The Urge

Suddenly, there is that urge to write again. 

So many things have happened over the past three years since the last time I posted here. Sadly, all of it I have not documented. 

Sure, there are photos, videos and some lengthy posts in my social media platforms, once in a while. 

But somehow, it still failed to capture the entire picture of why I recorded that experience and why I wanted to share that story. 

The emergence of various social media such as Twitter, Instagram etc. made everything faster and more convenient. But I also think, it also made our personal expressions incomplete, directionless and shallow. 

*** 

Few weeks ago, I unexpectedly chance upon this blog - my blog. 

As I read each entry, I found myself smiling as I was reminded of who I was before and who I am now. 

To be honest, I stopped blogging (and sketching) because I told myself am in a better place now. 

Perhaps because I have always found doing both to be too emotional. And for me, unchecked emotions can easily lead me back to dark places. 

But now, I have realized that as emotions can make one vulnerable, it can also make you stronger once you fully embrace it. 

Thus, here I am attempting to wander for wonders again but with a different lens now. 

silent conversations: how i confronted my best friend after confessing being HIV positive

I guess meeting Y the following day was inevitable.

but i pondered hard how i will manage after learning the status.

what will i do? where do i start? and what will i even ask?

Y and i have probably seen each other in extremely rare occasions after graduation, more than a decade ago (damn, time flies). mostly, during blockmates' weddings, reunions and a spontaneous trip in tagaytay for lunch. but thanks to social media and perhaps our bond, its always as if it was just last week. so we never had any awkward moments when we are together.

"Y!," i exclaimed but Y did not respond. i knew Y  heard me. but somehow Y refused or perhaps did not have the strength to look back.

in a way, I immediately understood Y's dilemma on where to even start. from there, i knew that the pressure of starting the conversation was already on me.

as I approached Y, my head was telling me: lift the conversation up. enter with high energy. strike a joke. make it casual. as much as possible, let Y feel its just another day.

"musta ang malandi?" (how's the flirt?)

WTF.

I swore I saw the sudden change in Y's expression. by that time I am not sure whether or not I offended Y. yes, sometimes I say the most stupid things. but eventually both of us just laughed at it like the old times.

"grabe siya (you are harsh)." Y answered back.

"tara, dinner tayo! (come on, lets have dinner)" I said which Y obliged.

Y remained silent the entire time we were walking towards the restaurant; unmindful of the incoming wave of pedestrians and makati employees rushing home.

with a lowered head, Y was just staring straight right past through the sidewalk. perhaps, hoping to see and pick up anything along the way to at least start a conversation.

when we were in college, Y have always portrayed to be straight, had a number of straight relationships, been a varsity player throughout our college stay, and though Y have a number of gay peers, Y have always preferred to be surrounded with straight friends.

it was only the later part of our senior year, when Y told me that Y is also attracted with the same sex. and if Y did not admit it, i myself may have never knew.

eventually after college, Y discreetly pursued same-sex relationships and managed to remain straight in front of family, friends and even workmates. Y was so good at it that sometimes, i laughed on how clueless people were. so Y was determined to keep it that way even after knowing being HIV positive.

hence, it felt like hell when Y learned about it.

Y still remained silent even when our food arrived,

bothered, i recalled being very restless. nagging Y for confirmation of everything that was running inside my head. until i remembered a smart person once told me, that in order for you to smell the sweetest scent of a flower, you just have to wait for it to bloom.

obviously, i was stupid enough to bombard Y with so many unnecessary questions such as: do you already figure out how you get it? did you have any unprotected sex before? when was the last time you had sex? it pains me even now recalling it.

now, i realize that these questions no longer matter as they dwell from the past and do not promise any positive help for Y in the future. i realize that instead of accepting, I was actually unconsciously judging Y based on my narrowminded stigma i have with the virus.

but eventually, the conversation just naturally kicked in. then i learned that what was important that  moment was just to listen. no cutting, no asking. no anything. as i will never imagine the thought process and courage Y had to take just to say what Y wanted to say. because at the end of the day, the only question that will matter is a question to myself; simply about what I can do now to people like Y who may be needing me the most.

source

after dinner, Y and i went to my place to possibly further discuss about the situation --- or so we thought.

for hours, we spent silent conversations with ourselves without realizing how late it became.

I decided to invite Y to stay over after seeing tears and uncertainties fell over my couch. i thought that it was not the best idea for Y to be alone that night. but Y insisted to go home.

when Y assured me that it will be alright, I walked Y out of the door with heavy steps. funny, how I can still vividly remember the sound of the door when Y closed it shut as if it was telling me something.

then after a few minutes, i suddenly heard hard knocks on my door. i immediately rush downstairs and opened it. it was Y, with teary eyes and breaking voice. 

"I just cannot stop shaking."

my best friend has HIV

i remembered waking up that morning still feeling tired despite an unusual 8-hour sleep.

i reached my phone and got a message from Y. with my eyes still half open, i had to double check.

the message was a stretch and the first few lines were serious. it was very unusual. being best friends since college, Y and I were never this serious.

i immediately scrolled down to check if it was another of those stupid messages that would eventually reveal itself as a joke at the end --- but it did not.

i even remembered attempting to scroll down further at the end of the message twice before it hit me that it was not a joke neither was an extension of another forgotten bad dream; my friend indeed has HIV.

relatively, i always consider myself as a brave person, who through time have never gave a bull to what other people say. i wanted to say that i always tend look at the brighter side of whatever life throws at me. but never this.

the honest truth is that hiv and aids have always been topics i religiously evade. some say its because of the stigma. but i say its because it has always been depicted with sadness among many films i have seen, books i have read and stories I have heard. hence, for the first time in my life i have chosen to be a conscious ignorant.

i refused to have myself tested, read anything about it, participate in any related activities or even join advocacy groups - until fate decided to hit me closer to home and it sucks. really. really. hard.

i always end up blank and cautious. for a conscious ignorant, i have the tendency to overthink every word and action to Y but with that nagging feeling that you always need to engage. it sucks because you always end up wordless despite your intention of making everything feel almost exactly the same. that despite of it, nothing has changed. but then again, you realize something has to change.

honestly, Y was not the first person to trust me with their status. but despite how many times i receive these, you just never get used to it and it just keeps on getting worst every time. faces just keep on coming up whenever you see statistics soaring. your heart skips and remember names whenever you hear someone talking about it: and somehow, the issues just keep on getting closer and closer to you; that the more you avoid it, the more it puts you on the corner.

but that was two years ago. now, looking back, i told myself I want to use my blog in chronicling my experience and how it changed me as a support, a good friend of someone who has HIV and a better person -- i think.

i want people to learn and laugh with my mistakes, my own ignorance and even my fear. i want to encourage other people in coming up with a more colorful and hopeful depiction of the condition. i want them to understand that like any other shit in life we just have to suck it up and deal with it together; with the hope of eventually achieving a better resolve.

but for now, i just want to gather all my strength to push that "publish" button.

smiling knowing i finally did it.

intellectualizing sex

L came to a point wherein he just want to fuck around. no expectations. no complications. easy.

source

L meets them up. go somewhere private. no more talking. just undress.

no need for staring; for appreciating. L has no time. he just need to satisfy his urge, which he thinks might be his own curse.  

skip the gestures. no kissing. no hugging.

L goes down. flips. moans. screams. clings. everything he needs to know how.

L turn his back. he cannot know. he cannot remember. L hates why he have to think about this. why does he need to rationalize this?

L feels the grip growing stronger. L moves faster. L loosen up the grip. it hurts. L breath shorter. L chases the rush. he feels the rush. until finally L surrenders and catches a half sigh.

then L stands up and put on his clothes. he opens the door and dashes his way out without turning back. after several steps, he leaned flat on the wall and firmly pressed his hand on his chest.

feeling.

listening.

he was just in time - before the next beat.

so how have i been?

never been better.

last week, i just celebrated my seventh year with my company; and as of the moment, i still have no thoughts of leaving anytime soon.

i enjoy my work as it gives me a lot of space to move, to learn and grow. i travel very frequently to places which i did not think i would if it was just a personal trip. it makes my brain run. never been a routine, time flies so fast that most of the time it fee
ls you have been robbed. and above all, it gives you a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment at the end of the day.

i am also committed to someone and have been living together for more than four years now with the most stubborn but the cutest 3-year old siberian husky. we are staying in a 2-bedroom apartment in makati, wherein we also throiw regular sunday dinners for friends and host couchsurfers.

recently, i enjoy going home early, lie down and do nothing. my mind is clearer than it was before. i still get bored easily but i get by by just thinking nothing.

honestly, i feel like i have less friends now and i do not have any problems with it. i guess, i already came to a point wherein i just keep a few and pretty much satisfied with it.

as you grow old, you realize friendship is anchored by respect and not by politeness. we tell them the truth than to drown them by illusions due to the fear that we might hurt their feelings.

one time, i read this statement by meryl streep (though i am not also sure if she really did say this) but boy was i glad to have someone finally put my thoughts in words. ever since then, i started refering it as the meryl streep syndrome.

there were several attempts to sketch and write but it always end up in the corner. for some reason, i always end up falling short of inspiration. i guess because i was used to channel it from a darker source. hahaha! so now, here i am trying again, taking the first step.

i also gained so much weight over the past years. in fact, last september, i was rushed and confined for a week in the hospital for almost having a stroke due to travel stress, lack of sleep, lack of exercise and poor diet which i obviously taken for granted. i then realize that maybe this is the way life is telling me that i am no longer getting any younger; that the days of YOLO-ing is finally over.

but its also ironic how gaining weight made me gained so much confidence, to a point wherein you just stop worrying or stop always trying to prove something. again, you just stop caring. or maybe i am just really growing old.

today, after finishing two major and grueling projects, blankly looking at my monitor screen. i've finally cornered my head to focus on something: i am thinking of BUSINESS.

version 3.2

it has been more than two years.

two years since the last time i wrote something personal.

reading back my old entries made me realize what an entirely different person i am now. i just turned 32 and i am just glad that i followed a blogger's friend advise of not shutting this blog down way back.

blogging is not as big as it used to be. many blamed micro-blogging or twitter killed it. while some believed that there was just too many distractions now online that many cannot last staying in just one webpage for more than 3 minutes.

eventually, many bloggers, including myself, unconsciously turned their backs away from their blog pages and found different outlets to express themselves.

but once in a while, you find yourself typing that familiar URL address and wondered how it felt like again. how it leads you to other peoples lives and rekindle their stories and conversations you have made. how you imagine how they look like behind their blogs and the truth and lies from their stories. until like a warm stream of gushing water, it overwhelms you. it out-powers you with so much memories and nostalgia until you tell yourself you cannot take it anymore.

yes, writing an entry nowadays is like opening past wounds.

for some reason, i am scared to rekindle past emotions as it may mixed up with my current content. i fear that past mental muses will haunt me again and lead me to that deep abyss of complications. i am terrified with the thought that after all these years, i find myself back to where i first started.

perhaps it was just recently when i was resolved that i am indeed a very emotional person: that my arts and thoughts were linked on how i managed and struggled myself internally. thus, i learned how to suppress my emotions, evade those moments of deep thinking and just taking everything as it is.

i restrained my politics and avoided others. i refused to listen to other peoples' struggles as i find nothing new about it. i stopped holding a pen to draw or write poems. simply speaking, i grew old and had different priorities; made myself distracted and for some reason i liked it.

but eventually it makes me realize there is something wrong, lacking or missing. so you tend to force yourself to face all these again and see how it goes from here again.

how i manage my own quarter life crisis

* a forward entry inspired by roundtable challenge's resurrection. 

several months before graduating, i remember sitting beside a good friend on an abandoned pavement. arms wrapped around my worn out sweats, chest touching my knees while we were sharing warmth from a single cigarette stick.

we still cannot believe that several months from that time, we have to leave the ups and downs of college and start another chapter of our lives. although its not goodbye, we knew that everything will change and somehow our tears were the indicators that we refused to be ready for it.

the first few years were nothing near what we have expected. there were always those murmurs at the back of our heads which keep on reminding us of our frustrations. we always thought coming from a reputable university with good grades, being student leaders and having outstanding extra-curricular achievements would give us better advantage in landing the goals we aimed for. but it didn't. for the companies we applied and worked with, we were nothing but redundant and dispensable gears just to secure the operation is working. but what i hated the most was how we were treated based on our lack of relevant work experience. but i just couldn't blame them.

every time we meet, we were always almost penniless, working and jumping to one job to another which to begin with, we did not even like and we even agreed not to talk about our lovelives. but what were worst was the fact that these were not even the highlights of our quarter life crises.

looking back at it now, so many things have changed. the murmurs gradually became silent. we eventually landed on the path we wanted. she went back to the university to teach while i took the corporate life.

we don't see each other as often as before. we hardly keep in touch and deciding a meeting date or place usually take weeks to do. although we both have these challenges, we still both know that we have each others' backs.

so how did i make it? through several realizations:

first, always have dream. a practical and manageable dream. but make sure you are ready to fail and that you are willing to invest a lot of time and patience in it. dreams are never achieved over night, not even months or years. surprisingly, i have realized mine were usually found in places where i didnt expect them to be - most of the time among hard, difficult and similarly stagnant places.

second, always think that there is no such thing as a "deadlock" job. although something has to pay the rent, people should stay and work for the knowledge and experience and not simply for the money and benefits. despite how stagnant or slow moving a job may be, as long as you are learning and gaining experience- stay; stay like a growing tree. whenever you are thinking of leaving, always ask yourself if you are willing to go back at step 1 in exchange of an additional grand.

third, build a career. build a career not defined by movies and TV series which are usually based on high salary, benefits, nice clothes, cars or fame. build yours based on  your own sense of fulfillment and success.

fourth, never go where the money is going; rather follow where your career goes. at the end, you will realize that money and fulfillment go to whoever follow their career.

fifth, learn to appreciate. although there are people who were born with a lot of goodluck genes, most people were just born. for most people, they achieved there dreams without even realizing it because an actualized dream may happen to be different from how we imagine it. hence, many tend to overlook it and less appreciative of what they have.

in writing this, it doesn't mean that i have already reached my goals. in fact, i am still working on an 8 to infinity shift, with OTTY (Over Time, Thank You) while stealing some time writing this entry. i have no car and i am still renting an apartment with a couple of friends who i need to share the expenses. but i am contended.

i like the feeling that despite the stress and work problems, i can still smile and feel a certain level of fulfillment whenever i go out of work. then i am greeted by a warm embrace when i arrive home.

i like the feeling that time flies because somehow i like what i am doing. and most specially, i know that the knowledge and experience i am gaining will eventually carry me to my next dream. so for those, experiencing this, just stay put and be a tree; patient but growing. its just a phase.

confession of a male concubine

i dont know how long we have been lying down that time. all i could remember was the gentle rhythm of your snore and how i patiently followed the shadows in your wall.

i dont know if i have ever told you how i love looking at your window. amazed on how competing sky-rises have missed blocking such a rare urban sight from the inner view of your room: a moon set.

always finding a certain feeling of loneliness when the shadows have finally disappeared. its time for me to go back home.

i recalled the conversations we had last night after i asked you if feelings bother someone alike when it comes to sex.

you answered. it will be stupid for someone to equate sex with love. you have sex just to answer an urge. you fall in love to build something way more lasting, something more secured (i silently laughed at the last word).

i became silent. the answer could definitely put any hoping soul to their respective places and from their i already knew my part.

i pulled my pants up. hoping it will hold without my missing belt on. but it could only last for the next 12 steps before i have to pull it up again.

a close friend once told me how annoying i could be when i start talking and thinking about life's technicalities. its funny that i have thought of this while asking myself why shoes are designed to fit a specific side of the feet while socks don't.

if one should not equate sex to love, then why are there people who question love just because of sex?


its interesting how people paradoxically put confusing weight on the topic of sex and love. some will say its situational and practical while some say its selfish.

but if someone had sex with another other than his/her partner would that mean s/he doesn't love his partner anymore?

is relationship and fidelity exclusively anchored by sex, by love, by both or by something we always deny to matter?

our social contracts have told us that this is how it should be while the rest of our consciousness would clamor it should have been another way around.

before i could finally close the door, i took one last glimpse at you. your body at your side, pushing your legs to your center, hugging and looking for that warmth. honestly, i always liked this part; for this is the only time you are vulnerable. the only time i can be the one who leaves you behind.

i just hope that later, by the time the one who truly owns that bed space returns, s/he will feel my warmth on those sheets as it hugs across your body. just at the very least, s/he knows that i exist.

when lovers look love like sex

 "its just simply like that. my priorities have changed. i am working my ass out and the only thing i am asking for is to feel it again."

source

sometimes i just want to be reminded how we became siblings. you see, my sister just recently moved to the states. she left a family who is dead worried and a boyfriend for five years.


one day, mom called me to discuss about the guy. she told me that he has been calling her almost every hour just to say how much he loves my sister. so its no big surprise, when he said that he wants to marry her. the surprise came when my sister refused and finally called for a cool off.

this drove not only her boyfriend but everyone of us crazy!

you see. my sister and i could probably the closest in the family since we were just a year apart. however, in terms of personality, we are completely opposite. she is religious, i am spiritual. she is bookish, (i want to say) i am street smart. she is sheltered, while i am adventurous. there is not a single thing we share.

"kuya, i am tired. i just do not feel it anymore. when he says he loves me, even if it i know he really mean it, it just dont simply go across. believe me, i tried everything but regardless of what i do, i just cant simply bring back that feeling anymore. everything is not the same. i know you will tell me again, how immature i am. how i am still stuck up with those highschool kilig! how i should have not read those romance novels and watched those teeny bopper films. but i am who i am.and i dont think that will change."

***

two weeks after, a close friend from college organized a reunion. she wanted to hang out with the gang just like the good times. looking at us over a table of ribs and shacks, i can say a lot have really changed.  but when i was about to say its for the better, she dropped the real reason of the get together.

"i am filing an annulment."

our jaw dropped.

source

when all of us were green envious of how her life turned out; peak of her career, wife to a surfer artist who owns a business, have the most travelling stunts here and abroad, here she is planning to break up with the man we have always dreamed for her.

"there is no third party neither he did something wrong. in fact, he is wonderful. more than what you guys and i have asked for. but somehow, i just feel like i am not being true to myself and worst to us. he has been a wonderful man but for some reason i cannot appreciate it. its seem like i am being unfair."

she mentioned about getting alienated with all the things she wants to do and the promises around her. she feels like she is like a not cage pet bird. she can fly but too scared to go out. it is as if she is all tangled and tied with an invisible string of considerations.

***

when many people equate sex to love, we laugh at them. but here are the most of us, not realizing how funny we look at love like sex.

always craving for that insatiable journey filled with paradox, excitement and passion; without realizing how short-lived it is. hence, we continuously repeat the scene, praying that whatever those feelings were will remain. however, they don't.

funny how everyone long for a lasting relationship but refused to accept the fact that these feelings are usually temporary. of course, there will always be a million ways to prolong it, but at the end, it is just a matter of accepting-- settling.

i may never be able to make this understand by my sister neither to have enough guts to tell this to my friend, but i guess, love and relationship are not always for the selfish. its not always about how good it feels like. how it makes our stomach turns, tickles our spine and makes us smile, its a matter of accepting the time when this feeling will eventually fade to open doors for another feeling--- a more "mutual one".

a feeling where impressions and superficialities no longer matter. where the most lavished and sweetest gestures transgress to gentle holding hands or kissing him/her first thing in the morning even without brushing nor gargling. its not simply about what makes you happy but how both of you make each other feel contentment.

love is not like sex. it does not extinguish after orgasm then you can repeat again after each wake up.

just like what gaiman said, omnia mutantur, nihil interit (everything changes, but nothing is truly lost). denying change drawn from fear of leading into nothing, simply means refusing to be someone better.

source

at the end, love and life is not about lingering the past, but appreciating the present and keep going for tomorrow--- together.

tonight we might write the saddest story

probably one of the saddest part of life is waking up an inch away from someone you thought to be the person you will spent your life with.

looking at that space. it reminded you about the entire journey of you finally finding yourself here. the almost endless search, solitary introspects and countless meltdowns.

interesting how much that inch of space can draw things out from your head. about monotony, being stagnant, and basically just being --- this.

being this when you have so much to give and do. when the picture of life ahead is strangely different from the idea you have framed before.

is this something you can work on or bear for the rest of your life?

it makes it more complex when loving seem to be more difficult. not because an emotion is absent but because competing to provide more than what is the other resonates becomes rather tiring and unachievable.

source

it makes you wonder the last time your stomach churn because of uncertainty or how your body hair raise because of excitement. you realized you have unconsciously become numb.

you are caught in between crossroads: when your youth is clamoring for your potentials while your perspective cries for stability.

funny how it is all happening inside but you can not seem to find the answer within. but its even funnier, knowing that this was everything you wanted --- the fruit of waiting and those forgotten memories; but now you cannot seem to find the right facilities to hold on it.

you rose up from the bed and stood next to the remains of a not distant memory. trying to focus on the smallest details from the lines, curves and minute movements: basically tracing back the reasons.

more than happiness and passion, it is never easy to claim contentment. but it is interesting how most, position time in a paradigm of pure emotions and rationalization.

somehow, it torn us; and our ideas of a perfect companionship. asking how can someone drop something everyone has been dying to be in? something invested with so much and have managed to have stayed for the longest time--- until now?

tonight, you might write the same sad story over again or perhaps a new one. but regardless, of where your pen leads you, promise me, you will neither be scared of making a decision nor come up with something just out of your volition.

baler

 “Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea”

- Ana, y tu mama tambien 

this year marks a good start of another way of communing with myself. 

through silent howls and dancing currents

through remnants of everything we have left behind

i have learned more how to commune with you

How Secret Lives can take Lives but still keep It a Secret

Its just one of those regular scenes.

Inside a wide room, where clouds are suspended and other paradoxes secretly happen, Leron took his usual spot. No longer a noob when it comes to this but definitely a first after a very long time. 

source

"Sometimes I just hope they could expand this side of the spa."

Both of them smiled but inside, Leron knew its the queue.

After a series of small talk exchanges, they have decided to go out and spent some time over a couple of bottles; waiting for the day to break. Leron was in the mood of being too generous and offered a ride.

Inside, both of them were silent, still waiting for who will make the first move. Leron decided to put his focus on the road while the passenger was busy checking his phone. The trip going to a destination has always been the most awkward part for Leron. Its a usual scene of no one wants to take the lead; scared of making a mistake that would either lead to a bad impression or ruined everything they've mutually invested. Both were bounded with rule is the lesser, the safer. 

Eventually the passenger decided to break the directionless drive.

source

"Do you want to go to the hotel I am checked in instead?"

Leron abide, relieved that they have already a definite place to go. He taught, he was no longer used to this. 

Surprisingly, they parked in front of another hotel, three blocks away from what he thought they were heading. Leron started doubting if it was really the name of the hotel the passenger said. He might be hearing different things already since he has been awake for more than 24 hours, straight from days work. So Leron just convinced himself that its probably part of a common drill.

Bravely, they ventured along piles and piles of dark alleys and forgotten scents until they have reached a makeshift castle, where the forsaken have probably owned it as their paradise.

Leron was caught out of his expectations. Hesitations started pumping in. Leron started to feel an internal struggle to pursue this or not. However, he thought that the act has already been decided and it should be done.

The passenger took the lead as paths of thousand turns reveal like a labrynth of lost souls. Leron thought they could have already done it there but the howls of yesteryear's repressions were too distracting behind those moisten walls.

At the end, they have reached what Leron thought to be a dungeon, a small and humid box that looks like the package box of the bed in the middle. Dismayed, he just wanted it to be done and over with before he loses his determination. But when he was just about to close the door, two men brute fully broke in. 

"Did you know that you are with a minor?"

Leron was just too surprised to spur a remark. It was as if words dried out from his throat.

"Did you know that we can file a complaint against you for this?"

Suddenly, images of people he loves started flashing; faces he have kept his secrets from just because he did not want them to get hurt.

"Do you want us to tell this to the authorities or perhaps we can bring this out in the public?"

"NO!"

Familiar voices, similar prejudices, he was convinced he is not yet prepared to face this.

"I can settle this! this is just a simple misunder..."

"P10,000.00 then! pay us P10,000 and we will let this pass!"

"But I do not have that much."

"He is lying," finally the act was revealed, "I saw his wallet inside the car. He pretty much have that amount. If not, he has cards too.'

source

"Give us your pin number. We (but refering to other guy) will withdraw the amount for you. Just make sure that you are telling us the truth or else."

Leron was now in full remorse. He cannot believe that he was dragged into this scheme. All he could think of was to knocked the heads out of these people. But before he could land his fist to the person nearest to him, the three immediately violently tackled him down. One strongly held both of his arms. The other grabbed his legs while the passenger started pulling his pants off. Leron never felt so helpless.

When the passenger successfully pulled his pants off, he immediately took his wallet, Iphone5 and car keys. Leron told himself, he cannot let this pass. He just cannot forgive himself for letting these people do this to him. In an instant, he heard himself screaming for help. He knew that the other occupants are already aware of whats happening inside.

But suddenly he felt a wide and rough fabric around his neck. The man who was holding his arms before, wrapped a military belt around and started strangling him. Leron immediately held it, convincing himself he cannot die there. He needed to fight back. But the other guy who was previously holding his legs threw strong punches on his chest and face. He was starting to lose count. Everything was beginning to blacken out.

He tried to look for the passenger, thinking of having a last look of the person who dragged him there. Probably thinking, he would look for him on the other side.  But the passenger was no longer inside the room, probably headed to his car, where most of his belongings are also in.

But when he was about to accept his fate, the buckle of the belt broke. He never felt so much appreciation to the air that started filling his lungs. He immediately kicked the guy in front while the guy at his back was relooping his belt. Eventually, the owner of the apartelle, along with other faces (Leron can no longer remember), came in and started shouting at the brutes. The two immediately fled.

Still trying to gain his strength, a pants and shirtless Leron tried chasing them--- alone. No one inside dared to go with him. Outside, he saw two shadows running toward the directions of where his car was parked. He shouted--- screamed for help. But again, no one dared to respond.

When he reached the parking space, the picture of his car still there was a relief. He immediately went to it and checked for anything that could clear his suspicions. The car was still locked; his other phone and cardholder were no longer there. 

He immediately ran toward the guard of the hotel in front of him, begging to call for police.

"What happened?," the guard on duty asked.

"I got robbed! Call the police!"

"By who?"

"By three men. Please call the police."

"Are they the three guys who pass by here just now."

"Yes! Now, call the cops!"

"But isn't one of them the same guy, you are with when you parked the car in front?"

"Manong, can I just explain it later. Please call the cops!"

"Unfortunately, I don't have their numbers."

It was unbelievable. All he could think of was what he have done to deserve all this. Fortunately, one of the front desk staff, who was silently listening to the conversation, approached them and said,

"The cops are already on their way."

When the cops arrived, Leron was asked with the standard questions. Based from the manner of asking, he felt like they already know what happened. Later on, it was revealed that a similar case happened two weeks ago in the same area.

"So what is the update?"

"We are still investigating it. We have leads but they need to be validated further since the victim refused to give clear statements. Can you tell me how you meet this guy?

Silence. Everything just happened so fast that Leron have not yet prepared himself from these questions. He knows that if he says the truth, this will be put on the police record with his real name on it. What if his parents requested and learned about it? What if this will be used in the court and read while his loved ones are there? What if his loved ones find out?

But if he don't, these guys will still be on the loose and another person may be robbed, beaten or worst dead. Hence, Leron decided to push through the case. Unfortunately, he needed to fabricate some parts of the events just for his secret not to be compromised.

At the end, he is just grateful that he is still alive and praying that no one will endure the same experience he had.

***

Writer's Note:

I took the liberty of writing Leron's story to at least expose these existing and growing modus operandi. He might not have told the complete truth to the authorities but at least by sharing his story, a life may be saved.

Currently, Leron is still recovering from the bruises and trauma he have endured. But in general, he is trying to be fine and will definitely take this as a major life lesson.

These scenes are not new to most of us since crime can happen to anyone. We have heard similar stories of people getting killed or robbed out of a supposed to be one night stands and home service massages.

Despite these, I believe that there are still best practices we could observe to avoid such situation. Many may not agree with it but at least for some people I know, these have helped them in mitigating these situations from happening.

·         White stalking

Waiting for the fruit to get ripe is sweeter than not waiting at all. For some, they would usually allot a specific time before inviting someone over. This period are usually allotted in doing some due diligence or in layman's term, stalking. Yes, just like lying, there is such term as white stalking. Maximize social media. Check his friends (or your mutual friends). The places he go. The things he does. These enable one to check the identity and profile of a person.

• Dress NEVER for the kill

It is more advisable to go out in low profile. Bring only a simple talk and text phone. If possible, just bring one card, which could finance you all throughout your itinerary. Distribute your money and not just in one pocket or wallet.

• Safer Impressions

More than how you look, conversations usually take the bigger part of the impression pie. Also, for many individuals who are planning something bad against you, it is what you say that confirm whether you are a right target or not. Hence, talk about things that interest you and not what you have inside your closet. Challenge what the other thinks and discuss more about the person more than yourself.      

• Private in Public

It is always recommended to do it in a neutral zone. Neutral zones are basically hotels or motels, where it is easier to seek assistance or help just in case an untoward incident happens. It is more advisable not to invite anyone inside your house neither entertain an invitation to go to theirs.

• In the event you only have a smartphone, maximize your mobile apps

There are a lot of mobile apps nowadays that can be put into a more specific but practical use beyond what they are intended to do.

Mobile App Trackers – There are a number of mobile apps that you could use nowadays to at least protect your smart phones. Most of these apps allow you to track your stolen phone. Take a picture of whoever is trying to break in to your account and even remotely wipe out files and data from your device to protect your information. Some of these are the following: iCloud’s Find my Iphone, Samsung’s Locate my Mobile, Cerberus, GotYa!

Cloud storage apps – Intended to store and access same files in different devices, These apps can be later used as a good applications to identify a possible suspect. Just make sure that it is linked with another device. So in the event, someone stole your phone and decided to take a selfie of himself, these mobile apps will automatically upload and share it to the cloud and other devices linked to it.  

Social Media Check-ins – Let your friends and families RANDOMLY know where you are, especially if you are going somewhere by yourself. Just in case, this give them good leads.

At the end, I believe that no one can judge anyone because of the decisions s/he makes and the situations s/he subject him/herself into. All of us have our reasons, which many may not understand. However, in each of these situations, we are still responsible for the decisions we make and we ought it to ourselves, our families and love ones to be at the very least safe. 

salamat, pare

*an attempt to write a coming of age short story for a writing class many years ago.

Sure na ako, Rod.

Saan?

Bakla si kuya.

Ang totoo, naloka talaga ako sa sinabing yun ni Jake nang minsang tawagan ko siya. Bigla akong nagdalawang isip kung itutuloy ko pa ang balak ko.

Kababalik ko lang nun fresh from the city of pines para sa halos isang buwang sem break. At siyempre, isa siya sa mga agad ko’ng tinawagan para tagpuin. Hindi na nga kami nagkabosesan. Matagal-tagal na din kasi ng huli kaming nag-usap. Alam mo na, busy sa college life, adjustments and all that. Lalo na sa mga pagbabagong narealize ko duon. Ang tanda ko na nga, may mga realizations nang nagaganap.

Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Jake. Bigla akong naniwalang may pag-asa pa ang world peace. Ang laki ng pinagbago niya. Hiyang-hiya ang Doc Martens, na suot-suot ko at mainit-init pa galing UK-UK, sa gara ng kanyang boy next door look, nang magkita kami. Ipagyayabang ko pa sanang bente pesos ko lang nabili ang suot ko.

Bumukol ang matipunong pangangatawan ni Jake sa suot niyang puting shirt. Kapansin-pansin ang gamunggo niyang mga utong sa likod nito; and I confess father, may biglang pumitik sa loob ng brief ko. Pero malice aside, hindi mapagkakailang lumabas ang tikas at likas na kagwapuhan niya ngayon. Malayo na sa gusgusin at pilyong bata na mahilig umakyat at pumapak ng hilaw na aratilis. Hindi na nga mapagkakailang lahi talaga sila ng mga modelo’t artista. Nasan ba kasi ang nanay ko nung single pa ang tatay niya? Ewan ko ba.

Kuya?

Oo, Kuya ko, si Kuya Mark.

Anim na taon ang tanda sa amin ni Mark. Pero technically, mas matanda kami sa kanya dahil leap year siya pinanganak. May minsan din na pinagdudahan namin na baka special child siya.

Pero habang lumalaki kami, madalang namin siyang makasama ni Jake. Tahimik at reserved kasi siya. Kundi nagpapawis sa basketball ay nagkukulong lang siya sa kwarto. Kaya hindi na ako magugulat kung pagkakamalan siyang may sariling facebook ng mga imaginary friends. Teka, nasabi ko na bang leap year siya pinanganak?

Pero in a serious note, noong namatay ang tatay nila isang taon matapos makapasa ni Mark sa engineering board, siya ang sumalo sa pamilya. Winner siya sa pagiging Gawad ulirang kapatid. Sabay niya kaming tinuturuan ni Jake sa mga assignments at review college entrance exams namin. At kahit ngayong patapos na kami sa kolehiyo, siya pa din ang nagiging takbuhan namin kapag may mahihirap kaming mga proyekto.

Paano mo naman nasabi?

Basta parang may nagbago kay kuya. Napansin ko lang, pare parang pasikip ng pasikip ang damit niya,

Huh?! bakit ikaw?

Rocker ako. E, Siya wala namang banda.

            Siguro ngayon alam niyo na kung bakit kami magkaibigan, he never fails to surprise me. Kung may sariling mundo si Mark, may sarili namang perception sa mga bagay-bagay itong si Jake.

At ang choice of colors, ang sakit-sakit sa mata, daig pa ang reflector ng jeep.

Ayaw mo nun hindi siya masasagasaan kapag gabi.

Tapos puro branded pa. Paborito niyang brand yung… yung folded and twang,

Folded and hung.

Ang brand na galit ata sa mga big-boned at obese dahil daig pa ang baby Guess at Osh Kosh Bigosh sa fit.

Oo yun! saka… saka yung people is people.

Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Basta ang alam ko magaling si Jake sa Math.

At meron pa minsan nakita ko tshirt niya, Kamiseta. Di ba brand pambabae yun?

Baka naman metrosexual lang si Mark. Magkaiba ang pagiging fashionable sa pagiging bakla no.

Sabihin mo metrosexual, isang metro na lang homosexual na.

Oo na, daig ko pa ang supot sa pagiging transparent at halata sa itsura ni Jake na hindi siya kumbinsido sa mga sinabi ko. Naisip ko tuloy, papaano ko na lang sasabihin sa kanya ang totoo?

Yun nga din ang naisip ko. Pero ito, pare, madalas kapag gabi, tuwing pinipick up ko yung extension ng telepono sa taas. Nahuhuli ko siyang laging may kausap na lalake.

Lalo akong kinabahan. Mukhang aagawin pa ata ni Mark ang moment ko. 

Baka naman best friend niya.

E, Babae ang best friend niya.

Oo nga pala si Shiela.

Akala ko nga girlfriend niya yun dati. Hindi pala. Ang weird pa nun, babae ang best friend niya. Hindi ka ba nagtataka? Madalang na may pinakikila si kuya na lalaking kaibigan pwera na lang sa mga teammates niya noon.

Bigla kong naisip ang basket ball team ni Mark. Kung sineryoso ko lang sana ang basketball noong tinuturuan kami ng tatay nila, e di sana may I join the varsity na din ako ngayon. Aba, libre kaya ang tuition fee ng mga varsity sa amin. May libreng tanghalian pa.

Hindi naman basehan yun.

Kunsabagay. Pero yun nga lang din, pare. Iniisip ko paano na lang kung magladlad si Kuya? Kanino na ako manghihiram ng damit kapag naka bestida't make up na siya? Sino na ang magiging kalaro ko ng basketball kapag lumamya na kilos niya? Imagine, ang rookie of the year at MVP ng school ay isa palang manash?!

            My God! 1990s pa ng huling narining ko ang salitang Manash. Naawa ako bigla kay Jake. Naturingan na best friend ko siya but he is so out dated with the latest lingo. Pero may I shift ang topic ng bigla kong napansin ang takot sa mga mata ni Jake.

Ang kaparehong takot na nakita ko sa mga mata ni mama noong hinatid nila ako sa bus terminal patungong Baguio, noong gabing nakipaghiwalay sa akin ang una kong girlfriend at noong inamin ko sa mga kabahay ko ang tunay kong pagkatao.

Bakit lahat ba ng lalaki tubero o karpentero? Lahat ba ng babae housewife? At kung magkaganunman, ano naman ang masama dun?

Tahimik na napatingin lang sa malayo si Jake. Doon ko na nafigure out, na ito na nga ata ang tinatawag nilang drama.

Naalala mo si Sir Arceo, yung paborito nating teacher sa Chemistry. Di ba inamin niya sa atin noong graduation na bakla siya. Tingin mo ba malalaman nating bakla siya kundi niya sinabi? At wala namang nagbago. Siya pa rin ang paborito nating teacher nun, ‘di ba?

Hindi pa din umimik si Jake. Na-isnab ang ganda ng Lola Arceo ko. 

E, si tito Mike, yung engineer na kasama nila papa sa firm. Si Dr. Uy yung doctor ng papa mo noon. Di ba bakla din---.

            Natigil ang eksenadorang speech ko nang nakita kong nakatingin na lang sa akin si Jake. Mas intense na ang mga mata niya. Mas deep, dark and mapang-usig. Yeeeess! mapang-usig.

Pamilyar ang mga titig na yun. Kung hindi lang Jolina Magdangal sabihin parang natutunaw ako sa mga titig niya, siguro bumigay na ako. But don’t get me wrong, tama na ang isang press release for the day. Dahil sa ngayon, mas kailangan ako ng kaibigan ko.

Madaling sabihin yan kapag ibang tao, Rod, pero ibang kaso na kapag malapit sa iyo ang pinag-uusapan.

Jake, ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin, hindi  lahat ng bakla parlorista. At hindi din naman masama maging parlorista. Ang mahalaga wala kang inaapakang iba. Respeto lang yan para irespeto din tayo.

Maya-maya’y nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang pagkailang ng unti-unti linapit ni Jake ang mukha niya. In that distance, halos mabilang ko na ang hibla ng kanyang makapal na pilik mata, ang mga linya sa kanyang mapulang labi at maging ang biglang pagbago ng ekspresyon ng kanyang malamlam na mata. Then I realized, na gusto ko na lang tumambling sa pagiging matalinghaga ko.

Nakkkksss, ang lalim.

Sira! Sabay kotong sa kanyang bumbunan.

Arayyy… Actually, pare. Okay lang naman kung bakla si kuya. Walang kaso dun, promise! Ang ayoko lang e yung  pagtatawanan o gagaguhin siya ng ibang tao dahil bakla siya.

Napatahimik ako sa sinabi ni Jake. Bigla ko’ng naisip ang mga kapatid ko. Ganun din kaya sila sa akin?

Mahal ko si kuya at alam mo kung ano ang pinagdaanan niya nung mamatay si papa.  Kaya nga kung tatanungin ako kung sinong tao ang pinaka deserving lumigaya, para sa akin, si kuya yun. Ayoko siyang makitang malungkot o umiiyak. Ayoko siyang kinukutya o pinagsasamantalahan. Makakapatay ako, pare. Pero ang mas kinakatakot ko ay ayoko din makitang tumanda siyang malungkot at nag-iisa.

Alam mo, Jake. May nagsabi sa akin dati, na ang pag-iisa ay hindi kapalaran ninuman. Ang kapalaran natin ay produkto ng sarili nating mga desisyon at ginawa sa buhay. At sa tingin ko sa lahat ng mga ginagawa ng kuya mo ngayon, hindi siya kailanman tatanda mag-isa. Dahil kung sakali man na wala siyang makikitang mapapangasawa o makakasama sa buhay, nandiyan ka, mga kaibigan niya at ang pamilya niyo para samahan siya.

Biglang may tumulong luha sa pisngi ni Jake. Ang totoo nagulat talaga ako nang makita ko siyang tuloy-tuloy nang umiyak. Yun ang unang beses na nakita ko siyang nagkaganun. Kinuha ko agad ang panyo ko sa bulsa at inabot sa kanya, habang pinagdadasal na hindi niya mapansing hindi R ang initial na nakaburda doon. I know, minsan my pagka-old school din ako.

Seryoso, tol. Siguro kung naririnig ka ng kuya mo ngayon, for sure sobrang proud yun sa iyo. Maswerte siya dahil kapatid ka niya.

Ulul! Mas maswerte ka dahil kaibigan mo ako at ikaw lang ang nakakakitang umiiyak ako. Halika nga dito.

Biglang inabot ni Jake ang kanyang braso sa akin. Yes, may ilangan factor noong una, pero inakap ko na din. Doon ko napagtantong, tumatanda na nga talaga kami. Marahil dahil sa tagal naming magkaibigan, virgin pa kami sa yakap ng isa’t isa. Pero ang totoo, natuwa ako at naiiyak na din.

Pare, Salamat! Sana dito ka na lang nag-aral para may nakakausap ako ng ganito. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko katagal tinago ito. Gago ka! Ikaw lang pala ang makapaglalabas nito.  

Tumuloy-tuloy na ang pag-iyak ko nang narinig ko yun. Marahil namiss ko lang talaga ng husto si Jake.

Dahil din dun, mas lalo kong naramdaman ang importansiya namin sa isa’t isa. Malungkot isipin na hindi na kami tulad ng dati, wala na yung mga batang paglalaro lang ang iniisip, kung ano ang uso at kung saan village dadayo.  Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, mas masaya ako sa ganito dahil napag-uusapan namin ang mga bagay na di naming kayang sabihin noon.

            Malapit na, tol. Malapit na, bulong ko kay Jake habang yakap ko siya, at huwag kang mag-alala, dahil di ko kayang lokohin si Mark dahil mahal na mahal ko siya.

Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ni Jake pero sa wakas, nasabi ko na din ang gusto kong sabihin. Subalit imbes bumitaw, naramdaman ko ang lalong paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin sabay sabing,

Salamat ulit, pare.