used to  breathe for spontaneity and adventure, this is the worst part of  growing up: developing "that" sense of settling down and complying with the norm of being mature.

currently, i've been extremely busy with work. i am meeting a lot of people but most of them are twice and even thrice my age. i've been juggling several job tasks from business development, marketing, HR, and operations; handling three teams with highly distinct functions. though i am not complaining, in fact, i am enjoying it because it challenges me.

but unfortunately, the pressure at work took a toll in my personality. people started noticing that i easily get irritated with simple things, mood swings attacks, and became harsher with my words .

like, i remember having this rare vacation with my family in bicol last year, which ended up, me shouting and even questioning my dad as a parent. and yes, that is in front of him and my entire folks. the reason: he cannot bring me to the nearest airport the following dawn (which was around two hours away from our town).

after our fight, i packed my things and left. my parents then followed and tried convincing me there were no longer any bus trips around that time. they were literally negotiating with me in the middle of the highway. but i was just silent. i remained silent. but inside, i was so pissed that i wanted to prove to them that i can leave, that i am used with travelling late and in remote areas, and they are wrong and i do not need them.

true enough, after an hour, i was able to catch a bus going to manila. i can clearly recall, climbing those steps without looking nor saying goodbye to them. i took the last empty seat at the back. and when i finally realized i was alone, instead of congratulating myself for proving to my parents i was right, i cried.

it was the most horrible feeling. i was struggling to hold my sobs because there were passengers inside already sleeping but at the same time i was trying to pull out something very heavy inside my chest because i cannot breathe.

fifteen minutes after, i received a text message from my dad, apologizing for whatever reason that offended me. it was just then that he explained (which i did not gave him the chance to), that he was just not feeling well that night. from there, i started asking myself,

why did i not ask first?

what went inside me that i suddenly bursted?

and where did the melt down come from?

it took us 8 months, before my dad and i started talking again but we never discuss that incident anymore.

two months ago, i received a call from my mom, asking me to help my younger sister regarding some of her finances in college. bothered, i asked my mom, why my sister have to recourse it to her, instead of her talking to me directly?

my mom told me that my younger sister is just scared from me. she is scared that she might say something wrong that will give me the reason to shout at her and eventually reject her requests.

i told my mom that i do not have a temper. but she was able to convince me by admitted that all of my siblings are actually scared of me.

i was shocked.

i was never close with my siblings. in fact, i am the only one not living with them here in manila. but i would always cherish those times when we only have each other as friends and playmates.

but remembering it now, made me realize how in denial i was back then. suddenly, images of my sisters and brother started popping up while i am writing this post. all of them are crying. crying because of something i said or did.

yes, i am starting to realize, i am a bad son and a brother.

so the other night, i seek confirmation from some of my closest friends about it and all they just gave me was a big nod.  they would recall some incidents where my decisions and  behavior will just instantaneously swing. how out of nowhere, they would see me very numb, apathetic and harsh about almost everything. but what really makes them annoyed was how my observations and good intentions are "sometimes freakingly" mixed up and misunderstood because of me being harsh and tactless. for them, its always the worst combination. so they would just remain silent, which would make me more pissed off.

after that night, i finally realized and accepted the problem that i am facing.

my theory: i may be experiencing a case of bipolarism.

to be honest, i can't help myself from laughing with the idea of having it while you know a lot of people out there claiming they are too. its as if its something cool or somekind of a "unique psychological condition" so that they could justify their harsh and whimsical actions. okay, thats me being tactless again - sorry.

but i guess, you'll never realize its true meaning unless you started realizing its impacts; that you are consecutively hurting people you love and care about.

it is the worst feeling. seeing significant people wanted to move far away from you but they can't; simply because you also mean a lot for them.

it also pains me that as much as i want to recognize it, i just can't help it. its terrible that sometimes i started doubting even myself and my capabilities. thus, i end up either just letting the people i care about go or its me who move far away from them so that i could not hurt them anymore.

this is the type of burden that i usually hid behind my tactlessness. but there are times, you just can't simply bear it.

scared of being discriminated, i tried talking about it to someone. a stranger, who i do not know personally. but in a way, can relate to my issue since he also cares for someone who has the same.

he confessed it was a struggle at first, and actually until now, that he needed to overcome it because he loves the person. and he knows that the person also loves him back. there were so many things he had done; things he (and even i) never thought he (or i) could do for someone he loves.

"how did you manage?" i asked "you must have the most incredible sense of patience."

"actually, you just simply understand because it's not his fault if his neurotransmitters are acting up?" he answered.

it was a simple, no running around the bush and highly sophisticated explanation.

"wow. how did you know this? are you a psychologist?"

"no, just a programmer who happened to be in love with someone who is bipolar."

i was smiling but at the same time speechless.

kudos to this stranger, who is also celebrating their 19th monthsary today. hihihi.

***

to be honest, it is not easy writing this entry. well i guess, for everyone, confessing something very personal will never be easy. probably because by doing so, you are exposing a part of your humanity or weaknesses, wherein people may judge, prejudice and discriminate you.

but after everything that happened, i want to look at this differently. i want to reveal it not for other people to understand me as an individual, rather recognize this as a condition that may strike anyone.

hopefully, by next week, after vacation, i'll be able to meet someone that was recommended by a colleague. A professional, who her friend has been seeing before, regarding the same condition. Also, i am hoping i could drop by van gogh is bipolar again, for some tip in mood diet therapy. but if theres one good thing that i came about from this condition is that  i have a good reason to eat more steamed broccoli, as advised by that stranger.

for those, who have personally experience my meltdowns and swings, i am sorry.

for those who have stayed and still enduring me, thank you.

i promise to start writing blog entries again, even though many believe its dying because of twitter.

i also promise, i will be back. hopefully, this time... better.