Friday, September 25, 2009

guiltless someone

R came one moonless night. accentuated with the profoundness of silence and the mystic of the rarest words. after a rich exchange of electronic pulses, we decided to meet the shadows of our past once again.

"what are you having?" i asked.

"a can of beer please," same thing i have in mind, "just to beat the nervousness, i guess."

we both smiled.

i grabbed four cans of strong ice, different from what I usually have, some bags of chips and something for dinner. an excuse to satisfy a different appetite.

when we reached my place, i put a couple of discs in the player just to neutralize the awkwardness. but we never really had the chance to finish either one of them. apparently, it was our similarities that led us and found the ease within our peculiarities. I thought, if this is being filmed, the song comfort in your strangeness would be the best fit for the scene.

I know from R’s voice that what were going to do/be is wrong. on the otherhand, I could also see in R’s eyes that we have the same definitions of near abstract concepts, that make us different from others, that makes us the bad crops in the basket. but I think being deviant also has its perks.

when the cans crumpled dry, the bed then invited us over. we gently laid down beside each others’ bodies, like fragile ice blocks about to break, cold but sweating. suddenly, i heard the sneaking shadows of our past as it landed on my window pane and silently slipped inside my room. then in an instant, it grabbed our arms and held our bodies as they led us dancing and sweeping our hesitations away. we heard drumbeats, that seemed like no one could hear; deep breathes that sounds like a thousand dying candles, and endless humming of night beasts, as if they too are celebrating.

but no, no one really called for a celebration. for we both knew we just crossed the word fidelity, or did we?


and when the bed broke its leg and the sheets fell down, words began to come back like fireflies in a bleeding friday sunset. we looked for shattered pieces on the floor. but too scared to see our own faces. but we guessed, theres no longer room for cowardness. so we slowly crawled at the edge of the exhausted cradle and surprised to see that there was nothing down there. there was no guilt, no shame and it felt like were just seeing each other for the first time again. the feeling of oddity came from the absence of it, as if it transgressed and vanished right into thin air.

I never really understood it, or perhaps it was never intended to be.

but i realized, in a reality full of reasons and rules, were people care so much with order and traditions, believing what is right and good is already as hard as finding the truth.

the next morning, as R slowly walked away from my room, I thought, perhaps there is really no truth, that all of us are destined to find our own versions of it and it just so happened that I just had mine but i chose to let it go for the promise of finding, not the best, but at least a better or more suitable one.


Tristan Tan said...

We can choose to be happy, always.

dabo said...

flawless writing.. a two or three more adjectives, several provocative verbs you could cross the boundaries of eroticism..

this one is so surreal. it's like the brain doing the fucking and sucking.. not the mouth, not the groin.

--- --

hay fidelity... what a word to soothe the senses..

jinnakexds3 said...

"I thought, perhaps there is really no truth, that all of us are destined to find our own versions of it"
-i love it... :)

pie said...

haynaku... sad, ewik.

yes, we find our truths.

Eternal Wanderer... said...

for we both knew we just crossed the word fidelity, or did we?


ooooh, stolen moments itu! ;)

tim said...

wow, we always choose to be happy.. and i believe we can do it...

Aris said...

minsan, hindi na kailangang maghanap ng paliwanag at kailangang magpatianod na lang upang lumigaya.

another well-written piece, my friend. ang ganda ng images. damang-dama ko ang emosyon. :)

Trip said...

i envy u ewik. how could u right about sex without the "cock" and err... "cunt" in the picture? hahaha

ok. i am seconding dabo. this is surreal. hehehe

citybuoy said...

hmm very interesting. i'm a firm believer that we make our own happiness. as long as you're not hurting each other, go go go!

Anonymous said...

"I thought, perhaps there is really no truth, that all of us are destined to find our own versions of it" - i really like this. so much. :)

and like dabo and trip, this is surreal. it arouses the mind and feeds it with so much more.

Looking For The Source said...

sabi nga ng coke.. open happiness..

happiness is a choice.


lucas said...

sensual and brimming with truths in a way you only have the license to do. very well done :)

i envy your courage for facing the past, and just let it slip by once again.

red the mod said...

And I thought I was a decent wordsmith, hehe. Your prose resonates with such eloquence that the deed seem almost poetically poignant.

Truth is an elusive dream, whose boundless imagination inhabit our fears and desires, the carnal and the contemplative, the painful yet prosaic. It is almost introspective in the way the surreality of it unfolded. Like a dream amidst the fogged night, whose embrace envelops with uncompromising defiance.

We are creatures of emotion, seeking validation in the oft fleeting moments afforded by another warm body. And the truth we seek is as simple as the choices we commit to. By doing so, fate deals us the cards we subliminally yearn for.

And echoing the previous comments, yes, happiness is a choice.