appreciated

cj was one of those freshmen, craving for attention and trying to enter the senior's circle of the group. he was hyper active and was tag as boy bibo by most of us. but i never conceived it as something positive. probably because we were the complete opposite.

i was always the aloof one, trying to be a loner and observing a distance from everybody else. i never desired for attention and just wanted everything to be done by my own. in short, i deemed myself as the non-team player. but being the head of the group, i was obliged to socialize from the rest of the members and made sure that the group was intact. so it was inevitable for our paths to cross.

one day, 3 hours before our play starts, i was busy finishing and polishing some props and stage designs, when CJ popped up from nowhere. he was one of the supporting actors of the play and had the least thing to do while i was the technical director. since he was done with all of his rehearsals, he approached me and started eyeing what i was doing. although i know he was just getting my attention again, like he usually does, i felt really annoyed, especially because i get easily irritated whenever someone is disturbing what i am doing and to top it all up, he was actually insulting it.

i silently sighed and told myself, to be patient for he is just a freshman. i ignored him and continued what i was doing. but he would not just stop, i calmly asked him not to bother me since i am cramming. i moved all my things to the veranda and continued finishing it there. but CJ was really testing my patience. he followed me, picked one of my paint brushes and started stroking what i was doing. a heavier sigh moved my chest. then random thoughts spurred inside my head until i found myself asking him, minsan ba, hindi mo narerealize na hindi ka naapreciate ng ibang tao? (don't you sometimes realize that people don't appreciate you?)

then there was a sudden silence. puzzled, i slowly looked at him and saw his lips wide open, eyes bursting with tears but no sound came out of his mouth. i realized that he was not just offended, he was crying his heart out. he immediately ran inside the house, opened the door and hailed a cab. everyone inside was surprised and it created a big commotion within the group. but i did not run to follow him.

in a way, i felt guilty. but at the back of my head, i thought he deserved it. sometimes we just need to get hurt in order for us to have a wake up call.

three months had passed. CJ was still not talking to me. but i am not moved either. but i really felt his gradual change. he was no longer fishing for attention and quite sensitive in relating to others. i thought what i did actually helped him.

until one day, he started talking to me again. but it was no longer the way he used to. i saw his smile but it was quite different from before.

i know, i have seen that smile from others' faces before--- oh right! he's inlove! and later he confirmed.

i never saw him that happy before and it looked like my biases for him faded as well. he confessed that he is dating someone from another organization and was really thinking of taking it seriously. honestly, i was very happy for him.

then a month passed, CJ was no longer attending our meetings and i didn't see or felt his presence for a time. well, i understood. the guy is courting someone. what can we do?
until one day, i saw him slowly walking along the pathway; head down with a blank face. i never saw him that way or probably i am just not used of seeing him in his down moments. i asked him if he was alright? he just gave me a nod and went straight home.

i wondered what bothered him. then i saw the person he was dating with my former roommate, having the time of their lives together underneath oblation. in a way, i understood what he was going through.

then after an hour, i saw his housemates panicking. they informed me CJ committed suicide. it became a big news in the campus. fortunately, he survived.

weeks after, he was back again. but now with a bigger smile despite the murmurs of what he have done. he remained on his ground and pretended as if nothing really happened--- his life or better yet his second life continues.

the semester ended and another came through swiftly. then someone told me CJ was not enrolling and transferred to another campus. years passed and we lost contact. the campus also forgotten what happened. until one day, i have heard CJ was actively involved in another group in their province and was no longer with his family. until, i have heard that he already joined the movement. i was surprised. i never thought with my wildest imagination that a former freshman who once entered our audition, with a perky smile and whimpy attitude would sacrifice everything and hold a gun to fight for what he believes and uphold the rights of many.

i never heard from him anymore. the last time i saw him was here in manila which happened to be just a coincidence. we had a small chitchat in the middle of an ongoing rally which i just happened to pass by. he told me about his experiences, how he adjusted massively, and how fulfilled he was in what he is doing now.

his words moved me. i was actually having second thoughts if i am actually speaking to the same person. then in the middle of our conversation he asked,

do you still remember the time when you made me cry?

i chuckled.

do you still remember the exact line you have told me?

i paused and made a nod.

thanks--- that was the last word he said to me.