confession of a swinger

almost every night, i walk from my office to rada st. for some evening work out. and for the past seven months, i could actually say that this evening routine have given me the chance of having my "me-time" again after each day's work. it reciprocated the 2-hour bus rides i used to take from makati to quezon city before (although i still prefer the latter).

each night's conversation made me realize a lot have actually changed from the last time i have posted something on this blog or from the last time i have ranted regarding my past life.

i would usually catch myself chuckling as i recall how petty my issues and concerns were. i have goosebumps whenever i ask myself why i went gaga over this person? or how i came up with that stunt of running fire exit stairs from ground to the fifth floor just to prove to the company physician that i have an abnormal heart so that they can allow me to resign.

but who doesn't have those moments, right?

haay. i miss being this.

i guess, the bulk of me missing a lot of things and people is because of these "me-time" walks. i eventually see the "missing part" as a confirmation that a lot have changed. and for someone like me, who used to  breathe for spontaneity and adventure, this is the worst part of  growing up: developing "that" sense of settling down and complying with the norm of being mature.

currently, i've been extremely busy with work. i am meeting a lot of people but most of them are twice and even thrice my age. i've been juggling several job tasks from business development, marketing, HR, and operations; handling three teams with highly distinct functions. though i am not complaining, in fact, i am enjoying it because it challenges me.

but unfortunately, the pressure at work took a toll in my personality. people started noticing that i easily get irritated with simple things, mood swings attacks, and became harsher with my words .

like, i remember having this rare vacation with my family in bicol last year, which ended up, me shouting and even questioning my dad as a parent. and yes, that is in front of him and my entire folks. the reason: he cannot bring me to the nearest airport the following dawn (which was around two hours away from our town).

after our fight, i packed my things and left. my parents then followed and tried convincing me there were no longer any bus trips around that time. they were literally negotiating with me in the middle of the highway. but i was just silent. i remained silent. but inside, i was so pissed that i wanted to prove to them that i can leave, that i am used with travelling late and in remote areas, and they are wrong and i do not need them.

true enough, after an hour, i was able to catch a bus going to manila. i can clearly recall, climbing those steps without looking nor saying goodbye to them. i took the last empty seat at the back. and when i finally realized i was alone, instead of congratulating myself for proving to my parents i was right, i cried.

it was the most horrible feeling. i was struggling to hold my sobs because there were passengers inside already sleeping but at the same time i was trying to pull out something very heavy inside my chest because i cannot breathe.

fifteen minutes after, i received a text message from my dad, apologizing for whatever reason that offended me. it was just then that he explained (which i did not gave him the chance to), that he was just not feeling well that night. from there, i started asking myself,

why did i not ask first?

what went inside me that i suddenly bursted?

and where did the melt down come from?

it took us 8 months, before my dad and i started talking again but we never discuss that incident anymore.

two months ago, i received a call from my mom, asking me to help my younger sister regarding some of her finances in college. bothered, i asked my mom, why my sister have to recourse it to her, instead of her talking to me directly?

my mom told me that my younger sister is just scared from me. she is scared that she might say something wrong that will give me the reason to shout at her and eventually reject her requests.

i told my mom that i do not have a temper. but she was able to convince me by admitted that all of my siblings are actually scared of me.

i was shocked.

i was never close with my siblings. in fact, i am the only one not living with them here in manila. but i would always cherish those times when we only have each other as friends and playmates.

but remembering it now, made me realize how in denial i was back then. suddenly, images of my sisters and brother started popping up while i am writing this post. all of them are crying. crying because of something i said or did.

yes, i am starting to realize, i am a bad son and a brother.

so the other night, i seek confirmation from some of my closest friends about it and all they just gave me was a big nod.  they would recall some incidents where my decisions and  behavior will just instantaneously swing. how out of nowhere, they would see me very numb, apathetic and harsh about almost everything. but what really makes them annoyed was how my observations and good intentions are "sometimes freakingly" mixed up and misunderstood because of me being harsh and tactless. for them, its always the worst combination. so they would just remain silent, which would make me more pissed off.

after that night, i finally realized and accepted the problem that i am facing.

my theory: i may be experiencing a case of bipolarism.

to be honest, i can't help myself from laughing with the idea of having it while you know a lot of people out there claiming they are too. its as if its something cool or somekind of a "unique psychological condition" so that they could justify their harsh and whimsical actions. okay, thats me being tactless again - sorry.

but i guess, you'll never realize its true meaning unless you started realizing its impacts; that you are consecutively hurting people you love and care about.

it is the worst feeling. seeing significant people wanted to move far away from you but they can't; simply because you also mean a lot for them.

it also pains me that as much as i want to recognize it, i just can't help it. its terrible that sometimes i started doubting even myself and my capabilities. thus, i end up either just letting the people i care about go or its me who move far away from them so that i could not hurt them anymore.

this is the type of burden that i usually hid behind my tactlessness. but there are times, you just can't simply bear it.

scared of being discriminated, i tried talking about it to someone. a stranger, who i do not know personally. but in a way, can relate to my issue since he also cares for someone who has the same.

he confessed it was a struggle at first, and actually until now, that he needed to overcome it because he loves the person. and he knows that the person also loves him back. there were so many things he had done; things he (and even i) never thought he (or i) could do for someone he loves.

"how did you manage?" i asked "you must have the most incredible sense of patience."

"actually, you just simply understand because it's not his fault if his neurotransmitters are acting up?" he answered.

it was a simple, no running around the bush and highly sophisticated explanation.

"wow. how did you know this? are you a psychologist?"

"no, just a programmer who happened to be in love with someone who is bipolar."

i was smiling but at the same time speechless.

kudos to this stranger, who is also celebrating their 19th monthsary today. hihihi.

***

to be honest, it is not easy writing this entry. well i guess, for everyone, confessing something very personal will never be easy. probably because by doing so, you are exposing a part of your humanity or weaknesses, wherein people may judge, prejudice and discriminate you.

but after everything that happened, i want to look at this differently. i want to reveal it not for other people to understand me as an individual, rather recognize this as a condition that may strike anyone.

hopefully, by next week, after vacation, i'll be able to meet someone that was recommended by a colleague. A professional, who her friend has been seeing before, regarding the same condition. Also, i am hoping i could drop by van gogh is bipolar again, for some tip in mood diet therapy. but if theres one good thing that i came about from this condition is that  i have a good reason to eat more steamed broccoli, as advised by that stranger.

for those, who have personally experience my meltdowns and swings, i am sorry.

for those who have stayed and still enduring me, thank you.

i promise to start writing blog entries again, even though many believe its dying because of twitter.

i also promise, i will be back. hopefully, this time... better.

discreet and fear

"hindi ako takot, discreet lang ( I am not scared. I am just discreet)"

way back, i always believed that the reason why some gay guys chose to be discreet is because they are simply scared. they behave and act based from what is expected or to simply put it to blend in, which is probably the most effective means to protect one self.

but would it be possible for someone to be discreet without being scared?

perhaps, i am one of those fortunate enough to have walk this route of life and met people not everyone has the chance to: or perhaps they have, but failed or refused to recognized them.

many would argue that life is simply composed of bilinear concepts. two fundamental elements that compose life: good and bad, black and white, man and woman. several years ago, the introduction of a wide spectrum brought about the introduction of several colors, which in turned caused massive arguments, even until now.

but what makes it surprising is how an emerging concept sprout even in between these struggling spectrum.   its as if it is continuously giving birth; as long as there is someone who will contemplate about it. many societies have discovered various preferences from gay to transvestite, transgender, bisexual, asexual to straight-acting, tripper, top, bottom, versatile, effem, butch, fairies and it seems like the classifications are endless. its interesting how from labels it transgress to preferences. how it creates political mistakes, modern sensitivities and even quasi-confusions bring about argument, debates with the end goal of introducing newer perspectives. its interesting how life will no longer be limited to just two, three, seven nor any definite number  that it has finally reach a range wherein it will eventually becomes endless as long as people will continue to contemplate and understand or even there mere denial.

hence, many would argue that you do not need to cross dress nor to be flamboyant  to say you are gay, which could probably be the same as saying: you can be discreet without being scared.

however, the mere claim of being "discreet" connotes several meanings. by definition, to be discreet is to be hidden. regardless, of reasons, the mere recognition of being one would mean that s/he is uncomfortable of revealing something. but i guess, this would not necessary say that someone is already scared.  or probably i am just contemplating on the statement too much, which was simply uttered out of the loss of a better term.

or am i?

two years

why stay in a relationship if you know its bound to end?

how long have they been together?

two years.

makes sense. 

what do you mean?

it seemed like two years have started to be a dreaded figure for some of my committed friends. it is like the new dropping curve for every relationship. and honestly, it is also beginning to alarm most people we know.

initially, images of friends with their partners, in their own ways, have striven to bring light among dying hopes and pessimism to most of us. beyond any chemistry and silent mushiness, it is already a delight just to have a mental picture of them. and even if we refuse to admit it, we have those little images, hiding underneath our cold pillows, which we go back to before we set sail for another dream each night.

then it becomes everyone's  dream to be in a somehow similar situation. who wouldn't? they understand the same means on how to overcome insecurities, trust and even infidelity issues. they know how to maintain a good  and never ending conversations and they can even see and understand beyond each other's imperfections.

how over the years they have stayed away from the complexities of these kinds of relationships that rot, probably the strongest foundations and just simply enjoyed it.

but its not easy, ewik. it takes a lot of maturity to own this, i remember one of them telling me this.

and then when we thought it was just about it, no one expected the worst thing coming: falling out of love.

i think they need to talk to clarify things. thats the problem when people act based from their assumptions. if they have already been together for that long, how difficult could it be to ask?

you know, even if my friend learned that his partner is not actually cheating, i guess it is already too late. he already cheated and started falling out of it.  

there was just so many things going on on this story. the guy is cheating because he feels that his partner does. he is cheating because he feels the abrupt and unexplainable coldness. or perhaps he is cheating because he is falling out of their relationship.

there will probably be a hundred more reasons, depending on whose perspective you will look at it. but at the end, i guess it will still be the same sad picture because no one was brave enough to know and ask why.

i never did find out where we were that day. 

He only said days with me were boring...

That we should end it... 

One day we might start over. 

For him "starting over" has many meanings.

- Lai Yiu-fai, Happy Together (1997)

so why do they still stay?

hope, regardless if its true, false or however you may define it, is simply the safest way to respond to uncertainties; with the least possible consequence of getting hurt. we hope not because we want the truth. in fact, we hope because we acknowledge the truth but too scared of what it may bring to us.

we stay because we hope. we hope because we fear of what will happen for each step we take. for some, they hope and stay because they are  waiting; waiting for that certainty that will draw them out from that empty silence.

some call it rebound, some say it is being selfish. but i guess thats just how life direct each one of us from avoiding hurt and finding their individual happiness.

besides, happiness could probably be the most synonymous word to being relative.

in an economic perspective though, some may treat a relationship as an investment. and the denial of acknowledging loss makes many people to stay and eventually hope for the promise of regaining it back. but can we actually bind such by figures, indexes and value? or by trend, demand and

i guess, at the end of the day, there is no better way of dealing it than completely embracing truth or probably, by bravely addressing it to the other party at the beginning rather than keeping it to oneself and just hope when it is already late. too late.