tulad niya

tulad niya,

minsan dahil sa sobrang tagal makakatulog ka na lang sa paghihintay. pero kapag dumating na ang hinihintay mo at tulog ka pa, wag mong aasahang may tatapik o gigising sa iyo dahil tiyak maiiwanan ka,

tulad niya.

we must attempt to be captains of our own ships, if not masters of our destiny.

-anon

gets mo yun?

so, anong next step mo?

-tanong ko sa sarili ko.

its all part of the game

i admit, i too, still have a textmate.
its almost three years now since i have first met U from an online network. we were introduced because U happens to be one of my contact's friends. after exchanging a good number of messages, we just found ourselves exchanging our numbers too. surprisingly, up until now, i haven't met U.
at first, i thought, U will just be the same textmate that i had before, with the purpose of keeping me busy and gives me ample reason to keep on registering to those unlimited text promos. but later on, i realized that U was different.
in a way, the differences of our experiences binded us intact. no day has passed without us greeting and checking each other. yes, it was inevitable at first, that such bind could be interpreted as something romantic. but later on, we have realized that we were far better being friends and what we have now become the proof that we were indeed correct.
U narrated me the world that i have chosen not to venture. while i shared to him my thoughts and views about both worlds. we were like a tagteam lost in a dark and vicious forest, struggling to find our path together but separately.
the other day, i received a message from him telling me about another adventure that he was up to. he met a guy from an online chatroom and they have decided to meet up. in his surprise, what he thought to be a simple meet up ended up in a drinking session with some of the the guy's friends and inside the guy's place--- a very ackward situation considering it was their first meeting.
after reading this, the first thing i thought was baron geisler's character from the movie jologs, where he portrayed a gay prostitute and was picked up by a handome lad played by onemig bondoc. later, he found out that the lad happens to have a dirty and violent trick underneath his sleeves together with the rest of his pals.
i frankly told U about that movie and asked him to be extra careful. although i know this was not the first time he did it, i still believe that we couldn't really tell what will happen.
eventually, U started bombarding me with a series of text messages on what was going on on that session: on how the guy he met blatantly offended him infront of his friends and he couldn't do and say anything to fire back.
although no physical actions occured, the guy directly showed him how uninterested he was to him. he called a couple of his friends over the phone asking them to find him a date, spilling out most of the sensitive conversations they had among his peers and the worst thing of all, they were drinking, talking and laughing about U, as if he was not there.
i firmly ordered him to leave after reading his messages. but U told me that he was put on a very difficult position that leaving at that very moment would mean he was weak to the people he was with. knowing U, i understood what he meant.
luckily, it didn't take him that long to strike a good opportunity to leave. but he told me that the moment he stepped off the door, he was on the verge of crying. he never felt extremely offended before and the thing that worsten it all, was the fact that he haven't had the opportunity to defend himself because of the fear that he was surrounded by people he didn't really know.
i could feel from the tone of his messages that he was on the tip of breaking down. suddenly, he bursted all his angst and kept on ranting at me, why he keep on ending up with the wrong person? that no matter how he try to work things out or atleast make it work, he fails. why people can be so judgemental, superficial and immature? and he ended it by asking me, how am i able manage my own personal life?
there was a sudden pause. then, i answered, its a matter of looking in the right place, U.
there was actually no response from that message and it was already the next day when i received another message from U.
from the looks of it, it seemed like the messages were just like the usual. but then, i realized that his intentions were to look as if nothing really happened, but for me, it seemed like something defintely changed. hoepfully, for the good.

Kabahay

*the following may bore you.

**a part of the introduction for a romance novel that i am writing for one of my classes entitled kabahay.

*** out of nothing to write, ive decided to post it. soweee. hehehe!

Tulad mo, isa din sila Alex at Charles sa mga mangingibig na pinupuyat ang mga sarili gabi-gabi kakaisip kung ano nga ba ang pag-ibig? Saan at kelan matatagpuan ito? Papaaano malalaman kung ito na nga ba iyon? At kung hanggang saan ang kailangang ibigay para dito?

Hindi din naiiba ang istorya nila sa milyon-milyong Pilipino na nangingibang bansa, hindi lamang upang maghanap ng magandang buhay para sa kanilang pamilya kundi para din hanapin ang kanilang mga sarili at sariling kaligayahan.

Kung tutuusin ang kwento nila ay hindi na bago, lalo na sa kapwa nila mga nangibang-bansa na kinailangang mahiwalay sa kanilang mga mahal sa buhay at magsimula ng panibagong kwento kasama ang kapwa nila OFW sa malayong lugar.

sources

Pero ang kwento nila Alex at Charles ay hindi gaya ng mga kwentong OFW na pinagpipiyestahan at pinagkakakitaan sa mga noontime show sa telebisyon.

Ang sa kanila ay yaong tipo ng kwentong pag-ibig na pinipiling hindi pag-usapan dahil hindi naman ito ganoon kinikiligan o hindi nakakarelate ang nakararami. Bagkus ay pinandidirian o pinagtatawanan pa nga ang mga gaya nito. Samakatuwid, ang kwento nila ay hindi maaring pumatok sa nakararaming mambabasa o manunuod. Sa kabila ng pagiging totoo nito.

Subalit tulad ng ibang mga pangyayari sa ating buhay, naniniwala akong ang isang kaganapang hindi kwinikwento ay isang bagong kwento at kadalasan, ang isang katotohanang hindi pinag-uusapan ay tinuturing na magandang istorya.

Hindi simpleng bagay ang malayo sa mahal sa buhay. Marami sa ating mga kababayan na nag-iibang bansa ang hindi lamang naghahanap ng paraan upang may maipadala sa mga pamilyang naiwan kundi maging mga paraan upang maisalba ang sarili mula sa pangungulila at kalungkutan. Kungkaya naman hindi na bago sa atin ang sari-saring mga kwentong pag-ibig sa mga ito. Mayroon ang tipikal na kwentong nagkakilala at nagpakasal sa ibang bansa. Mayroon din naman mas komplikado tulad ng mga relasyon nabuo sa pagitan ng dalawang taong may kanya-kanya ng karelasyon at mga relasyong tinuturing na bawal tulad ng kwentong bumalot sa pagitan ni Alex at Charles.

Tulad ng milyon-milyong mga anak sa Pilipinas, naging OFW din ang tatay ko noong bata ako. Seaman siya bago naisipang manatili na lamang sa bansa at maging politiko. Naalala ko nang minsan umuwi ang tatay, narinig ko siyang naikwento sa kanyang mga kainuman ang tungkol sa dalawa niyang kasamahan na naging magkarelasyon habang nasa barko.

"Ano naman ang masama dun?" tanong ni Mang Loreto.

"Kapwa sila lalaki, pare. Inabutan ng kati sa dagat kaso walang babae sa barko, kaya ayun pinagtiisan ang isa't isa." ani ng tatay ko pagkatapos ay nagtawanan sila.

source

Naisip ko kung nangyayari na ito noong bata ako, hindi malayong matagal ng nangyayari ang mga ganitong relasyon. Marahil pa nga ay mas matagal pa. Subalit bakit wala pa akong nobelang nababasang patungkol dito? O marahil ay hindi lang ganoon kalawak ang mga babasahing binabasa ko. Kaya naman napili kong habiin ang kwento nila Alex at Charles, na nakita ang mga sarili sa isa't-isa sa kabila ng kani-kanilang kaibahan at pagkakatulad.

Sa librong Redefining Masculinity among Male OFW ni Filomeno Aguilar Jr., tinampok niya ang pagbabagong hubog patungkol sa sekswalidad ng mga lalaking Pilipino na nangingibang bansa upang magtrabaho. Kungsaan, pinakilala ng kanyang pananaliksik ang mga kaso ng mga OFW na lalaki na nakikipagrelasyon o nakikipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki. Bagamat naging kapaki-pakinabang ang kanyang pag-aaral hindi pa rin ako naniniwalang ang mga relasyong nabubuo sa mga ito ay bunsod lamang ng kawalan ng kababaihan o dala ng libog o pangungulila. Maaring ang pagbabagong aktwalisasyon ng kanilang sekswalidad ay isang pagdidiskubre sa posibilidad ng kanilang tunay na pagkatao bunsod ng kawalan ng mga iba pang salik tulad ng sosyal na kapaligiran, antas ng pagkamulat ng mga taong napapalibot sa kanila at iba pa.

Kaugnay nito, naging isang malaking impluwensiya din ang librong Sa Loob at Labas ng Parlor ni Honorio de Dios Bartolome, partikular ang kwentong Geyluv. Naalala ko noong una kong nabasa ang kwentong ito, manghang-mangha ako sa istilong ginamit, kungsaan binigyang buhay ng awtor ang kapwa boses ng dalawang pangunahing tauhan at hindi nagpakahon sa kumbensyunal at linear na paglalahad ng isang istorya. Naisip ko, mahalagang maipakita ng isang manunulat ang kapwa panig ng kanyang mga tauhan. Kung ano ang kanilang pagkatao, iniisip, idelohiya at nararamdaman upang lubos na maunawaan ang kanilang papel sa kwento at upang maging hinog ang istorya. Kungkaya minarapat kong bigyang tinig hindi lamang karakter ni Alex o ni Charles lamang. Linahad ng Kabahay ang nararamdaman, naiisip at maging pinaniniwalaan ng bawat karakter upang maunawaan mabuti ang relasyon nila sa bawat isa at maging sa kabuuang kwento.

Sa kabilang banda, tulad ng sinabi ni Michel Foucalt, space is power. May kapangyarihan ang espasyo upang bigyan ng kahulugan at buuin ang mga bagay sa loob nito. Sa kwento ng Kabahay, ginamit ang espasyo ng bahay upang itampok ang tensyong namumuo sa pagitan nila dalawang karakter bilang magkabahay. Ang tensyon dala ng takot ng pagkabunyag ng kanilang mga lihim, mga pagnanasa at maging ng kanilang mga nararamdaman. Tinampok din ito upang patingkarin ang katauhan ni Alex bilang ang kasero at Charles bilang ang nakikitira sa pamamagitan ng mga representasyong linakip sa mga kagamitang nasa loob ng bahay at maging ang relasyon ng kanilang mga gawi at pagkilos kaugnay sa mga ito at maging sa isa't isa.

At panghuli, minarapat kong ilapat ang mga diskurso ng lahi, etnisidad, uri, sekswalidad at kasarian ni Rolando Tolentino upang mainam na habiin ang kwentong pag-ibig ng nobelang Kabahay. Sa paniniwalang ang mga ito ay hindi lamang nakakahon sa ating mga subhektibong nararamdaman, pagkakilig at pagluha patungkol sa mga karakter na ating binabasa, kundi ito ay tulad din ng iba pang mga kwentong hindi nalalayo sa isyu ng diskriminasyong nararanasan ng mga Pilipinong sa ibang bansa, ang patuloy na pangingibang bansa ng ating mga kababayan dahil sa kahirapan, at ang namamayaning diskriminasyon patungkol sa mga homosekswal.

Ang kwento nila ay hindi isang ekstra-ordinaryo o maging isang simpleng kwento. Ito ay isang istorya ng pag-ibig na hindi nalalayo sa akin at maging sa kwentong pag-ibig mo. Kung papaano mo nakilala ang mahal o minahal mo. Kung papaano ka kinilig at umiyak dahil sa kanya. Kung papaano mo ito pinaglaban at kung papaano ka nila binago. Samakatuwid, komplikado.

the notebook

earlier today, i stumbled upon an old notebook while i was clearing some space in my cabinet. i immediately recognized it for this was where i used to write down random thoughts when i was in college. for a while, it made me think, why i don't have one anymore considering that my memory is far worst than before.

it was fun scanning it, pages after pages. probably because i have always been addicted to memories, to nostalgia. 

then suddenly, a particular page made me pause and think.

it reads, what if the only thing that makes you happy is wrong. Will you still fight for it? Or is it even worth fighting for?

i asked myself, was i already that emo before? darn! hahaha.

a dandelion's story

probably, sometimes this just what we need. something unexpected. something that would break the monotony of everything and cast you from the routine of everyday living.

yesterday, was the last meeting we had for my creative writing class. it actually feels good when one of the best filipino writers in the country appreciates and loves what you came up with for her class. but it seemed like if you find pure happiness in what you have achieved, it is also easier for frustration to succumb you and this was the feeling i was struggling to overcome as i made my work after that class.

early this morning, after my work shift was moved again for the nth time, my mom gave me a call. when i was about to tell her about my plans of resigning, she butted in and told me to go back to law school full time. it was mixed emotions that sprung from three thoughts: first, i was extremely excited for i could now easily quit work and find myself focusing in studying again. but i was also hesitant, knowing that i have to give up something that i am starting to like and go back to the life draining law school again. and lastly, it was just a pain in my ego.

now, this is what i am afraid of. it was just a post away when i said, i might regret things that i keep on asking and now its already here standing on the tip of my nose and yet, all i could do is look at it and could not even come up with a decision. i told my mom, i am going to think about it.

and now, i am still thinking about it and probably it would take more time to come with a decision.

here, if there is something very personal i could share to you guys (since i tend to avoid writing too private things about me), that is i could probably be one of the most mature person you'll know in handling personal and relationships matters as well as giving aside, modesty aside. on the other hand, i am the wimpiest worm you'll ever meet in terms of career matters. up until now, i still find it difficult to come up with an answer, what do you want to do in life?

in otherwords, i am the complete opposite of kris aquino three years ago, for lack of better ways of expressing it. go figure na lang!

hahaha!

if only contentment can be bought in retail

three years ago, i was like any college graduate, full of enthusiasm and excitement finally leaving the four corners of the classroom and entering the sophisticated environment of the corporate world. i will be able to pay my own place, make my own decision, buy my own things and above all, no curfew to think of everytime i go out whereever and whenever i want to.
ever since i was a kid, i always dream of wearing a coat, slacks, leather shoes and a bow tie (take note, a BOW tie) whenever i go to work. i even created a quite complicated signature, which i still use at present, to avoid other people from forging it by the time i start signing up piles of documents. i can't even believe that the idea is still clear in me.
after my 23rd birthday, i found myself still wearing the same shirt and jeans i have worn since college. i have no pen nor any documents infront of me to sign with. and above all, i don't feel the same enthusiasm and excitement blazing inside in my current profession(?). i have thought of resigning countless times but it always fail whenever the thought of getting a new job in such time comes in: recession, graduating period, no experience, degree mismatch etc. etc. I am just so tired of it.
eventually, i was forced to drop law school (for the meantime), which was the only thing that holds my sanity intact. as much as i want to drop work, the word 'independence' burdens me that i don't even have the guts to ask help from my parents anymore. but work is starting to drain the remaining in me. so one day, i have decided to enroll for a masteral degree.
almost six months have passed, i am still wearing the same attire that i have worn since college. i may have a new pen now but i still don't have any documents to sign. the dream is still a dream, in short. and now, as i wrap up my final paper for the last class i will have tomorrow, i thought, if only i knew that the sophistication of the corporate world is far more complicated than i thought it was and the word independence is not that pleasing as i supposed it to be, i should have probably atleast prolonged my stay in college and gather all the necessary and possible experiences i can have.
indeed, be careful of what you wish for and i am even aware that probably three years from now, i might regret writing this as well.
if only i can buy contentment even in retail

the real road shits

today, I woke up 25 minutes before my shift. but on a usual day, i used to wake up atleast 2 hours before, in order for me to have ample time to commute from katipunan to makati. just imagine the panic that struck me when i saw my unreliable alarm clock. i immediately stood up from bed and prepared for work. it surprises me how my adrenalin cut my preparing time to 5minutes form the usual 30 minutes or more.

when i stepped off our gate i hailed a cab, believing that it would save me from getting scolded again by my supervisor, for it sometimes does the trick. taking the cab would just take me 15minutes to my office, if the driver senstive enough to realize that i am rushing, while 30 or more minutes if i got an lpg driven taxi and a very lousy driver.

fortunately, i was able to get a regular taxi with a very sensitive and friendly driver. but when i thought that i am about to make it, i saw a big traffic build up ahead, along c5 road. its such a big hassle, especially for commuters, whenever politicians start to build up their names foir the upcoming election. even the roads that doesn't really need some would be dig up and be reconstructed, behind the excuse of widening it for better roads, better lives, as they say it.

what is more annoying is the fact that the road they use to reconstruct are the busy ones, those that most people pass but don't really need to have major repaired: and to worsten it all, reconstructing a 300m road takes god-knows-how-long. take for example, the f*&#$^% C5 road! while those roads that are remote and really needs total reconstructions are being ignored and left out. they just have to show off their name to the people passing, still believing that name recalling is always a good thing.

i reached work almost an hour ahead of my supposed shift. still upset of the traffic that i struggled to pass through. i immediately headed to my station. hoping that my boss did not notice me. but when i felt his presence coming near me, i hurried setting up everything and pretended busying myself with work.

"after that one, go to my cube, okay?"

i just gave him a nod.

i know, its me to blame for being late. but if not for the road construction they keep on digging up, i could have catch it up.

oh well, its just me ranting. now, back to regular emo programming. hahaha!

confessions

you commit yourself in a relationship, you simply commit because you love the person for s/he is. nothing less, nothing more. when you find yourself holding his/her hand, you tend to let him/her know that you are willing to compromise your differences. and by the time you kiss each other lips, you are bound to do the best of what you can for the relationship to work.
but just like a friend, once told me, it is not as simple as that. committing is not always as easy as 1+1 nor as sweet as a jam in a jar. sometimes you encounter difficulties and problems to strengthen your ties between each other, for you to appreciate the value of what you have and in order for you to have the drive to fight for it.
but i think, having this in mind tends to make us complicate things a stitch further. for me, loving is already a complicated thing and complicating your relationship is a little bit too much already. the mere task of determining whether you love a person or not is already an act of finding a needle in a haystack and the risk involves in saying your committing, in holding someone's hand or kissing, is already an indication that you are opening yourself from either being happier or getting hurt.
i say, you just have to live loving someone by the moment. never look back from the past nor be scared of the future. you just have to feel every inch of it and make sure that you do not miss a minute detail. you can even take it the way you want, the way it would suit you. you could take it slowly or abruptly, your choice.
but before anything else, you need to look for him/her first.


*habang wala pang nag-eemo lately.

silence

there we were lying on the floor beside each others' body, catching our breath as we share the same stick. its been a while since i saw your face. i almost forgot the mole beneath your jaw line and the way your eyes just stare blankly on such occasion.
its been six years, J and here we were again, together. sharing the same thing that was up to now remained unknown but we never mind talking about. all we know was, we were doing it despite the absence of reason.

suddenly, words came out of those lips that i have longed to touch.

"have you ever thought of settling down?" that was probably the most emotional question you have asked from me.

"probably," i answered.

"if we already have our own, will we still do this?"

"i guess not for it is simply unfair."

"i guess so too."

then silence walked inside the room without our notice. the same silence that keep on reappearing whenever we are together, haunting us as to hold our tounges inside our chests.

"if ever, will you be my best man?" he asked again.

"spare me," i answered while struggling to hold my tears from dropping unto his arms.

then silence began craddling us to slumber. as the day broke, all i could do was to accompany him as we walked out of the gate. just like the usual, i never bothered asking when will we meet again and just let fate decide for it.

two years later, i found you again. but not through a message from my cellphone or any cross roads like before. i saw you from a social networking site. i eagerly checked your profile up, browse almost all of your pictures and finally, closed the entire window.

i shut my eyes infront of my screen recalling each of those photos that in a way told me how you were. but beyond that, your eyes were full of colors and your smile was something i have never seen before.

all i could do was to smile and catch my tears as it fall.

oh, i just miss that silence.

*i must admit there are still moments from which the silence i have created within myself for six years is still haunting me.

marie, marie, marie part 2

the issue of morality has been as old as the birth of religion. it is basically grounded on the definition of 'determining what is right from what is wrong?' generally, we are bounded by it and expected to think, act and live with it for it is believed to promise preservation of order. thus, we are defined by our own sets of moral values.

but as societies change, would moral values follow? or would the right still be right and the wrong would still be wrong? what if morality is even the one that is defeating its purpose, is it still morality?

last week, i met an old friend in a nearby cafeteria to make some catching ups. we haven't seen each other from the last time she left baguio almost five years ago. i've learned that she is already engaged to her boyfriend and thinking of tying the knot probably early next year.

honestly, it was a big surprise for me, knowing that she has been with a lesbian for the longest time before, even before we first knew each other. after her former partner died because of a road accident three years ago, i never heard from her again until now.

i first met her from a common friend in baguio, she happened to be inside the same circle of friends that i have. my first impression about her was, she was always silent, rarely smiles and very reserved. among gatherings, it was actually her partner that do most of the talking, while she would just silently sit beside her and patiently listen. honestly, i was quite hesistant to approach her at first. scared that she would just push me back. but it seemed like i hit the right spot when i was able to strike a subject of her interest and made a good conversation out of it. eventually we became good friends and despite the distance that we have, we constantly get in touch with each other once in a while.

it was just that day that i have also learned that she was actually a very religious person even before she entered college. she was an active member of their christian church up to the present and have a very strong groundings with her religious beliefs and moral rootings.

in the middle of our conversation, she opened herself back when we were in college. she confessed that despite loving her former lover, she still regrets it because no matter angle she looks at it, no matter how hard trying to justify it, she still end up tagging it as immoral.

she added that she was young then, naive, and just like any freshman college student who had been sent far away from their parents, she exaggerated her independence and tried almost everything including loving the same sex. she claimed that independence vagued her morals and if not for that accident that happened, she would have not realized it. honestly, at the back of my head, i couldn't stop myself from thinking, that she could have been blaming what they have to be reason of that accident, that it is a punishment. nonetheless, i didn't bother to open the idea up, instead i asked her if she did love her?

an ackward silence cut the distance between us. as if she was trying to dig the answer from the deepest recesses of her consciousness but something was pulling her back. until she finally struggled to spurt it out and said yes.

the answer was basically enough. i no longer hesitated to throw any follow up questions anymore. from that moment, as much as i wanted to, i could not claim that i completely understood where she was coming from. but the moment i saw her eyes trembling for the first time ever, i felt the struggles and the contradictions she was trying to win over.

probably from now, you should have known that i am a great believer of respect. respect begets respect, as i usually say it. nonetheless, respect is also not always something that requires two or more individuals. for most of us, although we are actually aware of it, we sometimes tend to take it for granted. respect begins from one's self. in order for one to give out his respect or even claim it, one should learn how to respect his/herself first, and that atleast for me, is the true meaning of morality.

one boring rest day

bored.

it was one of my typical rest day that i had nothing in mind to do.
i hate idle restdays. i hate lying down my bed, eyes fixed infront of the television the whole day and watching the same movies over and over again. i am at the edge of insanity.
when suddenly, my phone rang. i heard familiar voices on the other line, lawschool blockmates, asking me, where i am?
i forgot what i have answered. but i think they have figured, i am bored again.
so they invited me over for lunch, who am i to refused. but when i asked where. they said, they haven't had one yet in mind.
they picked me up in taft then the next thing i knew, we were already in tagaytay.

huh?!? TAGAYTAY? yes, we were in F-ing tagaytay.

i think i was only 7, the last time i have been there and already forgot where we went. i am not really a fan of the place and never got excited to go there probably because i find baguio more inviting. but when we arrived there and checked out some restaurants and coffee shops, in a way, it made me miss baguio, college days, my friends. then the things that i do and finally, i have realized i miss acting on the stage again.

we dined at josephine's, although we constantly see each other, i never thought that they were already graduating. one more year and they'll take the bar. then if they it, they'll head straight to firms, offices or what have you. though i don't have any regrets on the decision that i made, i just felt a pinch of envy at them thingking that they already have a definite goal in mind.

one of my closest blockmates had probably felt my sudden silence. so he called the day as my day and gave me the opportunity to decide where to go and what to do. my lips just arched a smile to them as a sign of gratitude. my eyes were already watering, i just can't thank them enough for their sweetness.

but what they didn't know was i hate people sweeter than me. having called it my day, i asked them to fulfill my frustrations. but since they don't know how to act, i just taught them how to do a tableaux. with proper lighting, levellings, blockings, internalizations, convictions, character sketches and a good director (ehem!), the country' uprising actor lawyers...

project runway style

make me a supermodel style

starla and the jewel riders style!

hahahaha... I just love my blockmates and i love myself for thinking such crazy ideas.

but seriously, thanks guys!!! i hope you're watching.

love you, lucky!

nang pina-uso ni dabo ang salitang emo

noong una, inaamin ko, maging ako ay nagduda sa bilis ng takbo ng aming relasyon. hindi ko na nga matandaan kung paano namin nakuha ang numero ng isa't isa. basta naramdaman ko na lang isang araw na hindi na mawala ang ngiti sa mukha ko sa tuwing tutunog ang aking telepono.

hanggang isang araw, nagpasya kaming magkita. halos maulol ang mga daga sa pagtakbo sa loob ng dibdib ko dahil sa kaba. hindi naman talaga kasi ako basta-basta nakikipagkita sa hindi ko naman kilala. subalit kakaiba ang araw na iyon, animoy may nag-uudyok sa aking upang maniwala.

halos walang salita ang namagitan sa aming dalawa nang kami'y magkita. madalas ay magtatawanan lang sa tuwing mararamdaman ang kakatwang katahimikan. nag-usap ang aming mga ngiti at kahit doon lang ay katakatakang nagkaunawaan kami.

sa isang iglap, nakita na lamang namin ang isa't isa na nakaupo sa ibabaw ng buong maynila, ang bukod tanging lugar na hindi kami mapapansin ng lahat. tahimik na pinagmatiyagan ang ingay ng lungsod at ang pangako ng mga ilaw na kailanman ay hindi mawawala.

nang mapagod ang gabi sa pagtatago sa amin, napagpasiyahan na namin umuwi. nilakad ang madilim at walang katiyakang kalsada. subalit nadaig ang takot ng aming pananabik na lalong makilala ang isa't isa. muli, niyakap kami ng katahimikan subalit hindi man lamang nagtama ang aming mga katawan. mula sa malayo, hindi ko tiyak kung bulalakaw ang nakita kong bumagsak pero humiling pa rin ako na sana ay makasama ko pa siya ng matagal. naisip ko pa ngang ihatid siya sa kanyang uuwian kahit na tatlong jeep ang layo nuon mula sa amin. subalit wala akong lakas ng loob upang sabihin yun. ang hindi ko alam, nakita din pala niya ang bulalakaw.

nalagpasan kami ng oras nang dumaan ito malapit sa bahay nila. hindi namin kapwa namalayang wala na ang estranghero sa kanya-kanya naming harapan. unti-unting napalitan ng mga salita ang mga ngiti at nagkaroon din ng hubog ang katahimikan. hindi ko na mabilang ang mga lihim na sinangla ko sa kanya at hindi ko na din matandaan kung tinubos ko man ang mga ito, ang alam ko lang ay tuluyang nagkaroon ng halaga ang tiwala at ang kaba ko.

nagpaalam kami sa isa't isa na tanging ngiti lang ang pabaon. gusto ko sana siyang yakapin ng mahigpit hanggang bumaon ako at maitago sa kanyang dibdib. subalit naunahan ako ng hiya ng may dumating na magkasintahang na magkayap sa aming likuran. alam ko nasabi ko sa kanya yun subalit nagkaroon na lang ako ng lakas ng loob nung pauwi na ako.

kinabukasan, pinatanggap na sa akin ng hindi ko naman matandaang panaginip ang katotohanang hanggang duon na lang ang lahat. subalit totoo nga atang hindi lahat ng panaginip ay nagkakatotoo at hindi lahat ng hindi nagkakatotoong panaginip ay masama. nagkita muli kami hanggang sa dumalas ito. nagkaroon muli ng tinta ang aking pangguhit. nagamit ko muli ang aking kaldero't pinggan. at unti-unting nawala ang bagot sa bawat lugar na aking pinupuntahan.

hindi nagtagal ay nagising na lang ako sa pagitan ng kanyang mga dibdib, na nagmistulang lumamon sa lahat ng takot at pangambang naipon ko mula ng huling nagsimatayan ang malaking bugso ng mga pulang paru-paro. subalit, bagamat masaya ako sa lahat ng pinakita at pinaramdam niya, hindi ko maiwasang mangamba dala na rin ng bilis ng mga pangyayari. hindi ko alam kung sapat na ba ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya o sapat na ba ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin upang magtagal kami. minsan, kapwa namin tinanong yun sa isa't isa hanggang sa pinili naming hindi na lang din hanapin ang (mga) kasagutan. naniwala kaming hindi naman lahat ng bagay ay kailangang ipaliwanag at hindi lahat ng nararamdaman ay dapat sukatin. kungkayat nagpatuloy kami sa pagkulay sa mga magagaspang na pader ng lungsod.

hanggang isang araw matapos magpakabusog sa sa pinaksiw na tawanan at prinitong mga lambing, humiga siya sa tabi ko. tahimik, ni hindi ko namalayan na wala na pala ang ngiti sa kanyang mga mukha paglapat ng kanyang buong katawan sa aking harapan. naramdaman ko na lang ang pagbaybay ng mainit na luha sa aking tagiliran at narinig ang alingawngaw ng mga hikbi ng taong humihingi ng tawad.

kailanman ay hindi ko inaasahan ang pagdating nuon, na parang isang matulis na punyal na hinagis mula kungsaan at bumaon sa kaliitan ng aking kalingkingan. kung kelan kaya ko ng sabihin na mahal ko nga siya, saka naman nabagot ang naghihintay. nagpaalam siya sa likod ng mga dambuhalang luha. samantalang nalunod naman ako sa mga alaalang kapwa namin linikha. nagkatsunami bigla sa katipunan kahit malayo ito sa manila bay.

bagamat gusto ko siyang igapos sa aking yakap, ikulong sa aking mga salita at ikandado sa aking mga halik, hindi ko ginawa. sa sandaling yun, una kong nasabi sa sariling naging matapang ako para sa nararamdaman naming dalawa. hindi ko nagawang pigilan siya dahil kung tutuusin naramdaman ko na kahit papaano ay minahal niya ako, kahit na salat ang mga salita ko upang mailarawan o maipaliwanag emosyong iyon at kahit na malabo at hindi maintindihan ng iba.

lumipas ang mga araw, linggo at buwan na mas mabagal pa sa naghihingalong uod sa daan. balik sa dating buhay, kumbaga. balik sa nakasanayan matapos iluwa ng pagbabago (?). pinilit ang sariling hindi magbago.

hindi nagtagal, nakausap ko siyang muli. subalit batid kong mas kailangang maging maingat ako sa paghabi ng aking mga salita. hindi man bumalik ang imahe ng estranghero sa aming dalawa, nangamba pa rin akong baka mag-iba muli ang anyo ng aming katahimikan.

di naglaon, hindi ko namamalayan, binuksan muli niya ang sarili sa akin. iba man ang lagusang pinasok ko noon, masaya pa rin ako dahil nasilip ko ang nilalaman ng kanyang pagkatao. hindi ko napigilan ang pagguhit ng ngiti sa aking mukha. subalit huli na ng nalaman kong hindi din pala ito magtatagal.

ibang tao na ang nakatayo sa dulo ng lagusang iyon bagamat pamilyar ang itsura, alam kong hindi na ako yun. linahad niya ang takbo ng kanilang hinabing tela sa pagitan ng mga pag-aalinlangan at pagdududa. sinabi niya, mababaw, walang trabaho, pala-asa, salawahan at tinatake for granted siya ng taong nakatayo sa dulo. subalit magkaganun man ay pinilit pa rin niyang ipagpatuloy at patuluyin ito bagamat taliwas sa sinasabi ng mga kaibigan, dahil sa simpleng kadahilanang, nagmamahal siya. ang totoo niyan hindi ko na alam kung papaano natapos ang usapan iyon. basta ang alam ko, kahit papaano ay maayos naming winakasan at pinagpatuloy ang lahat ng namagitan at mamagitan sa amin.

naisip ko tuloy, malaki ang kinaibahan ko sa taong nasa dulo ng lagusan ngayon. tawagin niyo man akong mayabang pero mapagmamalaki at kaya kong sabihin na lubos na kabaliktaran ko ng katauhan ang taong iyon, full cart wheel pa nga, kung tutuusin. pero sa huli naisip ko, sa kabila ng lahat ng aking paniniwala, ang tunay na pinagkaiba naming dalawa ay ang katotohanang mas minahal siya.

yun, ang araw na nalaman kong tunay ngang may kahulugan, paliwanag at sukatan ang sinumang nagmamahal.*ayan detachable po yan parang sticker, pwede niyong gamitin.

**feel free pong dito magcomment kung hindi makapagcomment sa post ni dabo. hahaha!

***paunawa: hindi din po si dabo ang karakter na tinutukoy ng kwento. magkaliwanagan lang.

*** "as much as gusto kong sabihin fiction ito," ang tunay na pamagat ng post na ito.

finding captain hook

yesterday, after work, i decided to go home immediately because of exhaustion. though the work load was relatively lighter from last week, i just find it tiring to work after rest days.

i hopped inside the train and found myself a spot, standing (ofcourse!) behind the steel pole. everyone was quiet and there was a good distribution of people inside. i was busy thinking of something to do by the time i reach home when suddenly i noticed these two guys exchanging glances. at first, i thought they know each other but when i realized that they haven't said a single word all throughout the ride, i figured that they were strangers.

i thought that hook ups might be different from how you read it from blogs to how they actually happen, so i have decided to observe them from where i was standing. luckily, the position that i am at was unnoticeable to them.

both of them were able to secure seats, almost facing each other. the first guy was wearing a sleeveless polo shirt and a pair of bleached jeans. he was typical looking, fair skinned, and slim. while the other one was wearing a body hugging shirt, a newspaperboy hat, jeans and flip flops that seemed to have came from one popular local clothing line, almost reminded me of someone i know, and i must say he was fairly attractive, if not only for his almost anorexic built.

from the looks of it, the latter was the more aggressive or rather obvious one. he kept on busying himself by checking his cellphone or fixing something inside his bag though his eyes would not drop away from the other guy for more than a minute. on the other hand, i could sense that the former was already uncomfortable from the latter's stare. most of the time, he would shy away his sight from the latter but would check him back once in a while.

suddenly, i noticed that the former brought out his phone from his pocket. he posed as if he was texting someone. then the latter immediately brought out his phone as well and also posed as if he was also checking something. in my surprise, the latter looked at the former and gave him a smile. the former just stared at him back and slowly moved his sight away from him.
from there, the answer just sank in, the two guys bluetoothed each other.

when the train stopped in shaw, the former stood up and dropped off the train. though there were a couple of men standing infront of the latter, they didn't stop him from checking the former as he walked his way to the stairs.

when the train began moving again, the latter took off his phone and texted someone. probably there were a couple of messages he received based from the times he brought off his phone out of his bag. when we reached our same stop in cubao, i let the latter passed infront of me so that i could still observe him from afar. when we were about to take the exit, i saw him turned the opposite flow and took the escalator going southbound. from there, i figured that it was definitely a hook up.

i realized that sometimes despite the absence of definite rules or processes, we humans are surprisingly capable in devicing ways and mechanisms in order to meet our needs even if it only requires non verbal communications. probably this event clearly confirms the saying, kung gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan.

dream interpretation 101

the crispy midnight breeze woke me up in the middle of my slumber. by the moment i felt my chest heavily pounding, i immediately knew that it was something different from the dreams i had before. although confused, i struggled to taste the sweaty chill as it lingers down my thoat, thinking that it might clear something within me. i never thought that i will feel this feeling again. all the while i made myself to believe that i am over this, that i am able to withstand the blows of those of the loneliest nights. but last night was something i didn't expect.

pictures began flashing in my thoughts. familiar pictures from which stolen emotions were captured. i saw myself standing alone infront of a beach under a gloomy and raining afternoon. my hair lying dead under the weight of a heavy rain pour. while my eyes were half shut but struggling to absorb what was left on the scenery. nothing special about it but i immediately knew that there was something different. its hard to tell if it was one of the beaches at home or one of those i have just recently visited. but i am convinced that i have been there.

despite the strong sea wind, the waves surprisingly remained calm as if it was patiently waiting for something or someone. i accompanied the sea in its anticipation but no image appeared on its horizon. instead, the rain poured harder and the wind blew more violently. i could also notice the sky starting to become darker. nonetheless, the sea remained calm more than ever. i could feel each of the small but heavy rain drops as it navigated my body, tickled it and eventually weaken my legs. so i decided to sat down, catching the burden that the heaven was dropping on me as i waited patiently.

the sea and i waited and waited for who knows how long. all i could remember was my eyes were fixed in the calm sea until i started feeling a heavy mass growing inside my chest in every second that i have waited. suddenly, i felt the heavy mass filled my chest and started climbing up to my head. i could clearly feel each of its feet as it slowly makes it way to my shoulders, my throat, my cheeks and nose. it was another familiar sensation, nonetheless, a very distinct one. it was as if violently caressing me, aggressively pulling off or loosening my nerves. despite it harshness, it was ironically pleasurable. but the mass continued to climb up until i just found myself weeping and felt a warm tear rushed down to my cheeks, among millions of cold heaven's tears numbing my face.

then i woke up still crying, still feeling the heavy pain in my chest and certainly confused of what have just happened. the warmth of the summer night just sank in when i have realized that i was soaked in sweat and just woke up from a bizaare dream.

for a while, i realized that i was scared of closing my eyes, thinking that i might have the same dream again and for the first time, i feared for something that i am not even sure why. it is just now that i have realized what it could possibly mean. just like anyone else, i am scared of running out of time before i can completely realize my life. i feared that i just might keep on waiting on the same spot, without actually achieving anything. this year i am turning 24 and six years from now, i will be 30. but so far, i am still not sure if i was able to live my life the way it should be or atleast i wanted it to be. ofcourse, it is relative. but i believe that in order for one to determine if s/he is able to live it, it is something s/he could only tell and something inside is telling me that i am not.

they say that your 20s is the peak of your life, where your youth enables you to build the foundations of what kind of life you'll have for tomorrow. this is also the bracket where you start enjoying what your life has to offer, you meet people, and enter a relationship. basically, this is the jumping point where you start building things for permenance. things that you'll be needing once you reach your prime years.now, i am doubtful if i am actually on the right track. probably because i am still not certain what destination to reach. until now, i don't know what i want to be. thus, i don't know where to start or what to do.while i was browsing some of the post i had before, i have learned that i have already wrote the same ideas of this post last year. then i realized that after this time, i just ended up where i actually started last year.

now, i am convinced. something really has to change and no more excuses.

maria during a boring rest day

everyone's complaining. they're complaining because they are jealous about maria.

wives, girlfriends, flings and even boyfriends, they are all against maria. poor maria.

"i am filing a divorce. this is so offensive on my part," the wife shouted.

"i think you need to seek professional help, pervert!" the girlfriend exclaimed as she walked out the door.

"am i not good enough?" the fling hysterically asked then slap him on the face.

"what's wrong with my maria?" the boyfriend asked as he bursted into tears.

the other day, yna invited me over for a cup of coffee. its been a while since we last met so i prepared myself for a good surprising talk again. she immediately confessed that she already had her first ever fight with her boyfriend during their 3 year relationship. thus, i immediately thought it was definitely something serious and grave.

i asked, "why?"

there was an ackward pause, as if she was trying to assemble all of her thoughts and words to come up with the best answer.

source

"i caught him jacking off."

laughter echoed inside my lips but i forced myself from not letting it go. yna admitted that she got offended, "who wouldn't?" she added. for her, it was an insult. she felt very humiliated and started questioning herself as a partner, both romantic and sexual.

i don't really know how to comfort her. but i assured her that the act would not define her or their relationship in any way. i think its more of a man thing. something that we really couldn't explain. probably same psyche as why most girls love to powder their face (i know, i am not really good in logic, sorry). its as natural as anything around us.

then, i thought of maria.

maria was our first.

maria carried us from childhood to manhood.

maria was 'always' there especially in our idle moments.

maria knew exactly how to please us, that even sometimes some find it more pleasurable than sex or make it as a must once in a while even with the presence of the latter.

maria is like your mom's adobo.

maria is perfect.

maria is our hands,

maria palad (now, i wonder why can't it be mario?)

we ended the night laughing. though i am still not sure if she got my point.

now, i can't believe i am writing nonsense again. oh, i hate boring rest days.

ikaw ano ba tawag mo sa iyo?

standed trip

it was hard to leave my blog which became my comfort zone and the only thing that kept me insane for more than 3 and half years. but I never thought that returning back was harder.

i believe that i am not ought to explain why i have decided to shut this blog since all of the reasons i had laid down before were real. i was basically ecstatic and suddenly felt the sense of fulfillment when i tried browsing this blog that day. i figured that probably its about to time for me to make a new step forward. thus, i thought closing was the right thing to do (that is basically what happens if you are too impulsive like me). nonetheless, its been a whole month of struggle, forcing myself not to post a single entry here. but as i walked along the streets, talked to people and unfold stories after stories everyday, i just couldn't bear writing it down.

i thought of creating another blog, which happens to be the most popular suggestion my friends were giving me. but just like what mugen said, which i really didn't understand at first, its a hard battle to trust a new blog, and believe me, it indeed was.

when a friend told me about his film and asked for help, as much as i want to divert myself away from the idea of using my blog, i fell unvictorious from its charm. thus, for the first time again after the last trip post, the wanderingcommuter emerged again.

now, i am determined to blog again, but i'll be a more frank, darer and bolder wandering commuter.

ano daw?! hahaha

(i would like to thank my sponsor corner)

sweet akong tao (bawal kumontra)

kaya hindi ko matanggap kapag may mas sweet pa kesa sa akin,
kaya para sa nagbigay ng librong ito. eto sa iyo!

di joke lang. salamat!

naks naman! unang magblush, feelingero!

dalawa ang personality ng taong ito: isang ewoks, yung isa naman si joem bascon. hahaha!

i BARE it all

basically, bare is your typical highschool musical, "gay"-er version. it is composed of more or less 11 songs and around 20 characters. the play was first shown in the us and was adapted by the ateneo blue repertoire.
for me, the play was not simply your typical coming-of-age story of two teenagers loving each other and how tragedy struck their illicit affair, nor how each of them were intertwined with each other's issues, it was the story of how dogmatic some of us are in interpreting our religion. how most people keep on putting themselves above the rest and most of all, how we keep on denying to ourselves the life and happiness we ought to live.

as one of the line goes, "each of us has a bender inside."
we bend upon to other people's wishes, restrictions, rules and beliefs, that we fail to recognize our own. indeed, no one can be deemed to know everything but atleast we are expected to live who we really are. we are encouraged to express the truth and ourselves and be the best person that we could be. but who said that life is easy, right?
sometimes we need to bend things as much as we don't want to, in order to conform to what other believe as right, good and best. we bend to the limit of ourselves to satisfy other people's expectations. we bend to the rules even if it cost us even our own happiness. but the saddest part of it all is that regardless how we keep on bending, we are still unaccepted and considered as deviant.

the play reminded me of a person i knew three years ago. I was spontaneous, passionate on what he is doing and have a good sense of fulfillment. but what we didn't know was he was actually hiding something behind his warm smile and frolic antics. he was struggling to forget something, something he regreted venturing into. he fell inlove to a wrong person. he believed that kisses were promises of affection, hugs as assurance that they have their backs and sex as a security that they are into this together-- as starcrossed lovers. thus, he waited for those promises to be fulfilled. he remained his eyes and ears shut whenever he see that person with someone. he bear all the blows in his chest and kept his dreams as colorful and vivid as they used to be.

but one night, after their limbs fell down on each others' body, his lover confessed that it will be their last. he hold his tears with all his might just to keep it from falling until the moment his lover would walked out of his room. he never figured out that it was plain lust and not love. but who can blame I since both words starts with L and 4-letter-words? if only someone has warned him. if only he was an expert with signs.

up to this moment, i haven't heard from that person since i went down to manila. i even thought, he will follow us here. but he never contacted us and have chosen to be just a memory for all of us.

remembering him gave me an easy grip to the play, which gave us two kinds of people inside a relationship: the coward and the fool. the coward who is scared of expressing what s/he really feels and decided to keep hidden behind the facade of what his/her audience want to see, denying himself of himself as well. while the fool, on the other hand, keeps on believing and hoping despite the obstacles and challenges that await them. optimistic that eventually they will achieve contentment and happiness. but both of them will just keep on moving on the same circle, chasing each other and if fortunate will meet in the middle. but most of the time, don't.

as the curtain closed, actors bowed to their audience, walked our way home and until this very moment i am writing this, the story continues inside my head as if the play never ended, as if it continues to search for a better ending as it relives a clearer picture of I in me again, wondering when will I meet him again.