the night the table speaks

No started the night by asking Yes: "given a chance, would you still choose in being gay or would you opt in being straight?"

everyone in our table became quiet. the sudden silence signalled the night, that they actually made a deep thought about it.

Yes answered, "i am sticking with my decision. I would still choose in being gay."

"but hey, is being gay even a decision?" No exclaimed.

"i don't think so," veto immediately replied back.

"but i believe it is," confirm rebutted.

then the table was divided into two and a fruitful conversation started. some argued, including myself ofcourse. while some chose to be silent and just listened what they have to say.

No said, "i would rather choose to be straight because its easier. living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha." i already saw people aghasting but No continued. " i just think its easier. you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight. plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

source

and the discussion went on until the wee hours of dusk.

personally, i believe that being gay is a choice rather than a fate.

but i know that by saying this, many will argue. some will say that if we opt in recognizing it as a decision, it gives an impression that it can also be wrong; that it can be revoked or can even be cured.

but deciding in being gay is not always an instant decision. it doesn't come out from kissing, having sex (and actually enjoyed it) nor admiring someone of the same sex. its a product of vast array of relevant experiences.

you see, all of us are born heterosexual by default. as we grow old, we acquire certain traits and behaviors from the experiences we meet along the way. and by the time we reach our maturity, we are then expected to conform to what our society dictates, or for most, expects: boys are to girls and girls are to boys.

but if an individual feels hesitant about entertaining the norm, then another perspective comes in: another option arises;homosexuality. this is where it becomes a decision. but then again its not an easy jump off.

just like any life decisions, it requires a lot of thinking: to either take the accepted option or opt in taking the route of what an individual believes he belongs.

in a way, i understand where No was coming from and basically i think that there are a million reasons why living a homosexual life is always difficult.

"...living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha."

practically, a family is believed to be vital in promoting social and personal security, especially at times when one reaches the later part of his/her life. but for an individual whose such right is either prohibited or unexpected, a homosexual is left with no other choice but to doubt what is ahead of him/her.

i think, in a personal level, the notion of a family is still chained against the conventional picture of what a heterosexual family is; that it should always have a father, a mother and child/ren. that is why, for most (aside from having offspring/s of their own), homosexual partners trying to build a family also problematize and struggle who will play the assigned familial roles. eventhough, (both) partners are not comfortable with it.

i never believe that an individual needs a family to secure himself of his future. for me, its basically how you live your life. how many friends you've gained and kept? how many goals you have acomplished? how many people you've made a difference and who will be with you at the end?

"you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight."

ofcourse, everything changes when your family is put in the picture. it might not be as easy as reading this entry, but i think it should not hinder one from being who they really are and in saying so, being who they really are makes them a better person.

i think its about time for parents to realize that being gay nowadays, is different from the image of the gay they grew up with. that the diversity of being a homosexual is just like being any heterosexual, that they are not boxed in a single stereotype. that they can also live and suceed with life, for there being gay maybe different from what we were used to but it should not be considered as a life impairment nor a disability.

"plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

honestly, among all the arguements No raised, it was on this line i was moved the most.

when i got the chance to know the first gay couple who got married in baguio city through the blessing of the sacred union, it gave me hope that gay marriage could actually work in the country. but when i recently heard that they just broke up, i admit it broke my heart too. but not my hope. call me idealistic, but for me, as long as i can see gay and lesbian couples who are struggling to keep their relationships going despite the prejudices and doubts people are throwing against them, i will never stop believing.

source

living a gay life is indeed difficult. but who said life is easy? regardless, if you are gay or not, life is always harsh. but these difficulties are inevitable and at the same time important for us to realize and appreciate the lifetime we had by the time we reach the ends of our own separate roads.

pangamba ng pag-iisa

ni nestor de guzman

paano sasagutin
ang pangamba ng iba
sa aking pag-iisa?
kung malalaman lang
ang di-lantad kong buhay.
nakalima nang asawa;
ngayo'y limang ulit nang separada.
di kabilang ang nakasintahan
nang kung ilang oras, araw, linggo.
sinamba na't kinahumalingan;
itinuring na ring basahan,
laruan, kasangkapan.
Naging maybahay, kalaguyo't puta.
Ilan nang giliw at muhi,
luwalhati't lumbay
ang isinilang at inaruga.
Kung nag-iisa man ngayon
ay dahil alam na,
at tanggap,
ang uubra't di uubra.
At di na kailangan ng isa
para maramdaman
ang kagandahan ng sarili,
ang kabuuan ng pagkatao,
ang kabuluhan ng buhay.
Kung malalaman lang
kung gaano kakulay
sa dilim at kasukalang nilandas
sa pag-unawa ng pag-iisa.
Ang mahalaga,
natutong magmahal,
nagmamahal ako
at magmamahal.
Ito ang katuturan,
kahit nag-iisa.


note:

that day, after finishing this book, i said loneliness goodbye.

Galing Cine Cafe
Nestor De Guzman
Lambana Press, Quezon City

and i am not even 25

when i decided to take social sciences, i never really considered what will i become after graduating. it didn't occur to me if i wanted to be a lawyer, an artist, a teacher, an ambassador or a corporate person. i never thought if this degree will promise me a house, a car or a business of my own. basically, what mattered that day was just to follow what other people and i say, to pursue what i love. and so i did.

while i was in college, i was able to nourish my talents and acquired some other skills that i didn't even know i have. i was able to develop my passion in visual arts and also discovered my caliber both in writing and theater works.

despite the academic loads and extra curricular responsibilities, i can actually say that i really had the time of my life, for each day gave me a sense of fulfillment before i went to sleep. i even remember telling myself that i couldn't wait to continue this in a larger picture, outside college.

so after four years of cultivating the soil of my interests, packed with confidence knowing i have all that it takes (or i thought i was), not to mention that i came from one of the prestigous universities in the country, i decided to go back to the lowlands to practice what i finished.

source

here, i saw myself holding a copy of my three page resume stating all my accomplishments while standing along the busy side walk of ayala avenue. but unlike some fellow graduates that day, i was pretty much confused of where to go: first, for i am not familiar with manila and second, because i just don't know where to try my luck.

so i decided to go online to check for any job openings. i signed up and filled all the necessary information required. by the time i hit submit, the website gave me a list of job openings associated with my references. there were in the fields of education, human resources and call centers. yes, call centers. at first, i never really understood how my degree is associated with the BPO industry. so i crossed it out from my options and went ahead with the first two fields. i even tried advertising and marketing just to have more chances of getting hired; that basically means, more options of which job contract to sign. see, i was really that optimistic before.

one by one, i patiently click every job positions in the list. i thoroughly read the company information, nature of the position and most importantly, the requirements. but as i move from one page to another, i realized that after opening probably a hundred job positions, only a good quarter of it, was i able to send my application. and out of those, only one or two replied back. now, i consider myself lucky if i get three.

afterwards, you'll undergo mindwrecking screening processes, endless interviews, and exhausting long waits, just to know, that you weren't able to make it. tattered and frustrated, you finally realized that you just ended up on the same option that you've actually crossed out--- being a call center agent.

i've worked as a technical support agent for almost three years. ofcourse, the pay and benefits were good. incentives were simply exceptional and i can say that i've learned so much about the corporate operations because of it. aside from these, i was able to send myself in pursuing another degree, buy things i always wanted, go to places i've never been and ofcourse, pay my rent and other dues. basically, i was terrifically starting a life of my own.and eventhough my degree is no way related to my profession, suprisingly, i was considered among one of the outstanding agents of our account.

but despite all of these, i was always the quiet one at work, contrary to who i really am outside. sitting away from other agents, never befriended any coworkers and turned down a number of promotions. for the simple reason, i just don't see myself here, not because i have something against it, but because it was different from what i picture my life will be after college; dynamic, free spirited and fulfilling.

well, i guess life doesn't really give what you want. but still, i chose to pursue it.

i thought, it would be easier for me to move out if i don't have any friends from work. however, it didn't occur to me, that this was not the only reason that would stop me from resigning. it also included giving up the lifestyle i have already adjusted myself into. that is why it actually took me almost three years before i could actually file my resignation. i call it, my complete detachment from taking calls and graveyard shifts.

now, i am free. six months and counting. financially broke, stuck at my room, eternally waiting for my pending applications, but humanistically happy.

but sometimes, especially during my lows, i can't help to catch myself, still wondering and asking: did i actually make a wrong decision of following what i want? if i aspired to much than i should have been? or if i should need to drop everything i was before and face the harsh reality ahead of me, for this is no longer college, that this is actually what life really is?

nevertheless, whatever the answers maybe, i chose to believe that i'll have my own share of life someday and that what really matters is that i took the risk of opting to be happy.