the condition

finally, i opened my eyes and saw myself catching my breathe and just staring at Js face in that distance for the first time.

in my head, i could taste those rotund sweat running across that warm face as if its steaming the sweetest melon drops. hoping, i could also savor them as it reached Js inviting lips. but i realized, it was already too much if i am going to do that. besides, we could no longer deny to ourselves that we were both selfishly satiated that night.

J was one of my early seatmates, whom i had a great crush before. but never had the courage to tell it. although, we were just sitting beside each other, we rarely talk. we found it very hard to strike a conversation, that probably made everything more interesting for me. never thought that silence could be that very sexy.

until one boring afternoon, J finally broke our distance. J came from nowhere, held my hand and placed it on the middle of those firm thighs as i gently gasped for my breathe. i looked at J, asking for reasons. thinking this could be just a dream, an unconscious impulse drawn out from my own desire. but J didn't look back, instead a soft smile was drawn from the side of Js lips, that confirmed that it was really happening.

eventually we found ourselves inside a narrow room, that was filled with this undescribable scent. close to a concoction of dry sweat and perishing desires of previous tenants who shared the same space. if only i could only read their stories behind these walls. and how the room is writing ours.

source

J stood infront of me and held my head close. i could feel both of our bodies flaring with intolerable warmth until the moon decided to hide behind the passing clouds. while the stars briefly shut their eyes. innocence and realization clashed.

after everything returned. J stood from the bed, went to the corner and gathered the past on the floor. while i stood up from my back and asked the night, if this will happen again?

then J looked back at me and smiled while closing the first buttons of Js already dulled uniform. this sealed our sole silent agreement.

days and nights passed, and life went through as if nothing really happened. we were still seatmates and hosts to each other, whenever the urge came knocking inside our crotches. we did it almost everywhere. most of the time, in the most unconventional places or wherever our drives would kick in.

until finally, i found myself slowly falling for J. i sent J messages almost every nights, thinking that probably will be atleast friends or hopefully even more. but J never really replied back. J changed numbers through numbers but would text me eventually to inform me about the new one. and this would read to me as let's meet, i am horny.

as if we made a great leap from being regular seatmates to just fubus, that we have already surrendered our only ticket in becoming friends or lovers for that matter.

at the time when our silence was already driving me nuts, i decided to confront J after painting our own night again. i finally confessed what i really felt. how i wanted to start from scratch again and take the path we never took. hoping that we might be heading to a better journey. but i guess it was already too late.

we never saw each other again.

J was my first. and evertime i recall what J was to me, it reminds me of how life is indeed full of conditions. and sometimes the hardest conditions are those that are unexpected and unsaid.

in our case, i could have sex with J until my desires bloat. but i lost the word fantasy along the way. i can love J everytime we do it. but J can never feel the same way as i do. and these were the conditions i actually missed out.

what makes conditions hard is proportional to what you have to sacrifice. but how come when you love, these conditions don't necessarily apply to both parties? how its easier for one and difficult for another? and how come the sacrifices actually differ.

then i have realized, perhaps we can never really have everything that we want. thus, we are expected to do the best decision among all the options we have.

a tribute to friendship: one of the reasons why i love my college days part 2

"o bangon na, magnenevada daw tayo. pahiram ulit ng tshirt mo. hindi ako nakapagdala ng damit eh."

"puta ka! hindi mo pa nga nababalik yung mga pants ko."

she had this beautiful sets of long, colorful and wavy pants, about a three inches below the knees, that i love to wear to school. i never returned a single pair back. but i still keep all of them with me until now.

as cheesy as it may sound, we found another family in our friendship, that made our college days and nights more fruitful and worth recalling. i believe that its something not every college graduate is blessed.

even after we graduated, we have constant communication with each other. we would surprised each other with unexpected visits, eventhough some of us are back in our own provinces. catching what happened to our careers, lovelives and yes, even our sexlives.

until one day, she called for a meet up.

"talaga?! congrats!" S shouted with full astonishment.

"where?" i excitedly asked.

"in london. i just received the letter yesterday. the scholarship will cover everything for my masterals, except for the lodging, ofcourse. if i'll be able to finish all the requirements before the month ends. then perhaps i'll be leaving next month na."

then the realization dropped on us like heavy chunks of ice. we were happy that she had such opportunity abroad, but sad because someone has to leave again. its just hard to live in a country where citizens are their major exports, as if the state thinks that their people don't have friends, families or just simply apathetic.

a year swiftly passed by, but we heard nothing from her. she didn't leave us her numbers, never replied to our messages nor contacted us through friendster or facebook. we missed her and at the same kinda woried. but we have high hopes that she'll be able to tumble down any obstacles she may encounter in london. until i received an contact invitation in my facebook yesterday. it was her.

i immediately accepted her invitation and went to her page. left a message there saying, HUY! PUTANGINA KA! MUSTA KA NA, HAYUP KA! MISS NA MISS NA KITA! I LOVE YOU!

our sociology professor once told us, you can only and truly curse the people you love, that is why we learn to address each other with profanity.

it didn't take long when she replied back. we shifted in using IM. i could feel that there was something different based from the tone of her messages. she was not as perky as she used to, as if she was not that excited as i was. and most of all, she didn't curse back. until she finally admitted she is already in the country since last december, that she is now renting a condominium in qc, with her family. but what surprised me the most was when she said, "magkaka-inanaanak ka na ulit next year."

"what?! are you pregnant?"

"ay hindi, sa kuya ko close kayo nun di ba?! malamang sa akin. 5 months na."

"sinong ama? oh no, don't me tell me taga-london yan."

"hindi, sira. tinatanong pa ba yan?"

"oh no, si M?!"

"andami mo namang oh no... OH YES, si M nga."

"che! hahaha! hah? e di ba may nabuntis din siya dati?"

"oo. pero hindi sila magkasama. and he doesn't know."

"wait lang ha. medyo sumakit ang gspot ko sa iyo. bakit?"

"saka na. i've decided to tell him kapag nalabas ko na para isang paliwanagan na lang."

i was speechless after reading that line. i knew that shes strong, like she has always been. but in a strange way, she made me feel that she needs me, she needs us.

"whatever happens, or if you need anything, never hesitate to contact me ha. kahit ama para sa magiging anak mo, pwede ako."

she laughed.

"hey. seryoso ako," a long pause.

"salamat."

i could picture her crying.

we're both crying.

a tribute to friendship: one of the reasons why i love my college days

it was hard not to notice her for she towered most of the girls in the assembly ground that day. though she was silent, there was something in her that makes her mysterious and very appealing. she was definitely the safest choice, if people decided to ask that stupid question, "who is your crush in the block," which i think is every acquitance bonding's favorite.

as expected, the question was then raised during our first block inuman. but in my surprise, among all the boys in the block, she actually chose me. but took the shot straight when she was asked why. perhaps thats where all the ackwardness between us began.

for more than a semester, she was nothing to me but a blockmate. a classmate who i always saw in all of my classes. a fellow student who i nodded whenever we passed each other in the lobby. nothing more, nothing less.

but when we reached our sophomore years, where we were asked to choose what major we are pursuing, i was actually surprised to see her in my first social anthropology class. for i really thought she would take economics since she was one of those who excelled in math.

we were only 7 students in our block, in that program. probably because those who took economics had better foresights of whats ahead of them compare to ours. nonetheless, this gave us opportunities to know each other more. we decided to take the same subjects for each semesters, exchanged notes, held weekly inumans and even do each others' projects and papers. until we just realized were already living under the same house, her house.

eventually, i learned that she was actually not that silent at all. that she is an open book for those who are brave enough to ask her but ofcourse, worthy of it. that despite her intimidating beauty, built and personality, she was just a simple girl but with a very welcoming heart. thus, we instantly become good or better yet, the best of friends.

"isn't that, you had a crush on me when we were in first year." i asked her one chilly night while we were under the same blanket, sharing a single sized bed together with a couple of our close friends (which we seldom did before and i miss a lot).

she laughed and said, "yes, i did. and i repeat, i did."

"bakit hindi na?"

"because i realized you are that kind of friend, that is too precious to be risked and lost."

i was speechless. it was one of the sweetest thing i've heard from someone up to the present. i never felt so much appreciated.

whenever allowance were delayed and we have nothing, not even a faded cent, she was always there to help, eventhough she too was just depending with her groceries.

for days, we will stay in her place, collect what was left from us, if any. then buy and allocate food. we would feast with pancit canton (the official college student stable food), eggs (which we experted all the ways of cooking it), cold rice poured with toyo and oil everyday, until all of us were financially stable. there were even times when we would finish each meals without drinking.

but the memories worth really remembering were the times whenever one of us needed someone to lean on and talk to, we would meet in her place and drew good things out from it. i believe that i would never be the same person if not of those talks.

you see, studying in a place, where you are hundreds of miles away from your family, is not as easy as it may seems, especially in your first years. yes, its great because of independence. you can do whatever you want with limited PARENTAL supervision. but there were times, most of the time, when we would just catch ourselves crippling because of homesickness and depression without anyone beside us. and the chilly and gloomy weather of the city worsen it all.

"hey whats the matter?"

"nothing," then she immediately hid something under her pillow and wiped her eyes dry.

"cmon, spill."

"nothing."

then i would grab her neck until she confess. you see she has a large funny bone in that area, that i could easily bring her down to the floor, helplessly, by just placing my hands between her neck and shoulder.

"oooo-kkk-a-yyy, ee-rriikk! i give up."

"alright, i am listening."

"its M (her jawy boyfriend), i think he is seeing someone else in manila."

"din't we just talk about it the last time? are we suppose to remind you of what we told you?"

"thats why i don't want to bring it up."

"can you blame me (us), if we always see you that way?"

"just let me be."

"and what? to see you just like her?" i pointed the tv, which had kris aquino in the national news crying.

"you're a million times of what he has you in him and you know this for a fact. and if all hopes, including boys failed you, always remember that i'll always be here for you."

then she smiled. we both smiled.

to be continued...

bitchesa experiment vol. 2: farmville, sino ka sa tatlo?

minsan ko lang tong gagawin kaya makinig kang mabuti at sana mabasa mo ito, balang-araw.

*pasintabi sa mga maaring tamaan. ang susunod na entry ay naglalaman ng mga maseselan bagay na maaring ikamatay.

sabi nga sa isang pelikula, "walang mukha (o katawan) ang libog." so huwag kang mag-aassume na hot ka at sa iyo na umiikot ang mundo dahil lang madami ka'ng booking.

"kahit kailan ay hindi ako nagandahan sa mga hayup na tinotnak ko sa bukid," yan ang di ko malimutang sabi ni mang laryo ng mahuli namin siya sa aktong nakikipag seks sa kalabaw.

para daw sa kanya basta may butas na papasakan at may init na mararamdaman, solb na ang malibog at lonely na matanda. at marahil yan din ang sinasabi ng lahat ng booking mo. marahil isa ka lang mainit na butas para sa kanila. isang tasang tagasalo ng walang paglagyan init. yun lang.

hindi din dahil sa malibog ka pa sa baboy na bulugan, ay may karapatan ka ng bombahan ang buong mundo ng iyong lutong gawgaw at paglaruan ang kanilang nararamdaman. hindi lahat ng tao, tulad mo. partida, clinasify pa kita bilang tao. pasalamat ka.

naawa ako sa iyo. daig mo pa ang galising aso, na nagpapakamot kung kani-kanino. nagkataon lang ng beneath the skin ang mga lungib at naknak mo, kaya may kumamot. hay, kung alam lang nila.

actually, mahihiya pa nga sa iyo ang aso kapag tatabihan mo. ganito, payo ko, iligo mo yan. siguro kulang ka lang sa hugas. matinding hugas. o di kaya naman ay lumaklak ka ng isang galong caladryl tapos kayurin mo ng steel brush. ayyy, bigla akong nanghinayang sa steel brush.

malaking ang kinaibahan ng pagiging optimitistic sa pagiging delusional. malaking-MALAKI. di kaya umakyat na semen mo sa utak mo? o kaya ganyan na amoy mo dahil nag papawis ka na ng precum? well, kung anuman man, AGAIN, iligo mo yan! walang lagkit ang hindi nawawala sa malamig na tubig.

tol, hindi kasalanan ng mga tao kung naghahanap sila ng mga taong magmamahal sa kanila. natural yun. kaya may nagtitiwala, may nagmamahal at mayroon ding nasasaktan. pero kung ang dahilan kung bakit sila nasasaktan ay dahil sa panloloko ng tulad mo ibang kaso na yun.

kahit sabihin nating may consent sila, kahit hindi sila naging maingat o hindi nila nagawang mag-isip bago naniwala sa iyo, hindi pa din yun sapat na katwiran para sabihing wala kang kasalanan.

hindi, wala.

wala kang atraso sa akin. dahil hindi din naman kita papatulan pagnagkataon. malas mo lang dahil kinanti mo ang mga kaibigan ko. pero wag ka mag-alala hindi ako baba sa lebel mo, kaya pasalamat ka dahil hindi na kita papangalanan pa. basta alam mo naman kung sino ka. pero kung talagang makapal na ang kalyo ng pagmumukha mo, hayaan mo na lang na ang karma ang magpaalala sa iyo.

the night the table speaks

No started the night by asking Yes: "given a chance, would you still choose in being gay or would you opt in being straight?"

everyone in our table became quiet. the sudden silence signalled the night, that they actually made a deep thought about it.

Yes answered, "i am sticking with my decision. I would still choose in being gay."

"but hey, is being gay even a decision?" No exclaimed.

"i don't think so," veto immediately replied back.

"but i believe it is," confirm rebutted.

then the table was divided into two and a fruitful conversation started. some argued, including myself ofcourse. while some chose to be silent and just listened what they have to say.

No said, "i would rather choose to be straight because its easier. living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha." i already saw people aghasting but No continued. " i just think its easier. you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight. plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

source

and the discussion went on until the wee hours of dusk.

personally, i believe that being gay is a choice rather than a fate.

but i know that by saying this, many will argue. some will say that if we opt in recognizing it as a decision, it gives an impression that it can also be wrong; that it can be revoked or can even be cured.

but deciding in being gay is not always an instant decision. it doesn't come out from kissing, having sex (and actually enjoyed it) nor admiring someone of the same sex. its a product of vast array of relevant experiences.

you see, all of us are born heterosexual by default. as we grow old, we acquire certain traits and behaviors from the experiences we meet along the way. and by the time we reach our maturity, we are then expected to conform to what our society dictates, or for most, expects: boys are to girls and girls are to boys.

but if an individual feels hesitant about entertaining the norm, then another perspective comes in: another option arises;homosexuality. this is where it becomes a decision. but then again its not an easy jump off.

just like any life decisions, it requires a lot of thinking: to either take the accepted option or opt in taking the route of what an individual believes he belongs.

in a way, i understand where No was coming from and basically i think that there are a million reasons why living a homosexual life is always difficult.

"...living a gay life is hard because we don't have milestones to keep us together. we can't have kids or a sheet of paper that says fuck: you, you can't leave. hahaha."

practically, a family is believed to be vital in promoting social and personal security, especially at times when one reaches the later part of his/her life. but for an individual whose such right is either prohibited or unexpected, a homosexual is left with no other choice but to doubt what is ahead of him/her.

i think, in a personal level, the notion of a family is still chained against the conventional picture of what a heterosexual family is; that it should always have a father, a mother and child/ren. that is why, for most (aside from having offspring/s of their own), homosexual partners trying to build a family also problematize and struggle who will play the assigned familial roles. eventhough, (both) partners are not comfortable with it.

i never believe that an individual needs a family to secure himself of his future. for me, its basically how you live your life. how many friends you've gained and kept? how many goals you have acomplished? how many people you've made a difference and who will be with you at the end?

"you won't break your parents' hearts by saying; ma, pa i'm straight."

ofcourse, everything changes when your family is put in the picture. it might not be as easy as reading this entry, but i think it should not hinder one from being who they really are and in saying so, being who they really are makes them a better person.

i think its about time for parents to realize that being gay nowadays, is different from the image of the gay they grew up with. that the diversity of being a homosexual is just like being any heterosexual, that they are not boxed in a single stereotype. that they can also live and suceed with life, for there being gay maybe different from what we were used to but it should not be considered as a life impairment nor a disability.

"plus the gay life is often sad. its very very very rare to hear about gay couples who have stayed together for decades."

honestly, among all the arguements No raised, it was on this line i was moved the most.

when i got the chance to know the first gay couple who got married in baguio city through the blessing of the sacred union, it gave me hope that gay marriage could actually work in the country. but when i recently heard that they just broke up, i admit it broke my heart too. but not my hope. call me idealistic, but for me, as long as i can see gay and lesbian couples who are struggling to keep their relationships going despite the prejudices and doubts people are throwing against them, i will never stop believing.

source

living a gay life is indeed difficult. but who said life is easy? regardless, if you are gay or not, life is always harsh. but these difficulties are inevitable and at the same time important for us to realize and appreciate the lifetime we had by the time we reach the ends of our own separate roads.

pangamba ng pag-iisa

ni nestor de guzman

paano sasagutin
ang pangamba ng iba
sa aking pag-iisa?
kung malalaman lang
ang di-lantad kong buhay.
nakalima nang asawa;
ngayo'y limang ulit nang separada.
di kabilang ang nakasintahan
nang kung ilang oras, araw, linggo.
sinamba na't kinahumalingan;
itinuring na ring basahan,
laruan, kasangkapan.
Naging maybahay, kalaguyo't puta.
Ilan nang giliw at muhi,
luwalhati't lumbay
ang isinilang at inaruga.
Kung nag-iisa man ngayon
ay dahil alam na,
at tanggap,
ang uubra't di uubra.
At di na kailangan ng isa
para maramdaman
ang kagandahan ng sarili,
ang kabuuan ng pagkatao,
ang kabuluhan ng buhay.
Kung malalaman lang
kung gaano kakulay
sa dilim at kasukalang nilandas
sa pag-unawa ng pag-iisa.
Ang mahalaga,
natutong magmahal,
nagmamahal ako
at magmamahal.
Ito ang katuturan,
kahit nag-iisa.


note:

that day, after finishing this book, i said loneliness goodbye.

Galing Cine Cafe
Nestor De Guzman
Lambana Press, Quezon City

and i am not even 25

when i decided to take social sciences, i never really considered what will i become after graduating. it didn't occur to me if i wanted to be a lawyer, an artist, a teacher, an ambassador or a corporate person. i never thought if this degree will promise me a house, a car or a business of my own. basically, what mattered that day was just to follow what other people and i say, to pursue what i love. and so i did.

while i was in college, i was able to nourish my talents and acquired some other skills that i didn't even know i have. i was able to develop my passion in visual arts and also discovered my caliber both in writing and theater works.

despite the academic loads and extra curricular responsibilities, i can actually say that i really had the time of my life, for each day gave me a sense of fulfillment before i went to sleep. i even remember telling myself that i couldn't wait to continue this in a larger picture, outside college.

so after four years of cultivating the soil of my interests, packed with confidence knowing i have all that it takes (or i thought i was), not to mention that i came from one of the prestigous universities in the country, i decided to go back to the lowlands to practice what i finished.

source

here, i saw myself holding a copy of my three page resume stating all my accomplishments while standing along the busy side walk of ayala avenue. but unlike some fellow graduates that day, i was pretty much confused of where to go: first, for i am not familiar with manila and second, because i just don't know where to try my luck.

so i decided to go online to check for any job openings. i signed up and filled all the necessary information required. by the time i hit submit, the website gave me a list of job openings associated with my references. there were in the fields of education, human resources and call centers. yes, call centers. at first, i never really understood how my degree is associated with the BPO industry. so i crossed it out from my options and went ahead with the first two fields. i even tried advertising and marketing just to have more chances of getting hired; that basically means, more options of which job contract to sign. see, i was really that optimistic before.

one by one, i patiently click every job positions in the list. i thoroughly read the company information, nature of the position and most importantly, the requirements. but as i move from one page to another, i realized that after opening probably a hundred job positions, only a good quarter of it, was i able to send my application. and out of those, only one or two replied back. now, i consider myself lucky if i get three.

afterwards, you'll undergo mindwrecking screening processes, endless interviews, and exhausting long waits, just to know, that you weren't able to make it. tattered and frustrated, you finally realized that you just ended up on the same option that you've actually crossed out--- being a call center agent.

i've worked as a technical support agent for almost three years. ofcourse, the pay and benefits were good. incentives were simply exceptional and i can say that i've learned so much about the corporate operations because of it. aside from these, i was able to send myself in pursuing another degree, buy things i always wanted, go to places i've never been and ofcourse, pay my rent and other dues. basically, i was terrifically starting a life of my own.and eventhough my degree is no way related to my profession, suprisingly, i was considered among one of the outstanding agents of our account.

but despite all of these, i was always the quiet one at work, contrary to who i really am outside. sitting away from other agents, never befriended any coworkers and turned down a number of promotions. for the simple reason, i just don't see myself here, not because i have something against it, but because it was different from what i picture my life will be after college; dynamic, free spirited and fulfilling.

well, i guess life doesn't really give what you want. but still, i chose to pursue it.

i thought, it would be easier for me to move out if i don't have any friends from work. however, it didn't occur to me, that this was not the only reason that would stop me from resigning. it also included giving up the lifestyle i have already adjusted myself into. that is why it actually took me almost three years before i could actually file my resignation. i call it, my complete detachment from taking calls and graveyard shifts.

now, i am free. six months and counting. financially broke, stuck at my room, eternally waiting for my pending applications, but humanistically happy.

but sometimes, especially during my lows, i can't help to catch myself, still wondering and asking: did i actually make a wrong decision of following what i want? if i aspired to much than i should have been? or if i should need to drop everything i was before and face the harsh reality ahead of me, for this is no longer college, that this is actually what life really is?

nevertheless, whatever the answers maybe, i chose to believe that i'll have my own share of life someday and that what really matters is that i took the risk of opting to be happy.