introspect

sometimes

the mind whispers more than what

the body can comprehend

two bodies linger on what seem to be

an inconcrete sensation

looking

digging

deeper towards the recesses of memories

the bodies are perfect as usual

exactly, how we imagine

funny how fantasies titillate us

makes us craves

for a hundred fulfilling promises

set us to false journeys

then leave us with a cringing pain

funny

how at the end,

one will realize

it is only ourself who can provide us that reuniting pleasure

--- and only i,

can make myself moan

dilemma

A and I decided to meet in glorietta at 7pm last saturday. i just came out from work while she came from the gym and we thought of pigging out in dads afterwards.

A is one the closest clients i had for a project. as unprofessional as it may sound, unexplainably, we were able to transgress our working relationship outside of business.

she is a very interesting woman. she has this weird fascination with lace and loves wearing them on her hair, stitched it on her dress and even make it as a bracelet and accessories. and regardless, how disconnected they were with her pink gym rubber shoes that day, she still chose to wear it. indeed, she is weird. but i like calling her unique. even her work is unique. well, she happens to be the only woman doing her job in the country. and no, she is not dra. fortun.

on our third plate, i called for a tummy break. darn! we weren't even on the dessert part yet. then i wondered,

"A, why haven't you settled down yet?"

oh no, did i just think it out loud? good thing she didn't take it personally.

"actually, i am not sure. i just can't find him, i guess. why did you ask?"

"mmm... just curious."

she is already on her 30s but looks way younger. she is pleasantly unique and good looking, intelligent, witty and funny. she confessed over one of our past dinners that she haven't had any serious relationships nor went back to the dating scene since she broke up with her last boyfriend years back.

"so who are you often with?"

then she started saying guy names. there i figured,

"all gay men i supposed?"

surprised, she asked, "how did you know?"

" well other than the times you keep on answering me with, 'WIT!' as 'NO' and asking me, "bakirt?" for "bakit?" is already a give away but realizing that you are still single and often hang out with gay guys actually made a lot of sense."

* * *

then i remember, a close friend, a self-confess hardcore fag hag.

"im convinced! i want to be a man in my next life."

"why? giving up in finding mr. right?"

"actually, it is the very reason why i want to be reincarnated as a man. i just find it easier for gay men to find a relationship."

"but have you ever thought how long these relationships last?"

"it doesn't matter! it is better to challenge yourself rather than just wait and witness life chances pass you by."

she actually made a point.

* * *

"i enjoy their company after my best friend introduce me to their circle," A explained.

"let me guess, is he your male best friend from college, who you fell in love with before you knew he was gay."

she laughed with embarrassment, "and the worst part of it, was i cried and blamed him for not telling me because i already have too much emotional investment and expectations on him."

we both laughed.

"imagine, when he introduced me to his secret circle in one of their parties. all good looking men that you will never have a hunch they were gay. i was just laughing the entire time. even came to the point that i end up sleeping in between them on a king-size bed that night and realize at the end that it was the safest place in the world. who needs a boyfriend if you have an entire crowd, right?"

"i think, you just don't know anymore."

"uhm. so are you playing fortune teller now? don't know what?"

"hahaha. you just don't know how to handle men anymore. i mean heterosexual men"

from there, i just noticed her turn red.

"perhaps, i just find straight men boring these days and difficult in keeping a good conversation with."

"OR you just can't stop comparing them with your gay friends."

silence.

"are you open with the idea of being single your entire life?" i was starting to be straight forward at that point.

"i think so."

"but do you still hope of having a family of your own?"

"of course!"

"A, I am not suggesting you detach yourself with your gay friends because i perfectly understand how you enjoy being with them but i guess, for the hope of you having a family, it will be best for you to prioritize."

"what do you mean?"

"lets say after this dinner, you received a text from that good looking new office mate of yours, inviting you for a coffee and then seconds after, you also receive an invitation from your best friend saying his throwing another house party. who will you say yes?"

another brief silence.

"i guess, i know what you mean. it just feels like im facing this dilemma and the only way out is to always go back to where i feel i am comfortable with."

"well, i guess, that's an innate response."

in the perception of some girls, particularly fag hags, gay guys are the epitome of a perfect man. they believe, most gay guys are smart, intelligent, possess remarkable sense of humor, emotional, thoughtful and most importantly, very sensitive and empathic. and if extremely lucky, they can also be really good looking and at the same time physically fit compare to other heterosexual men.

unfortunately though, they knew, being perfect is next to being impossible--- simply because of preference. while some are just believers. they believe that there is that hope that they can turn a gay guy (they like) straight then eventually end up crying but becoming the best of friends at the end.

i guess, i just find A a catch. a treasure that most men fail or miss to turn as of the moment. she may be unique on her own way but i believe that she can be the best other half for someone who is also looking for a lifetime partner.

funny what A told me before we called it a night. how she would love to be reincarnated as a gay guy too just to find mr. right easier (when i was just about to tell her that story of my close girlfriend).

if she only knew.

hey, did we just confirm a sign here or what? :)

exploring FREEdom

it will always be there. the rag of horses galloping inside my chest drawn by uncertainties. but the unfamiliar scent of the boarding area i took that day made me realize how different it was from the other lane i usually take.

the departure area was way more silent; almost barely empty; as if it was indeed a living machine brewing loneliness and griming farewells. i can just imagine how many people cried in this sea of waiting and lonely benches. while the lane at the other side was full of people excited to be reunited. honestly, being inside the departure area, didn't really help me with the fact that i will be going out of the country alone and for the first time.

the three hour flight was spent mostly of reading the same magazine (i've been reading in that airline for almost two months that time); writing mental notes and itineraries, practicing some commonly used local phrases and convincing myself that everything will be alright as long as my sense of direction will not fail me, that i know how to read and i have enough money in my pocket.

so as soon as the captain welcomed us to Suvarnabhumi Airport , i knew its wanderer mode on. so the first thing i did was to exchange my money to the local currency; buy a local sim card since our receptionist forgot to activate the roaming service of my line; and find a local map.

but never did i imagine that i will be welcomed by an immediate challenge.

looking my way out, the sign boards and maps made me felt like i was a five year old kid again just staring and figuring out what those doodles meant. so i thought of asking for directions instead.

from the airport, my plan was to get to khao-san road, where most of my friends recommended me to go because of cheap accommodation. just to realize later that its recommendable if you are coming from bangkok airport and not from Suvarnabhumi, which is like 2 hours away from khao-san during non-rush hours.

nonetheless, i politely approached and asked a man who was waiting for the shuttle service.

"sewasdi!" the first word i learned. the man warmly smiled, bowed his head while both palms are together. unlike here in the philippines, people in thais are more welcoming to people who looks like them.

pretty cool and nice, i thought.

but the moment i asked, "would you know how can i get to khao-san road from here?" his warm face turned into something that resembles into fear. he immediately waived his hand as a sign of rejection and immediately just move away from me.

what did i say wrong? is khao-san road a very dangerous place? and prohibited in this country to be talked about? did my friends just throw another prank at me?

that incident made me a bit paranoid. it felt as if i missed out something in the picture. it took me another thirty minutes just sitting on one of the airport's benches to come up with another strategy. luckily, i was able to spot a tourist assistance center. for travellers visiting thailand, these centers are friends!

the receptionist told me that there is no direct route going to khao-san from that airport and just take a cab from there.

but i told her, no cabs (still brave enough to keep up in challenging myself) and will just take local transportation.

she smiled and told me to take the shuttle service going to the bus terminal and from there take another ride going to this place and then i just totally did not understand what she said next. so i just did what i understood. i bravely took the shuttle service passing the airport and just told myself to drop off where the bulk of people are dropping off. luckily, the strategy worked. i reached the bus terminal and immediately looked for the bus going to khao san road. unfortunately, the ticketing officer told me that there was no bus trip going to khao san that day and asked me to ride another bus which was later on objected by one of the dispatcher. and the story got more complicated and complicated. regardless, he told me to take a van ride going to victory monument. so again, i did what i was told and understood--- the last.

there are a lot of backpackers during that time, august. since most of the schools abroad are on summer vacation and classes resume by september. i met a lot of backpackers along my trip.

probably the rule of backpacking is always accommodate questions when you know the answer because almost everyone pays it forward and they know the dilemma one traveller faces in each trips.

on my way to victory monument, i met two korean girls who just came from another backpacking trip in indonesia and headed to the same route i am going. though difficult in communicating in english, there were sweet enough to give me tips on how to go by bangkok.

we bid goodbyes when we reached victory monument. the place at 7 in the evening is like cubao. buses were everywhere. crowd are coming from different directions. and even the people's faces were almost the same faces you don't seem to notice whenever you commute.

it was already 8:30 in the evening and i still cannot locate the bus number, the korean girls told me to take going to khao-san. actually, the moment i started reading and locating the bus numbers on each of the waiting sheds i passed, i kinda forgot the bus number they told me to take.

but im pretty sure it was 18. so when i finally found it, i immediately jumped on a bus number 18 and find myself the nearest empty seat. the bus conductor was holding like a piece of bamboo where in all the coins and tickets were place. i told her, "khao san." as i expected, she asked me again. i repeated. then suddenly a man sitting in front of me, waived the same hand gesture as the man from the airport gave at me. i am now really developing this fear of talking about khao-san. the man talked to driver in thai then informed me that i took the wrong bus. he instructed the driver to drop me off to the nearest waiting shed and advise to take bus number 32. i felt a bit relieved.

the moment i stood up, i bowed at him, made the amen gesture and said, "kub kun kup." just to realize eventually that "kub kun kup" is thank you when refering to girls. it should have been "kub kun krap" since i am thanking a man.

it was total a disaster believe but all i can do that was to laugh at at myself the entire time. it was already 9:30 in the evening. so that will be 10:30 in manila since the latter is an hour ahead. it was really a long day and all i can think of is just to get a hotel and sleep the entire night. i figured, i just have to give up and hail a cab. so i tried. surprisingly, i noticed that it seemed like all the cab that pass by happened to have someone seated in the passenger seat. then i remembered, vehicles here are right-wheel drives! argh!

so already desperate, i hailed a tuktuk instead though i know they are far more expensive than taxis. eventually, we agreed with the amount and headed to khao san road.

to be continued.

patience also waits

three years ago, there was a boy who just kept on ranting about almost everything after college. he ranted about how he missed his friends in baguio, how he needed to spend so much just to have a good conversation over stranger after strangers, how he struggled in watching movies alone and keep all his thoughts to himself after the curtains close; and how frustrated and lonely he was walking along empty streets just to go to work, which he didn't even like, every sunday.

like any fresh graduate, he was full of idealisms and ambitions. he wanted to achieve and experience so many things and believed that he can do far more than what he was doing during that time. he was very anxious; as if he was always in battle with time. though he never really wanted to be rich nor famous, he was just simply scared that he might end up not doing the things, even him was not sure what they were. but after countless searches and attempts, he started trimming his options; bothering himself every night asking, what he did wrong and what he didn't do?

countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.

until an opportunity came.

there were a number of considerations at first but he still grabbed it. the environment was completely different. even in his wildest dreams, he didn't imagine himself working as one. of course there were times when he got tired and almost gave up. but during those time, he will always go out, waive a cab, pass it along a familiar building and ask himself,

"do you still want to return back to this?," while looking at different (un)familiar faces smoking, talking and enjoying every last seconds of it outside. he will pause and then his answer will make the cab turn back.

never did he realized that most of the things he was worrying about before just started landing one at a time in front of him.

i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.

tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.

some he have already forgotten.

while some he remembered though the memory of every thought made this man a stranger even to his own words.

so whats keeping him busy these past months?

mostly work,

about a new company project,

a new team he is handling

and most of all, MORE wandering...