wandering commuter

how am i?

2012-01-17T01:27:00.012+11:00

i guess this is the time of the year when everyone turns back to where they have started. and i will not deny the fact that its been a while since i have posted an entry here.

it has been two years since i have decided to come up with a lifelist. and surprisingly, i was able to accomplish most of it. and while drafting this, i was able to cross out another one.

a saving's account. thanks to my boss who is trying to be a father to me for more than a year now. he ordered our finance manager to open me up one and argued that i need to be mature enough to think of my future. you will not believe what he tells me everyday at work, on top of business.

for the past months, i am just busy with work. probably, because i already have a team to manage and did not realize how difficult it is.

basically, i go to work at 8 and usually leave by 9 or 11 in the evening; that is from monday to saturday. but despite these, i am not complaining. in fact, if i did not write this post i will not realize that i have been doing this for the longest time now. lets just say i am simply enjoying what i am doing now because of what i have experienced before with the jobs that i really did not like doing (which i also chose not to dwell anymore).

last weekend, i had the chance to go to singapore and watch a broadway play that i always wanted to see, aside from rent and the phantom of the opera. it was wicked. the play just left me wordless whenever someone ask how was it. it was just too nice to be spoiled. but the trip also made me realize, a number of things i never expected will happen at least to me.

traversing this rich city opened me to a lot of things and even the possibility of working abroad, which i never really entertained before. the city provides almost everything a young professional would dream of, which simply equates to a more promising career. but beyond this, i decided not to be very hasty with my decision. try not to go with what other young people like me did.

honestly, my boss was a bit hesitant in allowing me to go to singapore. i knew he feared that i may not come back like what happened to his staff before me.

i am not even sure if what he told me was just to convince not to go or stay in singapore. but what he pointed at has some truth on it. he believes that the reason many young filipino professionals fail in singapore and returns back is because of lack of experience. most of them just risk going there after graduating because of the promise of a good opportunity without really equiping them with the right sets of skills and expertise. so having that in mind, i guess its will be just an open option for me. something that i could always go back to if worst comes to worst and if i already have the right skill sets and experience.

but it also made me think that i should travel more often. see the world more. a new lifelist for this year came in mind. 3 abroad and 5 (new) local destinations. luckily, someone asked me to do some "surprising engagements" in boracay next month. and regardless, how absurd it was, who can refuse an all expense paid trip?

after this, i am planning for another backpacking adventure in mindanao. i have only been to mindanao once. it was cagayan de oro last august, Eid al-Fitr to be exact. but it was more of a work engagement so i was not able to enjoy the place at all. hopefully, my itinerary and the people who are suppose to go with me (you know who you guys are), will push through. in fact, i have already my itinerary booklet prepared since last year. i have this thing with preparing itinerary booklets for each trip. see?

however, please be guided that i have no plans of turning my blog to a travel blog. let's just say i am widening my places to wander for wonders.

'til next time and take it easy, guys.

when L came

2011-11-22T11:54:00.013+11:00

we all heard of rape. the most common being experienced by women. we also have heard and read about rape among men. the most controversial being among prisoners and POWs. in fact, someone reading this may also be a victim of rape one way or another.

a couple of weeks ago, i received an email from a friend who i have not heard for ages.

it was L and he came out to me on his message.

although the confession was not a surprised. i emailed him back, telling him what i felt. i was happy and proud of what he did. after sometime my phone rung. it was L.

i answered it and heard a trembling voice.

"i haven't told my family yet."

"don't worry it takes time. someday you'll just gain that courage to tell them. and everything will be just fine."

"i just wish its easier said than done, ewik. but honestly, i don't think i will ever have that courage because if i did, i should have already used it to tell it to my family by now.

...

i already reached my quota in disappointing my parents. and i really could not take seeing them getting frustrated again."

then L broke down.

it was the most torturing sound ive ever heard. a dying struggle between someone who is trying to be strong but at the same time on the verge of surrendering. it was just too much to bear.

"whats the problem," i asked.

"i just wish i can overcome all these. im trying to be strong, ewik. i really am."

it was just then when L told me everything.

several months after L's break up, he never really thought he can still go by loving someone like his former. he never came out from his place. he cut his communication from almost everyone he knew and cares about him.

but he is an introvert. so his parents never really got bothered about it.

there were times when hope visited L and accompanied him in his attempt to win back his former. but it seemed like promises, like a fruit, also wait for the picking.

the attempt made him at his worst and it took months to recover. almost a year to be a bit precise until a message from a site he started visiting gave him the spark for a new promise of hope, once again.

they started texting and calling. though despite the differences, the hope made it as if it was perfect--- it complimented, to quote him.

they went out several times and within just a couple of weeks it was already obvious-- the other party was already falling. unfortunately, as much as L wants to believe he feels the same way too, he just can't. but he still made himself hold to that promise.

until constant quarrels, unmanageable differences and demands grew beyond its intended limits, the flame of hope in L eventually died again. however, when he was about to tell that its over, the other party would not just let go.

passion eventually turned into obsession and sweet words became disturbing threats. the guy threatened L that he will expose him to his family, once he broke up with him. what made everything worst was the guy's obsession brought him to L's place, to his parents, family and loved ones--- in short to his life. L was caught off guard. he never thought, not even in his wildest imagination that he will be in that position.

L being an introvert never really had a lot of friends. hence, he never really had the opportunity to enjoy what he really is and what he can be. several negotiation followed but the obsession was way irrational from what he thought it was. there were attempts to plead but he guessed, at this point it was already hopeless.

honestly, it was really difficult for me to hear what he was narrating. i was mad and at the same time, weeping inside. every word was an indescribable agony. i suggested a number of things that i can do. but he refused. L just wanted the guy to get tired and eventually drop him despite the fact that he knows it will not happen anytime soon.

believed that it was everything, i asked him if we could meet the following saturday. but he refused. he told me that he is forced to visit and stay with the guy until the following morning, sunday. the idea of him just staying the night made me sick. eventually, he admitted. he is also forced to do it with him.

i tried not to think he was L, that he was a complete stranger who just wanted someone to listen at him. i tried imagining that he was just another random blogger who was trying to tell his experience. but regardless how i put it, it still felt awful.

"ewik, i have to go now. i am running out of credits and i cannot really afford of losing it. he always get mad whenever it happens. sorry, i am just scared."

i wanted to hug him; show him that he always have a friend who can always be there if he needs one. i wanted to help him with the best effort i can. unfortunately, all i can do and say during that time were:

"goodbye and always take care."

random conversations, attraction and life thoughts

2011-10-12T12:54:00.019+11:00

when i was growing up, i was believed that mutual attraction is the union of opposites; a never ending cycle of compliments; a concoction of appreciation and understanding of what lacks or whats different.

source

as one of my grade 5 teachers will always say during her discussion with puberty; boys will always like girls and girls will always like boys. like magnets, opposite attracts and similar repel- thats the law of attraction. Then the year after, i’ve heard she was already handling religion.

when i was in highschool, it became somehow different. but it was only when i reached college, when i finally realized that not all boys like girls and not all girls like boys. same goes with not all gays guys only go with straight men and lesbians only go with straight women.

it was just the other day when some officemates and i noticed how P already developed this talent with his lips. discreetly pointing it to someone he finds cute. and being pros on our own fields, we found our own discreet ways and poses just to find his object of attraction. then eventually laugh with each other after realizing how stupid our efforts were.

"go after him," S advised.

"do you think he's gay too? what if hes straight?" P asked while still locking his stare at the guy.

"would it matter if he is?" T followed.

"of course, it does. i don't want to get myself smacked on the face after making the first move--- thats every gay guys hook up dilemna."

"but isn't that what gay guys after--- straight men?" R reacted.

i tried hard not to laugh. then thats the time i felt that the conversation is becoming very interesting and we will be extending our lunch.

"where are you from? still stuck in the 80s?" P reacted.

"gay guys can only go with straight men if there is money involve, at least that is how it was from how they’ve portrayed it in the movies," T followed.

"wait... so you mean, if a straight guy sleeps (with all the word connotes) with a gay guy with no money involves, he is no longer straight?" it was R.

"of course!"

"but what if the guy is just simply horny that time and just need to find something or someone to release it with, wouldn't that at least be an exception?"

"i believe that for sex to be called sex, there should be at least attraction involve to titillate your thing or at least work your drive--- "

the line "opposites attract, similar repel" whispered inside my head.

source

"so if the straight guy was able to have sex with a gay guy, he should be at least attracted to the latter." (T)

"right!" (P)

"so he is no longer straight!" (R)

"yes! because of the law of attraction---" (S)

Again, i repeated the line inside my head while S stated it,

"opposites attract, similar repel."

"at least if we are following the law of attraction, attraction is purely among opposite sex."

then T argued, "how about attraction with the opposite preference?"

now there goes a rebuttal statement. how a subject of differences, drawn out from a similarity, produces an attraction.

“straight curious,” P exclaimed.

R laughed, “theres such a thing?”

“are you really in the same timeline as we are?”

“i guess so.”

everyone laughed.

“but actually sometimes the label is more of a front,”

“for what?”

“market value...”

“what are you chicken?”

“hahaha! you see, in the world where i am at.”

“internet world i supposed,”

“right! hahaha!” P continued, “the more straight looking you are, the higher your market value.”

“so i’m right, gay guys still go after straight men,” R replied.

“theoretically, true. but technically, not really.”

“so how would you know if someone is just saying he’s straight curious for a front?”

“if he already slept with more than one guy and he is still saying he is curious.”--- more laugh.

“is that something absolute?”

“nop, just figured it out on my own.”

“but why do you need to look as straight as possible? and wheres this market?”

yes. sometimes or most of the time, R’s naive-ness is really beyond normal comprehension.

“its somewhere in the wet area of nepa-q mart. Just try asking the porters outside for directions.”

We all laughed.

“actually, i remember another gay friend who explained to me that he prefers looking straight and having another straight looking as a partner, makes them hidden from other people’s judgment.”

“yeah, make sense.”

everyone agreed even R got the idea.

“so wheres that cutie again?” S broke the silence.

“he’s gone!” R replied.

“tsss! sayang! who started this conversation ba kasi? kainis!”

hahahaha!

believe it or not, i didn’t say a single word from this conversation. i just realized, sometimes, it’s just fun to listen. set aside your views and discover what other people have to say.

seriously, i never really expected my officemates to have this kind of conversation. probably, i underestimated them. but yes, probably that is the wonder of not expecting to much from someone, they just surprise you.

source

s,t, r, p and i came from different schools and courses; different family background and interests; hence, different views, ideologies and opinions. most of the time, we are only binded with topics regarding work. after lunch that day, i just realize that regardless of differences the openness and diversity of such issue have gradually found its place on our life thoughts---

just because of random conversations like this and if only people will just start to listen.

introspect

2011-09-23T22:08:00.003+10:00

sometimes

the mind whispers more than what

the body can comprehend

two bodies linger on what seem to be

an inconcrete sensation

looking

digging

deeper towards the recesses of memories

the bodies are perfect as usual

exactly, how we imagine

funny how fantasies titillate us

makes us craves

for a hundred fulfilling promises

set us to false journeys

then leave us with a cringing pain

funny

how at the end,

one will realize

it is only ourself who can provide us that reuniting pleasure

--- and only i,

can make myself moan

dilemma

2011-09-19T21:29:00.006+10:00

A and I decided to meet in glorietta at 7pm last saturday. i just came out from work while she came from the gym and we thought of pigging out in dads afterwards.

A is one the closest clients i had for a project. as unprofessional as it may sound, unexplainably, we were able to transgress our working relationship outside of business.

she is a very interesting woman. she has this weird fascination with lace and loves wearing them on her hair, stitched it on her dress and even make it as a bracelet and accessories. and regardless, how disconnected they were with her pink gym rubber shoes that day, she still chose to wear it. indeed, she is weird. but i like calling her unique. even her work is unique. well, she happens to be the only woman doing her job in the country. and no, she is not dra. fortun.

on our third plate, i called for a tummy break. darn! we weren't even on the dessert part yet. then i wondered,

"A, why haven't you settled down yet?"

oh no, did i just think it out loud? good thing she didn't take it personally.

"actually, i am not sure. i just can't find him, i guess. why did you ask?"

"mmm... just curious."

she is already on her 30s but looks way younger. she is pleasantly unique and good looking, intelligent, witty and funny. she confessed over one of our past dinners that she haven't had any serious relationships nor went back to the dating scene since she broke up with her last boyfriend years back.

"so who are you often with?"

then she started saying guy names. there i figured,

"all gay men i supposed?"

surprised, she asked, "how did you know?"

" well other than the times you keep on answering me with, 'WIT!' as 'NO' and asking me, "bakirt?" for "bakit?" is already a give away but realizing that you are still single and often hang out with gay guys actually made a lot of sense."

* * *

then i remember, a close friend, a self-confess hardcore fag hag.

"im convinced! i want to be a man in my next life."

"why? giving up in finding mr. right?"

"actually, it is the very reason why i want to be reincarnated as a man. i just find it easier for gay men to find a relationship."

"but have you ever thought how long these relationships last?"

"it doesn't matter! it is better to challenge yourself rather than just wait and witness life chances pass you by."

she actually made a point.

* * *

"i enjoy their company after my best friend introduce me to their circle," A explained.

"let me guess, is he your male best friend from college, who you fell in love with before you knew he was gay."

she laughed with embarrassment, "and the worst part of it, was i cried and blamed him for not telling me because i already have too much emotional investment and expectations on him."

we both laughed.

"imagine, when he introduced me to his secret circle in one of their parties. all good looking men that you will never have a hunch they were gay. i was just laughing the entire time. even came to the point that i end up sleeping in between them on a king-size bed that night and realize at the end that it was the safest place in the world. who needs a boyfriend if you have an entire crowd, right?"

"i think, you just don't know anymore."

"uhm. so are you playing fortune teller now? don't know what?"

"hahaha. you just don't know how to handle men anymore. i mean heterosexual men"

from there, i just noticed her turn red.

"perhaps, i just find straight men boring these days and difficult in keeping a good conversation with."

"OR you just can't stop comparing them with your gay friends."

silence.

"are you open with the idea of being single your entire life?" i was starting to be straight forward at that point.

"i think so."

"but do you still hope of having a family of your own?"

"of course!"

"A, I am not suggesting you detach yourself with your gay friends because i perfectly understand how you enjoy being with them but i guess, for the hope of you having a family, it will be best for you to prioritize."

"what do you mean?"

"lets say after this dinner, you received a text from that good looking new office mate of yours, inviting you for a coffee and then seconds after, you also receive an invitation from your best friend saying his throwing another house party. who will you say yes?"

another brief silence.

"i guess, i know what you mean. it just feels like im facing this dilemma and the only way out is to always go back to where i feel i am comfortable with."

"well, i guess, that's an innate response."

in the perception of some girls, particularly fag hags, gay guys are the epitome of a perfect man. they believe, most gay guys are smart, intelligent, possess remarkable sense of humor, emotional, thoughtful and most importantly, very sensitive and empathic. and if extremely lucky, they can also be really good looking and at the same time physically fit compare to other heterosexual men.

unfortunately though, they knew, being perfect is next to being impossible--- simply because of preference. while some are just believers. they believe that there is that hope that they can turn a gay guy (they like) straight then eventually end up crying but becoming the best of friends at the end.

i guess, i just find A a catch. a treasure that most men fail or miss to turn as of the moment. she may be unique on her own way but i believe that she can be the best other half for someone who is also looking for a lifetime partner.

funny what A told me before we called it a night. how she would love to be reincarnated as a gay guy too just to find mr. right easier (when i was just about to tell her that story of my close girlfriend).

if she only knew.

hey, did we just confirm a sign here or what? :)

exploring FREEdom

2011-09-13T14:20:00.008+10:00

it will always be there. the rag of horses galloping inside my chest drawn by uncertainties. but the unfamiliar scent of the boarding area i took that day made me realize how different it was from the other lane i usually take.

the departure area was way more silent; almost barely empty; as if it was indeed a living machine brewing loneliness and griming farewells. i can just imagine how many people cried in this sea of waiting and lonely benches. while the lane at the other side was full of people excited to be reunited. honestly, being inside the departure area, didn't really help me with the fact that i will be going out of the country alone and for the first time.

the three hour flight was spent mostly of reading the same magazine (i've been reading in that airline for almost two months that time); writing mental notes and itineraries, practicing some commonly used local phrases and convincing myself that everything will be alright as long as my sense of direction will not fail me, that i know how to read and i have enough money in my pocket.

so as soon as the captain welcomed us to Suvarnabhumi Airport , i knew its wanderer mode on. so the first thing i did was to exchange my money to the local currency; buy a local sim card since our receptionist forgot to activate the roaming service of my line; and find a local map.

but never did i imagine that i will be welcomed by an immediate challenge.

looking my way out, the sign boards and maps made me felt like i was a five year old kid again just staring and figuring out what those doodles meant. so i thought of asking for directions instead.

from the airport, my plan was to get to khao-san road, where most of my friends recommended me to go because of cheap accommodation. just to realize later that its recommendable if you are coming from bangkok airport and not from Suvarnabhumi, which is like 2 hours away from khao-san during non-rush hours.

nonetheless, i politely approached and asked a man who was waiting for the shuttle service.

"sewasdi!" the first word i learned. the man warmly smiled, bowed his head while both palms are together. unlike here in the philippines, people in thais are more welcoming to people who looks like them.

pretty cool and nice, i thought.

but the moment i asked, "would you know how can i get to khao-san road from here?" his warm face turned into something that resembles into fear. he immediately waived his hand as a sign of rejection and immediately just move away from me.

what did i say wrong? is khao-san road a very dangerous place? and prohibited in this country to be talked about? did my friends just throw another prank at me?

that incident made me a bit paranoid. it felt as if i missed out something in the picture. it took me another thirty minutes just sitting on one of the airport's benches to come up with another strategy. luckily, i was able to spot a tourist assistance center. for travellers visiting thailand, these centers are friends!

the receptionist told me that there is no direct route going to khao-san from that airport and just take a cab from there.

but i told her, no cabs (still brave enough to keep up in challenging myself) and will just take local transportation.

she smiled and told me to take the shuttle service going to the bus terminal and from there take another ride going to this place and then i just totally did not understand what she said next. so i just did what i understood. i bravely took the shuttle service passing the airport and just told myself to drop off where the bulk of people are dropping off. luckily, the strategy worked. i reached the bus terminal and immediately looked for the bus going to khao san road. unfortunately, the ticketing officer told me that there was no bus trip going to khao san that day and asked me to ride another bus which was later on objected by one of the dispatcher. and the story got more complicated and complicated. regardless, he told me to take a van ride going to victory monument. so again, i did what i was told and understood--- the last.

there are a lot of backpackers during that time, august. since most of the schools abroad are on summer vacation and classes resume by september. i met a lot of backpackers along my trip.

probably the rule of backpacking is always accommodate questions when you know the answer because almost everyone pays it forward and they know the dilemma one traveller faces in each trips.

on my way to victory monument, i met two korean girls who just came from another backpacking trip in indonesia and headed to the same route i am going. though difficult in communicating in english, there were sweet enough to give me tips on how to go by bangkok.

we bid goodbyes when we reached victory monument. the place at 7 in the evening is like cubao. buses were everywhere. crowd are coming from different directions. and even the people's faces were almost the same faces you don't seem to notice whenever you commute.

it was already 8:30 in the evening and i still cannot locate the bus number, the korean girls told me to take going to khao-san. actually, the moment i started reading and locating the bus numbers on each of the waiting sheds i passed, i kinda forgot the bus number they told me to take.

but im pretty sure it was 18. so when i finally found it, i immediately jumped on a bus number 18 and find myself the nearest empty seat. the bus conductor was holding like a piece of bamboo where in all the coins and tickets were place. i told her, "khao san." as i expected, she asked me again. i repeated. then suddenly a man sitting in front of me, waived the same hand gesture as the man from the airport gave at me. i am now really developing this fear of talking about khao-san. the man talked to driver in thai then informed me that i took the wrong bus. he instructed the driver to drop me off to the nearest waiting shed and advise to take bus number 32. i felt a bit relieved.

the moment i stood up, i bowed at him, made the amen gesture and said, "kub kun kup." just to realize eventually that "kub kun kup" is thank you when refering to girls. it should have been "kub kun krap" since i am thanking a man.

it was total a disaster believe but all i can do that was to laugh at at myself the entire time. it was already 9:30 in the evening. so that will be 10:30 in manila since the latter is an hour ahead. it was really a long day and all i can think of is just to get a hotel and sleep the entire night. i figured, i just have to give up and hail a cab. so i tried. surprisingly, i noticed that it seemed like all the cab that pass by happened to have someone seated in the passenger seat. then i remembered, vehicles here are right-wheel drives! argh!

so already desperate, i hailed a tuktuk instead though i know they are far more expensive than taxis. eventually, we agreed with the amount and headed to khao san road.

to be continued.

patience also waits

2011-09-09T13:35:00.009+10:00

three years ago, there was a boy who just kept on ranting about almost everything after college. he ranted about how he missed his friends in baguio, how he needed to spend so much just to have a good conversation over stranger after strangers, how he struggled in watching movies alone and keep all his thoughts to himself after the curtains close; and how frustrated and lonely he was walking along empty streets just to go to work, which he didn't even like, every sunday.

like any fresh graduate, he was full of idealisms and ambitions. he wanted to achieve and experience so many things and believed that he can do far more than what he was doing during that time. he was very anxious; as if he was always in battle with time. though he never really wanted to be rich nor famous, he was just simply scared that he might end up not doing the things, even him was not sure what they were. but after countless searches and attempts, he started trimming his options; bothering himself every night asking, what he did wrong and what he didn't do?

countless days and futile nights passed. but the same shadow didn’t let him go. until hopelessness devoured him completely. he just started not caring; and crying. he laid down on his bed and just let time pass and win him over. it was as if its the only thing he know he could do. the feeling was always paralyzing.

until an opportunity came.

there were a number of considerations at first but he still grabbed it. the environment was completely different. even in his wildest dreams, he didn't imagine himself working as one. of course there were times when he got tired and almost gave up. but during those time, he will always go out, waive a cab, pass it along a familiar building and ask himself,

"do you still want to return back to this?," while looking at different (un)familiar faces smoking, talking and enjoying every last seconds of it outside. he will pause and then his answer will make the cab turn back.

never did he realized that most of the things he was worrying about before just started landing one at a time in front of him.

i guess thats what they call patience, a friend told him.

tonight, as he waits for everyone to bid there farewells to him, he thought of opening and rekindling those posts again. he read them from one page to the next and could believe, he actually wrote them.

some he have already forgotten.

while some he remembered though the memory of every thought made this man a stranger even to his own words.

so whats keeping him busy these past months?

mostly work,

about a new company project,

a new team he is handling

and most of all, MORE wandering...

one stormy night

2011-08-08T16:11:00.004+10:00

this was supposed to be last week and i know its been a while since i last posted an entry. and the topics to be written are adding to the piles of papers and post-its on my desk. but i promise, once i pull this project out, i'll get back to serious (?) writing again.

and in relation with, yj's post, i just wanted to post this video for a friend, kilala mo na kung sino ka!

haaay kahihiyan ito! hahaha! but goodluck sa akin este sa amin!

but wait! there's more! hahaha!

ikaw na lang ang kulang sa cast na ito... basta ako si mikee... bahala na kayo kung sino si donna at regine. hahaha!

mahal ka namin at ikaw ay special (special child! hahaha!) tandaan mo yan!

*TANG ENA this SHIT! ang mushy!*

then smile! hehehe

minsan, nakakapagod lang talaga mag reach out at ipa-feel sa iyo ang gusto mo mafeel. o siguro tumatanda na lang talaga tayong lahat! nagmamature investments tulad nila dabo, nagmamature priorities sa work at lablayf tulad ni mugen at xtian! at higit sa lahat nag mamature immaturities (hindi na lang ako magcocomment dito)! hahaha!

kitams! handa kaming magfalsetto at magsocial suicide para sa iyo! hahahaha!

kung ang july ay "topak month" para sa atin, we'll make sure ang august will be "our month." so huwag ka nang magpasuyo, halika na! mag spontaneous night ulit tayo!

bisitahin ulit natin ang midnight safari sa quezon city, mag foodtrip sa pinakamaruruming lugar sa manila, o di kaya magpa-blueballs sa tagaytay! hehehe!

we love you! mwah!

*teka, international friendship month ba ngayon?! hehehe

luna

2011-06-16T12:14:00.006+10:00

last night was a close fight

between the sandman and i.

i pleaded to see the moon

but he didn't let me.

i asked him why?

but he just looked at me unmoved,

a bit worried and

then whispered low,

for tonight,

the moon reveals something

that he have always hid

behind its darkest side.

that despite high regard,

it is also capable of bleeding.

and i don't want you to bow your head down

from the only thing

that keeps your hopes from falling.

an open letter: dating a friend's former date

2011-05-28T14:39:00.008+10:00

warning: the following depicts strong languages and ideas that are not suitable for idealists and hopeless romantics. read at your own risks.

catching yourself in between two good friends and another man is not always my frame of a scene.

honestly, i am really having hard time writing this post on top of my difficulties in catching up with my blog responsibilities over the past weeks. but i have decided that today, i am up for the challenge.

undeniably, in what seems to be a dogs-eat-dogs lifestyle where everyone tends or will try to know everyone, it’s not surprising for two friends to meet in the embrace of a common romantic (or even sexual) interest.

but what happens next is a trickier picture to be in.

source

though there don't seem to have a clear rule or guideline on such, i believe that like any common-sensical knowledge, it doesn't need any direct affirmation. its should be clear that no one is worth losing a good friendship.

but if the urge, want, need or whatever you may want to call it is unavoidable, there should be some things you may want to consider.

first, make sure its really and finally over. as cliche as it may sound, trust is the building foundation of friendship. and as we all know it, its something that is not easily given or acquired. sometimes it takes time and even solid proof for it to be shared. hence, if the feelings of a friend is not yet resolved then we should at least know and show to whose our loyalty is serve.

second, ask courtesy not permission. be mindful of your friend's gestures. for most of the time, "its okay!" doesn't necessarily mean its the truth. there will always be that awkward feeling on the friend's part looking at you and a former date at the back of his head (unless, he is truly and completely over). hence, being polite is the least possible resort he can dwell into.

third, know both the real score. it will always be helpful to know the reasons. it is within these reasons that set someone free either from his fantasy-like infatuation or from his "friendship-eating" guilt.

if the guy claims to your friend that he thinks he is not yet ready in this kind of relationship, then either he is just looking for a polite way of dumping him after a couple of good booty call or he really means it. either way, you may want to opt back in contemplating with item number one.

fourth, open yourself into ALL possible consequences. don't let this chance of someone liking you, overrule your capacity of being rational. most of the time and i guess its also safe to say that base from everyone's experience, such strong opportunities (reluctant in calling it as feelings) have the tendency to block our thoughts and make us just jump on that "exciting turbulent of fantasy rush." making us a bit looking desperate and selfish.

think of what will happen to the relationship you have with your friend, analyze the reputations it may entail on you and even how will it affect your other friends.

fifth, never think that you will be missing an opportunity (again). you are smart, good-looking and most importantly good-hearted fellow, whose characteristics are a bit rare to be seen in just one package. we would rather see you miss this "chance," but maintain the friendship and eventually meeting your match than taking this "chance-without-assurance" and start everything all over again.

and lastly, never think this is all about you being on the misunderstood-but-just-being-the-hopeless-romantic-me-side and your friend being why-is-always-about-him-being-on-the-good-side-while-i-am-on-the-other-side-side (whew! so many sides) because we all know that, at the end of the day, regardless of what happens, as a good friend, my only concern will always be on both of your welfares and of course, to our good friendship.

cheers!

para sa bewtdey boy

2011-05-24T16:06:00.007+10:00

para sa taong mas mabilis pa sa mga motor ng edsa kung magcut at change ng topic.

para sa taong nagtratransform pagpatak ng 10PM kahit hindi full moon.

para sa taong mahilig magsulot ng pekpek short na ang slit on both sides ay 2/3 na buong haba ng tela.

para sa taong may nakakarimarim na poot sa kapitbahay na mahilig magvideoke buong araw.

para sa taong nag-maMATURE INVESTMENTS na sa pagbili ng kama, washing machine at iba pang appliances.

para sa taong naging kaibigan ko noong 21 pa lang ako habang siya ay 25 naman at ngayon, 25 na ako habang siya ay bumalik sa pagiging 18.

para sa kaibigang laging may baong mahigpit na yakap at "namiss na kita" kahit noong isang araw lang kami nagkita.

para sa kaibigang hindi natakot sabihan akong papansin sa text noon. HAHAHAHA! ouch!

para sa kaibigang laging nanlilibre ng YAKIMIX...hehehe!

para sa kaibigang lubos na maasahan sa paglilinis ng bahay kapag lumilipat (hindi tulad ng ibang nangangako dyan---hahaha!)

para sa kaibigang laging bukas ang isip at... ay! sige ISIP na lang muna pala...hahaha

para sa kaibigang napakatamis at STABLE ng ngiti ngayon,

at para sa (toot!) years old na pinakamamahal ko...

HAMPEY BEWTDEY DABO!!!

love with passionate sex,

kabitchesa

the men of the old house

2011-05-11T14:38:00.004+10:00

it felt it was just last month, when a young boy fresh from college took all his courage and decided to find life in the city.

without any family, relatives nor friends with him, he saw himself renting a small room in katipunan together with an old landlord.

for almost four years the two men stayed under the same roof. but they managed not to divulge into a conversation. there relationship was constrained with brief nods or small talks whenever the boy pays his rent. there were even times when the boy catches the old man just waiting for him sitting on an old dusty couch as if cornering him to finally know who his tenant was.

but the boy, though as polite as he can, would always excuse himself with alibis of something important to do. then he will just catch the old man's dismay through his eyes. He will then feel loneliness radiating on his face.

It seemed like the boy just cannot stand the gloominess and coldness of the room. it was as if he was watching a very depressing film. hence he would always just stays inside his own space.

one time, the boy woke up realizing the landlord was not in the house. there was no coughing down stairs. no radio turned on. it was just plain silence. so he finally went out of his lair and decided to explore the entire house. then he realized, it actually took him a year before he have done this.

ang maarteng kurtina

in general, it was old enormous house, where dust already covered its elegance and time already stole it from being a home.

there was an old piano dead waiting on the corner. above it were frames of blurred old photos; of people who the boy have never seen before. but somewhere among the frames, he managed to identify his landlord. a young radiant man who was laughing while hugging a woman carrying a baby. the boy figured it must be his family. and no, he no longer attempted asking where they are now? he just left his curiosity inside boxes of piled stained letters, post cards and peeking photos. the mere thought made him really down and was even magnified when a cold smooth breeze brushed his arms.

it had been over a month since the boy learned his landlord was back. surprisingly, he was no longer waiting for him downstairs, sitting on that old dusty couch and listening to a struggling radio box. however, he noticed a woman, probably in her 40s, cleaning and bringing food to his landlord's room. she was also silent. eyes blank and lip tucked.

when the end of the month came, someone knocked on the boy's room. it was the woman. she said the landlord wanted to see him.

so the boy hurried, dressed up, took his rent from his pocket and went downstairs. when he opened the door, he was shocked. the old man was look entirely different. his frail body seemed way weaker than before, his swollen eyes sunk deeper towards his face. cheekbones almost vanished and skin paler than the cream blanket covering him. the boy almost did not recognize the man. pity started engulfing him.

the boy also barely recognized the old man's voice. though the message was clear. it was almost over. he wanted the boy to find another place; afraid that he can no longer maintain his house. he just wanted to rest and go back to another waiting. At least thats how the boy understood it.

the words struck him. he (boy) was speechless. there was just that automatic response of handling over his rent and go out. guess, he just can't bare the feeling or perhaps the conscience asking him why he cannot give the old man very small amount of his time before, just to make him forget or at they very least alter his routine.

but before he even made his second step, the old man stopped him. he refused to take the payment and advised the boy to use it for his next space. then he smiled. the boy almost surrendered to his own tears. he thanked the old man and left.

when he arrived in his room, he just stood in front the closed door and looked at the space he called at that time called his home, along with the things that he have brought inside; all the memories that he have met for the past four years.

goodbye has never been his thing probably because he always has difficulties of starting over. but if theres one thing he have learned from the old man, its simply waiting in between is far more worst than starting or ending something.

now, after four months of checking ins and sleeping overs, the young boy had finally moved over to his new place. brewing a new line of stories. and hopefully, this time, he will have the time to spare for other people to share their own stories with him.

black saturday

2011-04-26T19:44:00.007+10:00

*been busy with work for the past weeks. its been a while so will try waking up my muse through spontaneous writing.

K still cannot believe it, seeing that well-carved gold wrapped around J's fourth finger.

decades had past. but K could still not stop thinking how fast time have escaped them. how so many things have changed. and how K have not prepared himself from it.

last saturday, it was brighter than expected. a reunion was spontaneously called and after exactly three years, K and J met again.

as usual, everything should remain the same, especially in front of everyone. it was just then that K have realized how good artists they were, never dropped the act even once. how they have lived behind pretensions and most importantly, how he managed to hold on to that weird churning feeling inside his stomach whenever they're together.

it never fails to make K smile. no matter how he try not to.

they drank the entire day, hopping from one bar to another. holding on to that excuse that its been awhile since they have been with each other.

nonetheless, K remain silent the entire time. he busied himself in stealing glances at J, trying to find flaws, and coming up with questions that he might have missed in the process of forgetting and moving on for the past ten years.

how J looks stupid in maintaining that cheap highlight. how ridiculous J's piercings look like. all these time, K believed that he is smart enough to know better. but he guess J is his kryptonite.

K even tried blaming it on adolescent crisis, with immature curiousness, or perhaps with that cheap romance tagalog pocket book he had chance of reading one sunday afternoon. but no matter how he dig deeper, the answers remained weak and refutable.

until K saw J removing the well-carved gold from the fourth finger, as they walked inside a bar full of people.

from then on he realized, there are still things or people left not to be changed--- completely. but what he saw made his thoughts more worst.

In the middle of the party, J stood up and walked away from their table with an excuse of going to the john. But its been almost 30 minutes and J still haven’t returned. Until, behind the thick crowd, K saw J with someone. nonetheless, K tried not to entertain the idea of getting hurt. basically, due to the absence of reason.

when the night ended, J offered K a bike ride to his hotel. there was a strange feeling being in that distance again. all K could do was to hold on to his narrow hips and take the harsh night chill as they go by the moving warm lights, as if bidding their goodbyes to the two.

they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.

if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.

K bet it will make living a little less complicated.

if only...

10 signs para malaman mo kung may boy/girl friend na ang crush mo (o babastedin ka ng liligawan mo)

2011-03-29T14:51:00.001+11:00

10. mas updated at lagi siyang unang nakapanuod ng sine kesa sa iyo. pero kapag niyaya niyo naman, madami siyang excuses.
matapos ka'ng magnobena at humingi ng tulong kay sta.clara, st.jude at kerubin, niyaya mo ang crush mo manuod ng sine. banat mo pa, "napanood mo na ba ang ______?"
sagot naman niya, "oo, ang galing ng efex nun."
"eh yung __________?"
"oo, okay lang naman. mas dvd watching siya eh.
""aaahhh... yung pinakabago, yung ______________?"
"yup, nung rest day lang."
kulang na lang talaga tanungin mo, "bakit hindi ka nagyayaya?"
"gusto mo ba'ng manuod ng sine buklas? kahit ano'ng hidni mo pa napapanuod?"
"naku, super busy ako lately eh...."
ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka talaga mapamura.

9. kapag naging (mas) maporma at nagpapabango na siya ngayon.
kung isang araw, may naamoy ka'ng mabango, tapos first time mo pa'ng maamoy ito, at lalo na hindi pa naman malapit ang pay day, hanapin mo kaagad ang crush mo. kapag nakita mo siya na nakapower dress at malayo sa typical look niyang tshirt, jeans at rubber shoes o tsinelas. kabahan ka na, tsong!

8. kasama na sa expression niya ang linyang: "hindi ako pwede eh. may gagawin/pupuntahan ako".
kapag narerealize mo na lang na alam mo na ang pangalan ng tatay at nanay niya, mga kapatid niya, pet niya at lolo't lola niya o basically, alam mo na ang buong family tree niya kahit hindi mo pa sila nakikita. naku, wag ka'ng maging feelingero, hindi ka niya ipapakilala sa kanila. ginagamit lang niya, sila as an excuse para hindi sumama sa iyo.

7. hindi sumasabay umuwi, laging nauuna o iba ang dinaadaanan.
isang oras ka ng naghihintay sa labas. wishful thinking na pwede mo siyang sabayan sa pag uwi at maihatid man lang sa kanila. first move itong ng panliligaw kapag nagkataon. pero huli na ng malaman mo, kanina pa pala siya lumabas. at infact, mas nauna pa pala siyang lumabas sa iyo. the next day, gusto mo'ng kornerin. sinigurado mo ng mauuna ka'ng lumabas. nung nahuli mo na at inalok sabayan sa pag uwi, biglang nagtawag ng taxi at natatae na daw siya.ayun! dugo ang puso, durog ang first move...

6. Kapag may sudden change ng routine at hindi niyo na siya madalas kasama.
kapag madalang niyo na siyang nakakasama: sa ibang lugar na siya kumakain, sa ibang side na siya ng building nagyoyosi at iba na rin ang brand ng yosi niya---hindi ito simpleng pagbabago o make over lang, may nag iimpluwensiya sa kanya. believe me!

5. kapag patay na rin ang kanyang friendster, multiply, facebook at iba pang social networking site> last log in more than 3 weeks ago.
kasama sa panliligaw strategy mo ang pang-iistalk. at isang efecktib way ay anonymous viewing sa mga profiles niya sa internet, para malaman mo ang kanyang interest, favorites at madalas puntahan. pero 3 linggo ka nang nag oonline, ubos na ang pera mo sa kakarenta sa netopia, hindi pa rin siya nag uupdate at nag oonline. ang masaklap pa, nakaprivate viewing siya at hindi pa niya inaaccept ang invitation mo. haaay, sayang pera!

4. hindi o madalang na siya nag tetext. kahit lagi mo naman siya nakikitang nag tetext mag isa.
nagising ka isang araw at narealize mo na namimiss mo na ang mga text messages niya kahit na group forward messages pa ito. tapos isang araw, matutuwa ka dahil nag "goodmorning" siya. pero nang rineplyan mo naman, hindi na siya na nag reply back. minisscall mo pa pero wala pa ring epek, wala talagang reply.pero nang biglang pasuko ka na, biglang tumunog ang cellphone mo. magmamadali ka'ng iopen ang message tapos madadagdagan lang ang inis mo dahil globe advisory lang pala. argh!

3. kapag pumasok siyang naka turtle neck kahit hindi naman malamig o may band aid sa mga weird part ng katawan with the excuse na nakagat ng malaking kulisap.
matapos ang mga serye ng biglaang pag popower dress, magugulat ka na lang dahil papasok siya ng naka turtle neck kahit naknakan naman ng init sa labas. kung hindi naman talaga kaya ang init, nag baband aid pero super last resort na ito. panahon pa yata ng lolo at lola ko, ganito na ang mga style ng mga nagtatago.tip naman sa mga crinu-crush-an, pasalamat ka at uso ang mga scarf lately. kaya pwede mo'ng itago yan, kung ano man yan, gamit ito. kaya hindi magiging ganun ka obvious. *sorry dude, ayoko lang maging bias sa mga readers ko. its a subtle way of saying, i understand what they are going through. naks naman!

2. biglang bawal na mag overnight o mag inuman sa kanila.
ang bahay na pinag uugatan ng lahat ng nararamdaman mo. ang lugar kung saan mo siya unang nakilala: ngayon ay close na. kahit makailan ulit kang magyaya at kahit back up-an ka ng mga kaibigan niyo, hindi na raw talaga pwede mga visitors dun. siyempre classic na excuse dito ay nagagalit ang land lady, ang mga kapit bahay, ang mga askal at pusakal.

1. kapag may sun cellular na number na siya.
talaga nga namang hindi ka pa talaga sumusuko at natatauhan noh?!last resort na talaga, tatawagan mo na siya kahit below 20 pesos na lang load mo. kaso kahit ang pagpapaulan ng mga chummy at personalized messages ay walang epek at unlitxt na ang sumusuko, wala pa rin response. kungkaya't tawagan mo na. pero kung biglang nag out-of-coverage area, naku, isa lang nag ibig sabihin niyan mayroon siyang sun cell na tanging karelasyon niya lang ang laman sa phonebook. sa kasalukuyan, habang ikaw ay nagmumukmok sa kinalalagyan mo, sila naman ay nagpapalapnos ng tenga sa pakikitelebabad sa isa't-isa.

J.A.P.A.N. (Just Always Pray At Night) Japan!

2011-03-13T13:29:00.004+11:00

when i heard the news, the first thing i thought was 2012, the alleged end of the world.

but it was actually my next thought that really drove me to post something in my status,

"wait lang 2012... bigyan mo muna ulit ako ng lovelife. its been a year, nalimutan ko na..."

then while waiting for a response, i saw a picture that made me realize how stupid, insenstive and selfish the status was. hence, i immediately deleted it and contemplated.

for at the end of each day, this is just one of the scenes, that goes beyond any selfishness and hope one will never see in his/her life.

source

all my prayers to the victims of the recent earthquake and tsunami in japan.

8 signs na crush mo na ang isang tao

2011-03-09T00:14:00.001+11:00

8. kapag wala ka sa mood lumabas kapag hindi siya kasama. pero kapag andun ka na't kasama siya, hindi ka naman nagsasalita. basically, kahit hindi mo naman siya tinitignan, kuntento ka nang nandun lang siya.

7. gumagawa ka ng eksena o okasyon para magkita kayo. kunyari, kahit wala ka'ng pera at katuldok na lang ang itim ng mata mo dahil sa gutom, magyayaya ka pa rin inuman at sagot mo pa, para lang pumunta siya.

6. kapag nag iisip ka ng gagawin o pupuntahan kasama siya prior ng pagkikita niyo. kapag nagkita na kayo, palalabasin mo'ng naisip mo lang ang ideya by the spur of the moment at hindi mo naman talaga pinagplanuhan.

5.kapag daig mo pa ang bagyo sa pag-eemote at ang sunset sa pagiging artistic. kapag hindi ka nabati tuwing nagkakasalubong kayo, feeling mo ang pangit pangit mo na, tapos sisihin mo pa siya dahil hindi niya kino-compensate yung attention na binibigay mo sa kanya. may pagkakataon din na sobrang nagiging artistic ka at sinisipag gumawa ng mga tula, kwento o kahit anu ano pa. kahit alam mo'ng wala ka naman talagang talent. kebs ba nila? art is a form of self expression.

4. everytime na gusto mo'ng itext siya, mandadamay ka ng iba at gagawin mo'ng group message para lang may lusot ka kapag nagkabukingan, kaya siguro nauso ang GM. pero kapag nagsireplyan naman, siya lang ang nirereplyan mo. may tama ka!

3. kapag nangungumusta ka na ng mga tao sa mga common friend/s niyo, tapos siya yung laging hinuhuli o ikalawa sa huli mo'ng kinakamusta, para di halatang atat ka'ng may malaman sa kanya. pero obvious naman kasi siya yung may pinakamahabang conversation.

2.kapag ginogoogle mo ang pangalan niyat tuwing wala ka'ng makita sinusubukan mo naman ang nickname niya, kung wala pa rin, ang palagay mo'ng nickname niya, school na pinanggalingan, work na pinagtra(tra)bahuhan. minsan kapag nakita mo'ng maraming results, pindot agad ng image. sabay print o di kaya save sa computer.

1. kapag dinedeny mo sa sarili mo'ng crush mo siya, kahit na 6 or more sa mga nabanggit ay guilty ka.

someone from the north

2011-02-22T01:13:00.007+11:00

*free writing

i am in a place far away. always in transit; nurtured by hellos and farewells. but at the end of it all, it still leaves me wondering, what am i really looking for?

***

there was uncertain silence for every uncertain questions i threw.

but what i only know was he lives in a very remote tribe village in the north. a community, wherein time have already forgotten them. the thought of poverty as their dish served on empty plates and cold corruption as their resting beds.

then he looked at me. his eyes, a bit shy. clearing his throat and composing every words he was about to utter. he smiled again and made his eyes disappear in a dark uplifting arc.

then he said,

i don't know.

perhaps, i just go somewhere ---away here. i already 27 years and done all works just to find i really want. construction, farming, porting, even assistant pastor.

what i experience, i guess never find answer here. so if my response convince you that i true, then, you'll think that i am to do any job regardless small or hard it be. at least, i can something to start.

in an ordinary conversation, the uncertainty and softness of his words can just simply leave someone asking, what did he just actually said?

but for me, the word escape instantly appeared.

in a way, he kinda reminded me of myself a couple of years back or even until now. he made me realize how fortunate i still am and introduce me to the pettiness of my day-to-day rants.

i don't know how am i going to tell it to my boss. if i will lie and tell him he is qualified just to give him that favor. but after we shook hands, i figured that i just cannot stain the honesty of what he said. so i totally told everything to my boss.

and for some weird reason, he understood where the both of us were coming from. hence, i was so surprised when he asked me to contact him again and ask him to go with us to manila by the end of the month. i will find something that he can do and take him as a secret company scholar for a course he always wanted to get--- criminology.

i must admit it definitely gave me goosebumps.

for this lad at least gave me something to hold on; a small piece of what i am really looking for. i may not know what it really is for now. but it feels like i already made my first step going there--- wherever that maybe.

my valentine moves

2011-02-12T01:50:00.003+11:00

facebook:

wanderingcommuter is in a relationship with himself (masabi lang na hindi single this valentines... HAHAHAHA)

reply ni facebook:

X You cannot create a relationship with yourself

reply ko:

ABER, WHY NOT???!!! mas marunong ka pa sa akin... puso mo 'to??!

hahaha

reply niyo (audience participation):

ilabas mo dila mo...

anong lasa ng hangin???

ANG PAIT NO?!

NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

my great valentine craving

2011-02-07T00:54:00.003+11:00

since its in season din naman,

parang gusto ko din

magpa-kwan...

este PAKWAN!

source

HAHAHAHA!

my great valentine plan

2011-02-04T17:38:00.005+11:00

my GREAT VALENTINE PLAN...

uminom ng maraming tubig!!!

source

dahil sa panahon ngayon,

sa ihi na lang ako KINIKILIG!

hahahaha... :D

life inside moving boxes

2011-01-31T16:03:00.003+11:00

i woke up smelling a strong scent of farewell, that made me feel very unease with my own space. wondering if its just upset or feeling betrayed of whats going to happen with the following days.
so despite the gloomy and heavy weather, i stood up and look at the piles of boxes just waiting in front of me. never did i imagine that the last four years of my life could fit in just eight boxes. made me wonder how many will be added in a year span? what will be inside each? and how much more will it be a day before i die?

source

even memories were absent in each corners of my room that day despite all the turbulent turns that happened; all the faces, acts and events. in a way, the absence made me feel, indeed, very hollow. it was if nothing really changed. that the same boy, who went down to the city four years ago from the comfort of a place he already called home; will still try his luck and be gathering all his courage again to gamble with another set of cards.

i guess, this is another version of what they call (literally) moving on.

but its just surprising how everything and everyone can be put inside boxes. how life can be placed in corners. and how my life, at least in this picture, is included inside it. the mere thought even made the day gloomier. or probably its just me again, always having hard time saying goodbye despite all the clutter.

peter pan's shadow

2011-01-18T20:10:00.007+11:00

youth is like a drug, that can sometimes be addicting and rebellious.

but it is not anchored upon any numbers or experiences. it is popularly determined by one's notion of idealism; trying to break traditions but at the same time, driven by carelessness.

several nights back, i heard my window rustled as cool breeze trespassed my room. the presence was overwhelming. it felt as if it was full of ideas and very determined to playfully outwit fate. it presented itself normless and drove my hormones into the corners they seldom venture.

source

but as we blossomed passion in thin air, i secretly found out something it kept for the world not to discover--- a shadow full of fear that was driven by uncertainty.

suddenly the image took the form of a kid. a child, who is also scared of tripping and getting hurt. definitely pretentious that it kept me wondering, how many times it cried? how many times it felt so helpless? and the number of times it promised itself never to feel that same feeling again?

then at the break of a rare chirpless dawn, while i was trying to gather my consciousness, the image vanished with a promise of coming back. but i asked myself, how can someone promise returning if s/he is even scared of a hard fall? how can someone soar high if s/he is too afraid at looking below?

suddenly, from the corner of my room, i heard a soft and mellow cry. and as the image arose, i realized that pages of a book was actually unfolding in front of me. it seemed like, in deed, another shadow decided to leave from its peter pan.

it slowly approached me, wondering if it could trust a conversation. so i took the queue. and from there, i completely understood.

source

if there is one thing i've realized from all the experiences i had, that is risk may take all forms. but its in its uncertainty that leads life to its actual destination. it may never be a wonderland at the end but it would definitely be something worth living for. no one really said that being young assures us of not getting hurt. in fact, it is actually on that condition that leave us most vulnerable. hence, never be scared of falling because it is on that dive where the real life starts.

its never bad to be a peter pan. to soar life with all its heights. but one should later realized peter pan is only a product of our own delusions, that our youth will never betray us. because at the end, we are all like wendy, michael and john, who will be just old characters, watching as another sets of youth take their chance of realizing how is it to be young.

the nameless

2010-12-27T03:09:00.008+11:00

there was a voice from the dark. but never did imagined that it could be the most heartwarming thing i would received this year.

source

it was already 7:40pm when we landed manila. upon entering the arrival, i instantly turned on my phone and received a message from the other team saying that their flight was cancelled due to bad weather. i was surprised to read it considering that our flight was just an hour ahead of them and the trip was relatively okay. but unfortunately, they were forced to take a 12 hour bus trip going back here just to catch christmas.

our service took us directly to the office to unload some equipment we brought for our trip, when suddenly i noticed the box of christmas gifts for our kris kringle. i immediately looked and dug for mine and in my surprise, saw three gifts under my codename. but what really caught my attention was two of the gifts that were placed inside a transparent plastic bag: they were DOLLS!

what am i supposed to do with these? i asked myself.

frustration immediately rushed to my head and felt really bad about the idea.

first, i am not really fond of dolls. second, the rule of the exchange gift was to give something that is applicable to both men and women since codenames were used. third, the dolls are not even barbie or made out of clean and hard material. they resemble a lot to those cheap dolls being sold in the public market. and lastly, the gift contains not only one but two annoyingly looking dolls.

what a waste of money, i thought.

but after a while, i realized that instead of ranting, i should still be grateful for the very thought and effort. i guess, i was just really tired that night.

so i went out and decided to take a bus on my way home to call it a week.

if only i knew that that night was actually the start of the christmas rush i should have just took a cab.

you see, it takes me atleast an hour and half to go to work from my place. but it takes one more hour whenever i go back home. but that night was just crazy. the traffic jam was beyond words. all i could hear was my mouth cursing and my thoughts backing up acting as a chorale.

three hours after, we found ourselves approaching farmers, cubao, at last, when suddenly, the bus turned left and went straight to cubao ilalim. and i was, SHUT UP!!! this bus was supposed to be IBABAW!

sorry but we could no longer afford a traffic like that. you could just probably go down at five star terminal, the conductor excused.

it was definitely one hell of a night.

but instead of taking the advise, i decided to go down kamias and just take a cab from there going to katipunan.

when i thought i just had all the nastiest misfortunes i could possibly have that night, i then realized that i was already stupidly waiving almost every car passing, regardless if its a cab or not, for more than 45 minutes. i already felt that i am on the verge of screaming, asking fate what was that all about. when suddenly, a slipper softly hit my foot.

i looked for its source and then saw a kid. a young boy standing on a crutch and missing his left leg. he swiftly approached me, kicked the slipper away and continued kicking it.

he never lay a glimpse at me. he just continued kicking it from one side to the other, completing a laps he probably call his game. then i noticed him stopped under a dark waiting shed. an image of a wooden cart, about to give up; a mother lying down, surrendering from tiredness and bearing the cold and dusty street floor; and a younger sister enjoying her innocence appeared from the dark.

the image of them made me thought of their own picture of christmas, an unconventional one. or probably, just simply different from what i call mine. when all this time, i always think of christmas as a time full of warm lights, a festivity of bountiful dinner served on a nice wooden table and everyone smiling and happily passing each plate to one another, there they were just trying to survive.

one side of me is asking, how can someone still possibly find the place to make children? what were they thinking? if they can barely have something to feed themselves, why did they still opt in pulling out another and adding it up to their burden? perhaps, everyone has the right to build their own family to at least feel that sense of belonginess and essence of living regardless of class. but don't you think more than one for their condition is just too much and unfair?

but of course that is just one part of me saying.

knowing myself, my thoughts and efforts would always fall and cater to them. though sometimes, there are just those days when i ask myself, are my thoughts and efforts enough? are the efforts of those considered fortunate enough? if the ones they cater keep on refusing cooperation? or perhaps life indeed has his own ways from which man's mind will always fall short to comprehend. but i guess regardless of the answer we will always find life worth living for either from us or from them.

then i slowly approach the younger sister probably barely on her year, i pulled it out from my bag and hand it over to her. it was the doll that i received from the office.

probably by instinct, she just reached it; thinking it was food or money. when she finally realized what it was, she smiled, looked at me and immediately turned her back and went to her lying mother. the older brother then approached them, also curious what it was.

upon realizing what it was for her sister, they all smiled. the brother finally looked at me and said, "salamat po."

never did imagined it could be the most heartwarming thing i would ever received this year and all i could say was:

"merry christmas!"

then i turned my back at them, saw a vacant taxi approaching. waived at it, told the driver where i am heading and went in. as we were fast moving away from them, i looked at them one more time. then pulled out the other doll and looked at it. then thought that i finally had use of this gift: a reminder of all the realizations i had that night---and of the family, who will be spending a different christmas from mine.

kilig

2010-12-20T18:52:00.006+11:00

i'm 25...

and i recognize the fact that i am at that point of my life, where i thought puberty had already passed just to wake up one day, being swept away by a larger hormonal tide.

i remember what T once told me over those rare coffee table moments that we are beginning to lose lately,

"there will always be those times when you will just realize that your urges will be stronger than your rationals and morals; and there will no other way but to give in. for the smarter you are, the stronger your urge will be."

in a way, his words struck me and from that point, i am always reminded with it every time i go elsewhere.

there will be those nights when the heed needs a response and all i can do is just surrender.

like any first, the fear and anticipation drive anyone insane. not to mention those inner ghosts that would annoyingly nag and constantly remind you. but i guess, there is indeed no clear answer for anyone who only lives among the mirage of his assumptions.

but i never thought, twitter-pat could also be that treacherous.

two things i relaized today...

2010-12-12T00:06:00.007+11:00

peripheral-views

last night i dreamed of you--- again

then i suddenly realized that

you will always be the memory

that i will perpetually fall in love with...

until the day the apparition of the prophecy

stands in front of me.

***

then when breakfast came,

the playful life served me
what it called,

the true love breakfast

you know why?

kasi kahit sabihin ng itlog na

maliit ang longganisa,

sasabihin pa rin ng longganisa

na you complete me,

'di ba?

hahahahaha!

a time traveler's letter

2010-12-06T18:23:00.014+11:00

dear jeff,

honestly, i really dont know how to start this for i am not fond of writing letters like you do. for i know its rare for someone to send you a letter too. not to mention the fact, that this maybe the weirdest letter you will ever received to date.

i know that by this time, you are wondering who i am? how did this letter get to you or how did i know these things?

but as crazy as it may sound, i want you to know that i am YOU--- 11 years from the time you are reading this. in short, im writing you (myself) from the future. but before you go ballistic and hysterical or think that this maybe one of those crazy prick your classmates usually throw at you, i want you to hear me out first.

i know that you are going through a very difficult time right now. i know its difficult because you always keep it by yourself. you always tend to handle it by your own. but i want you to realize that its normal. thats what teacher sandy in your grade 5, T.H.E. class is telling you about--- puberty. you should have listen more to her rather than thinking of what cartoon character you're gonna draw that day.

puberty is tough. its like a snake shedding its skin for the first time. confused and anxious. always thinking of what s/he will become just to realize that at the end of the day s/he is just the same. s/he just grew bigger and wiser in order to survive another day.

i know you have good friends who are always there for you. so never hesitate to open up to them. if in case, anything change and they started moving away, just brush it off. for i am telling you, you will meet more acceptable friends along the way, the ones that will always be there for you through thick and thin.

do not also try to think about things too much. its not that i am telling you to completely shut your system down and move purely by your instincts. you just have to loosen up a little. everyone is entitled to commit mistakes because its on those mistakes that you become a better person. you might have probably be wondering now, what you will be reading after these, but its beyond the point.

you will do a number of stupid things on the days ahead. but by knowing this, never try to stop yourself. i want you to enjoy its superficial and temporary happiness then linger on what it seems to be its endless pain afterwards. i want you to experience all of these for i want you to know that i never regretted a single stupid thing that you have done and will do. because it is on those acts that i became stronger and wiser.

do not let yourself be defined by just one big incident. i want you to remember that despite life being one big incident, its still composed of small (good and bad) incidences and it will always up to you on what small incidences you want to fill it in.

hhmmm.. by this time i know you are already convinced and knowing you, you have probably just skimmed all the things that i've said above and just immediately jump into something about love, right?! hahaha!

im not gonna say that im committed as of the moment because that will be lying. and what is the sense of writing you from the future if i going to lie. but you don't have to worry, you will be fine. you will have a relatively deeper sense of love out from the relationships you will have, which some may neither understand nor appreciate. but this will equip you for your journey to finding that true love. fine! i admit you'll also gonna be a mushy lad in denial. probably because of some friends you'll gonna meet that i think it will be best not mentioning.

source

you see. its a big crazy world out here, my self. you have no idea. so do not rush, take your time. life may be full of uncertainty but remember that its on those uncertainties that will keep you going-- that will make you strive more. so whenever there will be days that you feel empty and lonely, just sketch what you feel and always remind yourself with these things i told you.

and NO! i am not gonna say how many partners you'll have. you have to find it out by yourself. hahahaha!

sex is not the only thing that you should look forward to when you reach your legal age. besides, you will lose your virginity even before you hit 18. alright, i think im saying too much now.

im sorry for being straight forward but i bet you will also be surprised on how i manage to get here--- being me now. and don't worry about your morals. there are still intact. im taking good care of it, at least from the last time i checked. but just in case, if this letter somehow moved you, please, remind yourself that your "future you," was also a bit late in accepting the fact, that he also has to loosen up and realize that setting his pride aside can also do him good sometimes. and that he should also realize that he should stop fighting himself; that somewhere in one's life, regardless how wise one claims to be, his/her libido will always be smarter in overcoming his/her rational. its just a matter of how you own such responsibility.

nonetheless, please remember that regardless how depressing life maybe, sometimes, never chase for happiness. try lessening your expectations. so you will never get frustrated. try embracing contentment but always challenge yourself with everything that you do. life is so short for regrets and depression. just enjoy riding the tide but at the same time, be wise in deciding where to start and stop. never limit yourself and always keep an open mind. try to talk more especially to those whose voice are unheard because its in their life stories where the real gems are.

source

4 years from today, you will be opening up a blog. yes, a blog. an online journal, where you will try to collate all your thoughts in english. do i have to repeat that again? hahaha!

so do not be scared on venturing to another skill other than sketching. you will learn a lot of things there and know a number of friends that will mold the person who is telling you all of these right now.

your future self,

ewik

*right! somewhere after graduating highschool you will then decide to live with your second name as a sign of a fresh start. again, best of luck!

before 2010 ends...

2010-12-01T11:45:00.020+11:00

last year, i have decided to come up with a list of things i wanted to do before 2009 ends. and now, lo and behold, its already december 2010 and i still haven't crossed them all out.

so before i come up with another set for next year, here are some that im catching up in my life list.

go back to the gym (april 2010)

i did my best but i guess my best wasn't good enough.

yun na lang masasabi ko! nyahaha!

NEXT!

make or star a shortfilm (march 2010)

in one of my former film classes,

we were required to mount a short film/mtv

with the use of montage.

unfortunately, hindi pwede ipost dito as requested by the talent. hulaan niyo na lang kung bakit... yung sex scene namin, given na yun! joke! HAHAHAHAHA!

create a love potion- my own alcohol mix (june 2010)

go figure kung ano ang name... hehehe!

fill a jar of coins and give it to charity (july 2010)

been trying to save up some spare coins from the alms that i am getting.

there were times when i'm tempted to break it open or steal some from it.

but the feeling of being generous for charity always overpowers me.

i just hope when i fill this up, it will be for the best use.

be published on a book (september 2010)

the story and concept was not mine.

but the illustrations were fruits of my own hands

and imagination.

for privacy purposes,

i will not be disclosing the title of the said book.

sagada (october 2010)

awesome food trip: must try are yogurt house and lemon pie house!!!

sumaging cave and the hanging coffins

beach (september 2010) : Costa Bella Resort, Cebu

it was not exactly the way it looked from the internet and its pretty way out from my budget. not to mention, its not also friendly for someone who does not drive. but the feeling of just dipping in cold sea water and the relaxing cool sea breeze makes all the trouble worth it.

sleep all day (november 2010)

never fond of sleeping really.

always feel like there so many things pass by when you are asleep

but that day i made an exception.

brewed happy thoughts and continued it in my dreams.

dinner with the first (november 2010)

last week, i received a message from an unknown number. little did i know that it was from the first, telling me first is in the country and inviting me for dinner.

we met in moa, a place i rarely go to. since the first just came from abroad, i took the initiative of thinking where to dine. i thought of my favorite dining place. but when i was about to text it, the first called and said, lets meet in yakimixx. well, the thought made me smile. never really change after all.

yihihihi! ayan, pwede na magmove on for 2011! bring it on!

life list 2009:

enchanted kingdom/ birthday party
full body spa
ocean park
isdaan gerona, tarlac

check in a motel
resign
set up an aquarium
lose 20lbs
fly a kite
write a short story or a compilation
go to malate
make out with a stranger
binondo food trip
watch or act in a play
walk trip dance all night long
reconcile with my ex
talk to a prostitute
dvd marathon
cook for family and friend
banana split

in this list:

make or star a short film

be published on a book

sagada

fill a jar of coins and give it to charity

beach

create a love potion (my own mix of alcohol)

sleep the whole day

have dinner with my first love

carried on for 2011:

go to the zoo

bukidnon
lipat bahay

go back to the gym

open a savings account

bachelor's ref
out of the country trip

zero balance credit card
open a savings account
bachelor's ref
out of the country trip

teach

buy mum washing machine, aircon and microwave
establish a stable business
have a pictorial

quit smoking

scuba diving
learn a new sport
join a rally

have an exhibit

change someone's life

nostalgia

2010-11-25T19:49:00.004+11:00

first is the dream. next, we encounter routines. then choice follows. finally, we meet our considerations.
but if our considerations overruled our choice, we end up dreaming again.
***
you wake up bathing with sweat.
even your eyes still half close, you instantly reached your phone; already knew where it was even if it roamed all over your bed the entire night.

you checked for some messages and missed calls. then reply to them with the least sense you could pull out from your head. the dream is still fresh. it messes itself with reality. but you wanted to remember it and don't want to forget just like the rest. hence, you held on it.

after realizing you are no longer dreaming, you get out of your bed and head to the toilet.
after you're regime, you go back to your cradle and turn the tv on.

you scan for any interesting show in a typical afternoon.
once settled, you open your laptop and check for any emails. you surf for a number of websites until your tummy pleads, that becomes your queue.
you then decide to put your slippers and hit the streets. you drag yourself in search for a place that you haven't eaten yet. but the choices are thin, especially if you are living in the same place for the last four years.

source

after taming your stomach, you then return back home. sadden with the realization that you have no place else to go.
while walking, you'll calculate how many hours left (like you usually do) before you go to work again. once you have determined it, you'll squeeze yourself out for something worthwhile doing. but the prize is as scarce as a diamond in a pile of broken glasses. so at the end, you find yourself forced to watch either a movie that you have already seen for the sixth time or daisy siete when worst comes to worst.
by the time you need to prepare for work, that is the moment that you'll start bargaining for another 15 minutes with yourself. chances are, if the diligent ego wins, you will have an extra 30 minutes to smoke before going to work. but if the stubborn-you wins, you'll lose another 200 php for the taxi fare.
then after a long day of work, you'll find yourself exhausted from walking and commuting towards home--- alone.
nothing in mind but to lay down on your bed and sleep until you never wake up again. until you dream the same dream again. the dream that you again, have forgoten.
you'll tell yourself that your routine seems to be endless.
***
contentment is probably man's missing other half. almost everybody keeps on searching for it through material wealth, bodily pleasure, emotional stability and even intellectual satisfaction. but sometimes, once it is achieved, we will then realized that it is not actually what we are looking for; that something is still missing. thus, we look again.
everybody is endlessly chasing it: without even knowing what it truly is, regardless of how uncertain the path maybe.
nonetheless, everyone will agree, that not all of us have the same form of contentment. it may vary. and for some of us, we even find our own contentment in the very routine that we are taking.

well, i just wish that i am one of them, that i could learn how to live and love my routine.

temporary

2010-11-16T02:23:00.006+11:00

it was so surreal.

never did i imagine myself getting caught in the same scene.

as C pulled up the blanket and curled to slumber. i stood up, pulled a stick and rest my back on the headboard. funny how the cigarette fume restores one's rationality and pulls back a raging tide of realization. and just like lying on the shore, its drowning once it hits you. then you're awaken, questioning every inch and angle of what you have done. until you finally start questioning even yourself. making you promise. although you know, deep down in you, that you are just making yourself to believe.

its just tough to decipher what is reality from fantasy now, especially if your clouted with frustrations and depressions. and did i mention desperation too?

i guess, this is the problem if you have so much options, that we always wished when we were little, without realizing that in achieving so we always tend to miss the best among the crop. by best meaning, the one you genuinely wanted. but who said, contentment is easy to find? isn't that what keep us all going?

oh, don't you just hate those dialogues you usually come up in your head? but surprisingly, i have been craving for nightmares lately. those types of dreams that wakes you up in the middle of the night with cold sweat. too heavy that leaves you paralyzed and makes you shed a tear. because it is during those rare moments that i can hear those long lost chest beats--- again.

as i felt the heat crawling close to my lips, i looked for a tray and killed another fixation. then i took a deep breathe and told myself,

" 'til the next urge."

i left the room, without turning off the light. i turned around and made a last glimpse of those silent cheeks and now, calm lips. so this is the feeling after all--- of everything being temporary.

surprisingly, it would always be our last since i really have to move on. but this time, beyond my own volition.

source

charantia 2010

2010-11-14T12:54:00.006+11:00

too much sweetness in the air, it makes me bitter

HMPF!
CARE BEARS!

revisiting

2010-11-12T08:00:00.000+11:00

A was looking at him in a distance, beneath a rusty and clamoring roof.

A inspected how genuine his smile was. how innocence poured all though out his lean and well-sculptured body. how he really enjoyed dancing in the rain, as if, he was being showered by all his long lost youth.

A can't stop thinking how truly happy the man was. how rare that moment could be to anyone. how he could be the happiest man during the time; as if nothing has the right to ruin it.

then A suddenly noticed him approaching, wide smile not moving an inch. he grabbed A's wrist and gently pulled him to the drench. he swinged A around, not minding the possibility that someone might see them. he wanted A to share the same happiness he was experiencing.

A smiled.

then the movement stopped. He slowly went close and kissed A. everything melted. then he gave A the tightest hug, whispering behind A's ear, saying how happy he was.

A smiled again.

while inside his warm embrace, A then remembered why Charlie Chaplin loved the rain; for it is the only time people won't notice him crying.

the eighth brew

2010-11-11T00:43:00.005+11:00

funny how things are going with me so far.

reading my entries several months ago, made me realized how much i have been ranting with how unfulfilling life had been going--- work wise. how monotous it had became that it already became a stagnant routine, almost draining all the life energy in me, making me almost surrendering with such hopelessness.

now, i find myself sitting on an empty hotel bench, infront of a beautiful pool with a turned on jacuzzi above, while having a good smoke, my eigth cup of kalingga brew, and a laptop sitting on my lap to actually boast everything--- just kidding!though back in the metro, i am still trying to desperately ask friends to do my enrollment for it is only up within the week. but time is so rare nowadays, that i cannot afford to include such in the things that i am presently thinking. so i am letting my years of friendship to do the magic.

actually, i still cannot say that this is the best job for me. but i am trying to love it--- enjoying it! besides, its not really common nowadays, to have profession that travels a lot, meeting new faces, hearing different stories and experiencing a totally different breathe.

(huwag lang tayo pupunta sa usapin ng lovelife dahil nanununtok na ako lately sa usaping yan! hahahaha!)

it was our last night in baguio. friends were texting for a meet up, for catch ups. but unfortunately, the demand to prepare for our next trip was that heavy that i have to sacrifice some invitations. it was infact, depressing not to meet friends that you haven't seen for a while--- dear and close friends for that matter.

i guess, baguio already had placed itself within me that it is already hard to set it aside. memories, regardless how minute and embarassing they maybe, constantly haunt and remind you how life slowly molds you to an entirely different individual; whether you like it or not . well, i guess, change is indeed inevitable, never easy and we just have to suck it up--- hopefully, for the better.

the following morning, i woke up by a call in my phone. i sluggishly reached and answered it.

"sir, si malou po ito. nandito na po kami ng driver. san po namin kayo pupuntahan?"

i just told them to meet us in the mezzanine for breakfast. then i asked my partner to use the bathroom and prepare first, while i hurriedly pack my things. after packing, i approached our room window and made a last glimpse to the metro and its rare vacated morning.

then i silently whispered, "someday... someday."

ang tunay na wanderer...

2010-11-10T12:49:00.010+11:00

... hindi takot suungin ang mga one lane rough road,
no barrier beside the cliff,

na may countless landslide
over foggy weather na national road!

*i miss writing. kahit kailan napakahirap kalaban ng oras!

*the following are actual photos.

child play: masbate, dangerously beautiful

2010-11-03T02:52:00.014+11:00

i looked at my ticket again and read 5:15 AM.

it was already 3:45 AM,and without any sleep, i have decided to go straight to the domestic airport from tomas morato, after having countless bottles of beer (again) with my bedan blockmates. i have been officially baptized as the "ultimate kaladkarin" of the group

i flipped the next page and read another name printed on it. my supervisor instructed me to wait for this guy at the airport and he will introduce himself there.

when i arrived it was already 4:10 AM, and no familiar face was on sight. i tried to contact him and a man with a deep voice answered the phone, apologizing tremendously for being late.

he arrived right after the last call. i already failed to profile him for we immediately rushed towards the check in counter. the clerk told us that we were just in time, the gate was about to be closed. we only had the chance to talk when we were boarding, he introduced himself as M. he also works for the same company as i am but in a different department. he also seldom goes to the office, no wonder he is not familiar.

it actually took me a while before i was able to ask him what will his role be in our current task. he smiled and looked at me.

"i will be your BG," he answered.

i caught myself really surprised. it was actually the first time that i will have my own BG, at least for this project.

he explained that the area is relatively risky for someone like me. though i know how to speak the language, it is still not enough to handle unexpected situations. right that very moment, i already thought of enrolling myself in a martial art class.

***

we arrived in masbate at exactly 6:30 in the morning. we went straight to the hotel we are staying, reviewed my itinerary and proceeded with all the necessary retrievals required.

masbate is a province in between the island of luzon and visayas. but it doesn't have any hints that it is detached from the main land luzon for almost all familiar establishments are present there. it almost reminded me of my dad's hometown, sorsogon, that also made me realize that my ancestors are actually rooted in the island of ticao, another island of the territory of masbate.

i called my dad and informed him that im in masbate. but i never thought that ill be more surprised than him. for the first time, he was really concerned. for the place has a reputation as he claimed (whatever that means).

then M told me that aside from its beautiful beaches, masbate is quite famous for its resurgencies and numerous untold ambush attacks. but i was never bothered since our intentions were not something political and besides, the conotation for the leftist groups have never been an issue with me, for i know these are just one of those black propagandas.

***

we went to the centro to take a ride going to our target area. there, we were given an option to either take the tricycle or habal-habal, (a trip, where 3-5 people are forced to fit on a single motorcyle). ofcourse, i took the tricycle ride for i know the area will be quite bumpy and dusty; and with the equipmetn i am carrying, falling from a moving vehicle down to a rocky road is the least i want to happen.

on our way to the area, i saw a number of passing habal-habal, that made me realize that it is really the most popular and cheap mode of transportation in the area. it costs around Php10 per person while the tricycle can soar 'til Php50, but what really got my attention were the mini buses.

its your typical provincial mini buses, where passengers are already spilling outside the vehicle. and there are kids on top of each. i was a bit intrigued with the kids on top. for aside from being only around 8-12 years old, without any adult supervision, each of them were also holding long and dark pellet gun and shot guns. cut soda bottles, attached with a piece of string, wrapped around their heads, covering their faces. their movements could tell me that they were aggresively and anxiously waiting for something or someone.

then i noticed another set of kids that were standing along the bumpy and dusty road, also holding pellet guns. in an instant, they were swiftly clicking their guns and firing at each other. a good ten shots flew at both parties. when the mini bus made a good distance, each party posed a series of aggresive poses, insulting each other, as of resembling to the cracking dance.and the same scene continued as we drove along.

but what made it more surprising, was that no adult riding the bus, reacted nor opposed of what happened. it was as if nothing really happened. and during my entire stay, as i go back and forth to the area, the exact scene repeated over and over again.

somehow, it made me remember the film, cicade de dios or city god.

then i realized, if this is the kind of child play, someone has been exposed to while growing up, no wonder the place has already enveloped a negative reputation.

in such setting, ambush or any violent attack, regardless of how irrelevant they maybe, will eventually be deemed legitimate or ordinary by such society.

ironically that night, we attended a town fiesta activity, i clearly remembered one of the lines the provincial education superintended said in his speech. he describes masbate as dangerously beautiful.

please be reminded that i do not intend to write this entry to throw bad words against the province. i just want to point out an event that seems to be invisible to the locals. i am not questioning any morals nor traditions. perhaps, i am just trying to send an inquiry across, expecting an opinion back.

***

another surprising scene in the province were the kalboys.

or kalyeng baboys (akala niyo ha?!).

unlike the domesticated pigs i used to see from the places i have been. the kalboys in masbate are free to wander around the perimeter of its owner. it runs with the dogs, whenever their master call and feed them. they chase each other and sniff things new to them.

i can just imagine how manila or other nearby provinces will look like if such treatment to pigs is enacted. vegans will definitely rule!

***

relatively, there is no night life in masbate. so i decided to just stay in my hotel and think of anything else to do. but i failed. the day was so boring for me, that it lived with the province name, literally. hahaha! kiddin!

paano pa kaya sa trip ko sa panay??? hahaha!

***

after masbate, we rode a fast craft going to sorsogon then legazpi city!

despite numerous times, i have seen mayon, it still never fails to awe me. its even more breathtaking if you'll look at it above.

nung highschool ako at wala pang jolibee sa aming baryo, sikat ka na kapag kumakain ka dito--- sa quick n' hearty. hahaha!

wish stick

2010-10-20T10:53:00.008+11:00

tonight, as the harsh cool night breeze escapes to my window, i find myself staring at my monitor screen again. reading my thesis, which is a week pass its deadline, for the hundredth time. and all i could do, was just to patiently wait for the right words to come.

i decided to take a break for the warning of an upcoming headache is at sight. i took a box out from my resting bag, opened it up and saw a couple of cigarette sticks. my brain already developed dependence to the dizziness a puff brings. i wonder, until where it can bring me tonight.

behind my cabinet were piles of fresh clothes neatly stacked and just like me, they too, were also waiting.

i lit my first cigarette and took a deep sip. but for some reasons, flashbacks instantly flew like pages of the already staled book in front of me.

i remembered the very first stick i had almost a decade ago. it was the sweetest stick i ever had, no wonder i still could not drop the vice until now. or perhaps, it was more than that.

perhaps its the search of having the same experience again. the thrill and excitement of not getting caught and called a newbie; pressured by new peers in an entirely different place. trying to be cool, pretending i am not.

unfortunately, when i was already in the group, it was already too late. i was completely caught tangled with it. i just hate when i am not in control, especially of something that pertain to myself. i guess there is no longer any way now, but to claim it. nonetheless, i am still hopeful that someday i will surpass this--- that i will totally overcome this addiction.

when i felt the heat crawling near my lips, i forcefully smashed the dying flame on the ash tray as if holding the very stick responsible for me, losing my own control. but then i took the box again and saw my last. i laughed at myself, realizing it was actually a wish stick. i laughed because of the realization that i am almost a decade smoker but i am still doing the same routine: still believing that i am entitled with something before finishing a pack.

honestly, i already lost count of how many wish sticks i had and how many wishes i had said. but if there is something that i am certain about, it is the fact that i have been saying the same wish for myself (other than whats for my parents and close friends) over and over again.

a couple of years back, i used to ask my friends or someone i knew, how it feels like to be 25? what did they do during that time? or what they should have done during that age?

but for some reason they would always give me that strange look and awkward answer. basically, they would always say its irrelevant and insignificant to who they are now, that its just the same, nothing really special.

but i remained unsatisfied with their answers. probably because, i just couldn't stop myself from escaping the realization that i am already nearing that corner of my life; that i am always in competition with time; and that i would be stuck with my own uncertainties and unfulfillable decisions of staying in a profession that i really do not like nor imagined myself for the rest of my life.

at the age of 23, i was already torturing myself with these kinds of life dilemmas. instead of enjoying things as they come and go, like i would always tell myself, i tend to wonder with the things that are miles ahead of me, otherwise. i guess, thats what the film boy culture meant, its difficult to live this kind of life for you think like you are already 40 even though you are just 14. but how can you blame them or me, if fear, in its full bloom, is (still) lurking around our presence.

last july, i just turned 25, still unemployed but blessed with a supportive family and circles of friends, ever understanding and supportive. nonetheless, i knew that it was still not enough. thus, i was then determined to take the risk, to change and make this something special. so without even thinking, i signed a job offer that is way more than what i used to earn despite my pending debts, due bills and even my rent.

suddenly my phone rang again. i answered it and heard a familiar voice.

"prepare your things. we have already booked you a flight. you are going to bicol." then the line dropped.

in an instant, i opened my email, printed my ticket and copies of my tasks. closed my laptop, approached the neatly stacks of fresh clothes behind my closet and put them inside my sack. i went out and hailed an approaching cab. then on my way to the airport, i felt a very uncomfortable thing bulging inside my pocket. i took it out, found the same cigarette box and saw my waiting wish stick inside. for a second, i caught myself staring at it. flashbacks instantly flew again. but in my surprise, i slowly closed it, put it aside and told myself,

it had to wait. i still have to come up with a new wish.

tatlong mukha ng paglisan

2010-10-15T20:18:00.007+11:00

“Ma, nasa loob na po ba niyan si papa?” buong inosente kong tanong kay mama habang pinagmamatiyagan ang dambuhalang balikbayan box, na linuwal na kalawanging trak.

Naalala ko noong unang beses kong itanong iyon sa kanya. Halos bumagsak ang mga bubot niyang luha sa alulod ng kanyang mga mata, nangingig ang mga nanunuyong labi at halos hindi makapagsalita. Nito ko na lamang naintindihan ang hapdi nang pinagsamang pangamba at pag-aalala.

“Hindi kasya dito si Papa,” matapang na sagot niya habang binubuo ang mga bigkas ng bawat salitang yun.

“E, kailan po siya darating?”

“Malapit na,” yun lagi ang mga katagang s(in)agot niya.

“Gaano po kalapit?” pag uusisa ko.

“Basta, malapit na.”

Utang ko marahil ang pagiging Best in Math ko noong elementarya sa pagbibilang ng mga araw kung kelan darating si papa. Patunay pa ni nanay, mas nauna ko pa daw natutunan ang pagbibilang kesa sa ABAKADA. Mas naunang naunawaan ang adisyon at substraksyon kesa sa pagbabay at grammar. Lahat yun dahil sa paghihintay.

Marahil kung susumahin, bago ako tumuntong ng kolehiyo, mas higit pa sa bilang ng edad ko, ang mga pagkakataong umuwi at nakapiling namin siya. At noong napagdesisyunan na niyang hindi bumalik sa barko, kasabay ng pagkawala ng hilig ko sa numero ang pananabik ko ding makapiling at makausap siya. Siguro kaiba sa mga prutas, hindi kailanman naging matamis ang pagkahinog ng aking paghihintay. Sa madaling salita, nangahulugan ang kawalan ng mapag-uusapan, ang madalas naming away. Nagagawa naming palakihin ang mumunting ‘di pagkaka-unawaan. Nagkamalay akong kaiba sa kanyang inaasahan. At kaiba naman siya sa mga imahe ng pangungulila ng aking kabataan.

***

Marahil kundi dahil sa edad namin, marahil ay perpekto na ang lahat. Hindi naging malaking isyu kundi man kami nakakalabas gaya ng iba, maging affectionate tulad ng iba. Naging masaya na kami sa kung ano ang napupuslit namin; kung ano lang ang pwedeng maging sa amin.

“Anong plano mo pagkatapos nito?”

“Pupunta ako ng Maynila. Gusto ko’ng magtuloy sa masteral. Tapos maghahanap ako ng trabahong pwedeng tumustos sa pag-aaral ko. Dyahe na din kasing humingi sa mga parents ko, e ikaw?”

Marahil kung alam ko lang kung ano ang isasagot niya noon, sana hindi ko na lang binalik sa kanya ang tanong.

“Pupunta ako sa Canada. Kukunin daw ako ng tita ko doon. Magtratrabaho para naman makatulong kanila mama at papa--- para makabawi naman kahit papaano.”

Malayo ang tingin niya habang sinasagot iyon, na para bang tanaw niya ang Canada mula sa aming kinauupuan.

“Maganda yan. Yan naman ang pangarap mo di ba, ang matulungan ang iyong pamilya.” Mahirap makipag kompetensiya sa pamilya.

Hindi ko alam kung napansin niyang binitawan ko ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya. Pero magkaganun pa man, hindi ko na sinubukang bawiin ulit iyon.

Gaya nga nang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko, matagal na akong gradweyt sa paghihintay.

***

Noong nakaraang taon, bumalik ang matalik ko’ng kaibigan mula sa Singapore. Halos magdadalawang taon na siya duon. Bakas mo ang kanyang pananabik sa kanyang bawat pag-uwi. Subalit mas madami pa sa pasalubong niyang over-sized na damit at tsokolate ang kanyang baong mga kwento. Kwento ng pangungulila at kung papaano trinatrato ang tulad niyang Pilipino sa kanyang pinagtratrabahuhan. Kayod kalabaw ...

Subalit sa kabila ng mga ito, matuturing niyang mas mapalad pa daw siya kumpara sa iba niyang kakilala, na tinutunggali ang araw sa pagkakayod kalabaw at binuburo ang mga gabi sa pangungulila sa mga mahal sa buhay. Magkaganun pa man, para sa akin, hindi pa din nalalayo ang kanyang buhay sa kanila.

“So babalik ka pa ba?”

“Kelangan eh. Kasama na ata yun sa job description ng kontratang pinirmahan ko.”

“Kelan ba matatapos ang kontrata mo?”

“Basta, malapit na.” Nakakatuwa at nakakainis isipin na pilit akong binabalikan ng sagot na ito.

Dalawang linggo lang siya sa bansa noon. At isang araw bago siya bumalik ng Singapore, tinext niya ako. Ihatid ko daw siya sa airport pag-alis niya. Pero mas piniling kong hindi na sumagot, kaya hindi ko siya nahatid. Mas pinili ko yun dala na rin ng katotohanang,

kailanman ay hindi ako naging magaling sa pagpapaalam.

*special thanks to max

the person i do not want to be

2010-10-13T11:19:00.004+11:00

if there was one thing i remembered about her youth, it was her ambition.

her parents told her, she was the smartest among all the nine children they have. thus, being in a poor family of farmers, they always had high hopes for her.

she dreamt of taking up a degree in economics and pursue a career out of it. she wanted to be a career woman, save up and live a life out from a land that they can't even call their own. but its hard to live a life when you started from scratch. thus, she also pursued the (only) road most people like her takes--- an entirely different alley.

she took a vocational course and worked as a secretary in an appliance store in caloocan to save up for her dreams. but along the way, she met her employer's nephew, a young, charming seafarer with a big sense of humor. to make it short, she fell in love with him and before she knew it, she was already conceiving their first child.

source

so she had to set her dreams aside for the meantime and focus on the arrival of another unexpected path, being a wife and a mother.

without even getting married, they decided to move together and eventually saw the downfalls of each other. the seafarer, still in denial that he was about to become a father, began playing around. while she on the other hand, was left inside their small apartment, brewing a strong concoction of frustration and depression.

i really can't speak on her behalf about what she was going through that time. but if there was one thing i am sure of, it was very severe. so chronic that it actually cost us our supposed oldest sibling. but on the brighter side, it made my dad realized he was already a commited family man.

as time passed by, we then came. all four of us; two boys, two girls; and me being the eldest now. and life flew above my mom like a swift passing afternoon breeze. it was so fast that she even forgot about the dream she once set aside. and for her, it was already too late.

***

two months ago, my mom and i had a big fight over this huge favor i was desperately asking from her. she refused simply because my dad disagreed.

i forgot the last time i went that ballistic that it totally made me cry. i was so mad at her that i decided to give her the silent treatment i thought she deserved.

i began asking questions like why can't she make up a decision of her own? why does she always link her life with other people? why can't she be independent? i guess, it was the feminist in me that added the flare in my anger.

for weeks i refused to get her calls. i never replied back whenever she sent me messages asking how am i? did i already find a job and all those other motherly questions, which i live for the most part of growing up.

basically, during that time, i lived a segment of my life telling myself, kung natiis niya ako, kaya ko din siyang tiisin. that was how far i could be when i am mad.

then early this morning, i woke up a bit awkward. i felt there was something different. then i realized, she was there. my entire family went back home here in manila to spend the holidays.

source

as usual, there she was again, living in her own world, built on that part of our house with a knife and a crop in her hands. silent, reserved and almost frail. though i always remember her to be very eager and a bit stronger before.

it always makes me wonder whats going on inside her head. i always wonder what she feels, about choosing to fulfill other people's life other than her own. i wonder what she will rant if given the chance or if she is even capable or brave enough to give out one? did she ever regret living a life behind us?

i grew up telling myself, i don't want to be like her. i don't want to live my entire life behind the shadows of other people. i don't want to lock and stagnate myself doing household chores only and that i will never allow love to hinder me from achieving my dreams. i want to live my life to the fullest. i want to be as successful as i can be until i will be remembered.

suddenly, she turned on my direction and caught me just staring at her. i was literally dumbstruck in that moment. for the first time, i couldn't think of anything that would get me out of that awkward situation. for i still want her to believe that i am still not okay and that i am still mad at her.

but then she smiled at me. something she rarely does and that completely swept away all the grudges i have for her. then she wrapped it all up by saying, "kumain ka na? pinagluto kita ng sinigang na baboy. tinanggalan ko na din yan ng buto para hindi mo na himayin tulad ng gusto mo"

i never thought, she knew. although it was a given fact in the family that sinigang is my favorite dish (probably because, for me, my mom cooks the best sinigang like all other children will say about their mother).and compare to other kids who usually separate the fat part from the meat, i on the other hand, would never touch any meat which has bones with it and i hid this from my parents because of the fear that they will call me stubborn(again). eventually, i have outgrown this habit but never i have realized she would remember.

i guess, if theres someone who knows you better than anybody else, it would be our parents, and for me it would be her.

in that moment, as much as i want to deny it to myself and despite being taller and bigger than my mom now, i felt like a kid again.

her scent crumbles down all the knowledge and strength i have proudly acquired from my education and experiences. the touch of her warm skin as it accidentally brushed on mine, brings back memories of me crying for her name for refuge whenever i wake up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream. and her gentle voice can just conjure serenity and calmness, i kept looking for.

indeed, its really hard to talk or write something about the person you genuinely love. that is why i never wrote something about her until now.

i guess, i still don't want to be the person like her for the simple reason i can never be like her.

she is beyond any words of description that only the child in me can comprehend. perhaps, she have already fulfilled her dreams, although not the dreams she intended to be but of a better one, and that is raising us well.

source

and now im writing this entry to affirm her success. so that every person who will read this will know that she has been as successful as she can be and she will be remembered to be the mother of this son who once wrote that simple but victorious story of her life.

also read:
letter in the closet

free (boys) will

2010-10-08T11:41:00.009+11:00

the other day, i was riding a bus on my way home. as usual, the traffic was as slow as molasses, especially around that time. but i am not complaining.

if there is one thing that i am looking forward, it is that part of the day--- going home. but it is not the actual part of being home that i am fond of rather it is the commuting that keeps me want to leave work early. for it is the distance between my office and home, where i could have a silent time for myself; contemplating--- thinking of random things.

then while i was looking at the window, i saw a group of kids in the middle of EDSA in front of robinsons pioneer. they were standing beside a slowly moving taxi, looking inside. the driver tried shooing them away. but in a snap, they immediately opened all the doors and tried searching for something. the passenger panicked and grabbed all his possession. perhaps, without anything to be picked, the kids ran and scrambled away from the vehicle.

(days after, they were identified as the hamog boys, a part of the bukas-kotse and salisi gang.)

from there, i wondered, where their parents could be and how they became a part of this.

***

a little over a year ago, i came to realize that there is no sense of arguing when it comes to religion. beliefs are just not easy to rationalize nor be bend since this is something that we carry on from the day we could remember and passed by our generations. thus, i always opt in avoiding such discourse. gradually, i have realize it is just a waste of time, not to mention that i am self confessed agnostic.

as cliche as it may sound now, i never allowed myself in losing my faith on a higher being. for me, as long as science has not yet overcome its limitations, i will still hold on to that single reason why we are all here. but my doubts and uncertainties lie on the institution that claims to represent it and from here i refuse to elaborate further.

i grew up strictly catholic. brought by catholic schools. raised by prayers and molded by the teachings of the bible. and if there is something that i learned and still hold into, right to this very moment, it is the concept of free will.

Thus, today, i am making an exception. for the simple reason that i value my freewill more than my default religion.

i believe that free will was given to us, not by any whimsical reason nor as an outcome of being rational. it is there for us to write the distinct tales of our lives regardless of what the ending may be. it is our choices, options and even the circumstances that weave each strand of our individuality.

source

to conclude, free will is bounded by the options one has, and to deny that option is simply to deny free will. thus, above everything else, denying that very choice is denying our very own faith.

major major favor

2010-10-02T11:19:00.009+10:00

"hey," said the message that popped up below my monitor screen.

"hey back. whats up?"

"can you do me a major favor?"

"let me see what i can do"

"can you temporarily delete me from your contacts?"

i was awkwardly surprised as million thoughts immediately flew in front of me, telling me bizarre reasons.

"why?"

"i'll call you. i'll explain it over the phone."

after a while, my phone rang. i answered it and heard a very uncertain voice; almost doubtful of whether he will say it or not. but i guess, cornered with the situation, he attempted. at least, he tried.

i knew M online. though we were never that close, we check each other once in a while and its been ages since we last did. so i was really interested on what M is going to say.

"can you check someone for me? but he shouldn't know that we know each other."

"how do you want me to check him?"

"pretend as if you are someone."

"someone like what?"

fillers. silence. more fillers.

i knew it was beginning to be uncomfortable for M. though a bit confused, i asked for the person's name and checked his digital prints.

"i just want you to pretend as if you are someone filthy capable of offering him an indecent proposal. i just want to know if he will bite it."

i felt as if something cold rushed to my head, screaming, HUWAAAATTTT??!!! but i figured i have to hear him out.

"i guess, he is a model?"

"yes."

"PLU?"

"no."

"hmmmm....so what am i going to do with him again?"

"alright. i'll be honest. i am currently managing him. but i have my doubts."

"doubts of what?"

"that he is using me?"

"you already slept with him, noh?"

silence.

"and now, you are developing feelings for him na din?"

longer and more awkward silence.

"how did you know?"

"booking."

"you had the same experience?"

"im referring to the movie."

"does he know?"

"i guess so.why are you making this favor so tough?"

"dude, of course. i need to know everything."

"alright, yes."

"why?"

M already refused to answer my questions.

"i cannot promise you anything. but let me see what i can do."

besides, my job has landed me to worst and i don't think it will hurt that much anymore especially if i am doing it for a friend.

***

but after we ended the call, it really made me think about it.

denial

sometimes, just like a shape sorter toy, regardless of how we force ourselves in the picture, how we fight for us to belong in the same frame and how we struggle and wish to be another , we simply just can't.

for the simple reason that we are who we are. instead of drowning ourselves with frustrations, we should learn how to plow the best out from it.

depression

i can sense that M totally understand this: that regardless of how perfect the picture maybe inside his head and how marvelous tomorrow maybe for them, the realization will still hit him that what M wants only serves himself and that M is silly to believe that M would eventually be accepted and appreciated, more than what he is receiving now.

its paradoxical how they are completely different despite being the same.

anger

M knows, this is just plain business. that what happened to both of them could probably be the guy's ways of gaining his real intentions. but M still insists.

why?

bargaining

because M believes that it is no longer the possibility that matters now. what he only wants is the guy's better welfare, that he will be a good husband and father to his family. M is no longer expecting anything in return. M just wants to be the good Samaritan to him, his angel, to put it on his words.

but at the end of the day, i only hope that when the lights are turned off and silence starts to creep in, this fulfillment will be enough to cradle his loneliness to sleep.

and

acceptance... to follow.

going down the queen

2010-09-30T13:47:00.016+10:00

"packed your things. you'll be leaving for cebu today."

then the line dropped.
immediately, i opened my cabinet, sort fresh clothes from the laundry and stuffed it inside a small shoulder bag. no more time for second thinking of what i still need to bring.
in a matter of 5 minutes, i already caught myself hailing a cab and riding inside it.
two hours later, i was already walking along mactan international airport looking for my contact, where she later brought me in a hotel in cebu city.
***

i must admit, it was my first time in cebu. actually, it was my first out-of-luzon trip. alright, it was also my first AIRPLANE ride (roll eyes to geek and toiletots).

***

cebu doesn't have much difference from manila. if not for the language, i can wake up there believing i am still in makati or in quezon city. your manila signs obviously are there: the heavy traffic, rows of commercial establishments, fast paced commuters and of course, the ayala mall.

***

a friend once advised me, never ask in filipino/tagalog in cebu because most of the time, they would answer you in bisaya (he believes, it is cebuano's way of getting back to manilenos prejudices against their accent). he added that i should rather ask them in english. but being me, i still insisted in asking in filipino. luckily, i understood the language eventually.

***

other than food and hotels, the three major businesses in Cebu are:

1. water vending machines; 2. spas; 3. foreigners.

water vending machines

i guess, "ice tubig for sale" is already long gone. in cebu, water vending machines are almost everywhere, especially among busy streets. the concept is you get a sheet of plastic bag, located on the side of the machine; open it right below the water funnel, then drop a peso. then, water will just automatically pour and stop once it reaches it serving level. you then tie a knot above the plastic and bite a hole on the side. then the rest is just gulping.

massage/spas

like, water vending machines, spas in cebu are crazy everywhere. almost every street has one. they offer a wide array of services from full body massage to facials and foot scrubs, and it doesn't even costs that much. usually, it ranges from 150-250 php/hour.

if you try checking online and compare your results to other key cities in the country like manila or davao, you'll learn that the number of cebu masseues and masseurs are winning by miles.
now, it makes me wonder if either it is indeed stressful to live in Cebu or the people are just...

fond of relaxation.

it was also in cebu that i have heard (note: heard, not learned nor found out) the linggam massage.

foreigners

at first, i always believed that the huge number of foreigners are concentrated in Cafe Havanna in Greenbelt 3. but when i went to cebu, it appeared as if the entire Cebu islands were the main branch of Cafe Havanna.
unfortunately, for some of us, it seemed as if whenever we see a foreigner, they automatically register to us as stacks of cash; or whenever we see a foreigner together with a Filipino partner, we immediately connote that that the Filipino is a milker.

you can understand this by observing how aggressive and assertive certain subjects are towards foreigners, especially among malls and bars (particularly in Mango Square).

i guess, this is another part of colonial mentality that we failed to look into in our history and sociology classes.

***

when riding jeeps, people from cebu don't rely on the signage. they rely on the number-letter on top of each vehicle: 13C, 4B, 12L etc. as if they are map coordinates.
there are also cases, from which, when you ride a certain jeep going to a certain destination (for instance, 4C). but you will be needing to ride a different jeep (12L) to go back. or that was just me being dumb with directions again. hahaha!

***

after almost 4 months of no rice diet, operation: no rice diet was suspended in cebu. who can resist their presentation? and it only costs 2php.

but i guess, the bottomline is, you cannot fully enjoy cebuano food without rice along with it.
especially the cebu lechon and POCHERO aka BULALO (don't expect Cebu's pochero with tomato sauce).

***
looking for popular place to eat, friend suggested this place, where they serve the best grilled and raw food. so i hailed a cab and told the driver,

"manong, SHOOT-TO-KILL po tayo!"

i swear, i saw him laughing at me (eto pala ang feeling nang nadidiscriminate dahil sa accent). ***
i really enjoyed going to Cebu. infact, the supposed to be 5 days stay was extended to 13 days. i consider it as a working vacation, since our job there is to pose as a tourist. and they are planning to send me their again for a 2-3 month project. but if offered, im thinking of declining. for me, the time frame is just too long.
personally, cebu is for vacation, not for work.

but then again, kung malaki ang food allowance at may prospect love life baka ma- 'let me think about it ako.' hahaha!

random thoughts over dinner talks

2010-09-29T13:50:00.004+10:00

last night, on my way to trinoma, after work, one of my blockmates from san beda called.

"where are you?"

"on my way to trinoma. why?"

"meet us in figaro, quezon avenue.its urgent!"

"near capitol hospital?"

"yeah."

her response made me shiver while cold sweat gushed in all over my body. for some reasons, pictures from the recent bloody bar exam explosion came in mind.

"what happened?"

"its A's dad. he had another stroke attack."

in an instant, i asked the cab driver to take the u-turn in quezon avenue.

10 minutes after, i saw myself pushing the cafeteria's door and saw them laughing. if i didn't notice A's eyes wet and almost sore, i would think that its one of their silly pranks again (and if it was, its not a funny joke).

i took an empty chair near the wall, avoiding being in front of A.

"so what happened?"

"pwedeng mamaya na. hintayin na natin yung dalawa. hirap kayang magkwento at umiyak. magastos sa mascarra."

i laughed. relieved knowing she can still joke.

there were 8 of us in the table, another two were on their way.

but upon looking at them, i realized its been 4 years since we have been friends. despite the fact, that we came from different institutions and back grounds (five of us were from UP, another from Ateneo and a muslim from UE); we are no longer in the same school; and things have drastically changed, we are still intact and going.

in a way, i can say that we were no longer the same individuals 4 years ago. Four in the group, later became lovers. while k brought his new boy friend, who also happens to be his supervisor. the other two also have their dates and girlfriends with them. in short, it was as if there was on going multiple dates, from which i was the Nth wheel.

after a while, the two guys from La Sallle finally arrived and asked us to go else where for dinner. we decided to hit bite club in katipunan extension.

There, A told us what happened. she was already crying and more tears rushed down when she told us that they need to decide whether to proceed with an open brain operation to remove the clot that appeared in his dad's right brain or just opt in medication that would hoepfully melt the clot. both would be risky and would not assure anything.

everyone became speechless.

with no expertise in medicine, all of us tried contacting our separate contacts for advise and consulted it to A.

she would tell us her decision by the next morning.

then her partner arrived together with other folks from alabang. they were all lesbians. yes, A's partner is a girl. among all the relationships she had gone, this is the first time she commited to a fellow woman, and quitely honestly, they were damn serious about it that they even had their names inked in their bodies.

it was never an issue for us. in fact, she would even consult us rather than her other close friends whenever they are in the rocks; even the boys. we (A nd I) never thought they would give such advises for they are seldom silent.

then suddenly, the limelight was switched on me.

"ikaw, kelan ka ba may ipapakilala sa amin. ikaw na lang ang walang pinapakilala sa atin ah."

it was just then that i have realized that within the group, i am the only one who is currently single and not dating anyone.

there, i saw everyone's attention turning into me as if the same realization just dropped on their heads.

"ang dami-dami mong alam tungkol sa lovelife namin pero kami walang kaalam-alam tungkol sa iyo."

i felt something blinking inside me; alerting and reminding me that i just do not like this kind of attention.

"hindi ko alam. nahihiya daw SILA."

everyone laughed.

"eh bakit may sing-sing ka sa ring finger."

i lift my right hand "left kaya yung iniisip mo. eto nasa right!"

"eh bakit ngayon mo lang sinuot yan?"

"first year pa lang tayo, suot ko na ito. huwag kasi puro mukha ko lang tinitignan niyo."

laughter grew louder; from there i took advantage of changing the topic.

i dunno.

i remember the times when i was still seeing someone and they would invite me for dinner. i was dying to bring my date with me and comfortablly introduce the date to them. but its the uncertainty of how they would react that made me really scared. so i didn't and that fear grew in me.

later our bond went deeper and we have learned so many things from each other, i realized that i am still no longer comfortable with the idea.

perhaps, because there are just things that you do not really have to disclose. and such decision should also not have any bearing with your friendship. its just that, i have realized that regardless of acceptance, there are just things that we need to keep private. people and things that we need to keep to ourselves, regardless how selfish it may sound.

though i am not closing doors. i am still open with the possiblity that perhaps, someday.

but for now,

maghahanap muna ako ng proproblemahin at ira-rationalize ko! hahahaha...

flying away (shabu city chronicles part 1)

2010-09-28T10:02:00.008+10:00

as i find my steps along a dark corridor, a warm smile glistened out from the darkness.

the sound of the mild music in the background made me glide along the thin scent that romanced the air.

suddenly, a figure slowly appeared, held my hand by surprise and led me inside a narrow nest, where thin walls separate me from the rest who bravely ventured towards the same uncertain voyage.

the figure gave me a minute to take off all my hesitations while i, on the other hand, was justifying all my excuses.

as i stripped off all my pretenses, i realized, it was easier for a stranger like me to step into it. perhaps because i have nothing to chain against this soil, not even my soul.

when the figure came in, i lied against my back, stretch my arms as if surrendering myself to fate-- or perhaps it was my own volition.

then warm force fell on me, i almost moan. the pressure just hit the right spots, pushing the hollowness away, as if they already knew each other long ago; as if it understood where it really hurts.

the touch did not stop me from imagining a familiar loneliness; a figure quite vulnerable in such place.no wonder how apathy fills these rooms every night, everyone are still deemed to be defenseless.

then suddenly, words struck out of nowhere until i caught myself getting acquainted with rare innocence and compliments. never thought such could also be commodifed. thinking if its the very necessity we pay for from the start or just another passing fad.

indeed, its hard to lie when you directly look at someone--- even in the dark.

ironically, it magnifies the truth that you keep on avoiding. the same face you kept on denying. but as i naive as it may sound, you will just then realized, it was just simply you that you are looking at.

so i closed my eyes and tried conjuring the characters from the hundred stories i have encountered and even the minute sound behind the walls i've heard.

one by one they came to life, not in front but deep inside of me. and in an instant, i became the character of someone else's story. i began to think like them, behave like them, and crave like anybody else. perhaps, this was the meaning of being human that i have always missed, after all.

suddenly, i felt my arms gently being stretched away from stiffness. then heard a voice to take the grip and so i obeyed. but in my surprise, it was not a wrist that i have expected, rather i caught my hands tangled in between irresistible warmth. then more images appeared. more than i ever thought it would be.

questions whimsically flew in and out of my senses. i was already thinking of a warm bath, as cliche as it may sound. but perhaps, all i really was that night, was just a confuse amateur in this frame, that allowed the tide to completely engulf him.

when the moon revolt to rest, i took the courage to ask the figure's name. but instead of hearing a name, i heard a gentle familiar chirp, the ones that usually welcomes the day as a response.

then behind the thin floating curtain, i saw a small and innocent weaver standing and making its last blank glimpse at me before flying away again, like it usually does.

silence

2010-09-18T01:04:00.003+10:00

i miss this.

i miss writing what my lips can not utter.

i miss throwing out thoughts without having doubts and pull backs.

and i miss listening what other people just have to say.

well, i guess, i am just enjoying what i am having.

it definitely makes me think, that not even a second of pause can interrupt; to the point i am forgetting and losing even the few things dear to me.

though not as rewarding as it may seem, it still gives me a sense of fulfillment at each end of the day.

oh no,

it doesn't make me happy.

rather,

it makes me feel acquainted with contentment.

and for now, that is all that really matters.

though there are just so much things to tell about,

but as of the moment,

just let me be.

name game

2010-09-11T17:23:00.004+10:00

i listen to this radio station as i carry myself to the the office everyday. one day, they came up with this segment where listeners call the station and just say the complete name of the first person they have slept with. the segment was a bit off for a radio show having that time slot. nonetheless, it remained its promise of being really entertaining.

i heard a number of names. some were popular, while others were just so complete that they even included the middle name of that person.

it just amazes me how names could give an idea who the person is, beyond matters of simple identification; and even to the fact, that some of us would really exert the effort of knowing such person right to the very minute details or to the opposite extreme end of not minding at all.

as i listen to the show, i then asked myself what if i hear a familiar name: a friend, an acquaintance, a relative, a family member or even my name perhaps, how will i react?

luckily, i didn't.

but then, after the show ended, i imagine how these people, who called in, have to hold and carry that person's name for the rest of their lives; or realizing how much value they have put to that person during that time until now. not that it really matters and life changing, but there are just some, whose names have already been tagged to another person, whom s/he (possibly) will never meet again. chance association, as some people call it.

later that night, i went for a drink with another friend in timog. somewhere along the stream of our conversation, i wasn't able to stop myself from asking and raising the same topic to him.

"whats the complete name, including the middle name of the person, whom you first slept with?"

there was a long thinking silence. i noticed his eyes moved from upper left to right, as if trying to look and pick the answer above his head. then he said, "i could only remember the first name."

"or at least, the first name he told you his first name was, right?"

"something like that."

then we both laughed.

we later agreed on a silly theory that is it possible to determine the level of promiscuity or sentimentality of a person basing from how s/he recalls the name of the person who s/he first slept with?

the accurate s/he is, the more we can say that the person is sentimental and vise versa.

good thing i still remember mine, including the middle name: J.C.B. AKO NA!!! hahaha!

now, someones thinking. hahaha!

attention

2010-09-06T01:13:00.002+10:00

it was an enormous explosion of countless charge that lingered into everyone's senses. bright and flashing light blinded the dark. while loud music left no chance for silence. indeed, it was the perfect sanctuary for escapes.

for a moment, i caught myself standing in the middle of a great battle, where everyone was trying to win attention. confused of everything that is happening, i didn't let my guard down. for deep inside, i still know my reasons for their whys. although choice could really be that hard to ponder sometimes.

source

with my age and experience, standing there felt i was an entirely different person. confused, naive and a bit vulnerable. as if the only way for survival was not to look, not to care. being apathetic is a way of marking one's territory, despite the extinction of mere space. its a matter of being the prey or the predator: or someone being or trying to be irrelevant.

i admit, there were countless encounters. familiar faces and even very familiar souls. some i recall, while some i ignore. left me wondering how big the circle really is? how the chains are link?

nonetheless, i just let the vagabonds ship them home. but it just surprises me how they greet each other with smiles, nods and hard shoulder taps; as if they only had coffee and banofee pie from the last.

when exhaustion kicked in, loneliness and confusion poured. then, i've realized this is not the attention, i am wanting--- that i am really needing.

Ang Paghahanap

weekend pebbles

bloc

2010-08-31T02:25:00.004+10:00

before, i always find myself at ease with words whenever restlessness and depression fall.

writing instantly became a friend, capable of all understandings. regardless, how illogical and irrational it maybe. it never complaints nor throw any prejudices. it doesn't give any unsolicited opinions nor advises, that were never asked; it only listens. in short, it became my immediate sanctuary.

but lately, i just find it difficult to compose my thoughts. there were countless days and nights, when i saw myself stuck in front of my monitor screen. long hours of stitching words after words after words. just to find myself erasing them right to the very beginning. until i then realized that theres just this uncomfortable feeling that pulls me back, as if i lost faith and trust to them. words were indeed starting to hide from me. as if i was a stranger to my own thoughts.

thus, i just can't help from asking myself if my words have already betraying me? or if they're just trying to teach me on how to reach them once again. but regardless, i just cannot afford this bloc. not now, not anytime soon.

words, how fragile and illusive you can be.

cues

2010-08-24T22:19:00.004+10:00

your eyes squinted when you told me,
everything is okay
never dropped a contact
but your stare lingered an indescribable cold
made you not notice
the last shirt you gave meyour shoulders so uptight
slowly moving closer to each other
hiding you from something only you knew
even sense the vibrations of your gentle stomps
as it sang an intolerable rhythm on the floor
it was just then when you pulled out a stick
and held it between your shivering fingers
that i have finally felt your cues
as words carried by soft tones
came out from your burning lips
one at a time,
telling me how beautiful everything was
and how priceless that moment could be

all i could hear was

only silence

how come it never went across?
how it never felt the way they used to be?
how everything was just subtly different

but it was when you stood up,
faced your back at me
and effortlessly dropped your shoulders,
that i have completely realized

that everything was already indeed over

thinking post

2010-08-12T21:20:00.006+10:00

finally...

source

when a close blockmate from college invited me to pass my resume in the company she is currently working at, i no longer hesitated. i immediately updated my cv and sent it to the email address she gave me.

fortunate enough, i received a phone call from an unknown number on the same day. it was a girl on the other end. she introduced herself, the company and a brief introduction with the job opening that i applied for. but what really got my attention was when the first question she asked me was,

"how tall are you?"

"i am around 5'10," i weakly answered. hesitant that i might have heard her question differently.

"good."

though relieved that i have heard it right, i was a bit confused on how my height was related to the work i am applying for, until the next day.

i came in 10 minutes before the appointed time. wearing a dark long sleeves and pair of black slacks, which i always wanted to wear. a girl in her 20s, wearing a floral blouse and a classy black skirt welcomed me and took my hand. from the tone of her voice, i instantly recognized that she was the same girl i talked to yesterday.

she handed me three sets of pamphlets as she walked me inside the testing room. inside, were three other applicants answering the same questionnaires. from the looks on their faces, i knew it will be not like the other application test exams i have taken before and true enough it wasn't. although there was the common IQ and abstract reasoning exams, the remaining parts of it was more of challenging your wits which i really enjoyed. some of the questions were:

"there are two US coins that adds up to 30cents but the other coin is not a dime. what are the two coins?"

"the tallest mountain is mt. everest. but what is the tallest mountain before it was discovered?"

"your friend is holding a photograph. when you asked him who was in the picture. he answered you in rhyme, the person has no siblings, the man's father is my father's son. who is the in the picture?"

and luckily, among the four of us, i was the only one who was asked to do the interview and the final test.

it was already after lunch, when the HR manager asked me to join the rest of my fellow trainees who already started their training since monday (i went in on a wednesday). from then on, i prepared myself for the next things to happen.

true enough, i was surprised with the training. it really felt like i was evelyn salt, with lips really pouting in every challenge that were asked from us. we enter malls, hotels, airports, commercial centers, bringing to life different covers. there i played a desperate applicant, an aspiring model, an executive secretary for a certain VIP waiting in the hotel lobby and many more.

there were even times when we were asked to walk certain areas in makati and memorize all access points, traffic flows, street lights and street signs. and even assigned to stand up on a certain spot in ayala avenue during rush hour and count all passing vehicles, their color, brand model and the last two digits of their plate number. while a co-trainee was doing the same thing on the other block, hoping that our tally would match.

honestly, the job is difficult and tiring.

most of the time, i go home with my feet or body killing me: or find it hard to catch sleep because i keep on thinking what my next cover will be on the following day.

but whenever i feel like ranting, i just keep on reminding myself of the days, when i used to wish for a job more exciting than sitting in front of my monitor screen--- feeling so hopeless.

things inside my pocket

2010-07-30T16:42:00.005+10:00

even the thought of clearing my throat was not an option. it was already too late when i have realized that my own courage already abandoned me inside that cold ruin. paralyzed and confused.

the only things left were two familiar objects i always kept inside my pocket and another one, which i always deny bringing.

it was not the first time i have been with this ghost. but regardless of how much i shield myself against it, my body still reacts indifferently. it drops down 'til i chill. my heart turns cold like a snail, but my face burns as if its melting all the coming intuitions.

then i opened my eyes wide and bravely watched as the shadows danced and swept time and everything away. it is just fascinating how it weaved empty memories. honestly, i never really thought that i would still live up to that day to witness and be mesmerized by it. something not all are privileged to see, for they chose not to see it.

though the thoughts of freezing vodka mingling on the tip of tongues was tempting, something inside my pocket just pulled me back. the same moment when i have realized that a cold sheet of pure impulsiveness almost devoured me. thus, with a weak but definite voice, i pulled myself together and marched away. dressing myself with a distinct pallet of two entirely different colors of victory and loneliness.

all i could hear then was the last drops of a drying rain pour, and a deafening silence behind the door in front of me.

for a moment, i felt scared of what i was to embrace. but the urge of not looking back was stronger than the shackles that kept and defined me for the longest time.

so this time, i promised myself that there will no longer be any room for regrets.

randomness

2010-07-28T15:34:00.009+10:00

random realizations from the past week:

source

moving on is not a matter of forgetting, rather its the process of coming up with simple acceptance and empty memories.

source

Y refers to a person you have dated but did not work out well. Thus, you call him/her Y because s/he almost become an X.

its not always about relying to one's intellect. sometimes, we also need to open up to things, especially to those we do not understand.

peripheral-views

it is still our rationality that separates us from the savages of our spontaneity.

and lastly,

source

mahirap pumunta sa madidilim na lugar mag-isa, lalo na kapag naubos ang hinandang steamed talaba. hahahaha!

promiscui-T

2010-07-20T16:00:00.004+10:00

stop that! don't you know its rude to stare?
i think, i know him.
someone you slept with again?
i am not sure. but more likely.
seriously, do you still know how many have you slept with?
dude, who's counting?
are you flattering yourself again?
in a way. but its more of me, morally telling you, i already lost count.
i guess, i just can't imagine myself standing or passing by someone i just had casual sex with.
you'll get used to it once you have realized its not that bad.
really?
yeah. most of the time, i feel like there is a number of familiar guys in the building i have already slept with?
how did you know?
in the elevator. they would look at me and whisper to each other. then become silent after wards. but i just brush it off.
people from the company?
no.fortunately, i am not yet the whore that you think i am.
of course not. you still haven't had me.
then we both laugh.

i have realized that in this kind of preference, where finding commitment and settling down is almost next to impossible, everything is justifiable. everything has a reason, as long as people are open in listening and understanding it.

for T, i know, being promiscuous is the only chance he has in order to find that impossibility, even if he always remains silent about it.

virgin daw si jim

2010-07-16T17:36:00.003+10:00

*isang minadaling writing exercise about homo-erotic fiction.

"virgin pa po kasi ako, kuya."

sus. kung makailang beses ko nang narinig 'to. at madalas, kinukumbinsi ko na lang ang sarili ko na maniwala. sa tinagal-tagal ko sa pagpunta dito, alam ko na kung sino ang nagsisinungaling at nagsasabi ng totoo. kungsabagay, totoo man o hindi ang sinasabi ni jim, kantot pa din ito para sa akin.

nakilala ko si jim sa internet. bagong graduate daw siya at galing sa probinsya. kaya naman, nakuha niya agad ang atensyon ko. at lalo akong nanabik nang makita ko ang picture niya. as usual, katawan lang. moreno at matipuno. pero halatang batak sa bukid o dagat. ganun na ganun ang tipo ko. wala na akong pakialam kung anong itsura ng mukha. hindi na naman mahalaga ang itsura kapag tag-libog ka, di ba? bonus na lang talaga kung gwapo.

nagkusa na akong bumili ng condom at lube sa convenient store na napagkasunduan namin. nagpanigurado na din ako ng gatorade. hindi na din naman kasi ako bumabata at ayaw ko namang mapahiya. pagkaubos nang iniinom ko, sakto naman ang dating niya. at tama nga ang horoscope sa dyaryo, sweswertehin daw ako sa araw na ito.

magandang lalaki si jim. mapungay ang mga mata, na halata mong kinakabahan; mayabang ang ilong, at higit sa lahat, mapula ang labi, na parang may sasabog na gatas kapag kinagat mo. tang' ina lalong lumakas ang pitik sa loob ng brief ko.

kaya dumiretso na kami sa kalapit na motel. tahimik lang si jim habang papunta kami duon. "ayos to ah," sabi ko sa sarili ko.

ayaw ko kasi ng madakdak bago makipagseks, nawawalan ako ng gana. para sa akin, saktong seks trip lang. ayokong nakikipagkwentuhan dahil hindi naman ako naghahanap ng kaibigan. nababad-trip din ako kapag nakakarinig ng kulot o twang. kaya mas okay na yung tahimik.

pagpasok sa kwarto, dumiretso agad ako sa kama. umupo sa gilid at nagtanggal ng medyas at sapatos. habang nakatayo lang si jim sa harap ko at nakatitig sa akin. hindi ko napigilang mapatawa. halatang hindi nga siya sanay sa ganito. kaya sinunggaban ko na.

tumayo ako, diniretso ang kanyang labi at agad hinanap ang kanyang dila. siguro laway na niya ang pinakamatamis sa lahat nang natikman ko. bigla ko tuloy naalala ang probinsiya.

sinagot din naman agad ako ni jim ng halik. naalala ko'ng, parang nag-espadahan ang mga dila namin sa loob ng kanyang bibig. maya-maya'y marahan kong sinipsip ang dila niya dahil sa pagkagigil. napaungol naman siya sa ginawa ko hanggang sa napansin ko'ng siya na mismo ang nagpapasok ng dila niya sa bibig ko--- mukhang nawili ang binata.

dahan-dahan kong tinaas ang kanyang tshirt. pagkahubad, sandali ko munang pinagmasdan ang katawan niya. pagkatapos ay lihim na napamura. nang makita ko ang matigas niyang mga utong, linantakan ko agad yung nasa kanan . napaliyad si jim at napahigpit ang pagkakasabunot sa akin. lalong lumakas ang pag-ungol niya ng simulan ko'ng laru-laruin ang kanyang utong ng aking dila. pabilog-bilog, taas-baba at marahang sinisipsip. tang' ina ang unang salitang narinig ko sa kanya. pero ang sarap pakinggan nu'n tuwing sinasabi niya. ang macho lang ng boses; malalim at garagal. lalo talaga akong ginanahan.

hindi na din naman napigilan ni jim na abutin ang dibdib ko. hinanap ang matigas ko na ding mga utong at pinaglaruan. ginagaya ng kanyang mga daliri kung paano ko siya dinidilaan. naisip ko'ng para akong teacher at siya ang estudyante ko.

maya-maya'y bumaba na ang labi ko mula sa pagitan ng kanyang matigas na dibdib, pababa sa kanyang tiyan. medyo natagalan pa nga ako sa bandang iyon. nakakakiliti kasi sa mukha ang manipis na karog na gumuhit mula sa ilalim ng kanyang pusod patungo sa ilalim ng kanyang brief. may kagat na ang halik ko sa katawan niya, hanggang tuluyan na din siyang napahiga sa kama.

hindi ko na matandaan kung ako o si jim ang nagtanggal ng aming pantalon. basta ang alam ko, light blue ang brief na suot niya, dahil tandang-tanda ko kung papaano sumilip ang dulo ng ulo ng kanyang sandata sa loob nu'n. parang humahalagpos mula sa masikip na garter; parang asong nakatali, nagmamakaawang palayain at naglalaway. tang' ina, ang lakas ng pre-cum ni jim. akala mo naiwang gripo sa lababo.

dahan-dahan kong binaba ang brief niya. seryoso, nagulat ako sa nakita ko. parang nagtaas-baba ang mga kamay ko sa isang malaking tubo na hindi mo alam kung nasaan ang magkabilang dulo. nagtuloy-tuloy ako sa pagbayo habang pinagmamasdan ko kung papaano mabaliw sa harap ko si jim.

bawat parte ng katawan niya ay nakakagigil. at masasabi kong ngayon lang ako nalito ng ganito sa isang naka-sex eyeball. hindi ko alam kung ano ang pwedeng pagsabayin, kung ano pa ang pwedeng haplusin at lamasin habang binabayo ko siya. ito yung mga pagkakataon na iniisip mong sana kasing dami ng daliri mo ang kamay mo pero dapat ay mas madami pa din ang labi mo. parang walang hindi masarap kay jim. sisimutin mo hanggang sa pinakadulo at kasingit-singitan.

maya-maya'y, bigla akong tinulak ni jim pahiga ng kama. agad niyang binaba ang brief ko at sinubo ang aking alaga. ang init ng loob ng bibig niya. parang binababad sa maligamgam na tubig ang titi ko. may manaka-nakang sumasabit ang ngipin niya pero ayos na din. hinablot ko ang kanyang buhok at binayo nang binayo ang kanyang mukha. hindi naman tumanggi si jim kaya lalo ko pang binilisan ang pagbayo. halos mapasigaw ako sa sarap.

"tang' ina ang sarrraaaaappp!"

lalong bumilis, sumasabay na si jim sa aking pagbayo.

para na akong lalabasan. parang madami-dami itong malalabas ko. gustong kong iputok sa mukha at lunurin si jim ng katas ko. pero masyadong maaga pa. gusto kong sulitin ang pagkakataon.

hinugot ko ang sandata ko mula sa bibig ni jim. pinahiga ko siya ulit. ako naman ang sumubo sa ari niya.

"taaaaannnggg' iiiinnnnaaaaa, tol!"

halos mangisay sa sarap si jim. binilisan ko na din ang pag tsupa.

linabas ko na ang isa sa mga secret technique ko: eight shallow, two deep.

lalong lumakas ang sigaw ng binata.

maya-maya'y kinuha ko ang biniling lube at pinahid sa daliri. mababaw at dahan-dahan kong pinindot ang tumbong ni jim. agad siyang napabangon.

"kuya, hindi ko po ata kaya yan."

"huwag ka'ng mag-alala daliri lang ito."

"hindi ko pa po kasi yan nasusubukan. natatakot ako."

lalo akong nanabik sa pagkumbinsi sa kanya.

"hayaan mo dadahan-dahanin ko saka sanay ako dito. sa una lang 'to masakit pero kapag nasanay ka na lalong sumasarap. sige na, pumayag ka na."

may pag-aalangan sa mukha ng binata.

"expert ako dito, huwag kang mag-alala. ako ang bahala sa iyo," tinapos ko ng isang matamis na pagkindat ang paninigurado ko sa kanya.

napangiti na lamang si jim at bumalik sa pagkakahiga.

agad kong sinubo ulit ang kanyang sandata. nagtaas-baba habang ginagalugad ng daliri ko ang mailap daw na butas niya. nang matagpuan yun, buong ingat ko'ng binagtas ang kanyang kasikipan. napaungol ang binata. bahagyang napausog siya papalayo sa akin nang sandaling naging marahas ako. mukhang kailangan ko'ng maging mas maingat.

mas mainit ang loob ng dakong iyon ng binata. mainit subalit malambot. animo'y nakilala ko ang isang panig ng kanyang pagkatao sa loob nun. lalo akong nananggigil, gusto ko siyang pasukin. gusto ko'ng angkinin ang kanyang unang karanasan. nais ko gawin itong isang karanasan 'di niya malilimutan. gusto ko'ng maalala niya ako.

nang maramdaman ko'ng relaks na ang kanyang loob, hinugot ko ang aking daliri at inabot ang biniling condom. biglang napabangon si jim sa kanyang pagkakahiga.

"huwag muna. hindi pa ako handa. hanggang daliri na muna, kuya," buo ang takot sa kanyang pakikiusap.

sandali akong napatingin sa mukha niya, at naging napakapamilyar ng tagpong iyon. parang bigla ko'ng nakita ang sarili ko sa kanya noon. noong una ko naman karanasan, sa isang lalaking hindi ko na matandaan ang mukha at pangalan. wala na akong nagawa kundi tumango.

dahan-dahan ko ulit siyang pinahiga. inabot ko ulit ang bote ng lube at nagpahid ng mas marami. mas naging madali na sa akin noon na hanapin ang kanyang namamasa ng butas. umungol ulit si jim pagpasok ng aking daliri. napaliyad sa kanyang pagkakahiga. napapikit. lalo ko tuloy nabilisan ang paglabas-loob sa kanya. lalong lumalakas ang kanyang pag-ungol.

"masarap ba jim? ha? sagutin mo ako? masarap ba, ha?!"

subalit ungol lang ang naging sagot sa akin ng binata.

naisip ko'ng ipuslit ang isa ko pa'ng daliri. binilisan ko lalo para hindi niya mapansin. inabot ko na ang kanyang nanlalambot na sandata at binayo din ito. nagsimula na niya akong tawagin.

"kkkkuuuuyyyyyaaaa, ttttaaaaannnngggg' iiiiinnnaaa. kuuuyaaa!"

halos maputol ang kanyang litid sa katatawag sa akin. may sandaling parang gusto ko nang palitan ang aking pangalan. ironically, pakiramdam ko ang taas-taas ko habang minumura niya ako. parang ang galing-galing ko, parang ang lakas-lakas ko sa kanyang bawat pagsusumamo.

"kkkuuuyyyyaaa, annnngggg sssaaaaarrrrrraaaappp! ssssiiiiiggggeeee pppppaaaa!!!"

lumalawak na ang kanyang butas. talagang nag eenjoy na siya sa ginagawa ko. kaya sinubukan ko pa'ng magpuslit ng isa pa'ng daliri. lalong lumakas ang kanyang pag ungol at pag sigaw pagkatapos ay bigla siyang napahawak sa aking braso.

"kkkuuuyyyaaa, sandali lang para po akong mapupunit."

hininto ko siya sa kanyang ambang pagbangon.

"sige lang, masasanay ka din. malapit na 'to."

lalo ko pang binilisan ang pagbayo sa kanyang likuran.

"AH! kuya, mukhang lalabasan na po ako e, kuuuyyyaaa! kuya!"

ito na ang sandaling hinihintay ko. dumating na ako sa rurok ng aking pagnanasa para kay jim. tuluyan na akong nagpadaig sa aking panggigil. kaya naman lalo ko pang binilisan ang aking pagbayo mula sa kanyang harap at likuran.

"kkkkuuuyyyyaaaa, mukhang lalabasan na po talaga ako. hindi ko na kaya, kuya."

"sige lang, tang'ina ilabas mo yan. iputok mo lang! ok lang yan. ako ang bahala sa iyo."

sa una muling pagkakataon, gusto ko ulit makita ang pagsabog ng kainosentahan sa aking harapan. hindi man ito ang unang pagkakataon na may linabasan sa harapan ko. pero sa dalas ko'ng ginagawa ito, parang naging pare-pareho na lamang ang itsura at eksena ng lahat ng mga nakasiping ko.

subalit may kung anong kakaiba kay jim na labis akong nanggigil. sa una muling pagkakataon ay naranasan ko muli ang pakiramdam katulad noong una akong nakipagtalik sa kapwa ko lalaki. halos nailabas ko ata noon ang lahat ng katas ko sa loob ng aking katawan, at lagpas ulo nang sumabog.

gusto ko muling makita yun. gusto ko muling maranasan ang pakiramdam. kaya nagpatuloy ako sa pagbayo habang nagpatuloy naman si jim sa pagsumamo at lalong humigpit ang kanyang pagkakahawak sa aking braso.

"kkkkuuuyyyaaaa, aaanndddiiitttooo naaaaa, kuya!!!"

"tang'ina sige iputok mo!"

halos ikabaliw ko ang pagbayo kay jim. yun na marahil ang pinakamabilis na pagbayo na ginawa ko. mas mabilis pa sa ginagawa ko sa sarili ko.

"lalabas na talaga kuya. eto na..eto na..."

halos hindi na ako nakapaghintay, napako na lamang ang tingin ko sa kanyang harapan habang halos maglaho ang kamay ko sa kakataas-baba sa kanyang alaga. nag-aabang. naghihintay.

"eto na kuya, eeeeetttttoooooo nnnnnnaaaa...."

AYAN NAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

isang mainit at malapot na katas ang umagos sa aking kamay kasabay ng paghugot ng isang malalim na hininga si jim. malakas ang pagsabog ang nagawa ng binata. subalit hindi ito lumagpas sa kanya-kanya naming mga bunbunan. bagkus animo'y isang dakot ng magaspang na putik ang tumagas mula sa kanya, na may mas nakakasulasok na amoy, kaiba sa aking inaasahan. dahan-dahan ko'ng hinugot ang mga daliri ko mula sa kanyang pwerta. at duon tumambad, ang marahil, lahat ng kinain niya noong araw na iyon o mga nakalipas pa.

duon ko napatunayang, oo, tama. virgin nga si jim.

excuse my religion

2010-07-14T19:12:00.008+10:00

*this will be a lengthy post.

never argue about religion.

this is the one thing that i have realized from multiple discussions i had so far. for me, regardless, of how interesting or promising the flow of the conversation may be, i always try to avoid it as much as possible; especially at times, when someone insist it to me.

let us admit it, it is never easy to tackle and question another people's belief. for first, it is simply disrespectful, not only to the individual, but to the long history of the community s/he belongs. and lastly, you will never ever reach a common point. it will always be just an (heated) arguement, rather than a healthy debate or conversation.

religion is the sum total of a long history of beliefs and traditions of a particular community. in sociology, it is believed to be practiced and observed for it is deemed appropriate, or better yet beneficial, for the survival of both human individual and society.

i was born and raised roman catholic. and i can say, that my family is pretty strict and compliant when it comes to our religion. signs of it include the fact that all of us studied in exclusive catholic schools. we observe novena everyday, attend mass during sundays, pray grace to each meal we have (even if its just small snacks and meriendas); and even required (by our parents) to memorize, fully understand and discuss each passages of the bible before we go to bed. i even remember my dad bringing me to a seminary when i was sent to the province to take highschool. but since i was a transferee from manila, the rector did not allow me. nonetheless, i never ended up being religious. but i could not classify myself neither as an agnostic nor atheist. i'd rather prefer being called spiritual.

for me, the belief of (a) god/s is always present. but i can not help myself from doubting some claims whenever it is being interpreted and applied by its institution (or the church) to my life. and other than these, i refuse to elaborate further. for as i have earlier mentioned, i am avoiding crossing other people's boundaries, until that day.

he was my immediate supervisor from my previous job. i never really knew him that well. all i knew was, he seriously wants to be a seminarian and hopefully to be a priest. but since the responsibilty of being the eldest son in the family indirectly called him, he set aside this ambition first and took the role of being the bread-winner of his family. nonetheless, he claims that he kept a spiritual adviser in contact whenever his devotion is put into the test because of work.

"eric, are you a catholic?" he politely asked me while i was busy signing some work-related documents.

"by paper, yes. by practice, no."

"meaning?"

"i believe in the presence of god. but i value my free will more than what my church calls for me."

"interesting. but why?"

"i am sorry, boss. but i am really not comfortable elaborating my answer."

"i understand. its okay."

i smiled at him as a sign that i appreciate him respecting my decision. but at the back of my head, i was also itching to know why he raised the question. thus,

"why did you ask?"

"nothing really. i just wondered, how are you with your teammates considering they are... you know.. they are..."

"gays and lesbians?"

yes. all of my teammates, if not for one straight guy , are gays and lesbians.

"i am pretty okay with them. actually, i enjoy their company and i never really considered their sexuality as a problem to their performance or to mine."

"it is surprising that you are pretty open and considerate with this."

"of course, why can't i?"

"you see, personally, i have already accepted this idea (idea??? strike one!), especially in this kind of industry (aha! stereotyping. strike two!). but as a religious person, all i can do is to tolerate. but what i am really against with is the... (he was already twitching just thinking of the word) sex or promiscousity associated with this kind of life style for it is a sin (SIN. strike three. OUT!)."

there goes my queu. gathering all the thoughts in my head, i composed myself and just smiled back at him. for i knew, he would definitely asked for my opinion.

"how about you? whats your stand about this?"

told you.

"for me, sex is neither a need or want. it is a drive. and human nature will tell us, that regardless if it is about sex or not, the more you repress or supress something, the more an individual reacts, craves and does it. thus, in terms of the behavior, we perceive it as being promiscous.

i guess, what i am just trying to say is that the behavior is due to the lack of institutional recognition; that is deemed wrong or a sin because of the absence of that one thing that justifies sex: marriage. though i am not really a big fan of the general concept, i still believe that it will definitely be beneficial to the general welfare of the individuals concerned and even to the society they belong; for the fact, still remains, that regardless of how non-traditional the concept may be, all of us are still deeply rooted with a big part of our common traditions and beliefs.

i believe that human nature is not as complex as what we think it is. what we just need to do is to try being more open to the wide variety of possibilities, in order for us to understand it. besides, there is no such thing as a stationary individual or society. each entity evolves based from each needs in order to survive. thus, if a society is faced with such problem, it does not mean that it needs to throw away everything that it has long-established and change entirely. what we are just being called for is to adjust, if deemed necessary, and then move further. for the only thing that changes in this world is time alone."

then i immediately looked at my supervisor's reaction and i swear, i heard a voice inside of my head saying, "nganga!" hahaha!

he did not follow up anything anymore. he just slowly nodded and asked me to go back to my desk. when i sat on my station, T was seated beside me, "what is that about? it took you guys almost an hour."

"nothing. just trying to know each other."

then i saw a subtle smile on the side of his lips.

"whatever, T."

days after i ended my contract, i received a text message from an unknown number.

"hey eric. how are you? i have heard of what happened. wanna have coffee this weekend?"

it was my supervisor, N.

who cares?!

2010-07-13T22:00:00.000+10:00

finally, i decided to take a walk that night--- alone.

avoiding the thoughts that my room maybe brewing agaion for me. i just find it difficult, nowadays, to digest all the things flying inside my head. its depressing and at the same time paralyzing.

i miss so many things.

i miss my innocence and anonimosity. i miss watching movies, reading and commuting alone. i miss appreciating small and taken for granted details; wondering and weaving stories behind them. i miss talking to myself over a cup of coffee or tea. or probably, i am just missing the old skin that i am currently shedding.

while walking, i just then realized that i have been living here in katipunan for almost four years now. its surprising for someone, who stayed under 12 roofs in baguio during college. i never really stayed in just one place that long.

but over the years, i just noticed how i am fascinated with the oppositions of the place. that despite the long march of high rise buildings and fancy restaurants, its always the shadows behind these luxuries that always grab my attention.

you see, theres no day that i pass by here that i do not cross a taong grasa or vagrant. in fact, i already loss count of their faces. I have already forgotten the names of men and women; old and young; silent and cheerful that i have assigned to each one of them. Unfortunately, just like me before, they've never stayed that long for me to remember them specifically. for they just simply come and go, without any concerns if they will be remembered or not. Thus, there faces eventually molded into a mere solitary figure.

the row of abandoned establishments at the end of the stretch, under the fly over going to katipunan extension, has always been their sanctuary. the place was as dark as their skin and drenching with this distinct musk coming out from their pores. but despite these, the place, most especially them, have remained invisible to everyone. no one was really braved enough to face the pity in their faces.

i remember, one day, seeing random things written in charcoal on each of their sanctuary’s walls. some were numbers, while some were unended stories about various things in this universe. yes, universe. Sometimes, i just catch myself surprised with such big words written there.

i wondered what they really meant. if they were about things they’ve met along their ways, or if they were just mere fragments of their memories or even the sanity that have long forgotten these people. well, it just break my heart to picture them finding their way back to this place again, claiming the only thing that they can call their own, already been washed away.

now, while back reading some of my past entries and writing this post at the same time, i then realized how lucky i am to have these means of keeping my memories. something, that they never really had. if only they can, i bet they can tell us one of the best stories ever been told to man, rather than these petty juvenile concerns that swarm us everyday. oh, if only they could be heard.

but who does? if in this selfless world, people would just refuse to listen, believing that the only things that matter and important, are there own lives revolving around how many times they’ve got laid and how much they have in their accounts.

if only these vagrants can read these notes. i bet, their immediate reactions will also be, who cares?!

Mangyari Lamang

2010-07-13T00:25:00.001+10:00

ni Rico Abelardo

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
Sa mga malabo ang paningin.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
Habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad
Na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli
Ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto't diwata.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo ang nagmahal, minahal at iniwan
Ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
Nang maging makahulugan ang paghagulgol sa dilim.

At sa mga nananatiling nakaupo
Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis
Palabas sa nakangangang pinto
Umuwi na kayo!
At sumbatan ang mga magulang
Na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw.

At sa lahat ng mga naiwang nakatayo
Mangyari lamang na hagkan ang isa’t isa
At yakapin ang mga sugatan
Mabuhay tayong lahat
Na nagsisikap makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
Manatiling masaya at higit sa lahat
Magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.

*:) salamat kay pads dahil napangiti ako dito